[TheOutsider90]

My husband and I are not having a good time lately. We've been together 6 years and married a little over a year. Throughout our relationship he has gone through bursts where he will go out with friends or his family (mainly his uncle) and either come home drunk, or not come home at all. Theres been instances where I've suspected him of doing cocaine (see my previous posts for more background).

So the past couple months we've been doing alright. Until this weekend. I picked up an overtime shift at work Saturday into Sunday (the shift was 8 pm until 9 am but I can sleep from 12-6, though its hard to get a good rest) so when I got home Sunday I took a nap. He got up to go to his cousins birthday party around 1 pm and i was still asleep. He and his friend picked me up around 3. His friend said he was already drunk. So we get to the party, and i also had a cold so I was just hanging out with his cousin and friend.

At around 7 I told him not to forget that we had to pay my grandfather rent (hes our landlord). He said to go without him. A little while later I walked to the store across the street to get a soda (could only find beer at the party). He was mad and kept telling me if I wanted to leave then leave. I told him I didbt want to leave that second, but we shouldn't stay too late.

So at 830 he asks me If I'm ready to go. I said sure and he said he had to pee. So I said my goodbyes and met him up front. He asked me where I was going and I told him he said he was ready to leave. He said no and that he wasnt leaving. I got upset and said he always does this and he gets drunk and doesnt come home.

So he stayed there and didnt come home. I went to work the next day and picked him up from his moms. He told me he only drinks once a week and that shouldn't be a problem. And that he thinks I hate his family and that's why I wanted to leave. And that he thinks that I want him to just stay at home and do nothing. I told him that wasnt true and that he didnt need to get wasted or stay out all night.

His sister had his phone so I picked it up when I left my friends. On his phone was a message asking someone for cocaine. I asked him and he said it was for his uncle. When I talked to my friend, she told me that he had messaged her sister on snapchat a few months ago asking her to do cocaine with him. I didn't name names but I asked him if he had snapchatted someone asking to do coke. He said oh what are you talking avout so and so ( the sister) cuz they all lie. I told him I didnt say who so he just threw himself under the bus.

I told him that I didnt believe that he wasnt doing cocaine and he said that he was going to go do it since I'm accusing him. I told him that it was messed up if his uncle was having him buy drugs for him, and he said that I buy my brother drugs (which is not true, but because my brother is an addict I've given him money in the past that he probably used for drugs. It's a sore subject for me because I'm always afraid that hes going to use money I gave him for food and buy drugs). And that's pretty much it.

Am I in the wrong here? Am I overreacting?

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your Husband "may" have a problem with alcohol. Perhaps it would be helpful if you researched "binge alcholism". That is what my husband was and "hint" they typically have people around them they spend time with that are binge alcoholics as well. They LIE and like to drink until they get drunk and tend to like doing cocaine too.

If you argue about alcohol at all "there is a problem". If there are lies and deceptions there is a problem as well.

[sarahsweets]

Hi @TheOutsider90
It does sound like there is an alcohol problem that leads to recreational drug use. That kind of heavy drinking no matter what he tells you will lead to active alcoholism.

[LiteraryLark]

I don't think you're in the wrong for "upsetting him", I think you're in the wrong for staying with him. Even if it's true that this only happens once a week, it's still inappropriate for the amount he is drinking and snorting (I hope you're not lying to yourself, he is very much doing cocaine and he will not admit it to you without bursting into a blind rage) and it's highly disrespectful as your husband to go out and party like that and then on top of it not come home. I honestly wouldn't attempt to fix him because people like that will spend the rest of their lives doing this behavior and mooching off people until they're broke and homeless. Hate to say it, but some people just don't want to change, and you have to realize to do what's best for you at this point, and it sounds like you're enabling this behavior by not taking action and allowing him to do this.

[belljohn11]

No! You are not wrong

[divine1966]

Your husband is an abuser and a very bad husband in addition to doing drugs and heavy drinking. I forgot what was the particular reason that you are staying with him but it will never change and in fact will get worse. We can’t tell you to leave as it was suggested before and you are still there. But please don’t have kids with this man

[TheOutsider90]

Thank you all for your responses.

I think one of the reasons I haven't left yet is because things get better for a few months and are really good and I think he might actually be changing. I'm afraid of hurting him, I know that sounds stupid given what we've been going through but there is still love there and I almost feel like I'm abandoning him. I also dont want to make the wrong decision, and break off the marriage when we could have done something to fix it.

