The dating world makes me want to roll in glass

I have joined dating apps again after a couple months hiatus. It's hard to find somebody on these apps who's actually serious enough to have a conversation that doesn't start with a **** pic, let alone somebody who's willing to go on a real date. I found one recently who I hit it off with. We spent a night together and we had a great time and have spoken everyday since. Being the jaded person I am, I didn't want to get my hopes up, but my feelings got the better of me and I became infatuated with him. Like a teenage girl, I would light up when I would get a text from him. We made plans the other night and he cancelled last minute saying he was "sick". I'm pretty self-aware, and I don't think I came off as clingy or anything like that, so I am confused as to why he doesn't want to see me. Nevertheless, excuses like this are usually a clue that it's not going to move forward from here.

This always happens to me. I go on dates with guys and as soon as they hit it, they quit it, and when I don't let them right away, their short attention span leads them to somebody easier and available, and they forget about me. The chronic disappointment that these situations bring me are making me feel very discouraged and undesirable. I keep thinking that maybe if I was a little funnier, more attractive, more intelligent, or had a better job, then they would see me as worthy of their affection, but as it is it's making me feel worthless.

Is anyone else out there having trouble finding love? Is there a better way to look for it or should I just abort this mission altogether?

I am married and I have been for 24 years-married at age 20 so I have never had to really date and have no knowledge of dating apps. I just wanted to offer my support. I do not know what I would do if I had to date now. Its not easy and the internet has made is so easy to fool someone, lie and be a player. I empathize with what you are struggling with. I think having sex with someone soon after a date or dates has always carried risks though. There is no right or wrong way to go about it. I know people that had sex on the first date who have been married for 5 years and people who didnt have sex until well involved in the relationship who are married now, I also know people in both of those circumstances that never had their relationships work out. So there is no right or wrong answer. Personally I would tend to er on the side of caution when it comes to having sex right away. Anyone who pressures you to or who is annoyed that you dont probably isnt a good partner. And someone who does get sex and moves on probably isn't a good partner. If you want advice from this old lady I would say try and keep sex out of dating for awhile. It may make things easier to see through because you will know that someone who dates you even after not having gotten sex from you is really interested in what you have to offer.

Did you sleep with him the night you spent together? If so, don’t. Men you meet online will sleep with you and will just as easily discard you.

It is easy to find a date but it’s hard to find right person. Absolutely. If it was easy, there would be no divorce. Everyone would live happily ever after. So no it’s not easy.

I suggest not to be intimate too soon. Let them to get to know you and develop connection and friendship with them, have various experiences with them before sex. Right person will wait and wrong people will push you for sex.

I did online dating for 5 years and got nothing but horrible relationships and dating experiences from it. I'll never resort to online dating again. I'm nearly 50 and here's what i've learned about men and dating: if you sleep with a man on the first date, you've just devalued yourself in front of him, and he sees that you have, so he doesn't view you as valuable of a chase anymore. Doesn't matter if he's a nice guy or a toxic guy. Remember that idiom, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

He wasn't sick. That was an excuse not to see you again. He'll probably breadcrumb you with a few random texts here and there while he figures out how to fade away from you. You've already slept with him, so he doesn't feel challenged by you.

Since you already know your weaknesses, I'd work on those if I were you until you are ready to date again. Take your time getting to know the guy. Postpone sex until he verbally asks you to be exclusive. Not saying you have to act like a virgin, but for the sake of argument, take sex off the table until he shows and tells you he's ready to be in a relationship with you. That could mean you date each other for a month at the very minimum before you have sex. Dating should be about talking and learning about each other. It shouldn't just be about sex. First, try to figure out if he is a guy you WANT to be in a relationship with. And then if he is, go crazy and have all the sex you want. But until that point, just don't do it. Or you'll repeat a dysfunctional pattern like you have been and get nowhere with your goal of finding a healthy relationship with a guy.

Guys use dating sights as hook up sites. Often a guy just wants sex with different women, is not really interested in having an actual relationship.

