[Michael2Wolves]

Great title, right? Haha, and yeah, I know, I know, "normal" is relative. I'm pretty sure, though, there are a few standard benchmarks to a successful life, and one of them is marriage because it forces you to be a better person. Seriously.

--> Don't have kids out of wedlock
--> Finish High School
--> Keep your job
--> Get married

Studies have shown those four things guarantee prosperity. I just have to wait for it to show up, right? Two for sure I don't have to worry about.

Only, I have no desire anymore to date or pursue anyone because of how badly I've burned myself in the past four or five years. My last gf was literally the last; this wasn't some academic choice made in the silence of my mind. This is just something I feel with absolute and unwavering certainty. And the idea of going through life alone is really rather a boring, rage-inducing thought. Why? Because that was the best I could offer and it still wasn't enough, and I'm very realistic enough in my self-appraisal, so don't try blowing smoke my way.

So, we get what we have today, and pretty much every day. I sit at work doing very complicated engravings that require precision and attention, and I just autopilot go far away, usually thinking about my exes. Jobs get done in a blur, I go home and go to bed, play fallout 4 for an hour or two, and sleep. Wake up, rinse repeat.

Now, to be fair, I am a felon, and not a very good one, so there's that (never mind this happened 22 years ago, but I digress), and there's the fact that I really don't care to go hang out at bars or down by the lake by myself (and that's really all there is to do here), and I hate crowds. I don't like being jostled, and I start to get panicky if in the middle of pressing crowds (GenCon was tense, to say the least, with 50,000 people swarming around). So I pretty much stay at home and watch life pass by through the window of my internet.

I even had my own government prevent me from marrying someone in the Philippines. How's that for virtual imprisonment?

I see all the flaws and the problems, both with myself and my distorted thinking, but I have no inclination nor reason to change, and I'm fully aware how this will most likely end because the statistics for single men are not good, especially for those with a family history of mental health problems. Worse, I'm very particular about what I look for in women, and yeah, I'll admit to being shallow to a certain degree because there has to be some form of physical attraction, and if there's not, it's really not going to work out.

I just keep finding all the right women in all the wrong circumstances, story of my life.

So I'm looking forward to the future with a gallows' humor because I know how this ends.

I guess I'm not really looking for help with this because I just...dgaf. I can't bring myself to care because I know if something happens to my mother, I'm stuck in a job that will not be able to support the house (so I'll be homeless) and I am all but disenfranchised, so I really can't (and won't) turn to the government for help because I owe them (allegedly) $5,000 I am never going to pay on the principle of what they are from, and I hate the idea of taking handouts, especially those that smack of socialism.

All of these facts that clearly define my limits just continue to circle in my head, because really, there's nothing else for my mind to focus on that will be helpful. People don't believe me when I tell them just how stuck I am, and then once they fully understand the situation, they'll offer empty pity and expressions of hope.

Best of all, my job is going the way of the dinosaur, and I don't have enough money to go to school and there are no grants or scholarships I can apply for (I've looked), plus there's the 9-5 hours which preclude me from doing anything except night school which I'd sleep through because I'm mentally exhausted at the end of the day from having to deal with moronic customers I'm barely keeping from telling just how stupid they are.

Yeah, yeah...I hear it, too... tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick

When it finally goes, it's going to be absolutely spectacular.

I can't afford a psychologist because I make too much for government handouts (which I won't take anyway) and too little to afford the help I need. Hospitals are absolutely verbotten because I'll be *******ed before I give anyone any ability to hold me somewhere I don't want to be ever again. Wanna see me go full PTSD and black out? Try to arrest me or put cuffs or a straight jacket on me. It won't end well, and someone will get hurt.

I think this post is more to be able to say down the road, "I told you so," when **** continues going sideways. Now, I don't focus on it 24/7, and I have moments where I'm not constantly thinking about dying, the quality of death, and all the wonderfully unwanted thoughts associated with it.

