[MatBell]

I hope some of you can relate somehow. I don't talk to my dad often, but every time I do I have this strange feeling after hanging up. Feelings of sorrow, feeling sorry for him, feeling like I'm a letdown to him etc.

We have had a rocky relationship, I lived with him throughout my teenage years and the last couple of years have been dramatic too because of my own personal problems going through some depressive episodes.

I wish I had more things to tell him. That I could be more up beat, have more positive news for him, or just any news. I feel like I'm a bit of a disappointment to him. I'm sure he wouldn't say that but that's still how I feel.

I don't like talking on the phone anyway. I don't think I come across in a good way. I'm much better with people in person.

Any of you had this? You can talk to them alright, and you're not mad at each other (anymore), but when you hang up there's a lingering feeling of... well, a lot of things. sadness, regret, letting him down, being a failure, "what could have been" and so on...

Maybe part of the answer to my sadness is our lack of real communication. We don't really know each other. We can talk about superficial things but don't get any deeper than that. We have a lot of history, things never talked through, swept under the carpet and never talked about again...


Anyway, I hope some of this makes sense.

[Skeezyks]

Both my father, as well as my mother, have been gone now for many years. But my father & I never really talked about anything beyond the superficial. (Back in my day I doubt most fathers actually talked to their children.) We lived in different states once I was grown up. And there was no internet of any consequence, let alone smart phones. So the telephone was the only communications option.

I never enjoyed talking on the phone to my father (or my mother either for that matter.) It was just one of those things one feels like one has to do. I'm not even sure why I disliked talking to him. I just didn't. I guess, to be honest, I didn't particularly like him. And I'm quite certain he didn't like me, didn't understand me, & was disappointed in who I had turned out to be. (At least we had one thing we could agree on.) Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different if we could have had a real relationship. But we didn't. And that's that. It's too late to do anything about any of it now.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Both my father, as well as my mother, have been gone now for many years. But my father & I never really talked about anything beyond the superficial. (Back in my day I doubt most fathers actually talked to their children.) We lived in different states once I was grown up. And there was no internet of any consequence, let alone smart phones. So the telephone was the only communications option.


I never enjoyed talking on the phone to my father (or my mother either for that matter.) It was just one of those things one feels like one has to do. I'm not even sure why I disliked talking to him. I just didn't. I guess, to be honest, I didn't particularly like him. And I'm quite certain he didn't like me, didn't understand me, & was disappointed in who I had turned out to be. (At least we had one thing we could agree on.) Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different if we could have had a real relationship. But we didn't. And that's that. It's too late to do anything about any of it now.

Sorry to hear that. I think that is actually quite normal in the older generations. You didn’t really “talk” to your kids the way it’s expected now.

I don’t think he is really disappointed in me, he just wants what’s best for me and he knows I’ve had a lot of trouble. I’m just trying the best I can, just like he did in his life.

Maybe he feels some guilt over all the difficulty I’ve been through since I was young. I lived alone with him for many years.
And that thought alone makes me sad...

[Calypso46]

MatBell, it sounds like you know why you are having strange feelings after you hang up with your father. From what you have described, it seems like you tiptoe around the elephant in the room: the feeling of being a disappointment and sorrow. I wouldn't be surprised if the feelings that emerge after your conversations with him continue if you don't address with him "the past history swept under the rug" or the feelings caused by that history.

I don't have a relationship with my father. At one point I did try to reach out to him and discuss the past. I wrote down what I wanted to say to him about that history and its impact on me, including the emotional baggage it created. It seemed to help me collect my thoughts and deeply reflect what was bothering me. I hope you and your father find peace. Best of luck and you aren't alone.

[Mopey]

You know, Mat, your post makes me sad that someone can't wave a wand and magically cause you and your father to sit down together and honestly talk this stuff out. It sounds as if there might be some real affection there, but it's been obscured by years and years of sad events and lack of communication. I do think if someone really loves you you can feel it, and that the contrary is true as well. I don't know if you've ever tried to discuss any of this stuff with him? Can be tough after so many years of distance, but if both people have an interest, maybe you could make some headway. Proceeding cautiously of course...

From my own experience, I spent my life trying to please my mother, twisting this way and that to maybe become something she might like, only to realize at the end that she really wasn't interested in a relationship. I kept trying, though, and every now and then I'd think maybe I was making progress, only to have my hopes dashed the next time.

