[LadyShadow]

Hey guys,

I haven't posted in a while only because my sorry butt ended back in the hospital after my last hospitalization was just last year - UGH! This time when I went in there, I met someone - someone who helped through this last hospitalization, especially since this time I cried every day I was there.

Anyway, I always said to myself I wouldn't date anyone from the hospital, only because I don't think I'm strong or competent to handle their issues in addition to my own, but this guy, this guy is unlike anyone I ever met in my whole life - especially when he said he saw me it was love at first sight and I was without everything in the hospital - no conditioner, shampoo, lotion or even soap - I looked horrible, and he is so handsome!

Besides all the superficial stuff, we connect on so many levels. It's interesting because I was running away from relationships involving mental health issues, but my crazy knows his crazy EXTREMELY well if that makes any sense, and the past few months have been so wonderful because we both fell for each other really hard and intensely.

However, one major red flag that I tried to ignore was his drug problem. As much as it would be easy to say, "I'm gonna walk away and not deal with this," I fell headfirst into loving him. His habits aren't daily habits, but he is being monitored and failed a few drug tests. He doesn't use around me - and we are completely sober together, and he is so wonderful that way, but he weakens when he goes back to his group home where everyone uses. I don't want to be with a drug user, specifically because I have been struggling with my own sobriety with alcohol, and the fact that he is holding onto me so tightly, he went into rehab, for himself and for us.

He is doing the absolute right thing, and I am SO proud of him for going away to fix himself, but I MISS HIM so much - like so much, every day is so, so hard for me. He sometimes calls me once a day if they let him use the phone, and yesterday when he didn't call, I basically laid in bed and let the whole day go without a shower, eating, nothing. My own mental health is at risk, and I don't want to fall, but every day is SO DAMN hard.

The good news is today I got up and showered and ate breakfast - the bad news is he still didn't call. Sigh. I just wish I could fast forward time; this longing hurts a lot.

Thanks for reading.

[Have Hope]

So sorry about your hospitalization. It sounds like you know your own needs and boundaries, and drug addiction, or drug use, is a boundary and line. It's great he's in rehab and it's wonderful you two found one another, but he will need to stick to 100% abstinence when he gets out...

the question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to stick it through with him through this struggle? While you also need to maintain your own sobriety? Drug users most typically go back to using and have to revisit rehab several times. I've seen it happen firsthand.

You may miss him terribly, but do you think you may have a dependency issue with him? It's one thing to miss someone deeply, yet another to completely neglect one's self-care. That sounds like dependency and love addiction to me. Healthy love means you may miss someone, but you go on with your life and take care of yourself and your own needs. It sounds a bit worrisome to me on both fronts.

Try to take care of your own needs, and I encourage you to also think about the question I've posed. This could become problematic for you and may threaten your own sobriety.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

It sounds like you know your own needs and boundaries, and drug addiction, or drug use, is a boundary and line. It's great he's in rehab and it's wonderful you two found one another, but he will need to stick to 100% abstinence when he gets out...

the question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to stick it through with him through this struggle? While you also need to maintain your own sobriety? Drug users most typically go back to using and have to revisit rehab several times. I've seen it happen firsthand.

You may miss him terribly, but do you think you may have a dependency issue with him? It's one thing to miss someone deeply, yet another to completely neglect one's self-care. That sounds like dependency and love addiction to me. Healthy love means you may miss someone, but you go on with your life and take care of yourself and your own needs. It sounds a bit worrisome to me on both fronts.

Try to take care of your own needs, and I encourage you to also think about the question I've posed. This could become problematic for you and may threaten your own sobriety.

You basically addressed everything I've feared. I know that as long as he is living where he's living, he may revert back - and it will probably be a constant struggle for the both of us in the long run.

The love addiction and co-dependency is also a real situation - because every day it's ripping me apart - I have let my studies slip with school, I've let myself go with self-care, and I've stopped my job search because I literally can't get out of bed. Today is a better day - even though I am STILL not doing what I am supposed to be doing even though my professor gave me an extension, I don't know why I can't get my damn head together to do my work.

I need to pull myself out of this, not pull myself out by breaking up with him, but pull my head out enough, so I take care of myself.

I really do love him, and I really want to stand by him, but I need to take care of myself, I really do.

Thank you for the objective and helpful advice. I really appreciate it.

Hugs.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

You basically addressed everything I've feared. I know that as long as he is living where he's living, he may revert back - and it will probably be a constant struggle for the both of us in the long run.

The love addiction and co-dependency is also a real situation - because every day it's ripping me apart - I have let my studies slip with school, I've let myself go with self-care, and I've stopped my job search because I literally can't get out of bed. Today is a better day - even though I am STILL not doing what I am supposed to be doing even though my professor gave me an extension, I don't know why I can't get my damn head together to do my work.

I need to pull myself out of this, not pull myself out by breaking up with him, but pull my head out enough, so I take care of myself.

I really do love him, and I really want to stand by him, but I need to take care of myself, I really do.

Thank you for the objective and helpful advice. I really appreciate it.

Hugs.

Hugs to you. Sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Now you just need to take proactive steps to take care of yourself, your school studies and keep your life on track. Don’t let missing him derail you. And yes, maintaining your own sobriety is very important. This is something you will need to determine... it could easily become a codependent relationship and an unhealthy one that sets you back many steps as opposed to forward. You have to think of your own health and needs foremost. It’s important. It’s not easy when you feel in love, but it’s helpful to take on an objective stance on the situation to determine what’s really healthiest. And what will work best for you.