I know it all sounds silly to someone on the outside and I'm not in any way trying to make up excuses for his behavior... I guess it just is hard for me to leave 6 years behind.

I also am afraid that I'm too old for another chance. I know that really sounds dumb.

[Open Eyes]

What you stated above doesn't sound silly. I have been there myself and I know what you are describing. I experienced the same thing myself where there would be an incident and things would be fine for a while and then I would end up experiencing another incidence where my husband got together with friends and ended up drinking himself into incoherance etc. His friends were often way worse than him and what I did learn FINALLY was that I was living with HIS pattern of binge drinking/alcoholism. He genuinely did not think HE had a problem as he could actually go a while without engaging in drinking and using other drugs. Truth is he did not KNOW there was such a thing as binge alcoholism.

That being said, part of why I did not know was that my father was also a binge alcoholic so I actually thought it was normal because it was normal in my own environment growing up. Also, people who have this problem actually "can" be nice people, but are nice people that do have a problem and it does affect others around them.

That disease caused a great deal of heartache in my life. It ruins relationships and unless a person that has the problem gets help to recognize it and chooses to stop living that way, they gradually get worse and begin drinking more and more and a lot of people do die from that disease. It's a progressive disease AND it actually keeps a person from growing and maturing so they tend to be way behind when it comes to their maturity level. So, in effect, you are not really in a relationship with another ADULT. Instead you are in a relationship with someone who's real relationship is all about the alcohol. And I will tell you, that in my own experience that has been consistent even when my husband got so bad that I got to a point where I just could not live that way anymore and I told him if he did not do something about it that I would leave him. He ended going to an AA meeting and that's when he realized that HE DID HAVE A PROBLEM. Yet, even though he stopped his life is still about that disease and staying sober and going to meetings and I am still living around that disease and at times it just can be LONELY.

I loved my husband and I went to alanon meetings hoping to find another woman who stayed with her husband and helped him and got past it. Well, the only women I found that managed to do that were women who themselves were alcoholics and she and her husband got sober together and their lifestyle became about that disease "together". What I learned is that statistically, women leave their husbands within three years of him finally becoming sober. They just want to see him getting help, but they choose to walk away once they see the man they had loved getting help. Truth is, they just are too lonely and tired out to continue living with the challenges that come with that disease.

I have been married for 39 years now, but I will tell you that I have been married to that disease all this time too. I have been LONELY in my marriage as that disease always took presidence. Now, I don't want to seem mean about it as someone who has that problem and works at it may be hurt by my honesty. Yet, I feel it's important to be honest to someone who will face ALL the challenges that do come with staying with someone who has this disease.

And there were so many times where he dismissed me, told me that I was the one with the problem too. There are times he still does that too, and I get triggered when he slips into that mindset. What you don't really realize about this challenge is that you are becoming a "victim of abuse" that is what comes with loving and living with someone with this disease. What you don't realize is how you are gradually living your own life around their binges, it's not disimilar than living a bipolar type mentality either as you unknowingly are trapped IN THEIR CYCLE that presents with this disease. Yet, this is what I had thought was normal because that is what I watched my mother deal with because that is what my father was like. My father never admitted he had a problem either. He constantly insisted he was not hooked and was able to control his drinking. I believe he stopped because as he aged and drank, he fell too many times and actually broke his ribs. Thing is, when he drank, he ALWAYS drank the entire bottle and if there was another bottle there, he would open and drink that one too. He liked to drink wine and tended to talk about how wine is healthy to drink. Always defending and denying his disease.

Thing is Outsider, it's what happens when they drink, they drink and can't stop and often drink until they just pass out and are completely incapacitated which is why often they simply don't come home too. I had spent many nights when my husband was active where he never came home. And it was at a time where there were no cell phones too, so I really never even knew where the hell he was. His uncle is just his "disease buddy". When a person FINALLY gets sober they learn how they have to literally walk away from all their old drinking buddy friends and anyone who stays engaged in the disease that tend to coax them into hanging out and drinking and drugging.

I honestly implore you to take the time and commit to really seeing the REALITY of the relationship you are in. It doesn't matter how long you have been with him or how long you have been married to him. And these individuals can be functional and work too. Yet you ARE in a relationship with this disease and I can't say enough how important it is for you to make it a point to LEARN ABOUT IT.