I'm just tired, I guess, and now that this forum no longer has a workable chat (for me, anyway--I'm not logging in twice because that is way too much metadata being forked over for having to log into the same site twice), I have zero mental health support. I have "friends" I can see on the weekend (when they remember to invite me over; seriously, not going to message them first because if they can't be bothered to remember me, wtf kind of friend are they?) and loads of digital friends, and yet, I feel no connection to anyone anymore, and only increasing amounts of estrangement as I recognize the world less and less. It's like LSD--everything is becoming subtly "fake" like my life is happening on a massive sound stage, and everything is like a set. The more I examine the motives of people around me, the less I am inclined to reach out to anyone. Hatred comes very easily and very quickly to me, with a vindictive twist for added flavor. This nature of myself makes me want to interact even less because it's not something I'm proud of or want to reveal to anyone.

The more I think about it, the more pissed I get, and I still have to work, so I think I'll wrap it up so I'm not on the edge of cussing out customers for no reason at all. Thanks for letting me rant; I'd say maybe this is all I needed, but I know myself well enough to know that that particular well of poison is bottomless. Move it or delete or whatever if it's not in the right forum.

[divine1966]

I don’t understand how being married or not having kids out of wedlock guarantees prosperity.

Ton of people are married and do not have kids out of wedlock yet they barely make ends meet and are perpetually miserable and are as far from prosperity as one can be.

I’d say if you want to achieve prosperity, focus on education, and steady career with full time gainful employment (not sporadic or seasonal or inconsistent employment but steady and permanent and providing livable wages). You can take a loan to get education, you can do it online, you can do it slowly one class a semester, you can do trade school rather than college etc

Why do you need to marry in the Philippines? And if you do want to, why can’t you?

not married & no kids & yet I consider myself fairly successful. might want to reconsider your standards for success. just saying.

[Michael2Wolves]

“Young people can virtually assure that they and their families will avoid poverty if they follow three elementary rules for success – complete at least a high school education, work full time, and wait until age 21 and get married before having a baby. Based on an analysis of Census data, people who followed all three of these rules had only a 2 percent chance of being in poverty and a 72 percent chance of joining the middle class (defined as above $55,000 in 2010.” --Ron Haskins, Brookings Institution.

Except if you're a felon. Suicide rates are 8 times higher than the national average for males released from prison. I can't imagine why...and as for an education, that was already pointed out is an impossibility at this juncture, and for the foreseeable future. I know the walls of my prison intimately; I know every line of logic to try to escape the situation I find myself in, and I must conclude that the only way to "win" is to not play at all. If I must lose, I plan on losing spectacularly, with as much spite as I can muster because...*shrugs* Who cares? I'm not really a loss to society.

It is the quality of purpose that is lacking. Marriage as an institute is designed to give human beings a higher purpose: caring about someone other than self, and attempting to build each other up in all ways. To be completely independent is to be utterly alone; to be forced into such exile is to have all purpose removed and to become obsolete. I have no desire to simply engage myself in life because all I have done in my life is isolate and turn inward, and honestly, the company I thus keep is really getting boring and irritating to the point of wanting to divest myself of my life by any means necessary.

Not being married and not having kids means nothing; I have lost the drive to even bother anymore because all I do is obsess over the past. Why? Because nothing in my future shows promise of anything other than more of the same. The mere hope of normalcy is missing because I've long ago crossed the point of no return.

Also, I can't physically get to the Philippines because the last time I tried, I was turned around at customs, and I no longer have $3000 to throw away on another 48 hour flight to nowhere. Yeah, I've got a passport, but I might as well not for all the good it does me.

It's much worse than I've described. I can't bring myself to even want to pursue anyone anymore because I obsess over my exes and I'm haunted by their memories. Almost always recalled in such a way where I focus only on their good because in every instance, I can easily point at myself, and usually do so when I am pissed off enough to take that rage out on myself. It is always my fault. No, really. It usually is, 99% of the time. That's why I can't stand being in the same body with me.

