[issuesthrowaway]

This will be a very long post so please bear with me.

I need to explain the details thoroughly since it's a pretty complicated situation. My family is very dysfunctional and I really want to get some outside perspective and advice on this.

I think the best way to explain this situation is to go by each person in our family of four: my father, my mother, my sister, and me. To fully understand the situation, every perspective has to be read. I'll also title each paragraph with the key-point to hopefully make it easier to read.

My father:

Aggression

He grew up in a very violent and crime-ridden area where he got into fights constantly. As a result of this, he can be very aggressive and confrontational. Even if he doesn't mean it, he can definitely give the impression of aggression. Sometimes, it can be a simple conversation where he will get loud and talk over my mother and me (we tend to be quieter so we can have trouble getting a word in edgewise).

His father passing

Early to mid 2015, his father passed which he took pretty hard as they were very close. Ever since then, this aggressive side of him has gotten worse. I believe it's because he would confide in his father. Apparently, my grandfather was very similar to how my father is around his age. All I ever knew my grandfather as, was a very nice, upbeat, and rational guy. He knew how to calm my father down and with him gone, my father doesn't have that emotional support to fall back on.

Alcohol

A more recent thing has been his alcoholism. He's not your stereotypical drunk that slaps his wife and children, but I believe he can be emotionally abusive. He comes home in a relatively good mood most of the time. As the night goes on, he gets louder, slams doors, and even throws things. This is due to him drinking shots of straight vodka throughout the night. We've talked to him about this and I have expressed how it hurts me to see him doing this to himself. He listened for a little bit, but seemed to bounce right back to the same habit.

Source of his stress

I understand the source of his stress. His sister/mother (they live together) are struggling financially and recently his sister spent some time in jail for drug possession. My mother isn't the best at cleaning up around the house and my sister has some social issues as well as academic trouble (as a 5th grader). I'm the worst of all when it comes to social skills and getting out of the house, but he doesn't berate me as much. Potentially because I'm taking online college courses instead of doing nothing.

Threats

All of this said, I understand him and appreciate all of things he does for our family. I just don't support how he takes out all of this stress on others. He has called my mother "a piece of ****" (loud enough/within earshot of my sister and me) and several other terrible insults on rare occasions. What worries me most is the way he treats everything like a street-level threat. He recently used phrases like "Don't try me" and other vague threat-like phrases that seem to insinuate violence. I don't remember the exact wording, but he essentially said to my mother, that if my sister and I weren't in the house, an argument they had would have gone down very differently, saying vague phrases like "you already know what would have happened" or something to that effect. It was as if he was responding to an enemy gang with his tone and choice of words.

Throwing/Breaking Things

So far, none of these situations has ever ramped to violence against a person. The farthest he'll go is throwing/breaking an object such as a shot-glass, a remote, or a pill bottle. On one drunken occasion, he removed my mother's door from it's hinges with a screwdriver because he thought either my mother or sister slammed it (something he has told my sister not to do- slamming doors). He only put it back on the door frame when I came out and kinda whimpered at him to stop.

Still Appreciate Him

He definitely likes to talk, but his actions are usually very generous and kind. He deposits some money into my bank account every week, helps out his sister/mother with bills/groceries, and is a very selfless person overall. I think the main issues have always been his anger issues and how he handles his emotions. He admits these faults (which I respect hugely) but doesn't change his behavior, which I think needs to change for all our sakes including his well-being.

My mother:

Why my father is upset with her

A large source of my father's stress has been my mother. My parents do not get along very well. She is an unemployed house mother with some anxiety problems that can get in the way of everyday situations. I believe my mother's main issue is not asking for permission from my father to spend money on certain things and she sometimes slacks with upkeep around the house.

Money

She is not a very big spender, but she does like to buy a ton of apps, movies, or audio-books which can add-up very quickly. I've overheard my father talking to her about how she needs to stop so he can assure there is enough money in the bank account to get us through the week. However, since he can come off aggressively, my mother seems to continue this behavior behind his back.

Rift in Parents Relationship

This issue creates a weird dynamic where my father scolds her as if she was his child. When she goes behind his back, she also acts as if she is a teenager rebelling against her parents. When they are not arguing, they act like young friends talking about all sorts of things. However, my parents aren't very affectionate. My father started sleeping in another room a while ago and also started using a different bathroom.

Housekeeping

My sister is a very sloppy kid and can leave a surprising amount of messes throughout the house on a daily basis. I understand why my mother doesn't want to pick up after her all the time, because my sister can be overwhelmingly messy. I'll admit I should do more. I do some clean around the house here and there, but not as much as I feel I should do. But my dad unfairly puts this all of my sister's uncleanliness, this leads into another issue that my parents dispute over.

Discipline

My mother is usually very lenient with my sister's behavior. She'll yell and make a fuss with my sister, but doesn't punish her much beyond that. Their bickering can sometimes sound like siblings instead of a mother and daughter. My dad is the opposite for the most part. He constantly scolds her for her cleanliness and bad grades which can develop into lectures or even spankings and yelling. Understandably, this clashing of parenting styles causes them to butt heads all the time when it comes to discipline.

My sister:

Social Issues

My sister has some social issues when it comes to her family most of all. Being so young, I believe she can grow out of it like I kinda did. However, it may be surprising some of the issues that she has had and still has to this day.

Young Age Social Problems

Back before most of these issues were occurring, she had a period of time where she would not talk to our father. She was maybe 5 at the time. She had been talking to him before, but all of the sudden, she just stopped. We believe it was due to a time where she was spending the night with me at our grandmother's house, but got home-sick. My dad came back to pick her up and then sometime around that whole incident, she stopped talking to him. It was a long process, but she eventually worked her way up to whispering and then talking again.

Talking to Less Familiar People

To this day, she will only whisper to adult family members outside of our household. She seems to have less of a problem talking to complete strangers such as cashiers or restaurant employees. My parents have had a school counselor (I think- not sure of the details) talk to them, but the only useful information they got out of it was the name of the social disorder that the school believed my sister had.

At Home

Her social problems are less apparent at home. She is very loud and extroverted and has no problem talking endlessly about random things to my mother and me.

Father and Daughter Relationship

She is less like this with my father. She has tried to joke with him and he has tried to reciprocate her crazy sense of humor. However, due to his frustration with her, he'll often end up lecturing her about something. He understands her social problems less that my mother and I who have had experience. He will try to respond to her like one would to a (frankly) normal child, but she has problems with responses like these.

Example of their disputes

For instance, if she shows someone her artwork and you then compliment her, she may awkwardly tell you to shut up or call you stupid. This is often with an embarrassed smile on her face, but I think she genuinely does have a hard time accepting compliments. With her, I've found it is best to ignore these somewhat rude comments. Instead, my father harps on them and won't let them go. This understandably creates a divide between them.

