Out of Sight Out of Mind

My oldest son never calls me. I looked back at the past years of texts and it was always me reaching out to him. It was at least once a week, messages like ‘How are you?’ And ‘TGIF!’. Sometimes he’d respond, sometimes not even a response.

I’m hurt that he never reached out to me on his own volition. He doesn’t think of me at all? This just seems strange to me.

He’s had a gf this whole time and they are now getting married. I can see he is very busy and preoccupied with his life with her. But I would still think a son would occasionally reach out to his mother and father. He’s only reached out when he needed something financial.

My husband is an only child. When we first got together, I noticed he also never called his parents, nor did they call him. It was me who would ask him fairly often to call his parents to keep in touch. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Their aloofness was baffling to me.

My other son calls quite a lot. He doesn’t have a gf, nor does he have any other friends right now. So he’s lonely. Partly, his reason for being alone is that he is working very hard and his job is fairly isolating in a lab. Also, he has some social anxiety. But he has been a completely different kid in his warm contact with his mom and dad.

So, it’s not that you don’t get contact from sons vs. daughters.

I don’t know how to say to my son that I would like him to call/text me more. If I say that, he may do it, but it won’t feel good because I forced him. If I stop contacting him, I wonder if he will ever notice and reach out to me. But then I am playing games with the phone just like my mom does, and I can’t stand that.

Is this just the way it is? Once my son left for college the relationship was really over? It’s just super painful.

The important thing is your son is happy and busy and living his life and planning. Just because they don't call doesn't mean they don't care, you want him to be busy and happy and independent right?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, TishaBuy! Even though I'm not a parent, I believe I COMPLETELY understand how you feel and what you mean and what you're going through and it must be VERY painful! Unfortunately the relationships with our kids can be lessend when they get away from us! That seems natural and it definitely depends on the kind of person he is and what relationship you've had with him before that! Can I ask you how good was the relationship with your son before he left for college? Was it a good relationship? I'd suggest to talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! I don't think that you have to think of it as him "being forced" to do something! Perhaps he's just been VERY BUSY right now and he just doesn't realize that you miss him SO MUCH! Perhaps if you DO tell him that you're missing him and that you'd like him to write to you a little bit more he'll just DO THAT! I ALSO believe that you always contacting him first may have kicked in some sort of "routine"! He already knows that you'll contact him first so perhaps he just doesn't try? Is that an option for you? Does that make sense for you? PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I ALSO completely agree with what Open Eyes has already wisely said better than I ever could! Just show him that you're REALLY HAPPY for him and for how things are going for him! I hope things will get better soon for you and your son! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN if you want to, ok? Sending many hugs to you and your sons, TishaBuy!

I thought it was a great, healthy relationship before he left for college. He always told me about what was going on in his life, asked for advice regarding any issues. He never didn’t come through with whatever he needed to.

As soon as he left it was like he never looked back.

Of course, I am happy he is thriving and wish the best for him. Do you all think I am being unreasonable in feeling abandoned? Was I under some misconception that a child grows up and has a life of their own, and they never call their parents again?

Gosh, talk about empty nest syndrome! Wouldn’t you think your kid would miss you just a little and call once in a while?

At least one son hasn’t abandoned me. I didn’t guilt him into calling, either. We mutually keep in touch and it’s great to hear about his weekly happenings.

We were not at all controlling parents. So it wasn’t because there were any issues with this son.

Looking back, the now series is ‘dis’s’ began when he told us he had been working a job while in college and had opened a separate bank account to deposit the checks keeping it secret from us. He said he did it because he didn’t want us to know he had a job. We wouldn’t have wanted him to have the job because he needed to spend all his time succeeding at his major (which he didn’t succeed because he didn’t put in the time because he had a job!). That was a sneaky and not smart thing he did. That was out of character for our son to do.

I think it was the influence of his now fiancé. I think the series of more that he did is all her influence. I really don’t like what I have seen him become. There is this guarded attitude toward us coming from him since hooking up with her.