There is also the fact that I am socially retarded because I missed out on formative years that people normally grow and learn to be around others. I was stuck from my own stupidity.

See, the more I point all this out, the more I just want to go Thelma & Louise and drive myself off a cliff somewhere. That self-loathing pulses with a black energy, and it's taking on a life of its own. It's harder and harder to control self-destructive impulses because I think to myself, who cares? I have no one or nothing left to live for other than myself, and I stridently reject such hedonism. I don't want it anymore. Only, it's too late. There's no coming back. It's like Jacob Marley and his chains he's forced to drag with him for all eternity. I obsess with achieving a sense of baseline normality, knowing I will never reach it, and there is no hope for doing so.

That is why I find that quote from the Green Mile so apropos: "We each owe a death, there are no exceptions, but oh, God, sometimes that Green Mile is so long."

Well, thanks for listening...

went to college, got a degree, rose to success in the government in a federal agency, since on disability have written a novel, started my own business, etc..I consider myself successful. single. no children. never married. don't tie yourself down to some stupid base plan that you figured out on census data. success is what you determine it is. not what millions of pieces of data shows.

and why the Philippines?
as for being denied access due to felony charges, chances are if you did your research prior to leaving you would have known that prior & saved yourself some cash. old felony charges don't disappear.

find something that brings you a sense of relief. anything. start doing it. once you start to find some sense of peace, or relief, things might lighten up and who knows...you might just find yourself at ease somewhat. that might just lead you to meet people. try walking..get some exercise..being outside moving is known to increase feeling better...you said you feel miserable, so fix it. because it sounds like you don't enjoy that.

my advice is do something. anything, but do something. start small, but do something, once you are dead, you are dead. no second chances..life's to short to waste on being miserable. can't go to the phillipines, try finding a phillipino woman near you. there are choices you can do...

make some choices...start. it beats the alternative

[Michael2Wolves]

There are no alternatives. That is the only "point" that remains in my life. Doesn't matter if I go walk around. Yeah, I'll feel better, temporarily. But that doesn't change the exigent circumstances I am in, and that reality is unyielding. There is no peace because no matter where I go I am still stuck with this life.

It was never about the Philippines, it was about her. It was about the fact that all of society is nothing but hypocrites because I paid my dues. I owe the state nothing. I owe the public nothing. And yet, everyone is somehow allowed to operate under the mistaken impression that they are allowed to demand anything from me simply because of my past. Anyone who thinks that way can piss off as far as I'm concerned. It is my inalienable right to travel without government interference; it is my inalienable right to marry whomever I choose. It is my inalienable right to be free of intrusive search and seizure without cause.

I came very close to expressing my frustration with DHS in their HQ to make sure I left a stain on their lobby floor.

Sometimes, there are no second chances in life, either. I think it's only the fact that I am obsessive about achieving normalcy and mediocrity that keeps me from considering more permanent solutions, and that's not really a stable support system, is it? At least, it's not a solution I care to accept.

[MickeyCheeky]

Just wanted to tell you I am SO SORRY for what you're going through! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! I wish I could give you some GOOD Advice. I feel like getting some professional help may be the way to go. Is there ANY therapist that you can afford near you? Anyone at all? You've probably already looked around but please give it a try if you haven't. Have you considered Online Therapy? May that be an option for you? Please start from there if you wish to do so! See ANY help that you can get. Rach out to ANYONE who may be able to help you. Your Life isn't over. I think you have EVERY RIGHT to live a GOOD Life but you need to get better first! I hope you'll be able to get the help you NEED and DESERVE! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need Advice And Support! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY HELP YOU IF YOU JUST ASK FOR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Michael2Wolves, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do kep fighting and please do keep rocking AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN like you're already WISELY AND WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND PLEASE DO KEEP ROCKING!

if things are so abysmal then why are you writing here? if you are asking for support (which is what I guess you are doing by using a self help forum) you must believe there is a chance for help. doesn't that contradict your whole "I don't give a damn because life sucks" attitude?

everybody has had crap happen to them. everyone. trust me.
you are stuck with your past because well, it is indeed your past. you made some critical mistakes. yea, now you live with them. but they are not the end of it all. plenty have been in your place and have been able to move on. making subtle comments about violence or suicide aren't really the way to go...you have such passion for the wrong ways and treatment ...too bad you can't shift that outlook just a little.

and why not use something temporary like a walk for even just a small positive change? what harm would that do? change. can't fix the total picture without starting on a small spot. life will suck as long as you decide it will...make the change...

