[justbreathe1994]

This is not directly related to psychotherapy, but it does touch on family therapy so I really hope it’s okay that I’m posting here. I’m really triggered right now and normally I’d call my DBT therapist but I don’t want to ask for a coaching call and get rejected since she’s less available for that now.

I’m really struggling with talking to my mom. I just called her a few minutes ago because I got triggered by something she said in a convo we had earlier today. Basically, I’m really hoping to get my best friend’s job as she’s moving and is looking for a replacement. It would be a major step up for me while still finishing my schooling. My mom knows how much I want this job. Basically I told my mom in the convo that my best friend was going to be in the interview along with her colleague. My mom asked if my best friend could coach me on what to say. (My reply was something like of course not! That would be pretty unfair/unethical!) She understood that part and then she asked with kind of a concerned/anxious tone, “Well, how many other applicants are there going to be?!”

I got triggered by the anxiety she had FOR ME because it felt like she didn’t have much faith in me. I also felt like she has contributed to my spiraling in my own anxiety about whether I’m really worth it for the job without the major advantage of my best friend working there.

My mom got super upset by this and now I don’t know if I’m just being oversensitive. This is a constant issue between us, where she feels like she has to walk on eggshells so as to not trigger me and I feel invalidated and oversensitive. I copied and pasted what I texted her. I’d really appreciate support. Maybe I just need to grow thicker skin or something. Would me being triggered irritate/overwhelm most people? Are these texts disrespectful? I’d really

Texts to mom:

I feel like I’m trying very hard to stay emotionally regulated when telling you that I’m triggered and I don’t feel like you see that. I get really hurt that you feel like you can’t say anything without triggering me, because that’s just not true. That is a very extreme statement and it invalidates the work I’m doing on practicing my skills and my communication. It feels like when you come to the family sessions, you have all the awareness of what triggers me (which is totally valid and that is not just my opinion), but then the moment comes around and you either get upset with me for bringing it up to you calmly or you don’t want to talk about. The family sessions and our conversations feel like a rollercoaster because I don’t feel like you are applying what you have learned. I’m trying very hard to communicate and feel supported by you, while also being concerned how it comes across for you. I was really hoping you’d take in what I had to say without getting defensive.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being triggered, as any therapist would say. It matters how I express that to you. I really don’t feel like I express a lot anyway as I know that does overwhelm you but I’d like to have a connection with you and this is how I need to go about doing that. It really hurts my feelings that you get upset whenever I express my frustration or hurt feelings. It feels like you don’t care and that you are more concerned with how pleasant it is to talk to me rather than how I’m actually feeling or how your words impact me.

Last text - If you don’t feel like you can validate my feelings and show genuine concern for my side, I’m setting a boundary that we will not talk about this until we schedule another family session because I cannot handle that on my own without other kinds of support and objectivity.

Again I hope it’s okay that I’m posting this here. I’m just feeling really torn and don’t know what to feel right now. Normally my therapist would validate me since when I get like this, I dismiss my own experience. However, I honestly want to know if I’m being too sensitive and if I should learn to brush things off with my mom - this is such a common thing and my Ts believe it may have contributed to my BPD struggles, especially since a lot of her invalidation was around the feelings I have being someone with a physical disability. She would tell me all the time to just smile and wave at people making fun of me to turn a negative situation into a positive one, so maybe I’m just hyper aware now whenever I don’t feel validated by her - now that I know how refreshing validation actually feels like.

[susannahsays]

I don't really think it's your mother's job to validate your feelings and avoid triggering you by not asking a basic question such as the one described.

I'm not saying your mom is a good mother or anything. I have no idea. Just doesn't make sense to me to expect other people to manage one's feelings. It also sounds like you want your mother to validate your experience and feelings, but you aren't willing to offer her the same in return. Maybe communication should be kept to family therapy until you've both done more work there.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't really think it's your mother's job to validate your feelings and avoid triggering you by not asking a basic question such as the one described.

I'm not saying your mom is a good mother or anything. I have no idea. Just doesn't make sense to me to expect other people to manage one's feelings. It also sounds like you want your mother to validate your experience and feelings, but you aren't willing to offer her the same in return. Maybe communication should be kept to family therapy until you've both done more work there.

Thank you for telling me your thoughts. I wanted honest feedback, so I appreciate it. I feel a pretty bad about my texts now. I think I’m struggling with what you said about it not being my mothers job to validate my feelings. I understand my mom is not a therapist and I should be able to talk to her about anything, but as I mentioned in my post, ongoing invalidation by her has been very difficult for me and my overall ability to trust and emotionally attach to her. However, I also don’t want to go to the other extreme of expecting too much from her.

