[Life dancer]

Hi ! I don't know if I am really having codependency issues or it is just normal. I am in a long distance relationship already for 10 months. My boyfriend is a really good person: he is loving, listener, taking care, loving without any conditions. He is very intelligent emotionally and super calm person. In this case I am lost, I find myself always questioning myself after we decided to be a couple if it is a right person, if he is attractive enough, maybe he should be more like this, more like this ...is he a loser or not? Is he my person or not? Especially, these questions become stronger when I see other couples where two of people are super attractive and looks super happy. Than I have this tension thinking that we aren't like them.

The things is that I don't know how to understand whether I am good with this boyfriend or not. I am feeling tensed most of the time when we are together and even when we are in a long distance because I am always having questions in my head. And that already grew up to anxiety. I feel stressed about thinking that we will meet in one month and maybe I should decline the meeting and finish all.

It is already a third day that I am waking up in the morning and thinking that maybe I should brake up because I can't stand this anymore. But at the same I scared about these minds. I am always thinking about it, always analysing. I feel tensed but basically this man is not doing anything bad. I am open with him, he knows that I have already anxiety for meeting but he says that we should keep trying, at least you will decide that we should finish all. I am sure that he loves me. But I am always thinking "Should I brake up or not?" If I will brake up, I will hurt him and he is a very good guy, maybe I will do a huge mistake but in the same I am always having these questions. We have already planned 10 days together in Spain and I am feeling tensed when I think that we will meet his friends, very nice family and I will have to act that everything is well. A number of times I had a big big tension about how I feel with this person with questions that I brought myself to wants to escape and cry but I couldn't because we were with his friends and family on these times.

The fact that I know is that I have grown with narcistic mother and without father. Maybe is affecting me but how to stop thinking or to be more brave to take a decision. It is like a loupe that is killing me already for 6 months, I was crying all day when flying back from a number of our meetings. Does anybody have similar experience?

[aimlesshiker]

I'm very much the same way.

For a while I questioned if I was overthinking things: that I was overanalyzing my actions, exaggerating how lazy he was, questioning if our interactions are actually any fun. I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings properly growing up with my parents, either. So tension built up in my relationship and I didn't know how to deal with it.

I struggled with that for 2.5 years, and just yesterday I broke it off. I couldn't handle the uncertainty, the constant re-evaluation of the relationship. At a certain point I just "knew" I wasn't meant to be in this relationship, even though we're compatible, get along, etc.

You mention that you feel tense around him. Why? Is it your own underlying feelings that maybe he's not "the one?" Is there a lack of chemistry? You also mention he might not be that attractive to you. I imagine, much like I used to, that you try to overlook "looks" and see into their personality, but I have to tell you, being sexually attracted to someone is huge. You have to have that. No, it's not ALL about looks, but maybe just a bit? I felt the same way about my partner. He's cute, but just not my type.

Now, I'm not trying to force you into any decision. That'll be up to you. But I read this about a year ago, and I wish I had taken that advice when I read it. But instead I let the relationship drag on because I clung to a sliver of hope that I could be happy with him again.

People might tell you to make a list of pro's and con's of the relationship, but if I've learned anything in the past few years, it's go with your gut. Love is an emotion, and you can't "logic" your way into it. Just do whatever is going to ease YOUR suffering, even if it hurts others (and again, my bf being heartbroken and lost stopped me from breaking up with him before. I would try to ask for a break and he'd argue his way out of it).

Stop trying to think about you in respect to your relationship and just focus on what's best for YOU. <3

I feel for you so much right now. Let me know if you need to talk more, we are here for you!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Life dancer It seems like your anxiety is affecting you a lot. Unfortunately you have no way to knwo if he's truly the right person for you. The only way to know that is to spend some time with him and see how it goes from there. Perhaps your anxiety will disappear gradually. Perhaps you'll feel the same way or you'll feel even more anxous than before and in that case you need to be honest with him and with yourself about this relationship. Are you working on yourself right now? Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I'd suggest to just wait a little bit until you meet him in person and see how it goes from there. Even if it doesn't work out, it's not your fault. Perhaps he just wasn't the right match. It can happen. Or maybe you don't feel ready yet for a relationship. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Please don't give up. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Life dancer. You're a strong, wonderful person

[Life dancer]

MickeyCheeky, thank you for your answer. Communicating here helps a lot!

Yes, I am working with myself, I am meeting my psychotherapist for 4 months already. I decided to meet her because I really wanted to find out what is wrong with me, what is love, why I am so stressed, is it normal that I cry so much every evening. My boyfriend gave an idea of visiting psychotherapist and for this I am very grateful for him.

Psychotherapist helped me to meet myself by reaching a fact that I have a big inner critical child and I was growing with narcistic mother. I was learned always to do what she wants and to be perfect. Nobody taught me how to know what I want, how to be confident, how to love myself. Even she was telling to me that I shouldn't be around my stepfather because I don't know what men can do (I was 10 years old). Then she has a lover when stepfather was out for the business trips. I am still learning how to leave the past and just to think in the best future. However, sometimes it still sucks.

I know that I am strong but this topic about relationship is killing me. But I decided to try for the last time and to go in one month to Spain. I need to work on myself with a point of view that everything is going to be with me all-right. That not all relationships are created to last forever. To chill out somehow and if I don't feel well - just tell the truth, heal myself for a couple of weeks or months and go on. However, I just want to be happy but I am affraid if I do mistakes in my life. I am affraid that I will make mistake and I will hurt this man because he is super nice and cute guy but I feel that something is wrong. So I think I will go to meet him and just to watch these 10 days how is going on, how do I feel. And if it works - better. If not - I will prepare to decide myself after coming back. Firstly, to train myself not to feel guilty spending time with him, his friends and family (because I am not guilty if it not working). I would like to let you know how is going on and I will.

Thank you for your support !

[sarahsweets]

I think you've answered your own question really. I'm not quite sure why you seem to be so upset and I have so much anxiety. Are you worried that you are codependent? Do you think you might be? You say he is a good guy and I can't help but wonder that there is something more going on that is causing you such pain and anxiety. I hope that if you do break up with him you are not doing something that will ultimately hurt you. But at the same time it is not really fair for him to be in a relationship with you if you are not invested in making it work. I understand why you are worried about meeting his family and spending 10 days with him. The fact that you haven't met him at all and are in such a serious relationship makes me wonder if it's just easier for you because you have Unresolved feelings that you are not sure how to deal with. I mean no disrespect I am just thinking a little outside the box and wondering if this is something you can move beyond.

It's very easy to think that breaking up is the only solution and it might be. But it also might be a way of running away because you are scared of your feelings. I think when we have fear it is easier for us to run away than deal with it. If you have a different relationship with another guy in the future how do you know you won't feel the same way? If you get close with somebody do you think that running away is something that brings you comfort? You might not want to break up with him if this is something that is a passing feeling. But if you think there's any chance in the world that this is a permanent feeling and that the stress is too much for you, ending it now is what is fair to him.

[healingme4me]

Will these 10 days in Spain be the first time meeting him or just the first time meeting his family? Is the long distance with a goal of eliminating the distance in mind?
I think long distance is a difficult path and it's no wonder that you feel up and down with staying or ending it. It's an energy drain in its own way. It's like one foot inside of everyday reality and the other foot inside trying to make something work that isn't a physical reality.