Cleanliness

Another thing with my sister, which seems to have at least slightly improved over time, is her cleanliness. She often leaves plates and cups lying around and doesn't bother to clean up after herself. She does this in a very defiant way. I've told her not to this, but a lot of the time, she insists that she can do whatever she wants.

Nastiest Incident

The absolute worst instance of her sloppiness was from a few years ago. My dog suddenly started having an awful behavioral problem of going to the bathroom inside the house. My sister would knowingly ignore the dog pee/poop on the floor without telling anyone or making sure someone cleaned it up. Keep in mind, she was never forced to clean this up. It didn't seem to do this out of spite against anyone. It was as if she didn't see it as a big issue. Fortunately, it has never been that bad since, but she can still leave behind some pretty disgusting messes of her own. I think it is mainly attributed to laziness and not understanding how nasty some of her actions can be.

Me:

My Biggest Problems

This one may be the easiest to explain because I know more about my own thought-process than I do my family’s thought-processes. I am currently a college student and taking online courses. I graduated high school and then took a gap year. I have never been employed. I have a license, but I rarely drive (only once or twice by myself). I constantly stress over social situations and have very little self-confidence. I sit at home and do the bare minimum to get an A-B in College.

Trying to not be a total shut-in

I spend most of my time on my computer where I game, watch shows/videos, or just browse the internet. However, I still don’t like to have long sessions at my computer where I sit still for hours. What I like and try to do is get out of my room and see what my family is up to. My sister and I like to play/solve ISpy books, play around with Snapchat filters, or just look at memes together. I like to join my parents conversations. I like to joke around with them.

How the arguments affect me

Lately, the arguments between my parents, or even my parents and sister, really make me want to avoid leaving my room. I feel this dread and anxiety whenever I hear one of them get loud with each other. I’m worried it will be another long night of arguing. Sometimes, they’re not even arguing. I’m just so jumpy because of how frequent the arguments can be. These arguments can be every other day and they can ruin everyone’s mood, even if they’re not directly involved. My sister may be the one who is least affected by it (that or she hides it very well). It seems she has gotten way too familiar with the yelling and anger that she gives the impression that she is hardly fazed by it.

My Overly Passive Behavior

I am very non-confrontational person. Sometimes, I’m walked all-over (never to a point where I’m angry about it) and I don’t stand up for myself often. I have trouble putting my foot down and saying how I really feel. I believe my sister and I have that in common. We both have trouble expressing our emotions without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

Panic Attacks

Potentially not relevant but related to anxiety- I also get panic attacks when I’m feeling unwell, or watching someone else feel unwell. For example, I could be watching a TV show where someone gets seriously injured which can trigger a relatively small panic attack. This best I can explain it is that I my mind tries to imagine how agonizing or painful that situation must be and as a result induces a panic attack. However, I’ve gotten better at recognizing my triggers and stopping them before they happen. Recently, I’ve had one during an online proctored exam which I think was caused by me putting too much pressure on the thought that I might fail (which I did).

Procrastination on Independence

I also think I have been lazy recently and have been using my social anxiety as an excuse to not get a job, drive, or even just talk with other people my age. My social anxiety causes me to freeze-up and over think nearly everything I do. I beat myself up over the smallest awkward incidents. As a result of my fear to face these social issues, it’s caused me to procrastinate on becoming an independent adult.

Fear of Driving and the Incident that perpetuated it

I think the biggest issue that is holding me back is my fear of driving. Nearly 2 years ago, one of my worst fears came to life when I scraped against several cars when parking (driving by myself). Nothing serious ever came of it, as out of a complete panic, I left without even so much as a note(which I realize was a very terrible thing to do and it is probably the biggest reason I beat myself up over this). I left the parking lot and met up with my dad who calmed me down and was very understanding and caring about the whole situation.

Must overcome these fears somehow

This whole situation shot my nerves and I have not attempted parking in a space between two cars since. I realize that all of this may not sound like a big deal to the average person, but this is an example of how bad my anxiety is. I feel that if I can overcome this hurdle and conquer my fear of driving that, with time, the rest of my social problems could fall into place.

Final thoughts: I am aware that this is a crazy amount of information to put into one post. It’s probably longer than any essay I’ve ever written. I wanted to get this off my chest and hear other's thoughts on it. To do that, I wanted to explain as much as I could, so you guys can understand where everyone is coming from. This whole thing is a pretty crazy situation to be in.

I also tried my best to explain everything as unbiased as possible. I guess most people are still going to have some bias when it comes to family, so try to understand that everyone in this situation has their problems and I’m not trying to favor one person over others. Therapy has been brought up a few times, specifically in regard to me. However, due to money and other things going on in our lives, we have not sat down and discussed it in-depth. The reason I’m doing this is to get some insight, suggestions, and advice from anyone at all. There's still probably a lot I left out, so if there's any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.

[Lilly2]

Thank you so much for sharing what seems like painful experiences to you @issuesthrowaway

I'm so sorry you've struggled with all of these things. (((safe hugs)))

I'm really impressed with how you've written this, and how well you've categorized these issues. When I get a chance to actually read your thread/post slower, I would like to respond better than this post I'm making here. But first, I wanted to see what kind of feedback you're looking for. I don't want to jump in and respond with things that you're not looking for (I've done that by mistake, especially with longer posts that I've not paid enough attention to, so I thought I'd try asking questions up front before I reply).

I hope you are doing okay today. (((safe hugs)))

I may actually try using the format you've outlined to help me with identifying my own issues with traumatic memory. Thank you for sharing this! Did you come up with the outline on your own, or did your T suggest it? It's brilliant, actually! It's easier to see what's going on with our family systems, and how our family systems impact us as individuals. It's also easier to see what our own perspectives are. It would be interesting if each family member were to draw an outline like the one you presented to see what areas are similarly perceived, and what areas differ in perception. I'm not sure what family systems therapists would suggest, but for individual therapy, it seems like a great format to help us find a cohesive narrative to our thoughts, memories, and feelings. Thank you so much for sharing!

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway

My father:

Aggression

He grew up in a very violent and crime-ridden area where he got into fights constantly. As a result of this, he can be very aggressive and confrontational. Even if he doesn't mean it, he can definitely give the impression of aggression. Sometimes, it can be a simple conversation where he will get loud and talk over my mother and me (we tend to be quieter so we can have trouble getting a word in edgewise).

Have you guys tried family systems therapy?

It sounds like your dad has went through some adverse childhood experiences growing up. His aggression, like you pointed out, could very well have stemmed from his upbrining.

You are really wise in your understanding of your father. However, that doesn't nor shouldn't excuse his behavior toward you and your other family members.