[Michael2Wolves]

Thanks, Mickey. There is room for arguing that some are indeed deserving of their suffering. Or at least, I feel I am in such a position as to not be able to complain about it without being called a hypocrite, so I've learned to rub my own face in it as much as possible. No, I cannot afford therapy, and can barely afford to pay my bills. lol Online therapy is not something I care to do simply because of my (seemingly) justified paranoia about government intrusiveness, and Google's social engineering programs they deny exist. My therapy consists of slowly bleeding out the poison through the medium of pen and ink. I seem to recall having written a poem about that very thing. I work, I come home, I go to the Commonwealth circa 2287 AD via my computer, and then I go to bed. Rinse, repeat. Every time I try to get these people in my life who call themselves friends to come over and hang out, there is always an excuse. Remember Field of Dreams, if you build it they will come? lmao Mine would be, Don't bother building it, they won't come.

I loathe the life I am forced to live, and I hate myself with an abiding passion for putting myself in this position, which is why I have no problem doing damage to myself every time I find some new way I have ****ed up again.

Here would be the cycle for those who can't see it:

----> Isolation ----> Rumination ----> Anger/Resentment ----> Obsessive thinking ----> Rage ----> Self Harm/Acting Out ----> Alienation from peers ----> Isolation...

That's just the broader one, and I'm sure we can spend all day breaking this down further into more and more cycles. Oh, yeah. They brainwashed me good in there. I know all the terms. Pretty sure it's a form of Stockholm syndrome, now that I think about it plainly. Haha, doing their dirty work for them.

Family consists of a mother, an uncle who lives 1,000 miles away, and estranged cousins. The problem is, I have no desire to live such a life, and a relationship, from a cold, clinical point of view, would have given me a support system that I could "grow," and have become to rigid and brittle to be flexible enough to keep trying. I don't have the resilience or endurance for it anymore, and that leaves only one option which I detest considering. Too neurotic for a relationship anyway.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you're being too hard on yourself, Michael. After all, you've done NOTHING wrong to deserve this "punishment". Nevertheless, I am SO SORRY that you feel this way. Hit me up if you need someone to talk to. I won't judge you. I PROMISE YOU THAT! I hope things will start improving soon for you! Definitely start to take some little steps at least like resurgam has already wisely and wonderfully said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! I hope you'll reconsider trying Online Therapy as well but the decision is yours. I don't want to pressure you in ANY direction! Nevertheless, please take WONDERFUL care of yourself. I think you deserve it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that. It seems like you don't, however! I am so sorry! Please write to me if you wish to do so! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY AND WONDERFULLY HELP YOU OUT AS WELL! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Michael2Wolves, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

[Michael2Wolves]

Part of the problem, I think, is that I am absolutely sure that I am one of those who doesn't deserve anything but scorn, especially from myself. I don't allow myself to rest because I am certain beyond all doubt that if I were to meet myself on the street without knowing who it is, I'd avoid that person like the plague. Yeah, things may improve in the short-term, but things are on the downward slope over the long term. I cannot reconcile myself to the life that I have found myself in through bad choices and bad luck, and therein is the beating heart of darkness.

When I think about something pleasant--seeing a pretty woman, for instance, the obsessive thought that always comes back is that I am really not relationship material, and worse, I feel it to be true on every level because of how far I've strayed from that median of normalcy. I am the prodigal son who can never return because the "home" has moved on, if that makes sense. I feel the certitude of truth in this whether I want to or not.

