Believe it's possible to not be close to family even if we all get along

I believe it's normal to not feel close to your family even though we all get along. I've been asked by people in the past if my family is close knit since we get along. The answer is no. We are not close. As I've mentioned in a previous thread, I don't divulge personal information to them and they don't either. It doesn't mean we hate each other or we fight all the time. It's actually relatively quiet and peaceful most of the time.

There is no violence, no screaming, no dysfunction at all. Yes there's the times where parents will think they are right about everything but even then, it doesn't lead to anything bad. We all still get along just fine. It can be both with parents and siblings in terms of not feeling close to them. Although my dad did tell me once that he thinks it's odd that me and my brother are not close. Although he's not close with his brother so I think it's more of a projection.

I told him we get along just fine but he still finds it odd. I see nothing wrong with it. You can not be close to your family and still get along. Does anyone else get along with your family just fine despite not being close with them? To some people, it may seem odd but it's just how it is. I actually feel closer to friends than I do with family. Does anyone find it weird that a family would not be close to each other, yet still get along just fine? Just wondered about this. I think it's possible, but maybe not for everyone.

In fact, I sometimes wonder if people who are going on social media telling people how close knit they are with their families are putting on a show and aren't as close as they say. Like, people who say their parents are their best friends or other similar stuff, it makes me think that is more for show since parents are not friends, they are what the name implies, parents. Same for siblings. Sometimes I think people exaggerate how close knit they are with families. I could be wrong though. What do you guys think? Anyone not close with their families, yet still get along? Just wondered.

Good for you for noticing all this and for being real about it. I have not spoken to nearly all of my family since 2012. I am totally fine with that. They are a bunch of discriminatory **********. You can have 'em.

I think everything you said makes a lot of sense. I think it’s remarkable that your family is able to recognize that you aren’t close with one another and just get along without any drama. It’s a blessing and you are wise to accept and appreciate things as they are.

I too have suspected that some people are putting on a show of being a very close-knit family when things aren’t at all what they seem. Many times I have listened to someone complain bitterly about a family member and then post on Facebook how much they love and adore this person. It’s odd. I’ve wondered are we pretending more than ever that we have perfect lives or does social media just make it seem that way?

Yeah I see family as just the people you’re forced to live with and associate with until you move out. I’ve heard that family can actually be the worst backstabbers. Worse than friends.

Exactly! Yeah it is definitely possible to not be close but still get along. A lot if people think that if you’re not close then something is wrong. I’ve even been asked by a couple people in the past if everything is okay in my family. I would respond by saying yes of course. We are just simply not close. Yeah I’ve heard people complain too and then go on social media saying how close knit they are.

I’m going to be honest, I believe those who complain but then state how close knit they are probably are the ones who are actually going through family struggles. Either that or they just like making themselves look better on social media. I believe it is both people pretending to have better lives than they do and also social media wanting to make it look that way.

My family is the same way; we are NOT close at all (my siblings and I). The only time my sister and I argue is when we trigger each other. Otherwise, I am estranged from my brother (no interest in reconciliation with him) and my sister and I are not emotionally close but tolerate each other because she has three children who love me and vice versa.

I think it's the norm for most people to feel closer to their friends than to their family. In fact, more people consider their friends "family" than their blood relatives.

Social media is the last place you should trust where people's "posts" of living family photos etc. is concerned. It's social media after all. People use social media to perpetuate mythos about themselves and their lives to the public, which no one ever did before the Internet. I think it's a reflection of how we use technology to promote or, as you point out, exaggerate, the truth. Why? For acceptance maybe.

I don't get along with my sister but I do love her children.

My childhood is very abusive.My mom played classic narcissistic games.I am the family scapegoat and there is a golden child sibling .All problems and faults of others were projected on me and all good things and traits were projected onto the golden child sibling.Fast forward to adulthood,emotional abuse of me still continues.She is the goldenchild.She takes away all the valuables from my parents.All I look forward to is acceptance ,love and closure,which I may never be able to achieve. But there are no arguments ,fights or yelling between us.I tread on eggshells around them.Watch my mouth.I rarely communicate with my mother,because I am scared that she may use my words against me. It is peaceful and quiet. But soul connections or closeness????Not really.But my sister's kids are very close to me.They are very excited to hear the news that I am visiting.I am a good aunt to them and I want it to be that way.I don't want to carry the resentment of what their mother did and don't want to project it on the next generation.At this stage my siblings play nice because they know their kids like me and not to loose it.

Yep I totally agree with everything you said. Yeah I noticed that people call their friends family more so than their blood relatives. I feel the same way. There have been things I've told my friends that I would never ever think to tell my family. None of my family's business.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Unfortunately sometimes closure never happens. I'm glad you have been able to distance yourself from them and just tolerate them for their kids.

