How would you handle a partner who is always cancelling?

Let me clatify first...we have a designated day together which he never cancels. But, he will mention seeing me on another day which could be later that day or the following. The past two weeks he has cancelled on me. First time I understood, second time I felt it was lousy, but we made tentative plans where I told him if he wants to hang later, let me know. This isn’t his norm..ever since he started new job a month ago, his time has been limited so I’ve noticed he is more inclined to cancel if he wasn’t up to having company or going out. I get that, but if you make definite plans, keep them. Now, we have plans tomorrow and I’m trying not to be negative, but if he cancels again I need to really have a serious talk and let him know this behavior is not ok without over reacting. Right now, we only see eachother once a week because his new job is very demanding. His last job was more flexible, so sleeping over on a work night worked. We are planning on seeing eachother more often soon which he brought up..he’s just adjusting to his new lifestyle.

Maybe tell him to let you know that it's a "maybe" or "tentative" and not definite, so you don't get your hope set high. He seems like he wants to spend time with you despite having this new demanding job. But he needs to really make it clear which of his commitments are definite and which are maybe's/ tentative's.

I would say it’s tentative from our convo. Threw weeks ago, he made definite plans but then he wasn’t up to it. I spoke to him on the phone in detail, that when he makes definite plans and cancels last minute, it makes me feel like I can’t trust him. He understood. So, last week was a maybe..tomorrow is definite, so if he does cancel I have to handle it appropriately without over reacting..which might be me not committing to an extra day with him for a while, until he keeps his word.

You could try something like: "I respect your time and boundaries. I know I need to adjust my expectations for our time spent together due to your change in schedule. It is easier for me to be understanding and supportive when you directly tell me up front that you are simply not free next time. That prevents me from planning and feeling disappointed later."

You may also want to reflect on why he says yes and later cancels rather than just saying "I can't" in advance. Perhaps you don't know why. Were you always okay with "I can't" previously in your relationship or did that sometimes lead to an argument? I'm just throwing out ideas. It's great that you are looking at both sides of your relationship. Very important. Well done!!!

When he says “I can’t” I would complain, whine and yes it would lead to an argument. He would start just saying “yes” to please me..so he has been creating boundaries this past month. I don’t even initiate it now, he does. So I don’t know if it’s because he feels obligated, or what the reason is. I wish I knew..he may just legitimately not be up to it by the time it rolls around but I’m making assumptions..last couple times I feel it could have been due to me hounding him my text and phone, and questioning him so he may have gotten turned off...

Unless I misunderstood you, I think you may have answered your own question Gymgirl71. When he previously set boundaries, he received a negative response from you so now he appears (I can't read his mind) to be trying to set boundaries indirectly possibly in order to avoid "complaints" from you. His approach isn't helping to clarify things but I think you may want to take ownership for what may have led him to his current trend. Does that make sense? Zero judgment here. Relationships are difficult. I'm just trying to understand both sides in order to help you move forward.

You could try reflecting on: why did I complain when he set boundaries? How was I feeling in that moment? What were my thoughts?

Totally understand. I will speak to him about it though. If I am contributing to it, I rather him be direct (he says he is) so I can stop the behavior, rather than me assuming

Previously when he was direct you didn't like it though, right? So it's somewhat understandable that now he's being indirect. If you see what I mean. Your focus seems to be on him and his actions...and endeavoring to change his actions. I suggest reversing that and focusing on yourself and your actions. I think that could serve you better and bring more peace to your life. We cannot change others; we change how we respond to them. I think you may be trying to change him. Though I am sorry in advance if I am misunderstanding.

Sending you a big, safe Gymgirl. You have my support.

It’s a bit confusing to me..what actions would I be taking? I guess my mistake is thinking that behaving a certain way when he cancels, is the appropriate actions. But clearly that is not true.

Sorry if my posts are confusing. I certainly am not trying to label you as making "mistakes" or suggesting that you are wrong. I think the written format can be tricky that way to get into details. It's also entirely possible that my brain is slow and tired today and not sending out much sense in my posts!!!

You must do what feels right to you. I wish you peace and a bright future Gymgirl. You deserve it!

