He hit me....

Someone asked about his redeeming qualities. It's not all bad 100%. And I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole situation. I feel guilty still like I pushed him to do it. Like I was acting crazy.

No one is all bad 100% of the time.

I'm in agreement with most others here. That was a shocking level of violence, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was only the tip of the iceberg. Even if this is as bad as he gets, it still far outweighs any positives.

I can see how you’d be very confused about how his personality changed so drastically. Do you think it was the alcohol that fueled him, and have you not seen him that drunk before?

No, there is nothing any woman could do to ‘push’ a man to be that violent and threatening. I pushed my h about as much as anyone could and he never laid a hand on me and never threatened to kill me. I would also think that no amount of alcohol would cause a man to do that unless that violence was already inside him.

You say you’ve been married one year? Is this a new side of him that you’ve seen?

I think you need to consider how much he consumes be it alcohol or drugs. When a person is constantly using drugs and self medicating they are not showing you their true selves. What this typically means instead is they are are participating in avoiding their own issues by self medicating. Just because a person can be "so much fun" doesn't mean you are experiencing the true whole person.

I've seen him drunk before quite a few times. And hes been mean drunk, but not violent. I definitely feel like he has an alcohol problem. I dont know if it was the alcohol mixed with the fact that he thought I was accusing him of cheating. I also wonder if he was using drugs and that made him violent. I'm not sure. We haven't talked yet. But when we do sit down to talk I'm telling him to tell me the truth about everything; the dating sites, drug use, no ********.

I've never been 100% sure about the drugs. I have my suspicions but haven't proven much except that he did cocaine about 4 years ago. And he told me hes done acid about 3 times since we've been together. I suspect it's more but I haven't been able to prove it. The alcohol has always been a problem. He has definitely used it to self medicate especially after his father died.

What are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to repair the relationship? Are you trying to understand him better in order to do that? Are you trying to determine whether or not the relationship can be repaired?

Because the answers you've gotten so far have been a resounding "no," and "it isn't worth it," and "RUN GIRL, RUN!" Yet, your reaction since then has been to downplay it. You've responded directly to someone asking about his virtues, and few others.

So, where's your stance right now?

He’ll likely say he’s sorry and promise to never do it again. Maybe you’ll both decide to not drink too much anymore.

But, can you really ever trust him again after this?:
“ that blew him up. He grabbed me again and pushed me into the bathroom door and grabbed my throat and told me he was going to kill me. He said no one could hear me. He pushed me onto the floor and I got mad and punched him in the stomach. So he punched me in the mouth. I dont exactly what happened next but I remember he had me by the throat again and I was trying to push him away and push his face and he bit me.”

So you blame yourself? You pushed him to threaten to kill you?

and how do you own up to your mistakes and poor judgement here as well

I don't want you to begin to feel uncomfortable in your own thread and begin self blaming either. I think it's important to explore why you have a need to protect him though. If you focus so much on his "fun loving side" you are failing to recognize the bigger picture and in all honesty this is often something someone does when they don't quite know how to allow themselves to see the bigger picture. Also, you could be dealing with an individual that is a binge alcoholic too and he has you living around HIS cycles and is willing to appologize and promise he will never do this again. Then you have that honeymoon period where he behaves until you end up dealing with another one of HIS episodes. What is concerning with this is how he did hit you and he did threaten to kill you. He has already proven he can act on his threats with you, that's bad for you and it doesn't matter what you did, there is simply no excuse for his getting not only verbally abusive with you but physically abusive as well. And these kind of abusers tend to profusely apologize and promise they will never do it again.

Your wanting the romance, love and times you had so much fun with him is not enough when it comes to his tendency to blow up at you this way.

It sounds like this is what you are doing "unknowingly" and other posters are genuinely concerned for you because some of them hung on with a hope and finally realized they had to walk away.
What is Trauma Bonding?

i am concerned because of the illegal behavior by both sides that put innocent bystanders at risk and then his behavior which put the poster at risk. don't speak for others. they are fortunate their combined behavior did not harm or kill others at first.