Still, I know it is my son who chooses to be toward us as he is. It’s too bad. Oh well...

He’ll be fine doing everything his way on his own.

It would have been nice had he been as independent as he is but remained a little communicative and respectful. He must have gotten the idea that he has to be completely distant from his parents in order to be an adult.

Yes, I’m grateful he is healthy and doing well. His aloofness does feel like he doesn’t care. He really doesn’t care, otherwise I’d feel he does. I’m mature enough to be the parent who doesn’t give him a hard time. It just hurts and I wish it weren’t the case. It’s just another harsh reality I cope with.

I'm so sorry if my words have hurt you, TishaBuy! That wasn't my intention! I better understand what you mean now! I understand it must hurt a lot! Unfortunately we can't control what other people decide to do, including our sons, we can only control what WE do! I'm sure you've been a wonderful mother and that you've done EVERYTHING that you could to be a good parent! Unfortunately things like this can just happen and it's NOT YOUR FAULT! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you have a good relationship with your other son at least! I hope you're taking GREAT care of yourselves as well! I'm so sorry that you're going through! It must certainly be VERY PAINFUL and your feelings are TOTALLY VALID! It's perfectly normal that you'd feel the way you do! Sending many hugs to you, TishaBuy!

You didn’t hurt my feelings at all, Mickey. I wanted feedback for help with this issue. I can handle constructive criticism and seek truth. If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong.

I think the deeper fear here is that I am actually worried for my son. I wonder if his fiancé is truly healthy for him. There’s no stopping this marriage, so only time will tell.

He didn’t even need the money from that job. Plus the job was at a fast food restaurant and had nothing to do with his major. So why the betrayal and secrecy? It wasn’t for the little money he made. Why?

Now there’s been a series of F you’s since then. It’s disturbing to me for a deeper fear for his well being.

I would be hurt TishaBuv.That's your son and of course we want and expect them to contact us regardless of what's going on in their lives.

If I was in your shoes I would most likely tell my son what I think and feel about it.

Hello TishaBuv,

so sorry you are struggling with this situation and feeling abandoned. That sounds really sad and confusing for you

As an outsider, what I think is happening could perhaps be related to boundary issues. Your son is growing and stretching his wings and exercising his autonomy. You mentioned an issue you had when he had a job in college and did not tell you. I don't see why he would be required to tell you as an adult in college. At that point, it was up to him to manage his time and sink or swim, so to speak, in the academic world. If you were you financially supporting him in college and that was the issue, it's best to withdraw the financial support and let him find his own way....with student loans and a job etc. The fact that he kept the job to himself was his way of setting a boundary there. You deemed it "sneaky" and "not smart" so your son could be picking up on the fact that you have difficulty with those boundaries. His response to that may be distancing himself.

It sounds like you are not a fan of his fiance; he is probably aware of that. I don't know if you have commented directly on her to him but he could likely feel tension there. That could be another cause of distance, if he feels you are not openly accepting his chosen partner he may be more comfortable not being at home and bringing her around you etc.

You mentioned that your husband was not in the habit of calling his parents so you often asked him to. That's another good example of a boundary issue. It's your husband's choice whether he calls his parents or not.

I think you said perhaps your son (the distant one) still asks for money. I recommend knocking that habit on the head. If he's old enough to move out and go to college and get married, he's old enough to support himself financially. It's untenable for him to distance himself emotionally from you while also taking money from you. That must be confusing and frustrating for you!

