[Yorkie]

I’m not sure where to put this. But it’s confusing me and making me feel weird. I’ll put a TLDR at the end.

So I moved in with my oldest brother about 7 or 8 months ago. If it matters, I’m 22 and he’s 26. I was screwing up and lost my job because I was too busy having problems with an ex. My brother has let me live with him in the past since we’ve always been close and hes always had his life together. I told him I’d get a job and help pay rent. To make things short, somehow he started just kind of taking my paychecks and giving me money when I needed it.

But thats not what I’m posting about. Hes been acting kinda weird and...sexual? Maybe? I’m not sure and I don’t know if im just being weird. There’s been a few things that happened, but here’s the most recent one:

We used to wrestle a lot as kids and teenagers and sometimes still do for fun. A few months ago we were doing this and he pinned me and uh...put his thumb in my mouth. I was really surprised and didn’t do anything about it at the time, I was just like wtf and we laughed it off.

It made me kind of freaked out because that’s happened to me in bed with men. I haven’t said anything about it since then because I don’t want to piss him off or anything especially if it was nothing. It just felt too intimate, like the way he was grabbing my face. Idk does this sound weird? I know him handling my money isn’t good either but this weirds me out more.

TL;DR: my brother did something quasi-sexual to me while we were hanging out and I can’t tell if it was sexual or just an weird accident/thing. Afraid to bring it up because I am pretty much dependent on him.

[divine1966]

It doesn’t sound like fun to me. Even if not sexual, pinning one’s sister down and shoving fingers in her mouth isn’t my definition of fun. You don’t need to depend on him. Homeless shelter might be a better option for the time being

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It doesn’t sound like fun to me. Even if not sexual, pinning one’s sister down and shoving fingers in her mouth isn’t my definition of fun. You don’t need to depend on him. Homeless shelter might be a better option for the time being

Ugh...my brothers house is so much more comfortable than any shelter. I would rather live with my crazy ex! Haha

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Yorkie

Ugh...my brothers house is so much more comfortable than any shelter. I would rather live with my crazy ex! Haha

It doesn’t sound comfortable to me.

maybe it's time to stop wrestling with your brother. you are 22 not a kid anymore. both adults. tell him no you don't feel comfortable if he brings it up. if you re the one starting the Olympics, stop.

if you are living with him now talk about a set rent amount. then give him that amount. then just give him that amount. get a bank acct and put everything else in the acct so he can't touch it..this way you are being accountable for your $$. you are not a minor he doesn't need to control your $$ unless you are disabled and require such help. if you are not then perhaps it is time to grow up and act like the adult. it's ok to need some help to crash land but be the adult that a 22 yr old should be..and let him know to be the 26 yr old he needs to be.

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by resurgam

maybe it's time to stop wrestling with your brother. you are 22 not a kid anymore. both adults. tell him no you don't feel comfortable if he brings it up. if you re the one starting the Olympics, stop.

if you are living with him now talk about a set rent amount. then give him that amount. then just give him that amount. get a bank acct and put everything else in the acct so he can't touch it..this way you are being accountable for your $$. you are not a minor he doesn't need to control your $$ unless you are disabled and require such help. if you are not then perhaps it is time to grow up and act like the adult. it's ok to need some help to crash land but be the adult that a 22 yr old should be..and let him know to be the 26 yr old he needs to be.

No, I know I should be more responsible, I’m not disabled. He just told me he wanted to help (since I have a history of being stupid with money and most things). I have tried to bring this up with him but he gets very angry and starts yelling. I already have enough problems with my family and I don’t want to piss him off. I know it’s not the best situation but I don’t want to start any more conflict...

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It doesn’t sound comfortable to me.

I mean, yeah you’re right. But I have dealt with worse in relationships, and my parents house is a mess, and I feel ****** just constantly crashing at friends houses. So it’s not totally comfortable but it could be worse.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Yorkie

I mean, yeah you’re right. But I have dealt with worse in relationships, and my parents house is a mess, and I feel ****** just constantly crashing at friends houses. So it’s not totally comfortable but it could be worse.

I think what’s going on is pretty bad. I’d feel unsafe. Tell him to stop wrestling with you and lock your bedroom door.

[Betty_Banana]

If you're wondering if your brother is possibly being sexual then there's a huge possibility he is otherwise you wouldn't even be questioning it.

