Looking for ways to support my sister during her divorce?

Hello everyone,

I don’t normally start threads or visit this side of the forum, but I desperately need some help on how to effectively be a source of support for my younger sister during her divorce. I’m hoping some of you whom are going through a divorce, been through a divorce or supported someone though a divorce can help me get insight into her thoughts and feelings and tell me how I can help her best.
Here is some backstory:
(Please bare with me. This is going to be long)

Sister gets into her 20’s and meets a nice guy. They date for a couple years, get married, have a nice wedding and both say they want to start a family. They are happy. Sister and husband try for months and months to have a child to no avail. They go to the doctors, get some help, husband goes on medication to increase sperm count, they finally get pregnant. During her pregnancy they fought a lot. Everybody chalked it up to hormones and the stress of getting ready for their new arrival. 14 months ago they welcomed the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever seen into the world.

So here we are. Baby is 14 months old. I found only 6 weeks ago that the fighting from when they were pregnant never really settled down much. Turns out they were always fighting because husband didn’t want to change how he lived his life just because baby was here. He still wanted to go out every weekend and drink and party. He never wanted to turn down an invitation to go do something with friends. He would say “Take the baby. Bring the pack and play. She will sleep through it”. Husband is a part of a car club and frequents car shows. He never understood why sister didn’t want baby to sit out in 90 degree heat in a parking lot full of cars all day. The husband began to have an “emotional” affair with a woman. He claims nothing physical happened. But the other woman’s husband found out that his wife was getting closer with another man and the guy threatened to tell my sister so husband told her what was going on.

They went to marriage counseling. My sister said the husband wouldn’t try any of things the counselor suggested. The fighting escalated to literally non stop. They talked and it was decided it’s time to end the marriage. Sister wrote an agreement but the husband said he wants to go to a mediator. They go, can’t come to an agreement. Mostly it’s about custody of the baby. He decided now he wants to be a real dad and wants 1/2 custody. Also he doesn’t think my sister is entitled to half his assets. But she is- so he won’t sign the agreement the mediator put together. They are not rich. Assets are not huge. I think he using the baby as leverage to save money.


Here is where I need the most help
My sister and the husband are still Living together because neither of them want to abandon the house and forfeit their rites to half the equity or the stuff in it. There is also something in the law about how she can’t just take the baby and go even if he knows where they are staying. My sister took a long time to hire a lawyer, I think because she is scared to face the custody battle and give up her daughter half the time. She finally decided to hire one-only to fire him a lose her retainer. She keeps telling us how she just wants this to end but she isn’t doing anything to help move it forward-again- I think it’s because she knows her husband is claiming he wants half custody. Every lawyer she consulted with told her he is entitled to that if he wants it. She is breaking down mentally. She can’t eat, can’t sleep and is right on the verge of a nervous breakdown that is going to land her in the hospital. She is scheduled to see a therapist. But she won’t hire a lawyer to start moving this forward. She has gone to 6 consultations. None of which were free. Every time she says she found a lawyer she likes, she finds a reason why she doesn’t like said lawyer and goes to consult with more. I really think the issue is her having trouble coming to terms that he is entitled to the baby half the time. I’m hoping you can help me figure out what her thought process is. Every time we try to talk with her and tell her she just needs to get a lawyer now, she tells us to back off, leave her alone and she can’t talk about this stuff going on 24/7. My sister doesn’t have to worry about the money for a lawyer. My family has that covered so I know money is not an issue. If my sister breaks down, the husband can have her ordered out of the house.

I WANT TO MENTION THROUGHOUT ALL THIS HE NEVER LAID A HAND ON MY SISTER OR THE BABY

I’m looking for ways I can best support my sister. Because I’m highly overwhelmed and upset about this. I can’t stand that I’m watching my younger sister fall apart and can’t fix it. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Well...it's just my personal opinion. But from my perspective this is all between your sister & her husband. She has told you to back off & leave her alone. My opinion is that's what you need to do. You wrote you're overwhelmed, highly stressed & upset about this. This is not about you except to the extent you're making it about you. My recommendation is just leave it alone. And if you simply can't let it go on your own, consider talking through it with your therapist, if you have one, or seeing one if you don't.

This is such a challenge as your sister is very deeply bonded with her baby and is acting on her desire to make sure her baby is fully protected which to your sister means her having full control over her child. It genuinely sounds like that is the most important thing to your sister. Some women actually get deeply bonded with their child, it's really part of how women are designed to be, it's often a love like no other which can explain why she is having deep challenges with any lawyer who tries to tell her she has to allow her husband to have rights to his child too. Often this can be more intense when a woman breast feeds her baby, that tends to make their bond even more biological.