And the fact is, no woman is going to want to go out with someone who is this unstable and "needy" in terms of having to be watched and monitored to keep from self-harm, obsessive thoughts, et cetera. Women want a man. I am a broken boy inside the shell of a man, watching as the darkness approaches and not able to do a damned thing about it. I can barely keep myself held together; adding the emotional volatility of a relationship in which I am going to assign too much value is asking for a lot of trouble. Again. So instead, I have to content myself with watching the world pass by because I also have these wonderful borderline tendencies where things are very much black and white. This results in the ridiculous situation lacking only the friend to say, "You want a perfect woman, and she doesn't exist!" This is true only in part because I have OCPD, so there are certain traits I look for and to ignore them when they're lacking causes me to obsess over it. That sounds terribly, horribly shallow, and it's not meant to be because physicality is only a part of it. And again, we come back to the fact that NO woman is going to want to take on the responsibility of going out with someone who is completely bonkers and refuses to take meds.

And this is only the beginning of my descent into madness--so it's only going to grow worse and worse. Plus, there's Alzheimer's on the horizon. I do not trust psychologists, period. I cannot bring myself to divulge personal details because the ever-present thought in the back of my head will always be, "How are they going to use what I am telling them against me?" Comes from 13 years of brainwashing in prison, and yes, that is exactly what they do. Those programs are not designed for rehabilitation, however, when they're hiring people who've been banned from practicing in other states and when they use threats, coercion, and fear to implement their peculiar brand of "rehabilitation." And I will never put myself under someone's authority like that again. Try to Baker's Act me and there's going to be a 9 o'clock news bite on the tv.

Their programs are designed to be politically expedient--make it appear to the public that we're using all this money to "re-educate" convicts to make them functional members of society, when in reality, such programs are designed for failure because they provide "opportunities" to careers like janitors and HVAC--both of which you need to be in a union for around here and both of which whose unions will not hire felons. Catch-22, only not really, because by the time you're that far along in the logic chain, no one cares. After all, I put myself here, right? It was my choices, no one else's. I am the one to blame for this outcome, and blame I do. I love to blame myself. I love to find flaws that I can then attempt to beat out of myself, and there is no end to that sense of justification in self-harm. Don't worry--I deserve it, see? And I'll do it out of sight so you don't even have to think about it or hear it or be cognizant of it happening. I don't care; why should you? It's just some SO. Who cares? Haha, just saying that makes my fingers twitch with the urge to curl up into a fist to be used.

Ah, but there's still the icing on the cake! Don't leave yet! You haven't had the dessert! There's still that wonderful OCPD I have with it's good ol' intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking! Yeah, I pretty much think about my ex all day every day, but not in the way you'd think. It's more me going over and over the breakup because that obsessive rat brain part of me is convinced I could have done things differently and still holds her on a pedestal...just like Esther. Just like Juliet. And round and around we go! The last ex was the final ex because for me, that was as close to heaven as I will ever come. I gave it my best; my best wasn't good enough. It's as simple as that. There's no going back, and there's nothing that can be done to change it. So, I just sit here at work all day, thinking about her and my other exes even as that causes me to grow more and more angry at myself. But it's okay, it's a slow burn. I'm still at the stage of waking up and throwing up in the middle of the night because of anxiety, but at least it's not regular...yet.

So, I just neglect myself. Deliberately. I don't really get appetites anymore. My stomach has two modes: burning, or silent, and right now, it's burning because I haven't eaten anything all day. When I think about the future and having to feed myself and clean a house and do all the "life" things, I get tired and bored and have absolutely no desire to bother because, really, why bother? What am I living for? Whom am I living for? Don't say "myself" because I don't want to live for myself. I've lived for myself all of my life and I vehemently reject the self now. That is not a purpose worthy of consideration. That leaves only externals, and all the externals are lacking. That in turn sort of ensures that my time here will be brief, no?

