I recently became friends with one of my colleagues and I am taking it slow...perhaps too slow. She approached me, rather than me approaching her.

I wonder if she thinks I'm cold and distant, but it's nothing personal against her.

I agreed with my counselor last session that I need to take time to get to know people.

The thing that made me uncomfortable last time I had lunch with my new friend was that she started to confide in me about her problems and the situation she described is strikingly similar to the fraudulent sob story of my female relative.

But I have a gut feeling my new friend is telling the truth.

But I still want to take it slow because of my past experience/ foolishness of falling for someone else's fake sob story.

What are some signs that someone's story is legitimate? Can you give examples?

It's good you are taking it slow.

I have a tendency to "believe" what people tell me until they start telling me so much that it begins to not add up.

There was someone at work who sat next to me in a call center who's sob story (single mom saying father did not pay child support/car broke down and didn't have the funds to fix) motivated me to give her cash. I only gave a small amount ($40). I never lend money to people. I either give them a gift that I can afford or nothing at all. When she started coming up with other sob stories about needing money; that was when I began to believe it might be a lie plus I later overheard her talking about going to "B@@@@ ******" (a place where you can play poker) and thought--what kind of single mother low on funds goes and plays poker on the weekend? At that point, I figured I had been had but that is why I didn't give too much in the first place or expect the money back.. That she was the kind of person who would take advantage of other people made her a not so nice person and I felt sorry for her child!

Though I believe in listening to your gut--some people have become so good at "playing" others that you can still get had. Try not to worry about being cold and distant--guilt is a tactic that users use!

Originally Posted by ennie

What are some signs that someone's story is legitimate? Can you give examples?

Personally I find it very difficult to find such signs.

However, one thing I do is respond to the story with statements that make it known the only help they will get from me is a listening ear. Typically users will then go off to find a new victim. While legitimate people will be happy for the listening ear and will stick around.

Originally Posted by ennie

But I have a gut feeling my new friend is telling the truth.

But I still want to take it slow because of my past experience/ foolishness of falling for someone else's fake sob story.

What are some signs that someone's story is legitimate? Can you give examples?

What is the fake sob story that your cousin tells, that you know for a fact isn't true? If you don't mind me asking?

There is no way to tell if someone's story is legitimate at face value. You have to know certain facts about the subject they're speaking of, to discern whether or not they're telling you the truth.

For example: if someone told me they just bought a new car, after filing chapter 7 bankruptcy, I would know they are lying, b/c car dealerships will not sell a new car to someone who just filed chapter 7, b/c that lowers your credit score and no bank lender wants to lend someone money who just filed chapter 7 b/c they have no income or money.

No one can tell you -- not even your therapist -- if your new friend is lying. You have to look for clues in the story to figure out if the story is true or false.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

What is the fake sob story that your cousin tells, that you know for a fact isn't true? If you don't mind me asking?

There is no way to tell if someone's story is legitimate at face value. You have to know certain facts about the subject they're speaking of, to discern whether or not they're telling you the truth.

For example: if someone told me they just bought a new car, after filing chapter 7 bankruptcy, I would know they are lying, b/c car dealerships will not sell a new car to someone who just filed chapter 7, b/c that lowers your credit score and no bank lender wants to lend someone money who just filed chapter 7 b/c they have no income or money.

No one can tell you -- not even your therapist -- if your new friend is lying. You have to look for clues in the story to figure out if the story is true or false.

I am actually the type to give people the maximum benefit of doubt. Even in the face of lies, I used to be in denial, making excuses for her, trying to talk myself out of distrust because I want to believe that people are good.

But such wishful thinking does not always work.

My point is, I am not the type to jump into negative conclusions about people. I only conclude that someone is lying when I cannot deny it any longer.

I have actually posted about this (probably before you came to PC), but she acted desperately saying she is financially struggling. Then I later found out that she is going on vacations. I also later found out she was omitting information about her other incomes.

This is why I am taking it slow with my new friend even though I believe her. And honestly, I feel guilty for taking it so slow because I see that she wants a close friendship sooner than I am ready. I feel like I'm letting her down, but I need to protect myself too.

[Bill3]

I feel guilty for taking it so slow because I see that she wants a close friendship sooner than I am ready.