This is definitely a deep psychological challenge for many women that form deep bonds to their babies so her husband should actually back off and consider the well being of the child. It may be helpful if he agrees at first to just be able to visit his baby while the mother can be close by to supervise. Your sister is also reacting to the fact that her husband likes to drink and party with his friends and doesn't think it's bad if the baby is around when he does this or wants to hang out with his friends at car shows and thinks it's ok if the baby is out with him while he is often at one of these events where it can be hot and not very healthy for the baby to be expected to be in that environment for a long time. He is not thinking about the signficance of what that baby means to your sister, so my guess is that is what is behind most of their arguements. Unfortunately, men don't experience the same deep biological bonds as the mothers do. Often they even get jealous of the way the mother bonds with the baby.

Open Eyes. Thank you so so much for your response. This was very helpful.

Hugs, Jersey. Divorce sucks. You're a great sister.

Every attorney I talked to said pretty much the same thing about custody: The courts support joint custody and shared parenting time in almost all cases. There has to be pretty exceptional circumstances for things to go otherwise. She probably knows that already.

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do to get her to go through with hiring and keeping an attorney, besides just sitting with her and reminding her she's not alone and you'll walk through this with her, whatever the outcome. And perhaps gently reminding her that her circumstances are exhausting, and the more worn she becomes, the less available she is for baby. Telling him, fine, we'll share time in order to prioritize making sure her home is financially stable so that she can better care for your niece might be the best strategy. Either he'll step up (win--baby has two responsible parents), or he'll be so busy going out that he'll be happy to leave the little one with her momma so he can go do his thing (win--she gets more time with baby).

So many hugs, and some for your sister too. I'm sorry she's facing this. Thanks for being in her corner.

Thank you so much WFS. This was so helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to respond while in the midst of dealing with your own. I’m sending you lots of warm, safe hugs while you are working through your own struggles.

Your sister's husband did NOT want to grow up and be a responsible husband. Often some distance even agruements begin to take place once the woman gets very pregnant and is more about the pregnancy and satisfying her nesting instincts which are typically in high gear in the later months and the husband begins to get resentful and suddenly all the attention is no longer on him but elsewhere.

Well, once the baby is born, EVERYTHING revolves around the baby and the husband begins to feel left out more and more. Arguements can come up for attention, and also because the husband isn't really loving and supportive and devoted the way the wife had hoped he would be. Men simply do not have the same desire to sit and nurture the baby. They even can be on the uncomfortable side as babies are messy, constantly drewling, and extremely dependent. And these first several months are exhausting for the mother and often she isn't really thinking about snuggling and loving and interacting as much with the husband, she's actually tired. This is when a husband can get drawn into an emotional type affair, just looking for female attention again and it's not necessarily about needing sex, at least not at first. Well, think about this, he was important when your sister was trying to get pregnant, they had to be intimate a lot until she got pregant, then suddenly she is pregant and gradually, without even realizing it begins to distance from him more and more.

He drifted away and what is coming out now? What is their arguement STILL over? THE BABY! Um, now he WANTS this baby? That's not what he wants, he is instead showing his resentment for not getting ALL the attention he once had.

All your sister REALLY wanted was to have a child AND A FAMILY. He needed to understand how that was going to change their relationship in ways he was not prepared for and needed and STILL needs to understand it and GROW UP instead of being selfish because it's not ALL ABOUT HIM anymore. He needs to grow up and understand that changes when people agree to have children.

However, the wife also needs to understand HIS needs too and even though so much of her attention is in demand by this new very dependent baby, she needs to try to make time for her husband and making sure they have time together so he doesn't feel left out and sees he still has his partner who loves him.

Hi Jersey- I am from your neck of the woods also. NJ is funny with the way they deal with divorce and custody. I feel really bad for your sister but she may have to just try and deal with the idea of joint custody. Does she really feel like the husband's party lifestyle will stop with joint custody? Does he really want that or is he just being a ****? She may be able to do temporary joint custody and see how he really handles it. Unfortunately if she asks the family to back off then that is what you have to do. I hope if she tries joint custody she is able to see if he is really serious about being a stable father and able to prove if that is what he is not capable of. You are a great sister.

Thanks Open eyes. Everything you are saying makes a lot of sense.