But again, I'm not asking for pity. I'm not asking for sympathy. I think I just want to be heard to prove to all those people who are ever-optimistic that life, like video games, sometimes get borked and there's no fixing it.

[sarahsweets]

@Michael2Wolves:
I do not mean to sound harsh with some things so if I do please know that I mean no disrespect.

Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves

Studies have shown those four things guarantee prosperity. I just have to wait for it to show up, right? Two for sure I don't have to worry about.

can you share some recent studies?

Now, to be fair, I am a felon, and not a very good one, so there's that (never mind this happened 22 years ago, but I digress), and there's the fact that I really don't care to go hang out at bars or down by the lake by myself (and that's really all there is to do here), and I hate crowds. I don't like being jostled, and I start to get panicky if in the middle of pressing crowds (GenCon was tense, to say the least, with 50,000 people swarming around). So I pretty much stay at home and watch life pass by through the window of my internet.

As an alcoholic in recovery I hang out with a lot of felons and go into the womens' prison with meetings. The justice system is corrupt and it is completely unfair.

I see all the flaws and the problems, both with myself and my distorted thinking, but I have no inclination nor reason to change, and I'm fully aware how this will most likely end because the statistics for single men are not good, especially for those with a family history of mental health problems. Worse, I'm very particular about what I look for in women, and yeah, I'll admit to being shallow to a certain degree because there has to be some form of physical attraction, and if there's not, it's really not going to work out.

being particular isnt necessarily a flaw.

I guess I'm not really looking for help with this because I just...dgaf. I can't bring myself to care because I know if something happens to my mother, I'm stuck in a job that will not be able to support the house (so I'll be homeless) and I am all but disenfranchised, so I really can't (and won't) turn to the government for help because I owe them (allegedly) $5,000 I am never going to pay on the principle of what they are from, and I hate the idea of taking handouts, especially those that smack of socialism.

Its a shame that you refer to government assistance as socialism and handouts. If you qualify and have worked in your life then these programs are meant to help you get back on your feet.

Best of all, my job is going the way of the dinosaur, and I don't have enough money to go to school and there are no grants or scholarships I can apply for (I've looked),

Loans & Grants For Felons - Help For Felons Have you checked here?

plus there's the 9-5 hours which preclude me from doing anything except night school which I'd sleep through because I'm mentally exhausted at the end of the day from having to deal with moronic customers I'm barely keeping from telling just how stupid they are.

If you really want to further your education you may just have to deal with night school but online education is what might really work for you.

I can't afford a psychologist because I make too much for government handouts (which I won't take anyway)

I know we differ in our opinion about government assistance but I do wish you would see them in a different light.

I have "friends" I can see on the weekend (when they remember to invite me over; seriously, not going to message them first because if they can't be bothered to remember me, wtf kind of friend are they?)

What is wrong with making plans with your friends that you initiate?

Hatred comes very easily and very quickly to me, with a vindictive twist for added flavor. This nature of myself makes me want to interact even less because it's not something I'm proud of or want to reveal to anyone.

This is a tough spot. Resentments eat us from the inside out.
I want you to know that despite what you think you are worth something.

[Michael2Wolves]

Haha, the Pattern does love the flavor of irony. I say this because of course a Sarah must come along and join the fray. It's not your fault; it's the way the Pattern works. The name of the one psychologist I trusted in prison was Sarah, and you'll love this, I thought she was a Sarah whose last name matched one I knew from high school, and to top it off, she looked like the one I thought she was. So it was her doppelgänger. The only one I trusted because unlike the other so-called psychologist there, didn't try to look for sinister meaning in everything ****ing thing I said. So it's irony that along comes a Sarah via the Pattern, so please don't take offense. It's not a bad thing. I just find it...ironic.