No need to abort..I would suggest taking your time getting to know and waiting to have sex...if they don’t want to wait then they aren’t serious and you need to keep it moving..

I empathize with this situation because it is something I had struggled with for years. There is no right answer, but I will say that free dating apps and sites are a hotbed for guys using it for sex. That's just my personal experience talking.

If you're serious and you want to try it out, I used Eharmony to find my guy. I know its not a popular opinion to spend money on a dating site, but if you want quality, sometimes you have to pay for it. It worked for me and it might work for you.

I’ve met my husband on eharmony. He always says “best money he ever spent”. Certainly was worth it every penny for both.

I actually think most adults use paid sites, not free

Some people say they use free sites because they can’t afford paid sites. My opinion is probably going to be unpopular, but if the person struggles so badly that they can’t afford monthly fee, which isn’t that much, then they might not be in a position of dating and might have to focus on other stuff like getting on
Their feet first.

Ok. I am going to give my honest opinion here. I KNOW that you of the younger generation basically live online, and I realize that perhaps online dating is a quicker way to meet people, and also it broadens your "field" a bit. However... I grew up with no such things. We all did. We all met people and dated. You dated people you knew or met through people who knew them, and could tell you about them, at least basically. Online, you can basically be anyone, and sell anyone on anything. I know a guy around here who brags online to be a big cowboy, that has used a Youtube video, saying that it is HIM riding a bull. My attitude about online dating is, if you have to use it, there is something wrong with you. You have exhausted your opportunities locally and need to reach for those who don't know you or know anything about you. Just my opinion.

I disagree. Many people are busy in their lives with work and activities and may not know how best to meet people. Or perhaps they don’t have a large network or group of friends to meet people through. It’s hard to meet people if you work full time. What options are there? Sure you can join interest groups and singles social groups but not everyone feels comfortable doing that. My sister met her now fiancé on an online dating site. She did online dating because she’s very busy with three kids. Divine met hers through eharmony. To say something is wrong with someone because they have to rely on online dating is erroneous and to me, comes across as insulting. That’s not fair to say. I’ve met plenty of nice men through online dating. Nothing is wrong with the person, it’s just sometimes easier than trying to meet someone in your daily life and yes it widens the net immensely. Although you’re right. Online dating is also a risk and one must be careful especially with the free sites. I agree that paid sites are probably better.

Really? Well there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or my husband. At the time I was interested in getting married again (it’s second marriage for both) I knew zero single/divorced/widowed men in my age bracket. I’d not date at work, bad idea, plus no single men at work. I have ton of friends and do ton of activities but no single men there. My hobbies are female oriented so no men there and my social circle is all women, none of them know single men. All my brother’s friends are married. I don’t go to bars as I don’t drink and generally am conservative in my life style. Men in my congregation are married. In my gym I typically do activities that aren’t really conducive to meeting men: Zumba and water aerobics not particularly too many men there. I spend two hours a day commuting to work and back.

So what local dating opportunities was I supposedly exhausted before going online?

You mentioned before that you aren’t happily married. So how is it something is wrong with me finding excellent husband on eharmony and being happily married? Wouldn’t quality of marriage be more important than where we meet our husbands?

Ton of people meet their less than stellar spouses in whatever face to face places (not online) and live in bad marriages their whole lives but supposedly they go about it the right way. But there is something wrong with people who are happily married to upstanding people but met them online. Say what..

It makes zero senses. Why would someone even care where people find dates?

We had video dating in the 1980s, then online dating started in 1995.

I disagree that online dating makes dating more convenient because we work 8 to 5 jobs etc.,. I'm Gen X and I grew up without any technology as did the generations prior to me. None of them required online dating apps to date or marry their spouses.

Over the past forty years, digital media has altered the modern workplace, the family household, the way we interact socially, the way we date, listen to music, grocery shop, etc. There's no going back now.