I understand why you feel sad about the distance and lack of communication. You could try a combination of honoring his space while also giving him some signs that you are going to work on respecting his boundaries. You could perhaps make an effort the next time you're together in person (I don't know if that's still happening) to invite his fiance and warmly welcome her and take time to get to know her better. You could even send a text....something like: "Haven't seen you for a while and would love to catch up with you and your fiance....does she have a favorite meal we could prepare for you two? I also am aware of how busy you are and want to respect your schedule. Thinking of you and wishing you both well! "

Just a few ideas for you TishaBuv. Boundary issues are so common and tricky for us humans and I think one of the most frequent sources of family strife. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future

We were completely supporting him while he was in college. Now that I am thinking about it I figured it out! He got the job and kept it secret so he could save up money for a downpayment on the apartment he now rented to live in with her! We were encouraging him to do all he needed to do for his career, which meant doing labs and internships. He didn’t do this. Instead, he worked this job, keeping this from us while we financially supported him in full, so he could save up money to carry out his secret plans that she wanted! Yeah, we would not have given him the money for the apartment and the company job he ended up taking. We expected him to follow through with his career and we were thinking we were supporting him in that. Now, we could have had an honest discussion, but he chose to just be sneaky.

I’ve tried to keep an open mind and like his fiancé. No, I never said that I didn’t like her or acted like I didn’t in any way. We just saw them and I was very gracious. Still, there’s no good connection with her, all coming from her.

This son only takes from us phone, health insurance, and auto insurance. Once he weds in a few months, I’m not sure what will happen.

Our other son gets paid from his grad school program, plus we pay the above for him.

The son with the fiancé paid everything for the apartment, all the rent although he lives with her. Now I see what happened with that!

I felt like I was being a good daughter in law, reminding my h to call his parents and keeping in touch with them. He could have told me he didn’t want to and I’d have stopped, but they all seemed happy to speak to each other. I was trying to build a bridge with us and his parents. This is also something I am put off with his fiancé for not doing. Wouldn’t a loving partner want to help build a loving relationship with their partner’s family? She has done nothing of the sort, only the opposite.

I'd like to ask you what you are doing for yourself TishaBuv? You seem to have been knocked back by people around you, but you are smart and have a breadth of life experience. How can you use that for you personally.

Your sons seem to have lucked out in getting so much financial support from their parents but it's normal to need to make our own mistakes and to learn from them.
I'm not writing this to be nasty at all, but your recent posts seem so sad - and somewhere deep in that sadness is the kernel of new growth - nurtured by all your rich life experience. It's a work to transform sadness into growth... but you will - I have this sense of richness waiting to happen in you - like the old fortune teller that I am.

Hugs!!!

Since I started taking a med that has stopped my crying meltdowns , I am taking baby steps to just breathe and function daily. My husband quit his job , thanks to not caring to financially help our kids any more and we’ll have loads of time together now. No real plans at all his or mine....

How would you say it without sounding too needy and whiny?

It sounds a bit like you and your husband were a bit to overly-involved, directional, about his college coursework, internships, etc., and as an adult, he decided to make his own money and make some decisions on his own so that he could gain some independence and self-governance in his own life. I don't think being "sneaky" or "secretive" was his aim; rather, he simply needed some space to learn how to be independent of his parents.

You are great parents to help financially, but college-aged adults need some financial and decision-making space to figure things out, and several of your posts about this sound a bit like you had a bit more involvement in his decision making than would really be comfortable for most guys his age. He may make mistakes. This relationship may or may not make it. It's not your decision. It's his life to learn from.

I am the mother to three men. ALL of them wanted to have at least some of their own funds under their own control, not just the money we may have given them. They wanted their own money with no strings attached to Mom and Dad. NONE of them wanted Mom or Dad telling them what courses to take in college, what internships to be involved in, etc.

Space. They wanted and needed their space, including what courses they would take, what jobs they might work at, what career they would choose, and what they could swing financially to the best of their ability while they figured all that out.

Because we stayed pretty hands-off when it came to their decision-making after high school, they have always stayed in contact and the lines of communication have been open because they know they can ask for advice and we won't dictate expectations to them. Have they all taken the same collegiate path? No. That wasn't what they all wanted, and we heard them and have tried to either remain supportive (financially or otherwise) as we could, OR we let them know what our own boundaries were financially and otherwise. So long as they weren't being bums (and none of them are freeloaders by any means), they could choose their own path. And boy, have they ever!