It sounds like you've had enough conversations with your father to understand his history. Through such dialogue, it sounds like your father is open to discussing these things, at least in part. Does your father apologize for his actions? Does your father explain and know where his aggression comes from? If so, that's a good first step for him to heal from his past and work on his aggression. Individual or family systems therapy might help your dad. What do you think?

His father passing

Early to mid 2015, his father passed which he took pretty hard as they were very close. Ever since then, this aggressive side of him has gotten worse. I believe it's because he would confide in his father. Apparently, my grandfather was very similar to how my father is around his age. All I ever knew my grandfather as, was a very nice, upbeat, and rational guy. He knew how to calm my father down and with him gone, my father doesn't have that emotional support to fall back on.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your father's loss. That must be hard on the entire family. It must also be hard on your father, since you noticed that he benefitted from your paternal grandfather's support. Ecological losses such as these are hard to handle sometimes. Anger, or aggression, is part of the grieving process, or so I've read. It's wise of you to understand your father's loss, but it's also important for you to connect with your own sense of grief in this, too. It appears that the grief you experience isn't just the loss of a paternal grandfather, but also how it has affected various family members, and how the effects of family members in relation to such grief may be affecting you, too, and vice versa. Grief often affects more than one person, and it would seem that there's a chain reaction to grief. Support does help in times of grief, but it can become more complex when the support received comes from those who are experiencing varying levels of grief themselves for the same loss. (((safe hugs)))

Alcohol

A more recent thing has been his alcoholism. He's not your stereotypical drunk that slaps his wife and children, but I believe he can be emotionally abusive. He comes home in a relatively good mood most of the time. As the night goes on, he gets louder, slams doors, and even throws things. This is due to him drinking shots of straight vodka throughout the night. We've talked to him about this and I have expressed how it hurts me to see him doing this to himself. He listened for a little bit, but seemed to bounce right back to the same habit.

It sounds like you are proactive with your dad, insofar that you are able to have an open conversation with him about his drinking and how it has affected you. That's a great first step. Not many families are as open and honest about their feelings, or about addressing issues concerning behavioral problems, such as addiction.

Has your dad tried to find individual help for all of his issues, includng past violent upbringings and today's drinking problem? Has your family tried seeking a family systems counselor? Such treatments may be able to help.

I'm sorry that your dad's drinking has affected you and other members of your family. (((safe hugs)))

Source of his stress

I understand the source of his stress. His sister/mother (they live together) are struggling financially and recently his sister spent some time in jail for drug possession.

That's great that you are understanding the source of your dad's stress. However, it's important to understand the source of your own stress, too, which it seems like you're doing. Understanding someone else's stress, however, shouldn't minimize your own stress. You have a heart that cares enough to understand. It's important for everyone to be able to understand their own stressors, and how other people's stress might affect them. It's also important to communicate about such things while finding solutions that can help everyone.

I'm sorry that your paternal aunt and paternal grandmother are struggling financially. I'm sure they are dealing with a lot, including the loss of your paternal grandfather. I'm also sorry that your paternal aunt has substance-use problems, and that she was incarcerated for that. I am sure that those factors might affect you and your family in some way. (((safe hugs)))

My mother isn't the best at cleaning up around the house and my sister has some social issues as well as academic trouble (as a 5th grader). I'm the worst of all when it comes to social skills and getting out of the house, but he doesn't berate me as much. Potentially because I'm taking online college courses instead of doing nothing.

We often learn from our surroundings, especially from family members. It's hard to overcome social anxiety when others in our family are also experiencing the same thing.

That said, you sound like you are an intelligent person who is willing to communicate, problem-solve, and learn. I hear you minimizing your own accomplishments or your own stress in all this, however. You are accomplishing a lot, and you have been through a lot! It's important to not minimize your pain while understanding others' pain; you can show the same level of compassion for yourself as you have shown others with your understanding. Your leading by example might encourage others to learn from you, in many of the same ways that we often get influenced by negative behaviors from others, such as social anxiety. The way to overcome learning negative behaviors is through being proactive, which is what you're doing. Kudos to you! Maybe you can encourage others to do the same, especially your younger sister.

Threats

All of this said, I understand him and appreciate all of things he does for our family. I just don't support how he takes out all of this stress on others. He has called my mother "a piece of ****" (loud enough/within earshot of my sister and me) and several other terrible insults on rare occasions. What worries me most is the way he treats everything like a street-level threat. He recently used phrases like "Don't try me" and other vague threat-like phrases that seem to insinuate violence. I don't remember the exact wording, but he essentially said to my mother, that if my sister and I weren't in the house, an argument they had would have gone down very differently, saying vague phrases like "you already know what would have happened" or something to that effect. It was as if he was responding to an enemy gang with his tone and choice of words.

Those are good observations, and it's a good thing you are not minimizing your reactions and feelings to these things. I'm sorry that you've had to hear these horrible words coming from your father. (((safe hugs)))

It also sounds like your father reacts to trauma triggers from past violent experiences. Although that's no excuse for his behavior, it's a reason for him to seek help. If he is unwilling to seek help, can you find help for yourself?

Throwing/Breaking Things

So far, none of these situations has ever ramped to violence against a person. The farthest he'll go is throwing/breaking an object such as a shot-glass, a remote, or a pill bottle. On one drunken occasion, he removed my mother's door from it's hinges with a screwdriver because he thought either my mother or sister slammed it (something he has told my sister not to do- slamming doors). He only put it back on the door frame when I came out and kinda whimpered at him to stop.

That sounds terrifying! I'm so sorry you experienced that. (((safe hugs)))

Still Appreciate Him

He definitely likes to talk, but his actions are usually very generous and kind. He deposits some money into my bank account every week, helps out his sister/mother with bills/groceries, and is a very selfless person overall. I think the main issues have always been his anger issues and how he handles his emotions. He admits these faults (which I respect hugely) but doesn't change his behavior, which I think needs to change for all our sakes including his well-being.

You are really wise in understanding your father, while also understanding how your father's behaviors have affected you and your family. A good first step is that your father admits his wrongdoing, which means that there is hope that one day he will try to change his behaviors. His behaviors might stem from a number of factors, including his past. Have you tried asking him to seek help for himself or for your family as a whole? It might be more cost-effective to find a family systems therapist for the entire family than to find individual therapists for each family member.

I'll respond to the other sections in separate response posts. I need to take a break, but I wanted to respond in succession to what you wrote. I hope that is okay. (Next up, my response to your written accounts of your mother...)

(((safe hugs)))

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway

My mother:

Why my father is upset with her

A large source of my father's stress has been my mother. My parents do not get along very well. She is an unemployed house mother with some anxiety problems that can get in the way of everyday situations. I believe my mother's main issue is not asking for permission from my father to spend money on certain things and she sometimes slacks with upkeep around the house.

It sounds like your mother is struggling with the effects of your father, too, which may aggravate her anxiety levels.