You really need to do something about this now before it escalates.I would hate for you to come back here and post an update that he has raped you or something.It does and can happen.

I am in no way saying it would be your fault or you would be responsible if it escalates to that level,just saying don't wait around taking a chance just because his place is more comfortable than a shelter.

[Bill3]

I have tried to bring this up with him but he gets very angry and starts yelling. I already have enough problems with my family and I don’t want to piss him off.

He gets very angry and starts to yell when you suggest that you should have control of your own paycheck?

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think what’s going on is pretty bad. I’d feel unsafe. Tell him to stop wrestling with you and lock your bedroom door.

So, I'm not just being weird and suspicious then, in your opinion?

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

If you're wondering if your brother is possibly being sexual then there's a huge possibility he is otherwise you wouldn't even be questioning it.

You really need to do something about this now before it escalates.I would hate for you to come back here and post an update that he has raped you or something.It does and can happen.

I am in no way saying it would be your fault or you would be responsible if it escalates to that level,just saying don't wait around taking a chance just because his place is more comfortable than a shelter.

Yeah...its just really hard to believe. Like he's someone I've always felt so safe with, its freaking me out to feel on guard around him. Im thinking of maybe asking a friend if I can stay with them for a bit, but i'm not sure what to do about my brother. Is our relationship just going to be weird now? Is there any way to confront someone about this? Like what if I was wrong, it would be so awkward.

Originally Posted by Bill3

He gets very angry and starts to yell when you suggest that you should have control of your own paycheck?

Only when I really push it. Idk he just says I'll start screwing up again. I have definitely made some bad decisions with money before, so i guess a part of me understands. I think he has my best interest in mind.

if it feels unsafe then take precautions. period. it's time to be the big girl, brother or not. would you do this with a stranger?

would you let a stranger co troll you this way? it's uncomfortable to make changes and con front but trust me it's much more uncomfortable to be assaulted. don't worry about what he will think. he's old enough to do that on his own as well.

if it bothers you enough to ask, then you know deep inside it's wrong. you can get a ton of responses here but until you decide to act on them you are leaving yourself wide open in a bad situation.

[s4ndm4n2006]

He couldn't have gotten control of your finances without your consent so that "somehow" seems kind of misleading. if you're honest the somehow means he somehow convinced you to give him the control so please be honest here, he had no way ot taking your checks without somehow you giving in to an agreement where you surrender your check. So that out of the way, you've gotten yourself into a situation where it's much less like your brother helping or even taking care of you and more like a situation where he's in control. While initially I might think he had your best interests in mind there is no evidence that he is "helping" you other than controlling your finances. There is no evidence here of what he is doing with your finances to assist you in getting out on your own, finding your own place and being independent of him again. He's merely using your finances (as it seems anyway) to supplement his and doling out what he feels like you deserve of your own money. Sorry that's not assistance, that's control and dominance. Even stretching this to assume he really has good intentions, all that is blown out of the water with his interactions with you.

You're siblings and adults at that. Would you wrestle with a guy, 26 yrs old that is just a friend like that? You say that you used to do that as kids but that is irrelevant because you are no longer kids at all. Most ladies I know would not be wrestling around with another adult male of their age or older because of the intimate contact it involves which is in most cases other than romantically involved pairs. Sticking his thumb in your mouth? Grabbing your face? I'm sorry but this screams of just WRONG all over the place.

You need to get away from your brother, he's not acting like one and he is definitely not doing what he is doing to help you.

Yes it does sound weird. It does sound like he is being sexual with you. My guess is he would not admit it openly. He has nothing to gain from admitting it. It also sounds to me, like other posters have said, that he is being controlling with you and your money. I agree with what Sandman said though. Did you give him permission to take your paychecks? Can you take control of your own paychecks? I know that's not what concerns you most though in your OP. It does sound like your brother is being creepy (sexually) and inappropriate with you (sexually). Is it hard for you to be assertive? Can you stop wrestling with him? If he were to initiate wrestling around, would you be able to say no? It does not sound like a healthy or safe situation to be living with him, in my humble opinion.

