Need some input

This woman sounds like she has several issues happening at once:

-grieving over the death of her father
-has trust issues with divorced men
-dated a married man
-flirted with you via text messaging then freaked out when you tried to take the flirting offline to real life

She is not emotionally available to you -- or any single man right now. She has a history of dating men who are unavailable to her emotionally, so as a result, she chooses men who validate her low self-worth (men who are divorced, men online even if she works with them like you, whom she hides behind text messaging).

I would avoid pursuing anything romantic with this woman. She's really in no condition to be emotionally available to you, let alone, emotionally stable to you. She has too many issues on her plate to do with men, that aren't your problem to fix. So, don't try to enable her. Don't try to fix her. Just leave her alone and try to find another woman to date who is emotionally available who doesn't have the trust issues with men that this woman has.

Ok @Toto54, in your OP this is what you shared:

Quote:

so about 3 years ago I met a woman and over those 3 years we became very good friends. Recently her father died and she leaned on me quite a bit. In our "chats" she explained she has trust issues with men due to a divorce and then dated a guy who turned out t be married. Real recently I had planned to leave my job, and of course I was upset thinking I wouldn't see her again. I talked to her before I left and we both opened up a bit about how we felt about each other. My boss, after 10 days, talked me into coming back, so naturally I just wanted to say hi to her, and let her know I was back, at which time she went bonkers, and later said she was creeped out by me stopping by and saying hi. I think she may be struggling with her feelings but has become very hard with her previous trust issues. In fact I thin it even makes her mad that has these feelings. So what say you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toto54 Just as a little update, it has now been 3 months since the big blow up and we have not spoken one word to each other PERIOD. I tried once to get her attention to just say I'm sorry for what happened, what does she do, goes to HR to say I was trying to talk to her.

Why would you even try this after what happened? You said she went bonkers- what does that mean?

Quote:

The good news was, the HR director told her to stop acting like a child that maybe I was trying to say something about work, which is possible, or that I was trying to apologize; which I thought was sorta funny that she would be so dumb as to put herself deeper in the hole.

How did she put herself deeper in the hole? What kind of HR does this? It is no one's business what they told her. Did you ask them about her? You shouldn't have. Remember if they are talking about her they are talking about you.
Its completely insulting to tell her to stop acting like a child. Regardless of her issues with you if I were her I would file a complaint about both what she was told and the fact that you were told about it.

Quote:

So anyways, 3 months and not a word, the one thing it has made me realize is that she is very childish to still be avoiding this issue, and not speaking at all.

No she isn't, First she said she was creeped out- so whatever that is or her reason she stated her feelings and you said she went bonkers. Not talking to you is exactly what she is supposed to do. She said she was creeped out and you say they told her to stop acting like a child. She is actually being mature not talking to you. She is not obligated to listen or accept your apology.

Quote:

Either that or she does have feelings for me, knows it but doesn't want to re-kindle so to speak, or maybe both, I don't know anymore.

I think you should stop projecting your feelings about her motives on to her. Why would you assume this means she has feelings for you? It sounds like she just wants to keep her job.

Quote:

All I know is if someone, anyone could not speak to someone for 3 months after you were that close, something is off.

Something is off which is why you should stay away from her.

Quote:

As I said either she is mentally got problems or the other

Why does it have to go to mental problems? It sounds like she has problems with you and whatever her reasons are its not your business.

I'm totally confused with what has happened. Toto -- did you have a relationship with your coworker that created awkwardness in the office after the relationship ended? Who dumped who?

The way you assassinate her character Toto makes me think she's the one who had strong boundaries that you ignored. And because she ignored you, this is why you label her crazy.

You'll need to be more clear with what exactly happened between you both.

Did you harass her at work? Is that why she complained to HR about you? I feel like there's a ton of information missing here.

You were already written up for causing drama with coworkers. It’s time to stop all this to avoid future more serious consequences.

I feel like it would be best if you stopped talking to her as well, @Toto54. It's clear she isn't interested in you and even if she were, you can't know for sure, right, @Toto54?! I'd just let it be and focus on your work. Keep us updated, @Toto54,ok?! Let us know how things are going for you, ok?! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Toto54, your Family, your Friends, your Co-Workers and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

So here I am again with another update even though it appears some of you are obviously on her side. So who cares why HR did what they did, or said what they said, what does that have to do with anything? The simple fact is HR is trying to help us both and trying make peace at work, period. As for me assasinating her character, not at all, just using observation. Now that I'm done saying my peace on that, let me tell what I do believe is the root issue.