Also, it sounds like your parents' relationship affects you, too.

It's important not to blame our reactions on other people, but to identify the sources of our stress and our management (or lack thereof) of our reactions to such stress.

Parents are supposed to be examples for their children on how to reconcile differences, work through stressors, etc. Your father calling your mother names is not healthy for you or anyone else to hear, especially your mother. Even if your mother's actions and anxieties are a source of stress for your father, or anyone else, it doesn't mean that she should be called names or treated poorly. Those reactions are harmful to everyone, including the one reacting.

Here, it sounds like you are reflecting on your father's feelings, as opposed to balancing the feelings out for all of you - yourself, your mom, your sister, and vice versa. Sometimes there's this ping-pong effect that we have on one another when one stressor is introduced to the mix. It's easy to blame one person, but much harder to see how we are all responsible with our reactions to a given event or scenario, and how we can all problem-solve together. The question here is: "Who's responsible for what?" In this case, what can your mother do to relieve her anxiety, find energy to help around the house, find ways to be a better parent to her children, find ways to work with her husband on many areas of their joint lives, and find ways to seek help from supports within and outside the family? These are all important questions that the family and your mother can consider, including all family members who are willing to work together on this.

Your mother could be reacting to the stress experienced from your dad's actions and reactions. Your dad could also very well be reacting to the stress experienced from your mom's actions and reactions. That ping-pong effect can take a toll on you and your sister as well, and children's reactions can take a toll on parents sometimes, too. It's a matter of figuring out how each individual can work with themselves and with others in the family unit, and to remove blame while focusing on problem-solving. Identify the problem (not blame), then find solutions together (again, not blame).

I'm sorry that this has affected you in many ways. (((safe hugs)))

Money

She is not a very big spender, but she does like to buy a ton of apps, movies, or audio-books which can add-up very quickly. I've overheard my father talking to her about how she needs to stop so he can assure there is enough money in the bank account to get us through the week. However, since he can come off aggressively, my mother seems to continue this behavior behind his back.

Witnessing this must be hard for you and your sister. Your mother's way in handling this appears to be a result of her anxiety issues coupled with your dad's reactions. It doesn't make her actions right, however. Your mother's spending habits are affecting the family as a whole, and may be a maladaptive coping style that negates proper communication and the kind of assertiveness and problem-solving that would alleviate her stress and the rest of the family's stress. Why is your mom turning to apps? Is it because she's trying to find ways to cope with the stress and feelings of anxiety? Maybe therapy would be a better option for her. Maybe communicating with your dad might be better for her to express her needs.

Finances are a common area of stress among families. Communication is key to identifying problems and then solving them.

When children witness these issues, they inadvertently learn from them. If the coping styles are maladaptive, children may pick up on those behaviors and adopt them as their own. If the coping styles are adaptive, children will learn how to problem-solve and cope better.

I'm sorry that you had to witness that. Maybe your mom doesn't have a spending problem, but maybe her passive-agressive responses are a source of stress to the rest of the family.

Family systems therapy could help in such cases. Do you think your parents might be willing to exchange the hidden expenses your mother has created for therapy instead? Do you think your mother can be open about her spending habits, apologize, and then communicate (as a partner, instead of a subordinate) with your dad to come up with a financial solution together?

When parents speak about the other parent in a negative way, especially behind the back of the other parent, it teaches children to be deviant. Such moral injuries are stressful on youth, as well as on the parental relationship. These issues can all be sussed out with the help of a therapist, or a neutral mediator. What do you think?

Rift in Parents Relationship

This issue creates a weird dynamic where my father scolds her as if she was his child. When she goes behind his back, she also acts as if she is a teenager rebelling against her parents. When they are not arguing, they act like young friends talking about all sorts of things. However, my parents aren't very affectionate. My father started sleeping in another room a while ago and also started using a different bathroom.

I'm sorry you had to witness your parents' hardships in their relationship. That's hard on you and your sister. (((safe hugs)))

It sounds like your parents could use either family systems therapy or marital counseling to help them. Sometimes therapy works, sometimes it doesn't, but it seems like they have issues with communicating with one another. Financial hardships, mental illnesses, past traumatic events, trauma triggers - these are all sources of filial stress, which can impact filial relationships. It's no one's individual fault; all parties should be communicating what they're feeling and experiencing, and all parties can work together to problem-solve.

(((safe hugs)))

Housekeeping

My sister is a very sloppy kid and can leave a surprising amount of messes throughout the house on a daily basis. I understand why my mother doesn't want to pick up after her all the time, because my sister can be overwhelmingly messy. I'll admit I should do more. I do some clean around the house here and there, but not as much as I feel I should do. But my dad unfairly puts this all of my sister's uncleanliness, this leads into another issue that my parents dispute over.

It's hard to do house chores when feeling stressed and taxed from so many stressors. It's also hard to see an untidy house. Sometimes what we do when under stress is to *displace* our anger and *divert* our attention to something else, like house chores.

It doesn't seem like house chores are the issue here, but an unkept household does add stress. It's important to see what each family member needs in terms of support.

Maybe your sister is reacting to all the stress, including being the target of stress when being harshly targeted for the house. That's not fair to your sister or to anyone in the household who is witnessing your sister take a lot of the displaced anger. Maybe your sister is exhausted, or maybe your sister has unconscioiusly learned to become passive-aggressive in the same manner that your mother is passive-agressive with her spending. There are many reasons behind our actions, but the important thing to do is communicate. Why is your sister having trouble picking up after herself? Is she tired? Is she stressed? Is she angry? Is she losing concentration because of all the stress? Does she need help but does not know how to ask for help, or is too afraid to ask for help? Can you or other people help her? Can you all throw what some military families like to call a "GI Party," where everyone in the household takes an hour or two to work on house chores together, thus helping everyone feel a part of the family and like a team? Do you all get praised for doing a good job after house chores? Rewards are needed in such cases. Rewards would help motivate you all for the next time you have to do house chores. Communication and teamwork would greately help here.

Discipline

My mother is usually very lenient with my sister's behavior. She'll yell and make a fuss with my sister, but doesn't punish her much beyond that. Their bickering can sometimes sound like siblings instead of a mother and daughter. My dad is the opposite for the most part. He constantly scolds her for her cleanliness and bad grades which can develop into lectures or even spankings and yelling. Understandably, this clashing of parenting styles causes them to butt heads all the time when it comes to discipline.

Different parenting styles can confuse children, which can bring children to a screeching halt when they don't know who to listen to, what to do, who to please, or what the consequences will be if they listen to one parent instead of the other.

It's best when parents can agree on a parenting style before communicating such things with children. Parents need to be good communicators in order for children to learn from them.