You don't sound harsh, and to answer your question, I must clarify. It's three things, and it's from the Brookings Institute. 3 things to do to guarantee you'll never be poor. Finish h.s., don't have a kid before you're married, and don't get married until you're at least 21. 2 of those 3 I never have to worry about. The American Journal of Epidemiology says that single men have a 32% increase in mortality over married men, and since we also know that the suicide rate is 8 times higher for men released from prison, sounds like a recipe for a long and healthy life.

Yeah, the justice system is corrupt but the mills of God grind exact though they grind but slow. I was 17, but I was no angel, so I figured, I also paid for pretty much everything I've ever done one way or another, all part of the Pattern. Some people are born with good patterns, but there's got to be a balance because this is a binary universe. And even in prison, there are layers and layers.

I call it socialism and handouts because it enables the worst in society, and I'm not keen on the idea of being beholden to the State for obvious reasons. Nothing in life is free, and someone always pays down the line. Well, guess what? After being the person at the end of the line always getting stuck with the bill, I get a little irritable at the idea of adding to it. It's funny, the state said I claimed insurance I wasn't qualified for and are hounding me for $2500 they're never going to get. I told them, in essence, to come squeeze blood from a rock. I'm very borderline when it comes to the state. If they try to repo my car, I'll blow it up before they can so no one gets it. If they try to repo anything else, I'll destroy it first. Even down to myself.

I don't look for loans and grants because again, nothing is ever truly free. Even grants are not free because they always have strings tied to them. And I don't qualify for Pell grants, or any grants, really, because I'm a "special" kind of felon. Apparently, my money doesn't spend as well or I smell like rainbow-colored air biscuits or something. Proof: Tried applying at the Art Institute of Wisconsin-Milwaukee when I got out. They were all excited about having me go there...and then they found out about my criminal past, and they were like, yeah, no, we'll refund your entrance fee, we're declining your attendance. This was a for-profit college. Haha! Or how about the 48 hour flight to nowhere where my own country blindsided me? Yeah, good stories to tell.

I don't trust other psychologists as far as I can throw them; I find them all rather suspect, and will not be divulging anything that can be used against me in any way shape or form, which precludes meaningful therapy. That's what happens when you break someone. I've even begun to take on aspects of a sort of stockholm syndrome where I've taken over becoming my own prison warden for myself, only I'm a bit more freer with physical punishment.

I don't make plans with my "friends" because any plans I make usually don't align with theirs. And so I just sit in my room and isolate behind my 24 inch window, looking out onto the digital world. Seriously, the **** I talk about they don't care about, and I'm getting to the point where I'm bored with everything they say and do. I find that I am always the one going over to their place and chasing them. Well, fuuuuuuuuuck that. That ****'s over with. Tired of one-sided *** friendships.

Resentment? Haha! I'm waaaay past that stage. Resentment was a decade ago. It has sublimated into a black diamond of seething hatred. I felt it tonight, as a matter of fact, so distinct and so...alien from me...I had an anxiety attack right after because of how ugly it was. I don't know how else to describe it, but it felt like something apart from me, and I hate it, too, because I've got plenty to go around.

And I don't believe you. Too much life experience of brutal reality contradicts that. I am no loss to humanity, and nothing but walking worm fodder. With each passing day, I become more nihilistic and more certain of it because with each passing day, my obsolescence becomes complete. I sit here and read my posts, and I can see how bitter and unpleasant that personality is to be around, but here's the thing. Here is where I can bleed it out safely to attempt to contain it in my real life with varying degrees of success. I am aware of every single one of my flaws because I think about them all the time, every single day. Why not? Keeps me safe, right? That's what the shrinks in the joint said, though I'm paraphrasing.

[sarahsweets]

Well @Michael2Wolves if it makes you feel any better I enjoy irony and your cynical sarcastic way of seeing things. We are kindred spirits in some ways-if that helps.

[Michael2Wolves]

Haha, well, I'm glad I didn't offend you. You must be practicing to be a stoic. Or you're a masochist. lol But it does help, I guess, and I do appreciate it. Sorry this response is taking a moment. I'm half asleep and the anxiety is going away finally.