He finally admitted to using cocaine

So if you've seen my other posts here you know about the issues I've been having with my husband. He finally admitted to using cocaine, but only after I presented him with a drug test.

I had a feeling he had used. He told me that he had sold it for someone but didbt use it. So I asked if he took a test and he said yes. So I got a test and he must have not thought I'd actually get one because he got angry and then told me I was out of control. He did calm down and he told me he has done it quite a bit.

I left and have been staying at my parents house. I feel so broken. Because my brother has been fighting a heroin addiction, I've been doing a lot of research on drugs and been learning all I can about addiction. But I feel as though I have way more patience for my brother than my husband and I'm not sure why.

He says hes not addicted and I dont think it's been something that he does consistently but he has addictive behaviors.

I know the logical thing is to leave him. And i know a lot of people will tell me that's what I should do. But it's hard. Despite everything we do have good times and he has been there for me. And I'm afraid that leaving him will push him off the deep end and make his addiction worse. But I don't want to keep doing this. I'm so lost

Has he ever been formally evaluated by an expert for a possible addiction issue? That might be a place to start. If he is an addict and he is currently using, he will need some form of treatment. Speaking as someone everyone gave up on due to my addiction, I can tell you that treatment and a good program does work. I just celebrated 11 years. It can be done, if he wants that. But as you know from your brother, you cannot do it for him. He has to do it. And if he doesn't want that right now, I can assure you , he won't.

Addicts quit when they're done. There is no other way to put it. If he isn't done and you don't want to go through all that with him, and who would, then you will in all likelihood leave. And if you stay, no matter how much you want to support and help, you can't do his recovery for him. That's not how it works. He has to want it. He has to do it.

Now, if he is trying to pass this off as some kind of extremely rare, once-in-a-lifetime thing, then I guess you have to decide how you feel about that. Cocaine is dangerous. It has serious cardiac toxicity and people die. Given this, what he did was reckless. Then, there are the potential legal consequences. Especially if, as he said, he was essentially dealing. Penalties can be super-stiff. How do those things help the marriage he is in? How is that thinking about you?

You are in a very tough situation, @TheOutsider90. I am so very sorry. The good news is that people recover from addiction all the time and go on to have awesome lives. The bad news is that you have both your brother and your husband--or so it sounds--wrestling monsters at the same time. That's a lot to deal with and I am sorry. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself, because if you don't, you will be of no use to anyone--including you. Given all that, I say be as supportive as you choose to be to your husband, but do what you have to do for you as the priority. I will be sending prayers your way Be well!.

@bpcyclist excellent post!

We don’t choose family, that’s why you have patience with your brother. We chose spouses.

His drug use likely explains his complete lack of sexual interest in you and other bizarre behaviors.

How sad.

@bpcyclist said it very well. You can't quit drugs for your husband. If he does express a desire to quit and asks for your support, then you can be there for him. But if he is continuing to use and deal, it may be best for you to leave. You could get in trouble with the law if you stay with him.

Would he go to treatment?

I doubt he would go to an inpatient treatment. Maybe outpatient? I've been at my parents all week so I haven't talked to him yet.

That's exactly what I was thinking :-(

Thank you so much for all of this!

Thanks for everyone's input.

I talked to him on Friday hoping that it would ease my anxiety but it really didnt help much.

First off he seemed pissed off when I came home and asked him to talk. I asked him some questions like how long hes been doing it, etc. He said a few years. I asked him if he was depressed. He asked why I care and I said because I do care about him. He told me he was depressed about his nephew who has been having some problems at home. I told him cocaine isn't going to help.

He started to get angry and said that I just jumped ship (because I stayed at my parents for the week) and I should have stood by him like I stand by my brother. I told him we arent talking about my brother right now. I also said the main reason why I left was because he lied for so long. He tried to downplay by saying at least he wasnt injecting himself with anything and I said it doesn't matter and told him my health and legal concerns.

He said he would never do cocaine again and I told him that I have trouble trusting that. I said that I wanted him to go to meetings and wanted to give him drug tests. He seemed really pissed at this but agreed after I told him I'd leave for good.

He had also told me that I control his money and when he hangs out with his friends. I do get mad when he spends a ton of money on scratch tickets, weed, beer etc. Because I work my butt off and pay for most things in the house. I dont control who he hangs out with but dont like when he stays out til 4 am or doesnt come home; is that really wrong of me?

So yesterday I asked him if he was going to stop the coke for him or for me. He said for me. I said that he has to do it for himself for it to work. I asked if it wasnt for me if hed do cocaine and drink the way he has been. He said "yea why not".

Ugh

@bpcyclist

That is a remarkable accomplishment on your part and your feedback to this situation is excellent. I completely agree with everything you wrote and I couldn’t add anything more or better than that.

Hey @TheOutsider90: I didnt want to comment more until I read your responses. Speaking from a place of recovery ( I am an alcoholic, sober for 7 years) He is absolutely a hard core addict. There are people who went through the 80's doing recreational drugs that "grew up" and stopped. There are people that may have tried drugs once or twice or very very infrequently. Once you incorporate lying and hiding I believe you are an addict.

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Originally Posted by TheOutsider90 Thanks for everyone's input. First off he seemed pissed off when I came home and asked him to talk. I asked him some questions like how long hes been doing it, etc. He said a few years. I asked him if he was depressed. He asked why I care and I said because I do care about him. He told me he was depressed about his nephew who has been having some problems at home. I told him cocaine isn't going to help. He started to get angry and said that I just jumped ship (because I stayed at my parents for the week) and I should have stood by him like I stand by my brother. I told him we arent talking about my brother right now.

Its really good that you didnt take the bait when he was deflecting and talking about your brother. And not letting him goad you into an argument about why you stayed at your parents was great.

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I also said the main reason why I left was because he lied for so long. He tried to downplay by saying at least he wasnt injecting himself with anything and I said it doesn't matter and told him my health and legal concerns.

This kind of justification is very common with addicts. They try to normalize their habit by comparing themselves to a perceived worse problem. I justified drinking by saying that at least I didnt do drugs.

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He said he would never do cocaine again and I told him that I have trouble trusting that. I said that I wanted him to go to meetings and wanted to give him drug tests. He seemed really pissed at this but agreed after I told him I'd leave for good.

Awesome. Now the trick will be finding out if he actually goes. I know some people who have had their friends or family members go with them for support and accountability.

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He had also told me that I control his money and when he hangs out with his friends. I do get mad when he spends a ton of money on scratch tickets, weed, beer etc. Because I work my butt off and pay for most things in the house. I dont control who he hangs out with but dont like when he stays out til 4 am or doesnt come home; is that really wrong of me?

Classic cross addiction. I know tons of people that had a substance issue that drink or gamble or spend money they do not have. Some people swap one addiction for another but the behavior and lifestyle is the same. Until he stops all mood altering substances he will not get sober.

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So yesterday I asked him if he was going to stop the coke for him or for me. He said for me. I said that he has to do it for himself for it to work. I asked if it wasnt for me if hed do cocaine and drink the way he has been. He said "yea why not".

You are right that he needs to want to stop but raising his bottom with consequences can prompt him to try so hold your bottom line.
I think he needs treatment and I think you need to insist on it. I can be inpatient or outpatient but its an insurance policy for you. He will not just stop on his own because he would have done that already.

Even if he didn’t do drugs, he is a crappy husband, going by what all other actions and behaviors you described. In addition he is a drug addict. He can’t quit on his own and doesn’t seem to desire that. But you can’t control other people. You can’t make him quit. You can only control what you do.