You mentioned earlier that your dad would infantilize your mom by treating her like a child. In the same vein, children can be infantilized or undermined, too. Your sibling may know how to do things around the house, but the issue is not because she needs to be babied or because she doesn't know. Asking your sibling directly why she is having a hard time with doing chores or anything else will be the best way to figure out how to help and parent your sister. Your parents could ask her, too.

Infantilization minimizes and undermines our intelligence and skills. It's a form of emotional abuse that does not solve problems, but rather creates them.

Parents are responsible for their actions as parents, and for their children's reactions to what they're learning from their parents.

Overall, it seems like your mother could use some help. Like your father, your mother is under an incredible amount of stress. She could learn how to communicate better, be more assertive, and ask for help. Your mother isn't the source of your family's stress, and neither is your father. There are many stressors that are interacting with one another here, which affect all of you. Your parents are responsible for the children in the family, even if you're an adult child. That said, you can all work together to help one another, and you can all communicate better to make that happen.

It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with the ways in which your family reacts. You are intelligent enough to see what is going on here, and to identify potential sources. It's important, however, to not target one particular person when identifying sources, even if their behaviors and their histories may be additive sources to the dysfunctional family system.

Family systems therapy might be able to help in such cases. But even if you cannot afford such therapy, perhaps you, as an adult child of all this, could find gentle ways to communicate with your parents and your sister. Maybe you can do some research and find sources or books to show your parents. Humor helps in such cases. Maybe walking up to your parents and saying something like, "Hey mom and dad, I love you, and you guys rock my world, but I think we should have a family meeting, sister included. I have some things I want to share with you, which might be able to help all of us. I want us to be a happy family, and while I think your occasional frowns are cute, maybe we can work some things out to where we are smiling more." --That's just an example, though that wording might not work. You know your family best, so maybe you can take some time to think about what to say, how to say it, and how gentle of an approach you can make this so that no one feels accused, targeted, etc.

That said, you are really not responsible for this here. Your parents are responsible, but they may not know it yet. It sounds like all of you are hurting and struggling. (((safe hugs)))

I'm sorry you are hurting. Kudos to you, though, in trying to find solutions. (((safe hugs)))

(I'm going to take another break. Up next: my response to your accounts of your sister.)

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway

My sister:

Social Issues

My sister has some social issues when it comes to her family most of all. Being so young, I believe she can grow out of it like I kinda did. However, it may be surprising some of the issues that she has had and still has to this day.

Every person within a family unit is their own unique person. Some siblings thrive while others don't. Some siblings are resilient while others aren't. People are different in their perceptions, personalities, etc.

That said, I'm sorry that you've witnessed your sibling struggling in similar ways that you have. That must not be easy to see, especially if it brings up unpleasant memories. (((safe hugs)))

I'm also sorry that your sister is struggling. She may or may not be as resilient as you. I, too, have a similar family upbringing as you, and I, too, have a young sister. There was my mom, my dad, me, and my younger sister. In my experience, I used to compare myself to my sister all the time, and she did the same. We don't get along anymore. Why? Sibling rivalry. I also wasn't the best older sister to her, and I took out my frustrations on her. I'm okay with not being forgiven, and I hold responsiblity for my own actions toward my sister. Like you, I assumed that my sister would be resilient. In many ways, my sister is resilient - especially in ways that I was not. Over time I realized that my sister is a different person from me. We both perceived our parents' abuses on us differently, and we both experienced our upbringing differently. My sister isn't disabled, but I am. My sister has a husband, whereas I have never been married. My sister deals with narcissism, but I don't. I deal with DID and PTSD, but my sister doesn't. Our parents were responsible for our upbringing, but they were struggling too much with their own stuff to be responsible parents. I've forgiven them in my own way, and I was never as open or brave as you in communicating what you have to your dad or to others in your family. There was no online source or no computer/smart phone I could use to seek help. I was trapped, alone, and confused. My sister may have felt differently.

It's therefore important to not compare yourself with your sister. It's intelligent of you to point out what you've witnessed, and wise of you to address your concerns. But it sounds like your sister is a target for displaced or diverted anger from your parents. Your sister may have learned poor coping skills from your parents, who are exhibiting poor coping skills. Your observations are clear, but your interpretation might need some help because you, yourself, have also struggled with all of these.

You are brilliant enough to admit your own biases, as I've read later in your post, which I'll respond to later. For now, however, it is important for you to understand how you feel toward your sister, how your witnessing of her pain has affected you, and how you can maybe communicate with your sister to see how you can support her in a way that feels safe and comfortable to her. What do you think? You know your sister best, so you are the best person to figure out how to approach your sister, given her age and level of intelligence.

My hope for you is that you and your sister form a tight bond. Sibling relationships can help situations related to family dysfunction, or they can add to that stress. Sibling support is important in this regard. Are you close with your sister? Do you want to have a stronger relationship with your sister? Can you communicate with your sister to figure what her needs are, and to see if your assessment of her situation is in line with her perceptions on what is going on for her?

(((safe hugs to you both)))

I'm so sorry that the two of you have struggled with these issues.

Young Age Social Problems

Back before most of these issues were occurring, she had a period of time where she would not talk to our father. She was maybe 5 at the time. She had been talking to him before, but all of the sudden, she just stopped. We believe it was due to a time where she was spending the night with me at our grandmother's house, but got home-sick. My dad came back to pick her up and then sometime around that whole incident, she stopped talking to him. It was a long process, but she eventually worked her way up to whispering and then talking again.

It sounds like your sister was scared to talk. It sounds like your sister struggles a little bit differently from how you struggled with similar things in your family. Your ages represent different stages at which you've both experienced different things from your parents' dysfunctional behaviors. I'm sorry that you both struggled with that.

Is there a safe way that you can encourage your parents to find help for all of you? Is your sister okay now with communicating, or does she need help? Can you help her? Can you help your mom or dad to help her, too? Is she still afraid to communicate?

Being that she is the youngest in the family, she may be seeing how you have dealt with stress and reacting to everyone's stress. It's a different perception from yours because you're older than she is, so you're not the youngest in the family. I didn't understand my sister growing up because I didn't have her perspective of being the youngest. My sister felt controlled by me and everyone else, and so she learned to be controlling to alleviate her vulnerable feelings of being controlled or not being in control. I may not fully understand, but I at least admit that I didn't struggle the same as my sister, given our age differences. Maybe you can communicate your desire to understand your sister better, and to see how you can help support her through this. (((safe hugs)))

That said, it isn't really your responsiblity to be a parent to your sister. It's your parents' responsibilty to attend to your sister's needs, and to support your relationship with your sister. It's sad when us older siblings don't get the proper guidance that we need to be a support to our younger siblings. I'm speaking from personal experience because I can identify with a lot of what you have shared here. My mother was not an attentive parent, and my father was an alcoholic. My father served as a merchant marine in WWII, and he used to harm my mother and us kids with words and fists. It was terrifying to see him break things and to threaten sui. There were other things that I'm not stating here that were also traumatic, but you get the gist of similarities between family dynamics, and the degrees to which family trauma can affect us as individuals, our relationships with our siblings, and our relationships with others, including friends, parents, and extended family.