Thanks so much SarahSweets. Though we can’t predict it, We are pretty sure he is just saying he wants joint custody to put my sister through the ringer and use the baby as leverage for her to give up other things. Like, he doesn’t actually believe that she is entitled to a portion of his assets even though she is. The mediator told him she is entitled to half. He doesn’t believe it and therefore won’t sign any agreements at all. She told the mediator there are things she would be willing to give up if it meant getting him to sign but apparently after the mediations-they didn’t come to an agreement. Unfortunately things won’t move forward till she hires a lawyer.

Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with ALL the other wise, wonderful posters! I am SO SORRY for what you and your sister are going through! Divorces are ALWAYS hard, ESPECIALLY when a Baby is involved. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do as it is HER responsability to hire a lawyer. My suggestion would be to be near her, support her, remind her that you'll ALWAYS be near Her, remind her that you're there when she needs to talk to someone and that you'll ALWAYS listen to her. You can offer some Advice but the final decision is up to her. So stay by her side but give her some space as well! Trust me, you're already being a WONDERFUL SISTER! Please do keep fighting and please do keep rocking AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! Please be kind to yourself and remember to take WONDERFUL care of yourself as well! YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WORTH IT, YOU'RE WISE AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT FOR SURE EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need Advice And Support! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL GLADLY AND WONDERFULLY HELP YOU AS WELL IF YOU JUST ASK FOR THEIR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Jersey 4, Your Sister, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do keep fighting and do keep rocking AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN like you're already WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

@MickeyCheeky Thanks so much.

A lot of this indecision is EMOTIONAL confusion. This emotional confusion is coming from two very imature individuals, (are they both early twenties still?). Peeling back the layers, there was a very strong connection at one point, and they did experience love for each other. Well, that layer is still there beneath what is happening right now. A lot of times, the two individuals still love each other, but they got into challenges they did not know how to handle where they could sit and talk with each other until they formed an agreement. Giving up half of "one's stuff" is what you do when you form a bonding relationship in the first place. It's called marriage and it requires that these two people that love each other commit to SHARING. It's sharing a bed, sharing a home, sharing meals, sharing heartaches, sharing the challenge of making ends meet, sharing discussions about life challenges together. Part of sharing is also learning to compromise too. And VERY IMPORTANT sharing the responsibilities of raising that little child they now created together.

Unfortunately, this guy was not prepared OR educated about what kind of compromises he would need to learn how to make once he agreed to create a child with this young woman he loved in this layer of the onion.
Instead, he is reacting to this new commitment as if suddenly his wife is cheating on him with an "emotional affair".

One thing this young man doesn't realize because he is so uneducated is how the stress he is causing his wife, the mother of HIS child is affecting HIS child RIGHT NOW. Having a child isn't something only the wife does, while she does do a lot, has to carry that growing child inside her and deal with the growing discomfort that creates, that doesn't mean the father's role isn't just as important. His wife isn't cheating him, she is not having an emotional affair and abandoning him, SHE IS BEING A MOTHER to his child. This is when he should be learning about what HE can do to contribute to the mother of his child getting rest, and feeling safe so that she imprints that child of his in postive ways INSTEAD of that child absorbing her mother's stress and insecurities.

You talk about how it was not easy for them as a couple to create a child and that when this child was born it was such a beautiful healthy baby girl. The mother fell in love with her child, he should really appreciate that because that doesn't always happen and it's SO IMPORTANT. Maybe, the only way it could be explained to him is how some car he thinks of as such an amazing car, was created and someone appreciated it and took really good care of it. Well, some men can actually form some strong emotional attachments to cars. They learn how if all the parts inside that engine are not watched and cared for that car won't run right and the engine can end up breaking down in some way. Well, it's like that with a child too, his child is just ONLY beginning to develop in ways that if not cared for right can make that child's life more difficult. He should be considering himself very lucky that his child was born healthy and as a couple they can enjoy a lot more "normal" growth than raising a child that has problems and will not be normal but constantly challenge the parents. A father/husband doesn't really realize what an important role he does play for a child. Idk, if he is passionate about cars, then perhaps the only way he might be able to get it is to think about how he would feel if he watched someone be lucky enough to possess an amazing car but doesn't appreciate and respect it or take care of it and basically runs it into the ground and ruins it.