Having experienced online dating for five years, using eHarmony, Match, OkCupid, and *gasp* Plenty of Fish, those were five miserable years. I met every type of "Mr. Wrong" there is, while online dating: the over-50-bachelor, the-online-guy (he just wants to email and text but never wants to commit to plans offline with you), the pathological liar guy (his photos are either fake or really old, and he lies about everything written in his profile), the come-on-strong-fast-and-fade-quickly guy (why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, applies here), the narcissist guy, the verbal abusive guy, the physical abusive guy, the unemployed guy, the alcoholic guy, the druggie guy.

I think if I got involved with Meetups again or other social groups for my community (sports, etc.) I may meet a single, normal, guy. I will never do online dating ever again. Why should I pay some algorithm $55/month so I can view fake-online profiles of men (which probably make up at least half of the online dating profiles for men), or spend hours crafting great emails to men who either never respond, respond with tepid interest, or respond and then back-out at the last minute for a first date plan? I will never put myself through that hell again. That was 5 years and $3300 total that I could have saved for a fantastic overseas vacation somewhere. No way will I waste a dime on online dating websites or even free online dating websites again.

I think it’s clearly a situation where some people have bad experiences online and some have met the love of their lives and marry them. It also depends on how you portray yourself online, what your profile says, the pics you choose to post and the men you choose to communicate with. There is no right or wrong way. There are a-Holes everywhere. You can easily meet toxic people offline just as you can online. Online just makes it easier for people to lie and hide the truth. But the truth comes out no matter what. And if you meet someone offline, usually ppl show their best behaviors in the early stages and you still have to see who they really are, over time. Yes online dating is now the new norm and maybe it’s not someone’s preference but that doesn’t mean it cannot work.

You can meet a jerk in every walk of life. Some people meet a jerk after jerk in real life and they have never been on any dating site. I’ve met very nice men online and very nice men in real life and I’ve met some not so nice in both online and real life. It’s no matter where you look for people. The point is you can meet right and wrong people everywhere.

Heck I know a woman who was married THREE times, all three times to alcoholics and abusers. No kidding. And she’s never been on online dating sites. So it’s not dating sites fault.

Yes it is absolutely easier to lie online but if you do your due diligence and investigate who people are and are careful, you likely aren’t going to settle for a jerk.

Meetup is not a bad idea at all. I belong to several, strictly women ones, but a friend of mine met a nice guy on a co-Ed movie meetup and they’ve been together for a few years now.

Personally I can’t care less where people meet good match. Makes zero difference

Well, I invested money in online dating and it did nothing good for me. So, to each her/his own. I'd rather save my money for travel or taking a class than ever throw it away to an online dating website again. I can't argue against the fact that it does work for some people. My cousin met his 2nd wife through eHarmony and they've been married for six years and have a child together. So, you and Hope are right, divine1966, that online dating or real life is a crap shoot. I just prefer in-person crap shoots to online dating crap shoots; much cheaper that way. ;D

I understand your point of view.

I just don’t think it’s “either or”. It’s not like if you do online dating, you choose that over traveling or taking classes or enjoying other things. You can do both. I’ve been to 19 countries and 21 states-several states and countries way more than once. I have graduate degree and two different undergrads and state license. Plus I fairly regularly take classes that pertain to a hobby of mine. So I never put my life on hold and didn’t deny myself pleasures of life because I was on a dating site. It’s not like going on dating site means everything in life has to stop and put on hold. Life goes on.

I also certainly don’t consider it money thrown away either as it got me to meet my awesome husband.

Oh I also have to add that people often use online dating or other type of matchmaking because they are looking for a very specific criteria in a life long partner. It’s easier to set up that criteria online. My daughter recently met this nice guy online, she is looking for specific religious persuasion so looking online was the way to go (no single men of her age bracket in religious institution she attends). It was the same for the guy.

Oh, but it is for some of us. Who are you, Mrs. Howell the III?

I have a bachelors and 2 masters degrees but that doesn't mean I'm not in financial straits. I don't think you really take that into consideration when you should. Not everyone can afford to do both.