I'm so sorry that you've witnessed all this. (((safe hugs)))

Talking to Less Familiar People

To this day, she will only whisper to adult family members outside of our household. She seems to have less of a problem talking to complete strangers such as cashiers or restaurant employees. My parents have had a school counselor (I think- not sure of the details) talk to them, but the only useful information they got out of it was the name of the social disorder that the school believed my sister had.

Does your sister have selective mutism? I studied that briefly as an undergrad, but very briefly. There are other potential issues that could be going on instead of, or apart from, selective mutism. I'm so sorry that your sister is struggling with speech and psychosocial issues. That must be hard for you to witness. (((safe hugs))) That must be also hard for your sister to experience. (((safe hugs)))

Has your parents tried to find help for your sister? Is your sister improving? In what ways can you be of support to your sister? Do you want to help your sister, or are you too stressed out to deal with that (which is okay, too; you're not responsible; your parents are)? What can you do to help you cope with what you are witnessing in your sister? What self-care can you take to alleviate the stress from witnessing this? What can you do to prioritize your needs apart from your interactions with various family members? Can you find and/or afford individual therapy for yourself? (((safe hugs)))

At Home

Her social problems are less apparent at home. She is very loud and extroverted and has no problem talking endlessly about random things to my mother and me.

It's a good sign that your sister is able to voice her needs with you and your mother. If she's afraid of her father, but is also learning subconsciously from your dad to blame things on you and your mother, or if she is reacting to being the target of your parents' displaced anger concerning her inability to do chores properly, then maybe this is a sign of her trying to get her needs heard and met.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with the stress of all this. You are wise to identify the differences in your sister's engagement in different social settings. Your observations can be communicated with your parents, in the context of gently trying to find help for your sister, and for everyone being a support to her. It sounds like your sister is struggling and hurting, even if it looks like anger and shyness in different contexts. It also sounds like your sister is having a hard time identifying who she is in different contexts. She is young enough to find the appropriate supports to help her cope and heal from all that she has experienced. What do you think?

(((safe hugs to you and your sister)))

Father and Daughter Relationship

She is less like this with my father. She has tried to joke with him and he has tried to reciprocate her crazy sense of humor. However, due to his frustration with her, he'll often end up lecturing her about something. He understands her social problems less that my mother and I who have had experience. He will try to respond to her like one would to a (frankly) normal child, but she has problems with responses like these.

It's understandable that your sister is struggling with picking up social cues from different people. At your sister's age/stage of development, it's hard for her to deal with being confused at different parenting styles and feeling scared of hearing arguments and threats all the time, or of all the things that you've experienced between your parents. Your parents may be trying their best to help your sister, but your sister needs to feel safe, too. Kudos to you all for trying to help your sister. You are all doing the best you can with the resources you have. But it seems like the stresses within your family unit are continuing to affect your sister's development. What can you all do together to find ways to help your sister? (((safe hugs)))

Example of their disputes

For instance, if she shows someone her artwork and you then compliment her, she may awkwardly tell you to shut up or call you stupid. This is often with an embarrassed smile on her face, but I think she genuinely does have a hard time accepting compliments. With her, I've found it is best to ignore these somewhat rude comments. Instead, my father harps on them and won't let them go. This understandably creates a divide between them.

At your sister's age/stage of development, she's learning maladaptive coping responses, and those responses get reinforced by your father's aggressive response to her. Your sister may not believe in genuine complements, given the attacks she's felt or perceived when she becomes the target of displaced anger for her chores. Your sister may not be receiving the kind of affection and comfort that she needs when she is struggling with things like speech, social interactions, chores, grades, etc. Your sister may not be receiving the emotional support she needs in terms of love and acceptance from all family members who appreciate her for being who she is, no matter her behavioral problems. There's a way to show love while also communicating with her to find out why she's reacting or behaving in certain ways. You don't want to reinforce negative behaviors by constantly paying attention to them, but you also don't want to ignore them either. She needs to know that she is loved, that there are better ways to handle things, and there are consequences if she chooses poor ways to handle things. In many ways, your parents can learn from your sister because it appears that your sister is mirroring similar behaviors that she's learned from your parents. She's acting aggressively or passive aggressively, like your dad and mom, respectively. She's not learning how to find different ways to cope, just like your parents are continuing in their maladaptive coping styles. It comes as no surprise that she's not learning new behaviors when no one else in the family is working on changing theirs. Your sister is struggling, as are your parents. You are struggling with experiencing and witnessing all this, too. Everyone in your family needs help, and no one person is to blame for the stress your family is under. Your parents are responsible, but everyone in the family needs help. You are all struggling.

(((safe hugs)))

Cleanliness

Another thing with my sister, which seems to have at least slightly improved over time, is her cleanliness. She often leaves plates and cups lying around and doesn't bother to clean up after herself. She does this in a very defiant way. I've told her not to this, but a lot of the time, she insists that she can do whatever she wants.

Again, it seems like your sister is picking up this behavior from your mother's passive-aggressive spending habits and lack of cleanliness. Children learn from example, and so do adults. It's hard for your sibling to learn better ways when the behaviors she's exhibiting are the same as hers. That only adds to her confusion and pain whenever she becomes the target as the only one who has to pick up after herself when her parent isn't able to do it, or when other older family members are able to do it but she cannot. It lowers her self-efficacy and self-esteem when she, being the youngest, isn't able to live up to the standards everyone else has set for her, even though she's witnessing different standards from her own mom. This would confuse me as a child or an adult, and we can see similar behaviors or dynamics in the workplace. It comes as no surprise that your sister's learned behaviors are indirect and covert cries for help.

I'm sorry you had to witness this. Your own reactions might mirror what you've learned from your dad or your mom, and it may be hard on you yourself, as well as your sister. Is there any way you can see this situation with your sister through your sister's eyes? The best way to see it that way is to ask your sister what she is feeling, and to truly try and understand your sister. Maybe comforting her will help over time, not immediately, but slowly. Again, a family systems therapist might be best to offer adequate solutions, but if that's not feasible, then finding information online might work.

How do you feel about my responses? Do you think some of my suggestions are worth a shot? If not, what other concerns do you have, or what alternative solutions do you think would work best for you, for your sister, for your family as a whole?