I have even listened to women who are in relationships with individuals who for whatever reason no longer drink, yet, these women CONSTANTLY describe the unhealthy pattern they are dealing with in the man they are with and how they can be nice and then be disrespectful and mean and how these women end up having to distance and they struggle with feeling "depressed". Some even think they might be "bipolar", when in reality they are experiencing the patterns of this individual they are in a relationship with and the affect it can have on them. It really can be having a relationship with a person who has two different personalities to them. I fell in love with the kind and even intelligent Dr. Jeckle, and yet that is intruded in intervals when MR. HYDE is present and he is not nice to me and tends to be quite SELFISH.

[Open Eyes]

What I just wrote in my post to you is a lot for you to sit and think about Outsider. After all, you love this man and you married him and I am sure this isn't anything you even want to face and think about. I know, I was like that myself. Well, when I look back on how things were with my husband with what I have learned, the red flags were there and I just did not know enough at the time to see them the way I should have. And I believe you love him and that he can be quite lovable at times too. However, it's very important that you take the time to learn about what you are dealing with, even when you don't want to. Well, love can be blind, experienced that myself and it's so important you know what you are actually committing to and how it can affect you in ways you may not be seeing right now.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

What I just wrote in my post to you is a lot for you to sit and think about Outsider. After all, you love this man and you married him and I am sure this isn't anything you even want to face and think about. I know, I was like that myself. Well, when I look back on how things were with my husband with what I have learned, the red flags were there and I just did not know enough at the time to see them the way I should have. And I believe you love him and that he can be quite lovable at times too. However, it's very important that you take the time to learn about what you are dealing with, even when you don't want to. Well, love can be blind, experienced that myself and it's so important you know what you are actually committing to and how it can affect you in ways you may not be seeing right now.

Thank you for all this. Its refreshing to hear from someone who has gone through it.

My little brother is an active addict (heroin) and my family and I have been struggling with that situation for several years. He just lost custody of his kids, and being an aunt was my life. My parents cant have custody because they didnt report his relapse, so dss doesn't trust them. I worry everyday that my brother isn't going to make it and I haven't been able to see my nieces and nephew for almost a month.

My husband knows all this. He knows the pain and stress and anxiety that I've been going through with my brother. And he is just making it worse. I haven't had any proof that he is doing coke but it seems like too much to be coincidental. I dont think I have the energy to deal with more drugs in my life.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, (((((Outsider)))) I am so sorry you have that challenge taking place with your younger brother. I am sorry he has been struggling with a Heroine addiction too. Any addiction is something that is extremely challenging to deal with when it comes to a friend, relative/family member, or spouse. It's understandable that you are trying to be supportive, understanding and cautious.

Yes, unfortunately when it comes to children, living with a parent that has an addiction problem can be dangerous for them so protective services often remove children from the care of someone who has the challenge. Cocaine can be very addictive as well and when I was younger (I am 62 now) there was a real problem with Cocaine addictions in my peir group. If my husband was with his friends, often they wanted to use cocaine along with drinking. His friends tended to ONLY think about using and did not think about the risk they put me in if they snuck it into our home when they came to visit. Back then they were arresting anyone who was in possession of cocaine. It got so it was too risky for me to have these individuals come to my home because I had a baby and I wanted nothing to do with people that would put that in any kind of danger. I moved away just to try to get some distance from them, yet, my husband still chose to drink and use cocaine at times because he had a problem with alcohol and he would do cocaine if others were doing that when he was with them. People with addiction challenges have to work on staying sober their entire lives, it's always part of who they are too. My husband goes to meetings just about every night and helps and supports others in their effort to live their lives sober.

It's hard to live with someone that has a problem and knowing they might go off the wagon and use again. It's always a worry that I have had my entire marriage. Sadly, I know of people that have lost friends and siblings even their children to Heroine and overdose. That also happened with individuals who used cocaine and overdosed.

I didn't want to scare you off with my frank post but at the same time I am compelled to be honest with you as that is what a friend of mine ended up helping me recognize years ago who was divorcing her husband because of his drinking and he actually died young from alcohol. She told me "if you have to discuss it at all there IS a problem" and she ended up taking me to an alanon meeting. It really scared me and I did not know WHAT to do.

How old is your husband?