[Open Eyes]

LadyShadow, do you go to AA meetings so you can get support to stay sober? You can choose to go to women's meetings only at first too.

It is recommended not to get involved in a relationship until a person has a least a year of sobriety. It's hard if you get into a relationship with someone who also struggles with addiction. That being said, I also know some couples where they both work on their sobriety and go to meetings together and separately. Yet, these people are already couples.

I am wondering if this guy can find a "sober house" to live in instead of a group home where he encounters other's still using drugs or alcohol that can make it harder for him to stay sober. His chances would be better if he could live in a sober house where no one is using but instead committed to living their lives sober.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Hugs to you. Sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Now you just need to take proactive steps to take care of yourself, your school studies and keep your life on track. Don’t let missing him derail you. And yes, maintaining your own sobriety is very important. This is something you will need to determine... it could easily become a codependent relationship and an unhealthy one that sets you back many steps as opposed to forward. You have to think of your own health and needs foremost. It’s important. It’s not easy when you feel in love, but it’s helpful to take on an objective stance on the situation to determine what’s really healthiest. And what will work best for you.

My health IS the most important in this situation - and I've managed to do my schoolwork today and look forward to a day of job hunting tomorrow, so my head is screwed on a bit better than it was earlier, Thank God. Our relationship is going to be hard, I know it, especially since I've really committed to this person - I'm in it for the long haul. It's a dangerous situation all the way around because of both our illnesses and our struggles of addiction - two wrongs don't make a right but we both fell in deep with each other. Prayer has helped us through this because we both have a deep faith - its helped us especially since we both feel like disappointments in general but at least not to each other.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

LadyShadow, do you go to AA meetings so you can get support to stay sober? You can choose to go to women's meetings only at first too.

It is recommended not to get involved in a relationship until a person has a least a year of sobriety. It's hard if you get into a relationship with someone who also struggles with addiction. That being said, I also know some couples where they both work on their sobriety and go to meetings together and separately. Yet, these people are already couples.

I am wondering if this guy can find a "sober house" to live in instead of a group home where he encounters other's still using drugs or alcohol that can make it harder for him to stay sober. His chances would be better if he could live in a sober house where no one is using but instead committed to living their lives sober.

That is one of the first things that I thought of. I know getting involved with someone when not yet sober is not the best of things to do nor is being with an addict, but we both are trying really hard in a world in which relationships weren't kind to us both. You're right a sober house is much better than where he's living - in fact his mom and one of the agencies are working on moving him by the time he gets out which is a hopeful step.

But honestly, I can't help but be selfish and miss him terribly.

Every day, is harder and harder.

[sarahsweets]

If you have addiction issues and he does its going to be really hard for you to stay sober if he isnt.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Our relationship is going to be hard, I know it, especially since I've really committed to this person - I'm in it for the long haul.

This is worrisome. You are committing yourself to someone who is not yet sober or drug-free yet. I would tread very carefully with this one. He can easily relapse and then what do you do? Then you're holding someone up, carrying someone on your shoulders and are trying to save them from addiction. OR, you could relapse along with him. You have to think through these types of scenarios that could happen. This is why it is best to not over-commit yourself so early on, and to tread very carefully. You don't want to backslide yourself with your own recovery process, OR be responsible for helping someone out of their own addiction. I am concerned for you.

[bpcyclist]

I lost basically everything and everyone as I got sober 11 years ago. Wife, kid, businesses, pretty much all friends. Poof. That said, I would way rather be sober and have noone than be using and still married to that bi***.

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Hey guys,

I haven't posted in a while only because my sorry butt ended back in the hospital after my last hospitalization was just last year - UGH! This time when I went in there, I met someone - someone who helped through this last hospitalization, especially since this time I cried every day I was there.

Anyway, I always said to myself I wouldn't date anyone from the hospital, only because I don't think I'm strong or competent to handle their issues in addition to my own, but this guy, this guy is unlike anyone I ever met in my whole life - especially when he said he saw me it was love at first sight and I was without everything in the hospital - no conditioner, shampoo, lotion or even soap - I looked horrible, and he is so handsome!

Besides all the superficial stuff, we connect on so many levels. It's interesting because I was running away from relationships involving mental health issues, but my crazy knows his crazy EXTREMELY well if that makes any sense, and the past few months have been so wonderful because we both fell for each other really hard and intensely.

However, one major red flag that I tried to ignore was his drug problem. As much as it would be easy to say, "I'm gonna walk away and not deal with this," I fell headfirst into loving him. His habits aren't daily habits, but he is being monitored and failed a few drug tests. He doesn't use around me - and we are completely sober together, and he is so wonderful that way, but he weakens when he goes back to his group home where everyone uses. I don't want to be with a drug user, specifically because I have been struggling with my own sobriety with alcohol, and the fact that he is holding onto me so tightly, he went into rehab, for himself and for us.

He is doing the absolute right thing, and I am SO proud of him for going away to fix himself, but I MISS HIM so much - like so much, every day is so, so hard for me. He sometimes calls me once a day if they let him use the phone, and yesterday when he didn't call, I basically laid in bed and let the whole day go without a shower, eating, nothing. My own mental health is at risk, and I don't want to fall, but every day is SO DAMN hard.

The good news is today I got up and showered and ate breakfast - the bad news is he still didn't call. Sigh. I just wish I could fast forward time; this longing hurts a lot.

Thanks for reading.

Honestly, i do not mean to make fun of you but I love the expression "my sorry butt " Brilliant. Happy New Year