Nastiest Incident

The absolute worst instance of her sloppiness was from a few years ago. My dog suddenly started having an awful behavioral problem of going to the bathroom inside the house. My sister would knowingly ignore the dog pee/poop on the floor without telling anyone or making sure someone cleaned it up. Keep in mind, she was never forced to clean this up. It didn't seem to do this out of spite against anyone. It was as if she didn't see it as a big issue. Fortunately, it has never been that bad since, but she can still leave behind some pretty disgusting messes of her own. I think it is mainly attributed to laziness and not understanding how nasty some of her actions can be.

I think your assessment is a little harsh. My response here would be similar to the responses I've made above.

Maybe your sister was too stressed out to say anything. Maybe your sister didn't want to say anything because then she'd be the target yet again of displaced anger, if not being made to clean up the mess herself. The dog is the family's responsibility, or your parents', especially if the dog made a boo-boo. It's sad to hear that your sisters' feelings and needs are being ignored, which makes me wonder if your feelings were ignored, too. It also makes me wonder if you were treated as the target of displaced anger from your parents, too?

(((safe hugs to both you and your sister)))

Overall, I think that your relationship with your sister could use some repair. I also think that you have been deeply hurt from witnessing all of this stuff. It's stressful to witness and experience the things that both you and your sister have. You both need to have more compassion for yourselves, even though your parents are supposed to be the compassionate ones who teach you how to relate, problem-solve, and cope better. It sounds like all of you are having trouble with coping in a healthy way. It sounds like all of you are hurting, and then that hurt interacts with everyone else's hurt. Your sister deserves to be raised in a safe, loving environment, even if you didn't get the benefits of having an older sister to help you out. I recall feeling that it was unfair that I never had an older sibling, and I also recall my treating my sister poorly, when I could have helped both my sister and myself if I had different supports to help me. I made it a point to make amends with my sister repeatedly, and I will continue to do so. I also made it a point to heal from what I had to witness in terms of my sister growing up without any support. I try to help others, like you, to not make the same mistakes that I had. Would you be willing to form a stronger relationship with your sister by asking her questions, communicating with her, and finding ways to support her. You need not be your sister's parent, as parentification is a really tough role that should not be placed on you, but you can offer support as a sibling. One day, you and your sister will reap the benefits of what you do to grow that relationship now. That is my hope for you. And one day, maybe, from your helping your sister, your sister will be grateful for sparing her from having mental illnesses in adulthood because you were able to buffer the effects of parental abuse and neglect, which you both have experienced. Maybe your entire family, including you, can heal from all of this, so that your mental health will improve.

(((safe hugs to you all)))

I'm going to take a break before I complete my responses to the remainder of your post about your reactions to all this. Next up: my responses to your "me" section.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by issuesthrowaway

Me:

My Biggest Problems

This one may be the easiest to explain because I know more about my own thought-process than I do my family’s thought-processes. I am currently a college student and taking online courses. I graduated high school and then took a gap year. I have never been employed. I have a license, but I rarely drive (only once or twice by myself). I constantly stress over social situations and have very little self-confidence. I sit at home and do the bare minimum to get an A-B in College.

Given all that you've been through, and all the stress that you're under, it's understandble that those things have impacted your self-confidence. I, too, struggle with this. I have to study for my driver's licence exam for Monday. I'm tired, nervous, and 45 y/o. I used to handle tests like these with ease, and without studying. I haven't driven in over 15 years, but thankfully I don't have to take the driving test. Still, before I buy a car, I will pay for defensive driving after I relearn how to drive itself. I know how to drive, and I maintain my license in case of emergencies, but being disabled and poor all these years have stripped me of my confidence. Still, there's hope. There's a way we can rebuild our confidence, but it takes determination and practice. You'll get there. You're already taking the right steps to getting there. Hang in there!

Trying to not be a total shut-in

I spend most of my time on my computer where I game, watch shows/videos, or just browse the internet. However, I still don’t like to have long sessions at my computer where I sit still for hours. What I like and try to do is get out of my room and see what my family is up to. My sister and I like to play/solve ISpy books, play around with Snapchat filters, or just look at memes together. I like to join my parents conversations. I like to joke around with them.

You sound like me. Seriously, you are doing what you can to find you, but it does take people like us to get out from under our comfort zones and explore the world. You sound young. I'm 45, and I'm still exploring the world, given my limitations. It's hard to leave our homes or comfort zones when we feel depressed, ashamed, guilty, taxed, stressed, etc. It's doable, but it takes effort on our part. Hang in there. I will, too.

How the arguments affect me

Lately, the arguments between my parents, or even my parents and sister, really make me want to avoid leaving my room. I feel this dread and anxiety whenever I hear one of them get loud with each other. I’m worried it will be another long night of arguing. Sometimes, they’re not even arguing. I’m just so jumpy because of how frequent the arguments can be. These arguments can be every other day and they can ruin everyone’s mood, even if they’re not directly involved. My sister may be the one who is least affected by it (that or she hides it very well). It seems she has gotten way too familiar with the yelling and anger that she gives the impression that she is hardly fazed by it.

That must be hard for you to witness, and it must be hard for you to concentrate on your studies in school. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. Witnessing arguments is stressful. Witnessing parental emotional abuse on a sibling, however, is traumatic - vicarious trauma, to be exact. It's not surprising that you would want to avoid hearing or seeing that. It would be helpful to find support for yourself in dealing with this, and to figure out ways you can comfort your sister in the process. It could be that your sister can be a source of comfort to you, too.

(((safe hugs)))

My Overly Passive Behavior

I am very non-confrontational person. Sometimes, I’m walked all-over (never to a point where I’m angry about it) and I don’t stand up for myself often. I have trouble putting my foot down and saying how I really feel. I believe my sister and I have that in common. We both have trouble expressing our emotions without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

It sounds like you've learned helplessness from the ways in which your mom has learned helplessness; you all lack assertiveness and adequate communication skills that identify and solve problems. It's hard to do when there are power dynamics, especially when one person in the relationship (like your father) takes on a dominant role, while the others remain passive. Although there needs to be some levels of hierarchy within a family unit (the parents supposedly being the most rational and intelligent ones to guide and support their children), it's not healthy when someone in the family is controlling and/or aggressive.

Therapy can help with assertiveness training, among other things. I'm sorry that you struggle with this. I'm sorry that your mom and sister struggle with this, too.

You could use this experience to connect with your sister and bond with her. Maybe you can help your sister work on being more assertive while you, yourself are learning to be more assertive. Maybe you both can be examples for your mother, too. Maybe this will encourage your father to be more understanding as well. Who knows. The possibilities are endless. But the first step you take in identifying this is wise. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))

Panic Attacks

Potentially not relevant but related to anxiety- I also get panic attacks when I’m feeling unwell, or watching someone else feel unwell. For example, I could be watching a TV show where someone gets seriously injured which can trigger a relatively small panic attack. This best I can explain it is that I my mind tries to imagine how agonizing or painful that situation must be and as a result induces a panic attack. However, I’ve gotten better at recognizing my triggers and stopping them before they happen. Recently, I’ve had one during an online proctored exam which I think was caused by me putting too much pressure on the thought that I might fail (which I did).