It's hard. I've come to believe that a parent's love can make a TREMENDOUS difference in how a child feels about him/herself, and when it's lacking, you're kind of constantly wondering, constantly searching, for something you just can't find. (((((( HUGS ))))))

Your post really resonated with me, MatBell. In fact, I haven't called my dad in years (like... a decade) because I feel like either I don't have any good news and/or that I just don't quite live up to.... something. (His other children pretty well followed the book of "supposed tos"). We were estranged from about 4 till I was 40 thanks to my controlling and lying mother, then, you know, it just sort of becomes the status quo, you get busy, go day to day and it never crosses your mind. We did reunite for a few years and it went well. We didn't discuss anything deep either, but we're talking generations that really didn't anyway. (Almost needless to say I don't speak with my mother. I debate from time to time giving her a piece of my mind, but she's never accepted responsibility for anything she's done, so it'd likely be pointless.) Wow, that sounds so sad, but actually to me "it is what it is".

But nevermind me, I hope you can find a way to feel better about the situation. Maybe try to ease into something a little deeper, but not too deep to start. See how it goes. I wish you the very best.

P.s. I like your new avatar.

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by Calypso46

I don't have a relationship with my father. At one point I did try to reach out to him and discuss the past. I wrote down what I wanted to say to him about that history and its impact on me, including the emotional baggage it created. It seemed to help me collect my thoughts and deeply reflect what was bothering me

Calypso, if I may ask, did you actually send your letter to your father? Or did you simply compose it and keep it to yourself?

[WishfulThinker66]

I have a hard time socialising over the phone with pretty much anybody. The phone for me is more of a business tool than social. I have what you might call a phone anxiety. With some people this is significantly worse than with others.

How close are you to your father's residence? If you are say within an hour's drive is it possible to do your conversing with him in person? The phonecalls between my father and I are totally useless. Instead I will make a 2 1/2hr drive to see him and others every 3 or 4 weeks.

[Calypso46]

Hi Mopey,

I did not send the letter to my father. I used it when I spoke to him. They were sort of like speaking notes. I hope this helps!

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by Calypso46

Hi Mopey,

I did not send the letter to my father. I used it when I spoke to him. They were sort of like speaking notes. I hope this helps!

Yes, Calypso, thank you. Truly I was not trying to pry, I just wondered what you had decided to do.

I was in a situation myself where I composed such a letter and actually sent it, and I'm still not sure whether that was the best decision or not. A therapist I saw about the situation said that she often recommended that her clients struggling with this type of thing write the letter, then bring it to her, and they would decide together whether to send it or not. I'm not sure whether I made the right decision or not, I go back and forth. I hope what you did proved to be at least somewhat satisfactory to you. No getting to these people, sometimes...

And all of us, of course, trying to help MatBell in his/her painful situation.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Your post really resonated with me, MatBell. In fact, I haven't called my dad in years (like... a decade) because I feel like either I don't have any good news and/or that I just don't quite live up to.... something. (His other children pretty well followed the book of "supposed tos"). We were estranged from about 4 till I was 40 thanks to my controlling and lying mother, then, you know, it just sort of becomes the status quo, you get busy, go day to day and it never crosses your mind. We did reunite for a few years and it went well. We didn't discuss anything deep either, but we're talking generations that really didn't anyway. (Almost needless to say I don't speak with my mother. I debate from time to time giving her a piece of my mind, but she's never accepted responsibility for anything she's done, so it'd likely be pointless.) Wow, that sounds so sad, but actually to me "it is what it is".


But nevermind me, I hope you can find a way to feel better about the situation. Maybe try to ease into something a little deeper, but not too deep to start. See how it goes. I wish you the very best.


P.s. I like your new avatar.

I can relate to feeling that you don’t live up to “something”. I feel like that too.
Yes I haven’t talked to my mom for about a year. She had a pill abuse problem for many years.

I think it’s so hard with my dad because I don’t really have anyone else to confide in.

For a while I’ve been mostly doing okay because of a job, but now that’s over. I’m afraid of just being by myself all day, not having a routine. It’s not good for me.

Can you get a new job? Routine is really good for me too. And working keeps me from being in my head too much, which helps too. I recently changed job and I really like it. People have commented how it's improved my ... attitude I guess? That I'm happier. Anyway, otherwise I'm terrible about routine. I hear you.