Is it bad to be nice to people?

I'm nice to everyone, but I'm extra nice to very few people. It's those few people who gets mad at me and start hurting me, not everyone else. It doesn't make any sense. Like when I looked up to my supervisor at Arby's, it ended badly. And now, I'm especially nice to a manager at my current job and he's starting to behave like the Arby's person.

Thing is, people who initially liked me eventually stopped and the reason is always bc I'm extra nice to them. They walk out on me suddenly and start hurting me. The 2 people mentioned here are prime examples. How come other people can look up to someone or be nice AF to them but I can't?

Personally I think it's a good thing. I think that people will take advantage of that but you should keep being yourself if you're naturally a nice person and eventually you will find the right people.

Other people are nice to me as long as I'm only nice to an average extent. It's only when I go further that they start treating me bad.

Being overly nice isnt being nice, its being intrusive. How nice people are to each other has to be mutually agreed upon, otherwise things get unbalanced?

Like if two people agreed to buy each other coffee, one does monday, the other does friday. Then if one started buying coffee for both also on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday, well, that wasnt the deal. Maybe the other person has other plans. So its not being nice, it turns out more like being bossy.

Does this help explain it?

I get called a creep. Here are quotes from other people who witnessed this. They each said it multiple times.
"You're a creep."
"If you weren't so in love with him..."
"Are you massively in love with him?"
"What's up with your obsession with him?"
"You have a crush on him."


Sounds like what happened with my supervisor at Arby's. And I heard each of these statements multiple times from multiple people. Nobody else gets accused of this.

I went in to work this past weekend and he suddenly ignored me from the start. He said it’s cuz I’m creeping him out. Reminds me of the Arby’s supervisor accusing me of “obsessing” over her. I came in today on my day off to talk to him about it and he didn’t even acknowledge me or say hi. He said we’ll talk tomorrow when I work. Why do people push me away for being nice AF to them? I’m only nice in an average way to everyone else and they still like me just fine. It doesn’t make sense.

When other ppl look up to someone or otherwise be extra nice, it’s appreciated. I get accused of obsessing and having a crush on someone.

I think when you are too nice some people will just take advantage of it. Be very choosy about who you get close to and be careful about how “nice” you are. Being too agreeable and accommodating has always gotten me into trouble. It can be a difficult balance because you might be considered “mean” by some people for saying no to them. It’s something I have always found frustrating but I do work all the time on striking a better balance.

It depends on the context of what you were saying and who you were saying it to.

What you classify as nice others could regard as underlying motives according to the acts that you were offering.

What are some of the examples that you demonstrated towards your supervisor?

Boundaries. You push people's boundaries and ignore their clues that you are pushing them. If people are saying you're obsessed then listen and back off. You are not being nice you are intrusive.

Like always wanting to talk to him. And asking his work schedule or where he’s going. Similar stuff I did with Arby’s supervisor I guess. Coworkers been saying for months that I crush on him.

A supervisor cannot risk a personal relationship (even the hint of any impropriety) with an employee. As an employee, you just need to go in and do your work. You can be polite and distantly friendly, but anything beyond that puts the supervisor in an uncomfortable position. When you don't take their hints to keep your distance, what can end up happening is that they get angry or behave in a manner to push you to keep your distance. Supervisors cannot be your friend.

He jokes around with other ppl and used to joke around with me. I'm not asking for a personal relationship. I was just being extra nice to him. Just like I looked up to the Arby's supervisor. And other people also looked up to that supervisor from Arby's too but she didn't go psycho on them.

I’m sorry you have been struggling with this issue for a long time.

Human behavior and relationships are really complicated. Most of us start learning these dynamics by watching others and trial and error from childhood.

There’s some condition that is preventing you from understanding.

I wish I could do a good job of explaining all these subtleties to help you but I can’t. It’s too complex.

But for simple advice— Keep doing what you call “regular nice” and stop doing what you call “looking up to people “ or being “extra nice “. You are invading people’s boundaries. You are doing stalker behavior. That’s why they are calling it creepy and avoiding you. It is very scary for people to be on the receiving end of that.

Also, your work supervisors would likely get fired for getting too intimately involved with their staff, so they are especially keeping their distance.

What's really weird is that I talk to everybody but ppl accuse me of crushing only on him. They never said I crush on anyone else. IK I feel differently towards him than I do towards everyone else. I feel like being extra nice to him but I didn't mean for it to show. So every time they say I'm in love with him, I been brushing it off for months. And now he himself is calling me a creep. He suddenly ignored me just like that Arby's supervisor did.

Do you think it’s a romantic crush?

Maybe it’s an obsession with an authority figure? You have had this for your bosses.

Stop going in on your day off. Learn from your previous experience that your behavior is not extra nice, it's wrong. You did this before and it got you fired so learn from that, stop the extra nice behavior.