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

He couldn't have gotten control of your finances without your consent so that "somehow" seems kind of misleading. if you're honest the somehow means he somehow convinced you to give him the control so please be honest here, he had no way ot taking your checks without somehow you giving in to an agreement where you surrender your check. So that out of the way, you've gotten yourself into a situation where it's much less like your brother helping or even taking care of you and more like a situation where he's in control. While initially I might think he had your best interests in mind there is no evidence that he is "helping" you other than controlling your finances. There is no evidence here of what he is doing with your finances to assist you in getting out on your own, finding your own place and being independent of him again. He's merely using your finances (as it seems anyway) to supplement his and doling out what he feels like you deserve of your own money. Sorry that's not assistance, that's control and dominance. Even stretching this to assume he really has good intentions, all that is blown out of the water with his interactions with you.

You're siblings and adults at that. Would you wrestle with a guy, 26 yrs old that is just a friend like that? You say that you used to do that as kids but that is irrelevant because you are no longer kids at all. Most ladies I know would not be wrestling around with another adult male of their age or older because of the intimate contact it involves which is in most cases other than romantically involved pairs. Sticking his thumb in your mouth? Grabbing your face? I'm sorry but this screams of just WRONG all over the place.

You need to get away from your brother, he's not acting like one and he is definitely not doing what he is doing to help you.

I didn't meant to sound dishonest or misleading, sorry if it came off that way im not a very good writer, and i didn't want to be super long winded. Sorry if it is confusing. What happened was i didn't have enough $$ to help with rent one month (spent it on stupid stuff), he said it would be easier if I just gave him my checks right away. It kind of morphed into him keeping it and when i would ask for the rest, he would ask what i wanted it for, and i would tell him, and he would say that i was being irresponsible. Which, I guess I was. But he just kept getting so angry about it whenever i would bring it up that i stopped asking.

Yeah, i guess i just never realized it was weird until it got weird? I have friends that play fight sometimes so it didn't seem out of the ordinary. Anyways, thanks for your insight.

Originally Posted by Ptak

Yes it does sound weird. It does sound like he is being sexual with you. My guess is he would not admit it openly. He has nothing to gain from admitting it. It also sounds to me, like other posters have said, that he is being controlling with you and your money. I agree with what Sandman said though. Did you give him permission to take your paychecks? Can you take control of your own paychecks? I know that's not what concerns you most though in your OP. It does sound like your brother is being creepy (sexually) and inappropriate with you (sexually). Is it hard for you to be assertive? Can you stop wrestling with him? If he were to initiate wrestling around, would you be able to say no? It does not sound like a healthy or safe situation to be living with him, in my humble opinion.

Yeah, I guess i technically gave him permission. It is very irritating though, because i feel like i can't confront him about it without a ton of anger. He is really tall and has a loud voice when he's angry and i dont like it. One of my ex's was angry a lot and had gotten physical with me, and hearing men shout kind of makes me panic? So i try to avoid situations like that.

Im just so freaked out. I had some kind of breakdown in my room today because i cant understand what is happening? Why he would act like he did? Tonight we were hanging out and watching netflix and he grabbed me and hugged me and all i could think about was whether he was being weird or not. I just dont understand.

I'm thinking about staying at a friends house for a little while to figure out what's going on, but im not sure what to tell him. Im scared its going to blow up into a big fight.

Hello Yorkie. So sorry you are in this confusing and stressful situation.

I think your idea about staying with your friend for a while is great...I recommend doing that much sooner rather than later. I don't recommend having a direct conversation with your brother about your specific concerns. Based on what you described, I think that might blow up and not really help you achieve your goals. Before you move to your friend's place, all you need to tell your brother is: "I appreciate that you let me stay with you and get stable with money again. That was kind of you. My next step is to work toward more independence. I think that will be easier to do when I'm not staying with family...at my friend's place I will have to stand on my own two feet and that is what I need to do now. Then I will save up and get my own place."

If he pushes for more info, just say: "That's all there is...working on my independence. If I have more updates for you after I move out, I will let you know." If he gets angry or won't let the topic drop, just leave immediately. Please remember that nobody (not even a brother) has a right to aggress toward you or frighten you. You have a right to call the police and get help if your brother scares you at any point or tries to stop you from leaving. You would likely be surprised by how quickly he would de-escalate if a man in uniform showed up to check on things.