That’s what I said in my very first post too! Drunk driving is illegal and it kills people. I know people killed by drunk drivers. Also not every person with excessive alcohol consumption drives drunk, and abuses or threatens others. Drunk driving is a crime. If they want to beat each other up and live in abusive marriage and get drunk it’s their choice. But they have no rights to endanger others by driving drunk. It’s criminal

I agree!
It's terrible for everyone! Think about it

I am concerned that the OP is not posting anymore and hope she did not get frightened away.

Is any of this supportive?

I suppose we won't know if/until she comes back. It could be for reasons entirely unrelated.

What are you suggesting? That we discuss better strategies for how to support people so we don't scare off future posters?

This is anonymous forum Hopefully she is just busy. Her last activity was on 06/25. And there were death threats against her and if they drive intoxicated it’s quite mortifying that maybe the reason she isn’t posting is very tragic.

Or maybe they made up and keep on doing whatever is that they are doing and she’d rather not share. Who knows. I once didn’t post for awhile and I received concerned PMs but there was no big reason why I wasn’t logging in. It’s a choice

I sure wouldn’t come back, if I was getting criticized for drunk driving when that wasn’t even the issue that the OP asked for help for.

That was my point. The bigger issue is her life was threatened and he hit her. I am guessing it must be very confusing and painful for the OP given it's never happened before.

You’ve been talking about victim blaming on another thread, Eve. While, yes, sometimes the victim has done some things wrong too, when trying to help them, is it a good idea to harshly rub their noses in it?

poster included the info in her original post...poor judgements were made by both parties. you can't just blame the boyfriend for poor actions. alcohol played into the bad calls. they drove drunk and that put others at risk..innocents. she was supposed to be the designated driver and she drank. she stated he was very intoxicated. all of this played into the incident. placing false blame? criticizing the poster..yes, but she was wrong too, and she posted the info. this was a bad situation. boyfriend needed jail time to cool off...and then both need to think and get their heads on straight. I feel for her, he is abusive...but she needs to take charge of her role in this incident as well.

what if you were driving on the same road as these two that night and you encountered them? driving while intoxicated is not something that should just be smoothed over. especially when she LET him drive knowing he drank too much and she as the safe driver was drunk. thank god they didn't hit anyone,

I haven’t done that.

I honestly don't think that was it. If I had to make a wild guess - and note here that the OP could've stopped posting for any number of reasons completely unrelated to PC - I'd say she felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of comments urging her to leave. Sure, the comments about drunk driving probably didn't help, but most of her responses past the first post were attempts to downplay her husband's behavior and highlight his good sides. I don't think she saw herself as a victim, and I don't think she felt comfortable with anyone's suggestions that she was.

Again, only a shot in the dark. OP, if you're still reading and want to jump back in, just let us know what you need.

All true, sure. But it isn't like anyone can change that now. The best we can do is encourage people not to commit the same mistakes over again, but we have to convince them, and that isn't going to work if we overwhelm them.

It's a delicate process. A bit like surgery, it requires the proper tools. If you go in with a sledge hammer, you're going to kill the patient.

I agree theoretical, what stood out to me is her needing to downplay his behavior that was clearly dangerous and talk about how good he CAN be and that it's probably her own fault that caused him to react the way he did. The other concern I had was how he was using drugs and alcohol. Often a person does that to avoid feeling their own insecurities and pain. This is something HE needs to address and as long as she continues to allow him to engage in practicing drug use, she will face these episodes where he can suddenly lash out at her. It's extremely concerning at this point because he did hit her and choked her and threatened her life.

When someone is in LOVE they can be blinded by that and FAIL to see that reality that they NEED to see so they don't end up getting badly hurt. It actually CAN BE a bit like surgery when it comes to gradually helping someone see a reality they simply don't want to see. A person can end up running away or they can literally blow up at you in anger because of how badly they need to protect their illusion.