One of the signs of a potentially abusive person is pressure to move faster that you feel comfortable moving.

You can maintain your boundaries and still be friends.

Originally Posted by ennie

I am actually the type to give people the maximum benefit of doubt. Even in the face of lies, I used to be in denial, making excuses for her, trying to talk myself out of distrust because I want to believe that people are good.

But such wishful thinking does not always work.

My point is, I am not the type to jump into negative conclusions about people. I only conclude that someone is lying when I cannot deny it any longer.

I have actually posted about this (probably before you came to PC), but she acted desperately saying she is financially struggling. Then I later found out that she is going on vacations. I also later found out she was omitting information about her other incomes.

This is why I am taking it slow with my new friend even though I believe her. And honestly, I feel guilty for taking it so slow because I see that she wants a close friendship sooner than I am ready. I feel like I'm letting her down, but I need to protect myself too.

Ah, I see. I'm the opposite of you. I don't trust people until they give me a reason to (with their actions, and the patterns of the way they communicate with me and treat me). So, maybe I can't help you in the way that you need.

I was in your cousin's situation -- well, I still am. I omitted a lot of information from my relatives about it, b/c it's none of their business. That doesn't make me a liar, though. It just means, I have boundaries with them.

I borrowed money from a cousin and a friend, then later went on a vacation after I moved in with my mother. I don't know if they resent me for doing that, or what, but it's my business, not theirs.

Why does your cousin's life choices bother you so much? Did you lend her money and she didn't repay you? Did you ask her to repay you? Maybe she was/is financially struggling. If she is, why is that a strike against her, if she somehow finds a way to go on vacation? Unless you expected her to repay you the money you lent her and communicated that to her, and then she went on vacation without repaying you -- I could see your anger at her as justified. Otherwise, it comes across as you being very judgmental of your cousin. You know I respect you here, even if we disagree. I hope.

Does that help at all?

If your new friend is already disclosing personal information this quickly with you, take that as a "yellow" warning flag. If this friendship with your new friends is built on the need to feel needed, I'd back off from it, if I were you. Otherwise, I think she's setting you up to be her emotional go-to source of support.

There's no room for growth with these types of one-sided friendships either, b/c the person who is the emotional vampire, has nothing to give their source of emotional support when that person asks for reciprocation of emotional support.

The emotional vampire won't supply emotional support to others, b/c they view themselves as the constant victim. Now, I don't know the dynamic of your new friendship, so I'm just guessing here.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Ah, I see. I'm the opposite of you. I don't trust people until they give me a reason to (with their actions, and the patterns of the way they communicate with me and treat me). So, maybe I can't help you in the way that you need.

I was in your cousin's situation -- well, I still am. I omitted a lot of information from my relatives about it, b/c it's none of their business. That doesn't make me a liar, though. It just means, I have boundaries with them.

I borrowed money from a cousin and a friend, then later went on a vacation after I moved in with my mother. I don't know if they resent me for doing that, or what, but it's my business, not theirs.

Why does your cousin's life choices bother you so much? Did you lend her money and she didn't repay you? Did you ask her to repay you? Maybe she was/is financially struggling. If she is, why is that a strike against her, if she somehow finds a way to go on vacation? Unless you expected her to repay you the money you lent her and communicated that to her, and then she went on vacation without repaying you -- I could see your anger at her as justified. Otherwise, it comes across as you being very judgmental of your cousin. You know I respect you here, even if we disagree. I hope.

Does that help at all?

If your new friend is already disclosing personal information this quickly with you, take that as a "yellow" warning flag. If this friendship with your new friends is built on the need to feel needed, I'd back off from it, if I were you. Otherwise, I think she's setting you up to be her emotional go-to source of support.

There's no room for growth with these types of one-sided friendships either, b/c the person who is the emotional vampire, has nothing to give their source of emotional support when that person asks for reciprocation of emotional support.

The emotional vampire won't supply emotional support to others, b/c they view themselves as the constant victim. Now, I don't know the dynamic of your new friendship, so I'm just guessing here.

I respect you also. I don't think there is any disagreement here; just lack of sufficient information.