Not exactly romantic crush. It's complicated. And obsession is another word ppl used on me. They accused me of "obsessing" over him and being "massively in love with him." But I feel so empty bc ppl who initially like me always end up turning against me for the same reason. He said we could talk tomorrow when I work. How do I get him to understand that I was only being really friendly and not a creep? My Arby's supervisor failed to understand that.

I’m sorry, Ruby, it’s you who is not understanding this problem you are creating for yourself. Do you work with a therapist?

You need to only act “average nice” with him and back off. I hope your talk goes well tomorrow.

I don't go in on my days off. It's when I'm actually working that ppl say I'm always "obsessing" over him. Like always wanting to talk to him or w/e.

there is no such thing as being too nice. idk maybe its the time of day, but even when I'm grumpy I feel obligated to be nice. don't give a damn if these Arby's people are the meanest people in the world, or someone severely lacking in ethic and morals, all the more reason to set a better example.

It feels like I don't have the same privilege other ppl have. Other ppl can look up to someone or otherwise really like someone and they don't get the same bad consequence I do. They don't get called a creep or start getting ignored. Maybe some things are not meant to be.

It makes me feel alone like no one is ever gonna care. Kait from Arby's looked up to the supervisor but got only positive reaction. And my current coworkers from McDOnald's also liked the supervisor but they didn't get ignored. I didn't used to be ignored. Do I not have the same privilege bc the universe doesn't want me to? Is that why I get different consequence for doing the same thing?

I'm a nice person and I have a good heart. It just doesn't get appreciated. I worked at Sam's for 5.5 years distributing samples. I also looked up to my supervisor there cuz she was nice to me and everything. She didn't seem to like it either but at least she didn't change as much as Arby's GM and McDOnald's GM. She did make me quit though.

I remember being nothing but nice to Arby's GM. Like texting her happy birthday and not getting a reply. I brought her a present a few times. I'm nice AF to my current supervisor and he said time and again it's annoying. But he didn't start ignoring me until recently.

Ruby,

This is on going for you and you are just not able to understand what your doing is wrong, I really wish you could.

Instead of the deep desire to “ look up to him” you could force yourself every moment while at work to “ Respect him” which means say Hello and do your job and goodbye if you pass him walking out the door after your shift

Unfortunately in your case because of whatever disability you have that is the cause of your lack of understanding boundaries you need to just be totally professional at work.

Good morning /afternoon/night when you arrive for you shift. That’s nice and polite.

If your asked a question answer/customer/coworker and that’s all, stop talking and go back to your station.

Don’t joke around with anyone at work , just don’t.. that joking just gets you in trouble and then your left confused and hurt like you are right now.

Your Boss is just that ...your Boss, not your buddy. He IS going to joke around with people, because they don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

I think you should find friends outside of your job.. forming these “ friendships “ at work consistently turn into what’s happening right now, again.

I think you should ask you Therapist to do some “ role playing” at your next appt. Maybe face to face will be more helpful, like if you say something that is inappropriate your T can stop right then and show you what is wrong. Maybe you will retain information better that way?

I hope your not going to be in trouble, he might give you a write up or something because what your doing is seriously wrong and he needs you to really understand that. Many people do lose there jobs, that’s already happened to you numerous times, let’s hope it doesn’t happen this time.

I think if you admit to him that you don’t always understand how you come across to other people it might help the situation.. but words can just be empty. Actions are what shows someone you understand your interaction with them when it comes to boundaries.

Good luck !

I know I go out of my way to talk to him at EVERY possible moment during my shift. I just didn't think it would be taken that bad. How come I make him uncomfortable but I don't make other ppl uncomfortable?

I'm not asking for a personal relationship. I was just being extra nice to him. Just like I looked up to the Arby's supervisor.

been down this road before.
going in on your day off. asking personal in formation. missing clues from other people.

now others are letting you know your actions with this supervisor are way off. as well as the supervisor himself.

again, as said in many other posts....you need to learn social behavior skills. learn to step back. he is your boss. not your best friend, not your lover, just your boss. someone who is there to oversee your actions for those ours you are on duty at mcd's. nothing more, nothing less. he owes you nothing. what he does on his time off is none of your business. don't treat him special.

do your work. go in, do your job, and go home. period.

I know I go out of my way to talk to him at EVERY possible moment during my shift. I just didn't think it would be taken that bad. How come I make him uncomfortable but I don't make other ppl uncomfortable?

read this out loud to yourself a few times. ok many times.

the guy can't be able to do HIS JOBif you are constantly pestering him. you work at a business that is based on customer service and quickness...if one employee is slowing the process down in anyway, the entire place looks bad. HIS PERFORMANCE WILL SUFFERdue to your actions..and he could lose his job. because of you. while that might be unlikely, his performance review might suffer if customer service levels dip during a certain shift.

art some point you need to stop. get skills from the life coach, the therapist, someone...because if it continues, they might let you go, just like arby's did. nobody wants that but there can be only so many incidents...use the skill help you have.