I wonder. Are you really a listener with your son? Or, perhaps, and I'm not criticizing, just noticing based on this thread, is there a bit too much "guidance" and perhaps his distance is the only way he sees that he can make his own decisions without judgment because your post calls him "secretive," "sneaky," etc. and describes a great many expectations from you that perhaps aren't really what he wants, or, he may want them, but with a lesser degree of involvement from you.

Interestingly, you talk about yourself as a "good daughter-in-law," trying to get your husband and his family to be closer. Again, that's your need and your expectation. Maybe that isn't what really needed to happen. By comparison, you've basically decided your son is not "good" (I'm not quoting you, but that seems to be your take-away here) because he isn't meeting your preconceived expectations of what a good son does. There just seems to be an element of you having particular ideas and expectations about how other people are supposed to behave. That tends to rub adult people the wrong way; they usually would rather figure life out for themselves. Particularly growing men. Even if it means they screw up once in awhile.

Moms and Dads sometimes just have to bite our tongues and butt out. My husband and I basically picked our battles and let our sons figure life out as much as possible. We've found they have appreciated the respectful space, and in turn, they know they can come to us when they need to and we won't judge. We may not always completely agree, but ultimately, they know their decisions are their own and so long as their handling life with decency, responsibility, and a sense of personal values (their own), we're pretty okay with that and they know that. We have three VERY different sons who have taken VERY different paths in life, but they are all decent people. They are hard-working, pretty content with their lives, of good character. They aren't perfect, but they are good people. What more can parents ask?

Give him some space, Mom. I suspect he'll "come back" when he feels its safe to do so because you've accepted his need and ability to make his own decisions, for right or wrong.

I don’t feel I need to go on the defensive to respond to this comment. Thank you for taking the time to write out a thoughtful response, though.

I’ve noticed, when I start a thread, I mostly get told I am the problem and everything I do is wrong. I thought this is supposed to be a supportive community? Why are my details being nit-picked and thrown in my face? Do I need to defend myself on my own thread and explain everything that I am being judged for?

That wasn't my intent. I was actually trying to be encouraging that there might be a different way to see this that could help things work out for you. I was offering a perspective that might be worth thinking about. We do our best, generally, as parents, and sometimes we can't always see the forest for the trees so to speak, and lord knows we are so emotionally involved that sometimes, let's face it, we aren't particularly objective about our kids.

Sorry if I offended. That wasn't my intent.

Sorry if I offended you TishaBuv. I'm currently away from my computer. I could write more ideas to help later if you like or dial it back to a hug or leave your thread be entirely if you prefer. Just let me know.

For what's it's worth, I don't think you are "the problem" or "wrong" or any such thing. You are a human struggling with some problems like me and all the other humans!!!

Peace to you and a big safe hug!

I’m not offended. There is something about the details I give and the opinions I have that I seem to get criticized for.

IMHO, I wasn’t too much of a hover parent. I do listen to my kids. Yes, I called him sneaky— he was sneaky! He could have deposited those checks into his account where I fed him money as needed. Had he told us about the job and the income, we would not have fed the account more money— hence he was sneaky. We only found out about it because the 1099 came to the house from his earnings. That’s when he confessed he had the job.

At least I didn’t bribe someone at the university to get him in like Lori Lachlan, lol. This kid got in on his own merit and he worked hard to get there. But then he didn’’t do the extra things the grad school wanted to see (not me), and he is doing all the things that made life easier for his fiancé, including taking on her student loans.

I am staying out of it and letting him sink or swim on his own.

I’ll just keep on as I have been doing, sending him a weekly text to say hello.

He seems happy with his relationship. I wish them all the best. What do I know, anyway? I’ve had a pretty unhappy marriage that hangs on by a thread.

