Deciding to be alone

After all the time I’ve wasted for a year, I’ve decided it’s best to be alone-not hop back online.. The reason I didn’t cut this guy off sooner was because Of me being lonely and bored..I was single for 5-6 months before meeting my ex, but the previous relationship I jumped into too fast..almost immediately. So it was doomed for failure. As much as nobody wants to be alone, I’m not in the right mindset emotionally to pick a partner..I don’t even really want to date either...only thing I’m really capable of is friendship right now..I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought of being alone for a while also..I don’t want to go back to hanging out with my ex when I get lonely..that’s what I’ve been doing and I know that it’s because I’m lonely and like the little bit of attention he gave..he was upfront about not having healed from his last relationship after the breakup..I knew he was only capable of casual dating/friends so it’s not like he lied..I just don’t like the constant headgames he played to keep me around like “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you either” I had to reflect and be honest with myself..he wants to be alone (was in a LTR for years that ended badly) he’s in therapy, but he has a lot of repressed anger that can take years to recover..SO, new year and as hard as it is, it’s best to just be alone..

What else do you do in your life Gymgirl? Do you have a job? Have you lived on your own at all? It sounds to me like the only influences you have experienced are individuals that have addiction problems and are emotionally unavailable and unhealthy.

I am in my 40’s, I live alone and have a teen..yes I have a full time job

Get busy with other stuff. Get a hobby? Get a second job, travel. Does your kid live with you? Hopefully he/she is elsewhere (at their dad?) when you were for days and nights at this drunk’s house. Find stuff to do with the teen, take them on a trip. Join meetup women social group. Join book club. Go to gym. Take a class. Volunteer for less fortunate. Get yourself busy so you have zero time to be lonely.

Stop focusing on this guy and what he does wrong. It doesn’t matter if he wasn’t over past relationship or not. He likely lied about that and how that relationship went. Who cares. You don’t know what’s inside other peoples’ heads and lives.

Analyzing other people 24/7 is a known strategy to keep you in a victim mode and not taking responsibility for your own life. Get the focus of him and focus on you. Plus that analysis is likely wrong anyways because you don’t really know other people well enough for that. You weren’t there when he was in that relationship or when he was growing up. So how do you even know what happened? All you can know is yourself.

Find a good therapist. You can do it. You deserve a good life So go get it!!!

Ok Gymgirl then you have acquired skills to be independent, good for you. You need to find some outlets where you can meet healthier people who can offer you respect and be the type of person that is actually capable of appreciating you as a person. Also, you may find that if you attend some group ALCOA meetings and sometimes there are groups that meet where individuals can learn about Codepency and healing, that is helpful as well. You need to find someone who doesn't have addiction problems. Don't go to bars or clubs where this kind of person typically likes to hang out either.

I have to do it..it’s like I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s killing me.

Nope...no bars or clubs. I want someone who is going to be available for me..I can’t tell you how many texts have gone unanswered because he’s hungover..I can’t go through it anymore..want a sober guy

It will get better if you go no contact. You just had to stick to no contact and then this obsession will lessen and then will be gone. You can certainly do it. Stay strong. We are on here cheer for you. Go on chat on PC when you want to call him, it will keep you busy.

It is mature of you to realize you shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I think you're right. I wish you all the best.

yes, I’m going NC...it’s just causing me anxiety..

This is what your alcoholic parent did with you too, expected you to live around HER condition. This is a form of narcissistic abuse because alcoholism is a disease that has many selfish narcissistic aspects to it. An alcoholic is an individual that learns how to push buttons to get another person to mother them too. These individuals do not have adult skills, they tend to only have the maturity level of the age they began to escape facing challenges by drinking and drugging.

You simply cannot FIX a person like this, not your mother, not this ex bf. It's going to take stength for you to stay firm on your decision to keep this guy completely out of your life. It's going to be especially hard when you feel lonely. This is where doing charity work or joining some kind of social club can help because you will have an outlet you can socialize in and if you are caring, joining some kind of charity can be a place you can use your caring in a healthier way.

yes...he has the mentality of a 20 year old..I he wasn’t loved as a child and I’m codependent, so I get why..but I’ve got to overcome my codependency and stop attracting these toxic individuals..

Smart move. I gave up on the dating world around 39. It simply is that I cannot find a solid good guy pick. That isn't meaning to be man bashing but men over 29 imho change into something rotten in this day and age. Perhaps it was always this way. I came to the conclusion that an entire generation of men are simply not a benefit to my life and thus I would be insane to continue looking. Sure there might be some great diamonds in the rough that are hiding but the key word is... they are hiding. I am focusing on me because the other option just doesn't exist.

I don’t want to give up on finding love, but I don’t want to invest time in it. Better to just have friends and keep it that way..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 I don’t want to give up on finding love, but I don’t want to invest time in it. Better to just have friends and keep it that way..

Same. If love comes for me. Great. But I am done working on it.