It's great that you are able to identify and manage your feelings of panic. It's not surprising that you experience this, given all the stress you've been through. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))

Procrastination on Independence

I also think I have been lazy recently and have been using my social anxiety as an excuse to not get a job, drive, or even just talk with other people my age. My social anxiety causes me to freeze-up and over think nearly everything I do. I beat myself up over the smallest awkward incidents. As a result of my fear to face these social issues, it’s caused me to procrastinate on becoming an independent adult.

Again, you may have learned this from your mother. It's also a maladaptive way of coping when you are avoiding responsibilities, including social interactions, potential conflicts, etc. In many of the same ways, your sister is learning this behavior, too.

There are ways you can heal from all of this with a qualified therapist. You can also learn tips from people here, too. Learning how to be self-motivated is hard when there's no one forcing you or threatening you. I've learned at a young age, and even in the military, that life was easier when I had a dominant person like my father or a boss telling me what to do, or threatening me to do things. Without that, even if it was traumtic or even helpful at the time, depending on the context, I've learned to relax in times of solitude. That relaxation from traumatic or stressful situations taught me improper ways to take control of my own life, however. It took years for me to teach myself how to be my own leader, my own motivator. I also learned that threats are not helpful in most contexts. I am still learning how to motivate myself without putting myself down. CBT helps with that. Other tools can also help. It's a matter of finding a good self-help book, asking people on PC for advice, and/or seeking therapy to offer us tools to retrain our brain and our routines. (((safe hugs)))

Fear of Driving and the Incident that perpetuated it

I think the biggest issue that is holding me back is my fear of driving. Nearly 2 years ago, one of my worst fears came to life when I scraped against several cars when parking (driving by myself). Nothing serious ever came of it, as out of a complete panic, I left without even so much as a note(which I realize was a very terrible thing to do and it is probably the biggest reason I beat myself up over this). I left the parking lot and met up with my dad who calmed me down and was very understanding and caring about the whole situation.

It sounds like your dad was a source of comfort for you at that time. That's a good thing. It also sounds like you felt guilty or ashamed from that experience. Accidents like that happen all the time, but our reactions may differ. I, too, fear of making mistakes like that. My neighbor, just the other day, scraped her car against the pole. Another neighbor helped her. She's older than me. She was tired from work, and she wasn't paying attention. It happens to the best of us. The best thing we can do is learn how to prevent mistakes like that in the future and not be afraid to make mistakes. It's hard though, but doable. I hit a gate when I was about 18 years old. My half-sister (older, never grew up together) whom I was living with at the time had to pay for it. I never made the same mistake again, but it was scary to drive after that. I actually sold my car and took some time off from driving, but I eventually picked it up again. I learned to be more cautious and prepared before I go behind the wheel. You can, too. Hang in there. (((safe hugs)))

Must overcome these fears somehow

This whole situation shot my nerves and I have not attempted parking in a space between two cars since. I realize that all of this may not sound like a big deal to the average person, but this is an example of how bad my anxiety is. I feel that if I can overcome this hurdle and conquer my fear of driving that, with time, the rest of my social problems could fall into place.

You have a strong sense of self-efficacy there. You can overcome that, and with that, you can learn to overcome psychosocial problems, too.

Final thoughts: I am aware that this is a crazy amount of information to put into one post. It’s probably longer than any essay I’ve ever written. I wanted to get this off my chest and hear other's thoughts on it. To do that, I wanted to explain as much as I could, so you guys can understand where everyone is coming from. This whole thing is a pretty crazy situation to be in.

I also tried my best to explain everything as unbiased as possible. I guess most people are still going to have some bias when it comes to family, so try to understand that everyone in this situation has their problems and I’m not trying to favor one person over others. Therapy has been brought up a few times, specifically in regard to me. However, due to money and other things going on in our lives, we have not sat down and discussed it in-depth. The reason I’m doing this is to get some insight, suggestions, and advice from anyone at all. There's still probably a lot I left out, so if there's any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.

You did good in posting this the way you brilliantly posted it here on PC! Kudos to you for reaching out and finding supplements to your therapy! I hope that you can take some of the advice that you receive here to your therapist, so that you can find ways to figure out what is best for you and your healing.

You've been through an incredible amount of stress, and you're barely learning how to transition into adult living. You're on the right path. You haven't had the best parental role models, but your parents sound like they love each other, even if there are ruptures. You've learned from your parents to stick together, even if your dad sleeps in another room, etc.; your dad and mom have stuck with one another, and that is a strength your parents have taught you and your sister. But you've all been through an incredible amount of stress, too. All of you could use some therapy and help. Sometimes that help can be found outside of the family, and sometimes that help can be found through problem-solving within the family. Both could coexist, so as to increase support.

Please be more gentle with yourself. You are brave, intelligent, and wise in many of your actions. You have a long life ahead of you, and I hope you are able to heal now so that you can enjoy the remainder of your life. I also hope that you and your family are able to bond and heal together. That will help you and everyone in your family.

Please keep us posted on your progress, and your family's progress.

I hope that some of the information here is helpful. If not, I won't be offended. There are many others here who might have better advice to offer, too. It's a matter of you picking what is right for you and going from there.

(((safe hugs)))

[TunedOut]

You sure painted the picture of your family's dysfunction in a very fair way. I commend you for seeing both the good and bad in everyone. I think you have good insight into much of what is going on.

Your father is both enabling his family's bad behavior and the cause of his family's anxiety.

You are not responsible for your family's behavior--only yours! You probably learned to be passive because if you get to confrontational--you could get thrown out! Though you have to establish boundaries between you and other family members--because of their issues, I think you intuitively know their is not much you can do. At your age, where you need to invest your time is into becoming independent and eventually financially secure. It is important to try to disconnect and develop a plan to get yourself in a situation where you can leave. I am an Air Force veteran--serving in the military was one of the best decisions I ever made--something to consider.

Whatever you do, try not to negotiate the relationship between your mom and dad, dad and sister, etc. that is not your responsibility at this time. You are in a tough situation but need to try to figure out how to accept it and let go. We cannot change other people--only they can. You sound worried and caring but sometimes that is not enough; hopefully, they will eventually see their situation more clearly. Hugs.

[TunedOut]

Oh, and lots of young people don't drive these days. If you are in the city, you can use the bus, Uber, etc. and find a job close to home. In some of the jobs I have had, because I share a vehicle with my husband, I took the bus to work. You should expose yourself to driving again (we can get over our fears slowly), but in the meantime, don't let being hesitant to drive keep you from accomplishing other things.