[susannahsays]

The way I see it, the best way to deal with ongoing invalidation from somebody is to stop seeking validation from them - rather than to try to get them to change. I know that's easier said than done. Yet if you can find a way to value your own feelings without having them validated, you have the power. Not the other person. Maybe your mom will progress and be able to meet some of your needs at some point, and maybe she won't. I just wouldn't let what she does hold you back since you have no control over her. Since you're an adult, you don't have to engage with her if you don't want to. Put yourself first.

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't really think it's your mother's job to validate your feelings and avoid triggering you by not asking a basic question such as the one described.

I'm not saying your mom is a good mother or anything. I have no idea. Just doesn't make sense to me to expect other people to manage one's feelings. It also sounds like you want your mother to validate your experience and feelings, but you aren't willing to offer her the same in return. Maybe communication should be kept to family therapy until you've both done more work there.

I totally agree with this.

I think one of the difficulties of being in therapy for many years is habituation to communication patterns with therapists and carrying those expectations outside of therapy. I think the text with your mom sounds just like the type of communication one would have with their therapist - totally appropriate in a one-sided, unattached, analytical sense with someone trying to help us work through feelings. Not so much in adult relationships that are two-way.

I struggled with this myself. I found the unconditional positive regard from my therapist (and focus on just me) intoxicating and projected that expectation on my ‘everyday life’ people. Which left me alienated but more importantly feeling like others were inadequate and insensitive to my feelings.

I think it’s great that you’re asking for feedback and hope you can continue to work through things with your mom. Similarly, not trying to imply your mom is/was a good mom but giving her a little room for imperfect responses will improve your relationship greatly. I also agree that as an adult, we can choose who we want to be around. If someone invalidates my feelings or makes me feel bad about myself, I avoid them. Family member or not.

[TishaBuv]

What would you have wanted your mom to say ideally?

“My mom asked if my best friend could coach me on what to say. (My reply was something like of course not! That would be pretty unfair/unethical!) She understood that part and then she asked with kind of a concerned/anxious tone, “Well, how many other applicants are there going to be?!”

^I might have said the same thing if I were the mom. Is it unfair/unethical for your friend to give you pointers? I’d say to use every advantage you can. It’s a competitive world!

[divine1966]

I think it’s perfectly fine question re how many applicants are there. I don’t see anything bad in there. Asking if a friend can give you pointers isn’t a big deal either. She didn’t say: I don’t think you’ll get this job or something like that. I don’t know your relationship with your mother but it sounds like she just says “mom” things.

I don’t know if she invalidates you in other occasions but I don’t see where she invalidated you in this conversation. Just a normal talk imho.

Now sometimes we get triggered by the random things and random things could get us anxious or upset. I’d say it’s normal. But it’s also not other people’s job to make sure we don’t get triggered or upset (unless we talk about repeatedly bringing up some seriously triggering topics after asked not to ).

If it becomes everyone else’s responsibility to manage how we feel then they have to walk on eggshells around us all the time thinking about what to say as not to upset you. You can’t expect that from people.

[Rive.]

I can't see that your mom did anything wrong. She seemed concerned about the job because she knew you really wanted it. This is not an atypical parental response: how many candidates are there, have you prepared X, have you done Y, are you ready for... etc.

She may not have given you the response you expected but she seemed to show caring towards you (which she expressed in her own way) & that you get what you wanted.

she is your mom. she did what a mom would do. like it or not they are hard wired to think that way (at least most of them are) maybe her response wasn't what you wanted but she gave it her best. so the issue then is it on you, or her? who is really at fault?

I would say cut mom some slack.

[hvert]

The literal words she said do not seem unusual or meant to provoke anxiety BUT we do not have your full history with your mother when we read them and we do not know her tone or intent. My mother can say something that seems innocuous to others but has a different meaning to me because she's used it as a weapon against me in the past. If your mother has a history of not having confidence in you, it's absolutely normal to get upset when she AGAIN starts saying things that indicate she doesn't trust your competency or like she is preparing you for a let down.

And I do think it is a problem that she gets upset with you when you share your emotions, especially if this is something you have been working on during your shared sessions. Limiting conversational exposure until the next session sounds reasonable to me. This is a bad communication pattern for both of you. Figuring out how to minimize the amount of triggering she does would be immensely helpful. Maybe that's increased skills or thicker skin, maybe it's just less contact with her overall, or some other thing entirely. I hope you feel better.