I sometimes wonder what’s normal.

I talk to my daughter a lot and it’s equal back and forth (I’d say we have at least few texts every day and phone phone calls every few days and we are very busy people and have time zone difference )and I always thought that’s what others do too.

My daughter told me that’s actually unusual amount of communication. I was surprised. Actually my therapist said that many parents and adult kids talk only occasionally. I complained how far away she lives and my therapist says “well at least you two talk”, I asked what she meant and she said that others just don’t talk that much.

Now I think maybe what we do it in some kind of old country backwards ways talking that much? My husband talks to my stepdaughter but not extremely often, maybe weekly but she often doesn’t reply to texts. If my daughter didn’t reply to a text I’d think something bad happened. I’d freak out. He doesn’t freak out “oh she’ll reply when she has time”. He doesn’t fuss like I do.

My brother complains that my nephew doesn’t call them (married lives near by), but then my brother doesn’t call him either! My dad wouldn’t call or text us unless we do, he believes it’s our job. I don’t look at it this way. If I want to talk to my daughter, I call.

I know you said you text your son. Have you tried to call? Does he pick up?

Kids don’t answer calls, it goes right to voice mail! They only text. They’ll call if there is really a need for conversation. Believe it or not, I’ve had customers who only want to text. I think it’s a societal thing today.

It’s funny you mention your dad refusing to call and think it should be the other way around. My mother has this same attitude and uses it as manipulation. But there’s this show on Netflix we watched called Shtisel. On it, the grandmother (very old world) does call the children. I pointed this out to my mother to try to show her that she is not correct about this and she should reach out to my sons and call them (as she is angry that they never call her either). Of course, it would go to voice mail, but they would call her back.

When I went to college, my grandmother called me. We developed a close relationship of mutual calling. When I recently told my mother that grandma did call me, she refused to believe me.

I’m glad you are close with your daughter. It’s great to have a close, non toxic relationship!

My son used to tell me so much when he lived at home. I was the parent who got all the questions about sex. My husband did not get any discussions. The boys must have not felt that close to him, rather they did to me.

I absolutely love Shitzel. It’s like the best tv show.

I understand everyone is texting, I was kidding about old country, I am not backwards. Yes people text. But people I know also call or face time. I’d leave a message saying “call me back please”. My brother complains my nephew doesn’t call but when I call my nephew, he answers or call me back and we talk.

Does your son talk to his dad more? I called my mom a lot and she called me when she was still here but I barely called my dad. I do now because mom is gone.

I guess everyone is different. Does your son know how you feel?

He contacts my h when he needs something, and my h contacts him occasionally about funny stuff like articles or media. My h never had much hands-on concern with the kids. I was so much the primary parent that I suppose my h figured I had it all covered. My h’s aloofness toward me has been the basis of my issues with him. His aloofness extended to others as well. He’s been the breadwinner, he’s been here physically every day, but he’s been pretty vacant emotionally until really pushed. His parents were strangely like this too. While my mother is so completely opposite— it’s rather funny.

I don’t want to make any more waves with my son. I feel he resents me for my ‘crying fits’. The first time he was involved in one was last year, when I had a meltdown in the parking lot over a combination of things. Part of it was that he ignored an important thing I asked of him which was simply to call me before buying his fiancé the centers stone for her engagement ring. Now, looking back on that, I see it was part of a pervasive pattern of disrespect. His whole attitude toward me and my ‘emotionality’ has been unsympathetic and cold. I’m convinced the conversation about me between him and his fiancé is to criticize me. I feel she is driving the rift. It hurts that he did not love me enough to have simply had regard for me to begin with and then to remain feeling positive toward me should it be his fiancé is bashing me. I can’t imagine why he would feel angry and critical toward me when I never did anything to make him angry.

If she is a harmful person, he will eventually see it and protect himself, I hope. I just need to stand by and be a good mother to a grown son. I love him very much and I’m sure he knows that.