With regard to feeling like he's being inappropriate/sexual toward you, the issue is not what he might be thinking or intending...the issue is that you ARE uncomfortable and you find it inappropriate...your feelings are valid therefore you need to set your boundaries in a way that feels comfortable for you. That would likely mean no more physical contact of any kind with your brother...it would certainly be easier that way. And that will also be a lot easier to achieve when you are not living with your brother.

Please don't do a number on yourself with self-blame etc. You've been in a less than ideal situation (we've all been in odd situations one way or another), you realized it isn't working for you, and you are going to move to a better situation. You are stronger than you realize!

It may help you to read about how and why to set boundaries...that is an important skill for all of us whether with family, friends, or colleagues. And it is not easy for any of us! You are not alone!

With regard to your money troubles, a lot of banks offer free financial advising. Why not make an appointment and ask a professional (you're also not related to) to help you manage your money? It's a skill, right? Just because it hasn't been your strength in the past doesn't mean you can't work on developing your money management skills.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future! Keep bringing your focus and goals back to you. Your brother will figure out his own life. Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself and your needs and goals. It will likely be healthier for him to live without you...if he is having incestuous feelings for you, sharing a home with you would not be the path to peace for him either, right?

If planning the transition, and telling your brother, seems like climbing a tough mountain or nearly impossible, you can always consult with an experienced therapist for comfort and coping and communication strategies. There are folks out there with just the right training to help people jump life's hurdles. A therapist can also help to analyze your relationship with your brother in a way that PC members cannot. As far as the future with your sibling relationship goes after you move out, I think you would really benefit from professional support. Best wishes!

[ssintas]

You mentioned that there have been other instances that made you uncomfortable. Were they any more threatening or pushy than what he did while you guys were wrestling?

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Hello Yorkie. So sorry you are in this confusing and stressful situation.

I think your idea about staying with your friend for a while is great...I recommend doing that much sooner rather than later. I don't recommend having a direct conversation with your brother about your specific concerns. Based on what you described, I think that might blow up and not really help you achieve your goals. Before you move to your friend's place, all you need to tell your brother is: "I appreciate that you let me stay with you and get stable with money again. That was kind of you. My next step is to work toward more independence. I think that will be easier to do when I'm not staying with family...at my friend's place I will have to stand on my own two feet and that is what I need to do now. Then I will save up and get my own place."

If he pushes for more info, just say: "That's all there is...working on my independence. If I have more updates for you after I move out, I will let you know." If he gets angry or won't let the topic drop, just leave immediately. Please remember that nobody (not even a brother) has a right to aggress toward you or frighten you. You have a right to call the police and get help if your brother scares you at any point or tries to stop you from leaving. You would likely be surprised by how quickly he would de-escalate if a man in uniform showed up to check on things.

With regard to feeling like he's being inappropriate/sexual toward you, the issue is not what he might be thinking or intending...the issue is that you ARE uncomfortable and you find it inappropriate...your feelings are valid therefore you need to set your boundaries in a way that feels comfortable for you. That would likely mean no more physical contact of any kind with your brother...it would certainly be easier that way. And that will also be a lot easier to achieve when you are not living with your brother.

Please don't do a number on yourself with self-blame etc. You've been in a less than ideal situation (we've all been in odd situations one way or another), you realized it isn't working for you, and you are going to move to a better situation. You are stronger than you realize!

It may help you to read about how and why to set boundaries...that is an important skill for all of us whether with family, friends, or colleagues. And it is not easy for any of us! You are not alone!

With regard to your money troubles, a lot of banks offer free financial advising. Why not make an appointment and ask a professional (you're also not related to) to help you manage your money? It's a skill, right? Just because it hasn't been your strength in the past doesn't mean you can't work on developing your money management skills.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future! Keep bringing your focus and goals back to you. Your brother will figure out his own life. Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself and your needs and goals. It will likely be healthier for him to live without you...if he is having incestuous feelings for you, sharing a home with you would not be the path to peace for him either, right?

If planning the transition, and telling your brother, seems like climbing a tough mountain or nearly impossible, you can always consult with an experienced therapist for comfort and coping and communication strategies. There are folks out there with just the right training to help people jump life's hurdles. A therapist can also help to analyze your relationship with your brother in a way that PC members cannot. As far as the future with your sibling relationship goes after you move out, I think you would really benefit from professional support. Best wishes!

Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply
I am very bad at setting boundaries with people. I'm not really sure how to work on it. I mentioned staying with a friend for a while to him and he flat out said 'no, that's probably a bad idea'. I'm also not the best with confrontation. I didn't know what to say so I was just quiet. I guess I'll just pack my stuff and leave, hopefully there isn't any drama. I feel stupid for putting myself in a compromising situation like this.

Originally Posted by ssintas

You mentioned that there have been other instances that made you uncomfortable. Were they any more threatening or pushy than what he did while you guys were wrestling?

Not sure if they were more threatening or pushy. Maybe equal? I don't know. He had grabbed me once and wouldn't let go until I got really upset. Then he acted like it was a joke and I overreacted? Idk. That might have been pushier. On the opposite end there have been times where he's too cuddly. That probably made me more uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by Yorkie

Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply
I am very bad at setting boundaries with people. I'm not really sure how to work on it. I mentioned staying with a friend for a while to him and he flat out said 'no, that's probably a bad idea'. I'm also not the best with confrontation. I didn't know what to say so I was just quiet. I guess I'll just pack my stuff and leave, hopefully there isn't any drama. I feel stupid for putting myself in a compromising situation like this.


Not sure if they were more threatening or pushy. Maybe equal? I don't know. He had grabbed me once and wouldn't let go until I got really upset. Then he acted like it was a joke and I overreacted? Idk. That might have been pushier. On the opposite end there have been times where he's too cuddly. That probably made me more uncomfortable.

I think you are on the right track with planning to just pack and go. Pack a backpack and wear flat comfortable shoes in case you literally need to run out. Ideally if you could leave while he's out at work or something, that would be better.

You are NOT stupid Yorkie. Your brother is exhibiting signs of an abuser. That is NOT your fault. You did NOT cause or create this situation. His actions are a reflection of his problems; not yours. Your example when he acted like it was a joke and suggested that you over-reacted is called 'gaslighting.' It is a strategy used by abusers in order to exculpate themselves and further confuse the abused person. If you google gaslighting and 'signs of abuse', I think it may help you. His flips between rage, control, and too cuddly are also indicative of an abusive pattern.

I apologize in advance if I have offended you with my direct comments about your brother's behavior but I think you need to know that these are indeed abusive behaviors and not okay. And it's not your fault. Please try to leave his home as soon as you can. Your instinct is sound; there's no value in trying to discuss your plan further with him. He is not thinking rationally. And when a person is abusing/controlling someone else; they become dependent on the person they are abusing...they feel lost without the sense of domination and control. So that is likely why he shut you down and said 'no' even though the reality is that this decision is not his to make. It is yours.

If we can help you in any way here on PC as you move forward, please let us know. And as uncomfortable as it may feel, the police are there if you need them. That is how I eventually got my ex-husband to leave me be. He wouldn't dare treat a cop (or another man) the way he treated me.

I wish you peace and hope. Please take good care of yourself Yorkie. You deserve it! Remember that Body, Mind, and Spirit are with you. Yes, this is of course traumatic for you and yet part of you knows what to do...listen to that part of yourself...she's the part telling you to leave and go to your friend's place. The part that knows he shouldn't put his finger in your mouth or take your pay cheques or grab you.

64 signs of mental and emotional abuse

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

"If you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, trust your instincts. Know that it isn’t right and you don’t have to live this way.

If you fear immediate physical violence, call 911 or your local emergency services.

If you aren’t in immediate danger and you need to talk or find someplace to go, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233. This 24/7 hotline can put you in touch with service providers and shelters across the United States."

Huge hugs to you, Yorkie. You are not alone. Can you talk to your parents about this? If not, I agree with SilverTrees. Call the hotline. Are you in therapy? There may be organizations like the YWCA that could help too.

Also, I'm so sorry this thread has triggered you. Try to keep a level head. I think you will be ok. Remember we don't know you or your brother. We are just giving our opinions. I just think it would help if you had irl support as well. I was so happy to see SilverTrees post that number. Please keep well.

[Bill3]

I didn’t read all of the comments, so someone might have mentioned this, but be aware that your brother is using “emotional blackmail” on you. This is an abusive behavior. It means that he punishes you emotionally (for example, with his anger) if you don’t do what he wants you to. In this way he tried to control your actions.

[sarahsweets]

None of that is ok....