I lost the feeling of pure euphoria and innocence that a child possesses. I relive my childhood with my siblings kids.One of my siblings toddler wants two bedtime stories every night from me,and she insists I sleep in her room when I visit for a week or so.I have to read stories and prepare myself before I go. Its fun.Another siblings kids just clings to me and cry their eyes out when I come back.They ask me when I am gonna visit again.Hope this closeness remains even after they grow up.Sorry for my rant.Just wanted to share.

Hey no need to be sorry. That's what this site is for. I'm glad you get to be close to your siblings kids. That's always nice. Yeah I no longer have the sense of euphoria as a child either. Although for five years I did experience the euphoria of being on my own when I was in college. I lost that independence once I graduated. I've missed it ever since and can't wait to be on my own again.

getting along with people has nothing to do with being close. Sure it's something that has to happen to be close but it does not necessarily require that what follows is closeness. you can be cordial and friendly and respectful to many people but that does in no way say that you are close to them. I get along with all of my coworkers in my job but I am close to none of them. Other than family ties and such there is no difference, they are just other people we are connected to in some way. Nothing odd about it at all. Besides the fact that as families grow, they go their own directions, socialize in different circles and have many times, completely different lifestyles and this is, as it should be. I find that close extended families to be the exception, not the rule in most cases.

I believe without family we have nothing else. I wish we were closer but in this day and age everyone is working long hours. We text and see each other on holidays etc...I have a large family too.

Exactly! Some people assume not being close means there is family dysfunction. Definitely not always true. Yeah I have no plans of staying constant touch with my family once I move. We all have different lives.

If you don’t have other social circles, I can see how family may be everything to you. Yeah it can be rough.

Does your family ever get together in person, like for the holidays? Do you not exchange much personal information? I’m trying to imagine what that might look like. It’s so far from my experience. What kind of conversation happens?

Not giving out much information is definitely something that keeps the emotions down between you all though. I’ve been trying to be more careful about what I share.

Oh we do. We operate just like any other family. There is just no spilling of deep emotions or anything like that. And I am one of those people that doesn't tell deep personal issues. My close friends know more about that stuff than my family does.

Your thread got me into an interesting conversation with my husband. I asked what did he and his parents talk about. They’d ask how was school. He’d say fine. They’d watch the news. They wouldn’t even discuss it.

My family, and every other family I’ve been close to had so much personal, intimate discussion, even escalating into arguments.

Or even enjoyable times, taking family trips, we laughed at very personal talk and situations. That made us feel close.

My husband took trips with his parents. Again, not much discussion or drama, but he enjoyed the time with them.

What makes us feel close? Maybe sharing an experience even without much talking is enough? Maybe some of us need more depending on how we were raised? Interesting topic!

Now that everyone is an adult now and have our own lives,I am the one who wants or likes to have a soul connection with other family members.I tend to share more with my siblings.And crave the same from them.The golden child sibling sounds like she is having a superficial conversation with me.But the other one sibling is closer to me.She even apologized that she was the cause of my abuse back when we were children.She felt sorry for how I was forced to take care of her.She remembered her childhood and how my mom was an absent mom for her.She remembers how I fed her bathed her and such.Recently my golden child sibling is connecting on a deeper level.I think because her kids have developed a bond with me.But she never said sorry.But started to tell me more about what she did behind my back.Like how she destroyed my school projects.Wrote profanity in my notebook.tore pages of my text book.blackened my eraser with permanent marker.I got into trouble for them and I never new it was her.Now she started telling here and there.May be a confession??IDK.

Yep! My family is like your husband’s family.. No tight bonds and no drama. Just superficial basic topics. And the only stuff I will reveal to them is anything medical related that I need. And even then that’s only if I have to, usually due to me needing a ride or something else. Glad you feel close though. Yeah it depends on various family dynamics.

At least the golden child sibling is admitting it. An apology would still be nice. Glad you’re connecting well with your other sibling.

Ya,she is admitting after I have suffered intensely all these years .Actually the new info is very triggering. All that I know and gone through is already resulted in a lot of damage for me physically, emotionally and psychologically. May be it makes her better by getting rid of those secrets.It is burdensome to me. Simple things like how my new pencil is becoming short day by day,when I am not using it.I remember my mom punishing me because all three of us got new ones the same day,theirs still long and mine is all used up.She told in a humorous tone ,how she used to sharpen it a lot and put it back in my box until it became very small.Things like that.And mom needed a small issue to rage and beat.

Wow, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. That is very triggering. I would have serious trust issues with her or anyone that does that.