I'm so sorry, Gymgirl71 I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. Just try to be honest to him about this. Just tell him that you prefer him to be honest with you when he can't go to an appointment with you. I agree that perhaps you getting angry previously may have affected his behavior. That's not your fault, we can't always control our reactions. But at least you know better now. Try to work on that. Tell him that you're aware of that and you'll try not to get angry when he can't make it. I believe that's the best thing you can do in this situation. I hope you'll be able to talk things through with him. You deserve to be happy with him! I hope he'll make an effort as well. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you and your boyfriend

From what I’m understanding, you say you had a standing weekly date, and for the past few weeks, he’s been too busy to see you.

How committed is this arrangement? Is this really a ‘partner’? I may not be understanding something here.

I might tell him something like I’m sad that he’s too busy to maintain a relationship with me. I’d get more busy myself, maybe seeing other guys. Are you supposed to be exclusive?

He doesn’t strike me as very commited to this relationship or being very interested. And maybe in addition to it there is some other issue at play. The only man I’ve ever been with who would cancel on occasion when we first started dating had a substance abuse problem. Let’s say if you plan a date at 7pm but he is already wasted by 6pm then he would inevitably cancel. Needless to say I didn’t stick around. So is it possible he drinks when he can’t meet you?

I’d say if he wants to see you, he would (unless he has drinking problem) . Otherwise it’s one sided. You want to see him but he avoids it

Overall I’d show more respect for myself and don’t commit to dates that are “tentative”. Two grown adults should have very concrete plans.

I’d not keep dating him under these circumstances or date more than one person. If he is not the one, then why limit yourself? I am not saying sleep around, but just date. I’d also not be intimate with this guy.

I hope you aren’t intimate. If he has no time for dating and shows lack of respect for you by cancelling, I’d not sleep with him. I’d feel like I am just a convenience for him.

You can do better than this guy

you misunderstood..he never cancels our weekly date. What he does, is make plans to see me an additional day and it has been falling through. We are exclusive.

What would you like the relationship to become? Has it been a long time with this weekly arrangement?

It sounds like you are at a place in the relationship where you want it to move forward with more time together, and so does he, but he really is too busy. Maybe in time, his demands will lesson, and you will be together more. Would that be what you both want?

I know there’s a stage in a relationship where is goes full speed ahead or it stalls out.

No, we were seeing eachother 2-3 times a week..it is really the last 3 weeks. Due to his new job, it became an issue. It’s temporary because we spoke recently about seeing eachother more once he’s adjusted.

Then I guess you have to bear with his schedule and give it some time. I hope it works where he can have enough time to give you a proper relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 you misunderstood..he never cancels our weekly date. What he does, is make plans to see me an additional day and it has been falling through. We are exclusive.

Its still cancelling his plans with you. Just because he keeps plans for a certain day doesnt make cancelling other plans ok.

I hope things end up working out for you. Keep us updated on how things go when you talk with him again. Can understand you being hurt how he keeps canceling plans. Just make sure to have a talk with him if he continues to do so. Hope things work out!

I would make your own plans...and squeeze him in when & if you can. Becoming overly available may put pressure on him, and can become tiring. Filling your time with your own interests will cause him to seek out time with you.

you've answered your questions in two parts: first off you know the reasons for his change in lifestyle and that this is likely the cause of the reasons he is more willing to cancel

second you've found something that is not meshing, value wise between your friend and you. He does not think it as critical to stick to "plans" made all the time and that's no more or less right or wrong than your strict thinking that if you make a plan you stick to it no matter what. For me, your way of thinking would be far too rigid, though I am not saying it's wrong it's just the way you are.

Instead of viewing things as if your friend is entirely in the wrong and in a way offending you, why not see the fact that you view plans for meetings differently. He's more casual and laid back about plans and you are rigid. From this perspective perhaps you can approach him in a way that lets him know that you are a strict person with such things, without making him feel like he's "letting you down" and you'll be able to come up with a compromise that benefits both.

Let him know NICELY that youre sick of it. Dont attack, just say calmly i want you to make me a priority. And spoil him daily to know hes one as well. Much luck to you.

I agree with divine1966. It appears he's just not that into you. He'd be going out of his way to call and see you if he were.