His having an emotional affair was his reaction to feeling resentment towards his wife having an emotional affair with HIS child. Someone needs to sit with him and help him see how his "emotional" reactions right now are creating stress that is directly affecting that child of HIS. He needs to have someone teach him about WHY his wife is not oh so willing to just take their child certain places and just expect that child to "sleep away" whatever environment his wife exposes it to". He is NOT paying attention, that is not good, actually that is one of the reasons a young father might even forget his child is in the car and ends up leaving that child in the car that is hot and not anything that child can handle. Actually, lots of serious accidents happen when a father is left with a child because the father isn't bonding with that child and tends to think it's not as dependent as it really is. I almost lost my little girl because her father as not paying attention and left the cellar door open and our child crawled over and ended up falling down the stairs. We were lucky in that she went down those stairs on her tummy, it could have been way worse and could have killed our child.

Lawyers and mediators do not cover what is REALLY important that is taking place. It's very much like people getting overly emotional and arguing when a car isn't working and how that can change if someone takes the time to actually LEARN why that car isn't running right and how to fix it properly and even pay attention so it doesn't happen again. I am using that analogy because from what you have shared it sounds like this husband and very into cars. He is interacting in ways that is really showing his "lack of knowledge" and how he is interacting based on his emotions and that is NOT going to contribute to actually FIXING what is wrong at all. He is focusing on spliting and he is choosing to USE something for "emotional selfish leverage" that is one thing that any truely KNOWLEDGABLE parent NEVER uses as a threat.

You know the saying "friends don't let friends drive drunk"? Well, lovers don't EVER let their loved ones get so stressed out that an innocent child BEARS THAT BURDEN. Oh, maybe he isn't hitting her physically, but he IS causing harm and "hitting her emotionally" when all she is doing is trying to LOVE THEIR CHILD. His causing her all this stress is also HARMING HIS BEAUTIFUL child too. At only 14 months old that child of his is most definitely absorbing more then he can imagine. It's like not putting any transmission fluid in a car and how that ends up literally RUINING a perfectly fine transmission. It's called "stupidity" and once it's ruined it's too late. These two need to LEARN how they are literally building a little human being and they need to STOP and think about WHAT they are doing that is going to really affect how that child turns out. His wife is literally crying out to him "if I don't put transmission fluid in my engine it's going to RUIN IT". I know it sounds strange but often the only way you can begin to get someone to understand is by trying to use an example of something they DO know and learned is very important. You know, when it comes to a human child, to learning the important things, one VERY important thing is "YOU cannot ever go back and REDO". Right NOW this man is creating stress in this mother, the mother of his child and it IS affecting that child in ways he is totally not realizing and he WILL NEVER have a chance to redo the damage either. Instead he needs to STOP causing this damage where his actions are stressing the mother of his child out that is NOT healthy for their CHILD who is NOW developing in extremely important ways.

It's so important this man understand what is happening NOW that he cannot EVER change. Oh, maybe just copy this post and hand it to him, or mail it to him anonymously. Someday, down the road this man will read something that will cause him a great deal of regret. He will come to think about what he is doing now and someday learn how that is affecting this little innocent child that deserves him to KNOW MORE instead of doing things that are in fact causing harm to such an innocent human being that clearly doesn't deserve it. And not only that, but this child may be the ONLY child he may actually produce in his life too. He needs to recognize just how lucky he is that he has a normal beautiful baby girl too. Not everyone is that lucky.

Your sister's only crime in all of this is "she just wants to love her baby and feel safe and take good care of this beautiful baby girl". This husband should have SOMEONE explain this to him, so down the road he doesn't sit with regret about being so stubborn in ways that is not fair to his beautiful little child. Men simply do not realize how really important their role really is when it comes to how their children look at life and relationships. Does this father want his daughter to choose a man that doesn't CARE about her? That is the direction he is going right now with her. He is unknowlingly teaching his little girl what is acceptable and he will see this years from now when he dislikes the guy she ends up with or maybe she will never even have a loving relationship either, after all, she is not seeing how that happens in her own parents now is she?

I wonder if the mediator would be willing to have social services and by that I mean a child advocate step in to decides whats best for the child.
CASA for Children of Mercer and Burlington Counties
This is a link that pertains to child advocacy. It may be my county but they are state wide I believe. I trained to be an advocate but I ended up having a personal tragedy with my son having a stroke and daughter running away so I never got to have court room experience.

Open Eyes,

Thank you so much for all these thoughtful responses. You are doing an amazing job in helping me understand how my sisters may be feeling.

Sarah...I will have to look up that link when I get home today. Thanks a bunch.

Thanks everyone for your help. I got what I needed from this thread and have asked to have it closed. Most of you were incredibly helpful.