I think your case is different because you never made up fake stories to get money from someone but dealt honestly with boundaries.

Originally Posted by ennie

I respect you also. I don't think there is any disagreement here; just lack of sufficient information.

I think your case is different because you never made up fake stories to get money from someone but dealt honestly with boundaries.

Ah, ok. Yes, I told them why I needed the money (not able to find summer work to cover summer rent costs) and asked them if they wanted me to repay them. Then I took myself on a vacation and none of them -- at least to my face -- have accused me of being a liar. Maybe they think I am. But they know I live with my mother now, and that I'm still struggling to find a full time job and I'm back in grad school for the 2nd time.

I'm curious what fake stories your cousin is always telling you, and why you would lend her money more than once if you know she's lying? I'm glad you are open to discussions like where there is some sensitive topics.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Ah, ok. Yes, I told them why I needed the money (not able to find summer work to cover summer rent costs) and asked them if they wanted me to repay them. Then I took myself on a vacation and none of them -- at least to my face -- have accused me of being a liar. Maybe they think I am. But they know I live with my mother now, and that I'm still struggling to find a full time job and I'm back in grad school for the 2nd time.

I'm curious what fake stories your cousin is always telling you, and why you would lend her money more than once if you know she's lying? I'm glad you are open to discussions like where there is some sensitive topics.

StreetcarBlanche, I do believe you are an honest person.

And like I said, I was in denial about my relative lying for a long time. That's why I helped her. We sometimes ask someone who are being abused, "If he hits you, why do you stay with him?" It's because that person is still living in a denial. But I am no longer close to her.

However, I have been very unsure about my new friendship. I don't want to look at my new friend in the light of my experience with my relative, because that would be unfair to her. My friend is a different and unique person of her own.

At the same time, I'm afraid of "being burned again." You know what I mean?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Bill3

One of the signs of a potentially abusive person is pressure to move faster that you feel comfortable moving.

You can maintain your boundaries and still be friends.

I agree with this. Abusive people put pressure on us.. it’s all about them and their needs.

I too have had a tendency to “believe” people who it later turned out played people like a violin

But you can still be friends and maintain your boundaries.

Originally Posted by ennie

I recently became friends with one of my colleagues and I am taking it slow...perhaps too slow. She approached me, rather than me approaching her.

I wonder if she thinks I'm cold and distant, but it's nothing personal against her.

I agreed with my counselor last session that I need to take time to get to know people.

The thing that made me uncomfortable last time I had lunch with my new friend was that she started to confide in me about her problems and the situation she described is strikingly similar to the fraudulent sob story of my female relative.

But I have a gut feeling my new friend is telling the truth.

But I still want to take it slow because of my past experience/ foolishness of falling for someone else's fake sob story.

What are some signs that someone's story is legitimate? Can you give examples?

I think the first sign there’s a problem is when you don’t know someone very well and they are telling you their sob story. I started to become friends with someone like this a few years ago and then I had to get away from them. There is always a drama and she always wanted something from me but she didn’t reciprocate. I don’t have many friends but I am learning to keep a polite distance and avoid drama so the people in my life aren’t taking advantage of me.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I think the first sign there’s a problem is when you don’t know someone very well and they are telling you their sob story. I started to become friends with someone like this a few years ago and then I had to get away from them. There is always a drama and she always wanted something from me but she didn’t reciprocate. I don’t have many friends but I am learning to keep a polite distance and avoid drama so the people in my life aren’t taking advantage of me.

This happened to me more than once. I was told I should be the one to approach someone to pursue a friendship rather than being approached, because they might be approaching me with an agenda. That's kind of hard as an introvert but I suppose there is a room for growth.

[MickeyCheeky]

I completely understand what you mean, ennie! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Unfortunately there's no way to know for sure at least in the beginning! I'd suggest to just give her some time and try to see if you can spot any contradictions between the stories she's telling you and perhaps ask her about it if they're minor enough! Most importantly be VERY careful if they're asking you ANY favors such as money or anything similar, ok? I'm sure you know that already! Just be careful and be patient! It can take time but you WILL figure it out sooner or later! I'm SURE of that! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Sending MANY SAFE, WARM HUGS TO YOU, ENNIE!