[TheOutsider90]

Thank you, it's been a challenge and it's hard because those kids were my life and even though I've never done drugs I cant see them.

My husband and I are both 29. His biological father died of liver disease from drinking (though he did not really know him, but I think it is partly genetic).

[Open Eyes]

Yes, there is a genetic factor in being susceptible to having addiction problems. It's not surprising his father had a problem with addiction. He needs to pay attention to that, it's important in that he could end up like his father.

Oh, how awful that you can't even see your brother's children. Who is taking care of them?

[TheOutsider90]

His girlfriends mother is taking care of my nieces. His girlfriend is also an addict and they are both in detox right now

[divine1966]

Most certainly you aren’t too old to meet someone at 29. Most people don’t even marry until in their 30s.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, that's hard that both him AND his girlfriend are struggling in detox.

I had a friend that both my husband and I tried to help get sober and she just kept going back to drinking and she ended up dying from it. She got so she had already progressed into drinking every day. I tried, wanted to see her get her life together but she just could not do it and it's really a helpless feeling.

Heroine is extremely hard to get away from using. As it's well known it's been a HUGE problem all over the country too. I am very sorry you are experiencing this with your younger brother.

You can't even get supervised visits for his children?

[Open Eyes]

My husband knows all this. He knows the pain and stress and anxiety that I've been going through with my brother. And he is just making it worse. I haven't had any proof that he is doing coke but it seems like too much to be coincidental. I dont think I have the energy to deal with more drugs in my life.

This is the ALONENESS I am talking about with you. The not really having another actual "adult" that is growing and maturing with you the way you deserve to experience.

When you described how you were at that party and your husband talked about leaving and then disappeared and acted like he never told you he wanted to leave? I am willing to BET that he did some cocaine with his uncle and completely changed his mind about leaving. I have seen just how this works myself, even from YEARS ago it's just like yesterday that I experienced the same thing.

Actually, there are some strong narcissistic traits that come with alcoholism and addiction problems. It was not that long ago that I came across an article that talked about alcoholism and narcissism and how there are behaviors that both can share. The manipulations and twisting conversations around too. My husband has been sober for over 24 years now and he never really broke that habit. My husband, when active would black out, and a few times he did not know where he was or what he was doing and got into a kneeling position in our bed right next to me and literally peed right into our bed and woke me up out of a sound sleep. He even would get up and go over to his closet and pee into his closet thinking he was in the bathroom.

I have not really talked about that aspect of my own life history very much here. People often don't know how to respond to that. I remember when I finally went to an alanon meeting I just sat there in disbelief to be honest as I had never imagined ever going to that king of meeting and hearing what I heard. The other people in that room all looked so old and tired out too, it was a very scary experience. Remember, the person with the problem is NOT going to tell you the truth and often they think they don't have a problem if they don't drink constantly too. Oh, I remember my husband coming home late and he stunk so bad he would wake me up out of a sound sleep. If I said anything he would lie to me and tell me it was all in my head and I was the one who needed to get help and go see someone. I finally did and I WAS right AND THERE WAS A PROBLEM. So don't feel silly about your suspicions at all. Give yourself credit for noticing something is not right.

[Open Eyes]

Some very gifted people develop problems with drugs and alcohol. Ben Affleck had problems and it ruined his marriage and his wife did and still loves him but just could not stay married to him. Also Brad Pitt had alcohol and drug problems and that ended his relationship. Robin Williams had addiction problems that affected his relationships. Spencer Tracy was an alcoholic who often drank until he passed out (he is of an older generation but was a very gifted actor). There are lots of things that are kept secret and often we think people are something they are not, we tend to buy into the "image" presented when there are things about different individuals that are far from what their image is showing.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh, that's hard that both him AND his girlfriend are struggling in detox.

I had a friend that both my husband and I tried to help get sober and she just kept going back to drinking and she ended up dying from it. She got so she had already progressed into drinking every day. I tried, wanted to see her get her life together but she just could not do it and it's really a helpless feeling.

Heroine is extremely hard to get away from using. As it's well known it's been a HUGE problem all over the country too. I am very sorry you are experiencing this with your younger brother.

You can't even get supervised visits for his children?

My parents can get supervised visits once a month and I can go with them, but I wasn't able to get off work for the last one. I'm a teacher for children with autism and we just started our school year so it's hard to get time off right now, and the visit was at noon.