And to pish-posh those of us who can't, as though we are losers, is very short sighted I'm sorry to say. I don't appreciate your attitude that those who can't afford to do both, are losers because that's certainly what your posts imply. And it's simply not true at all!!!!!

I think people should do whatever they want as long as no one gets harmed. They can date or not date or be married or be single. Use online dating or not. I did it all. All had its pros and cons. It’s whatever works and suits everyone. I don’t think anyone can say that certain way of living (and in this case dating) is better than the other or that there is something wrong with us who met our match online etc There is no right or wrong way to go about it as long as no one commits fraud or crime.

I’m so old I used to use personal ads in the newspaper! Remember the Pina Colada Song?

I met my husband at a bar during happy hour.

There was a certain energy I’d have about me when I was single and ‘looking’. Maybe it was an approachability and men picked up on it. Yes, I was young and fairly attractive, but a good number of men noticed and took interest in me when I came into contact with them around town. I was warm and friendly and showed them I found them interesting.

I can see how every Mr. Wrong is looking for a booty call at turbo speed online. Hopefully, you can weed them out and find Mr. Right soon.

May I ask which dating apps you are using? The only one I used was Match and I had no problems. Though I am currently in a long-term relationship with a man I met offline. I didn't experience any **** pics or anything like that on Match. It's also really helpful to learn how to screen online before you meet anyone. Profile pics with sunglasses, shirt off, a lot of posing, pics with groups of sexy women etc....just skips those profiles entirely.

I know from what friends have told me that some apps are designed as casual sex apps. Nothing wrong with that if that's what both parties want. But you sound like you want a relationship, do I have that right? Have you tried Match.com? I had a friend who liked EHarmony. But heads up, based on when I tried it a long time ago, that site favors Christians and excludes gay folks and separated people so that one only works for certain people.

There are lots of reasons why people are unsuccessful in the dating world....it doesn't mean something is wrong with the person or that the dating world is toxic. When you say:
"I keep thinking that maybe if I was a little funnier, more attractive, more intelligent, or had a better job, then they would see me as worthy of their affection, but as it is it's making me feel worthless. "

Is the dating scene actually making you feel worthless or do you already feel worthless and become disappointed that the dating scene is not making you feel valued? Your worth is not created or altered by the people around you. It is intrinsic. A wonderful woman can meet a very unkind or disrespectful man and she is still a wonderful woman. The key is that she herself has to first believe in her own worth. If she looks to men to create that feeling for her, it is not the path to peace. It sounds like that may be happening with you though please correct me if I misunderstood. No judgment here. That's a very human struggle. I would recommend addressing that piece...see what changes when you go on dates after already establishing your own self-appreciation.

There are also MeetUp groups. A way to have fun and meet new men and women without the pressure of dating. Maybe worth a look?

Should you abort your mission? NO WAY! if you want a loving partner in your life, then that is a dream you should not drop. You might just need to try some different approaches and do some more introspection first. Nothing wrong with that.

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

- Langston Hughes

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!

Ha ha I remember the personal ads! Oh those were the days! Remember Craigslist ads where you'd mention someone you saw in person, hoping they'd read that section and find each other again.

My sister met her husband in a bar; she gave him a fake name at first but then he won over her trust by the end of the night, when he prepaid for a cab to take my sister and her friends back to their house (he didn't go with them, he went home to his own house). Then a few months later, he went on a family trip with us, and I like to take credit for convincing my sister to marry her husband while on the trip.

Hopefully the OP will slow things down with the men she meets online -- if she continues to date online. Or slow things down with men she decides to meet from other clubs offline. I think in general, the consensus here is to take your time, slow down, and take sex off the table and get to know the man before things really get physical, as the

For a good laugh, watch this video montage of dating video profiles from the 1980s.

Thanks for the responses. I'm curious to know if any of you would change your opinion about me postponing sex if I told you that I am also a man. For gay people, sex on the first date is basically like shaking hands. I am going to take your opinions into consideration though and play a little harder to get. Thanks again.