So after 3 1/2 months of no contact, up until just this last week she would avoid me like the plague. Just 2 days ago I was outside smoking with a couple of other friends, both women, when from around the corner comes the woman I speak of. She doesn't leave, she stands about 10-15 feet away and stays till she's done. No we didn't speak, but she didn't leave either. But here's what I believe is really happening. Putting all the things together that I've heard about her, which I really don't care as they all happened before I met her; and also reading online about these things, I have come to the conclusion that somewhere inside her she does have good feelings for me, but doesn't see a good outcome in end, so she has basically shunned me. I'm okay if that's the reason as at least I know she doesn't hate me. I did as HR (here we go again) just to ask if I should try to apologize to her as it seems like everytime I turn around lately I'm passing in the hallway, or on the stairway and that hasn't been happening for a while now. Anyways, HR said no I would just leave it alone for awhile, which I'll do, but then it seems the last conversation with HR was like a month ago. If you could see her actions when she walks by, you would most likely see the same thing I do, there have been a few times I've seen her with a slight smile come over her, even though she is always walking with her head down and just looking sad. About 2 weeks ago I was walking accross the parking lot and noticed her outside smoking again and staring ahole right through me, as soon as she realized that I saw her looking, she looked away, which I found sorta odd. I did have one woman at work who knows her pretty well who stated she knows her quite well and knows something is wrong, but hasn't really been able to talk for a while as it's been very busy lately. BTW, we both work at a ski resort so this time of year is busy enough that time passes. The bottom line here, as stated in the past she has trust issues, whether they are self induced, or otherwise matters not, but they do exist. Not only that I really firmly believe that she doesn't think anyone can love her just because she is her, and I do. I just have gotten to the place where I just need to let time work it's magic, and if it doesn't come, it doesn't I'll have to live with it, but I do believe she has those feelings for me as well (hard to explain), so we'll just see. All I can do now is pray for God to do the right thing, and pray that no harm comes to her because I will say this, I will do my best to protect her if I EVER saw harm in her way. I would do anything within my power to protect her from harm, and for the record I worry like crazy when I see it snowing out and she has to drive in it. But that's what caring does for people. And also for the record, I am ready (finally) to move on but make no mistake, no woman will ever have a place in my heart like this one did/does and I'll have to find someone who can live with that, if I don't, I don't.

You spend entirely too much time spinning your wheels about a woman you hardly really know.

Again, placing way too much value and heart into someone you don't know very well. Just because someone happens to vent their heart out to you doesn't mean that person has formed actual attachments to you.

I remember a guy that I dated a couple of times, he decided I was the one for him and formed an attachement to me and even visited my parents proclaiming his love for me etc. My mother told me he was going to ask me to marry him and I GOT SO PISSED!! I was in his car with him and told him I did not even know if I even liked him let alone think about marrying him. He drove around and around INSISTING I loved him, oh it had to be because HE felt that way about me. Well, he got me so angry I never wanted to see or date him again.

So, moral to my story is don't just assume someone else feels something just because you happen to feel it. Actually, if I was in the situation you have talked about I probably would have behaved similar to this woman. If a woman really wants you she will do something and converse. This? what you are describing typically means "get lost, not interested".

I had thought this was the first post and didn't see the pages so my reply really was inappropriate at this point.

I'll be honest, and ask, do you have a therapist? I ask this with all due respect because i'm sure you won't like what I'm about to say. What your behavior and thoughts in your last post say to me is that YOU are obsessed with this lady. I honestly think that you should address this with a therapist, if you don't have one, get one. you are overly concerned about what she feels and thinks how she behaves and worry about her safety in the snow driving? You're not connected, attached or anything, she's just a coworker and formerly on a friendly basis.

on another note I have to add, I was originally taken aback by the idea that she said she was creeped out by your approaching her. My thoughts now are that I don't think that we are hearing the whole story here. You state that there are things from her past, that she has trust issues etc. and make this all about her behavior but with this last post I am beginning to wonder if there is something about your behavior in this that is missing from the story.

something to think about..

Hi Toto54, I'm sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with internally. I agree with Sandman. You sound obsessed with her. You are guessing and assuming her thoughts and behaviors when you just can't know. She has made the decision not to continue your friendship, or whatever it was you guys may have fleetingly had. You need to respect that and also accept and move on. There are many other fish in the sea. I also agree with Sandman that we may not be getting the whole story from you. I wondered the same thing reading over this thread. My input would be to find a therapist who can help you sort through this.