Stressed over helping mom do technical tasks (memory loss & short attention span)

How do I get my 81 y/o mom (with short-term memory loss and a cantankerous side) to stop saying I'm "hounding" her when I constantly have to correct mental lapses? She has chronic anxiety and semi-serious panic attacks, which she has only recently acknowledged. This gets exacerbated by dealing with anything she sees as "complicated," namely computer tasks that she must do to manage finances.

Living several hundred miles away, with limited time to visit (4+ times a year), I do my best but she can't stay focused and keeps interrupting or changing the subject, so I have to raise my voice and repeat things insistently. In person it's easier than on the phone or w/remote screen-sharing, but not always by much. There are yelling matches where I just can't make logic sink in.

My sister lives several states away and doesn't deal with these technical tasks,. She still often sides with our mom when told I'm the one causing difficulties (see first paragraph). Mom has some sort of dementia but is lucid with past knowledge and trivia. She can't retain basic info, like when to use a specific menu or mouse button, no matter how many times I repeat it, and doesn't want to write her own instructions (keeps losing pieces of paper when she tries). Outsiders casually talking to her may not detect these extreme inabilities.

She also has a large rural property she can't manage without constantly hiring yard help, which adds to her anxiety. But she resists leaving for something smaller and I can't blame her for putting off a rest home. Her physical health is getting frailer but she can still drive, walk modest distances, cook, etc.

My sister is the type who's always "too busy" to do various things, so I'm stuck in a loop where I'm the fall guy and mom's true mental state isn't being taken seriously enough. I get into situations where it's like talking to a wall with both mom and sister. My sister is the type who wants everything to be "fine" so her time isn't too pressured. I call it denial and have trouble dealing with anyone who won't get to the point.

The subtleties of mom's personality (often irrational) are hard to describe here, so thanks for any general advice.

This isn't a situation where an outside entity can step in (yet) without making her anxiety worse.

You write your mother has dementia. Does she have a diagnosis? I ask this because often diagnosis can help with access to support agencies as well as medical support.

You are right to be concerned about her future but there are plans that can be put into place which will make things easier, especially as dementia progresses. For instance care and support does not have to mean giving up her independence and going residential home, it could mean support coming in to help with tasks, for a time at least.

I realise it must be frustrating for you but please don't take this as criticism when I say keeping calm and not losing patience is important. Always ask yourself if the thing you are stressing about is vitally important, often it isn't, taking a step back and breathing deeply can help as can picking your battles if you know what I mean.

I cared for my mother, in my home, who did have dementia, for a number of years. It is very important to know that nothing you will say or do can make her able to do/remember the things that she cannot, and things will get "worse", this is not behavioral but neurological. It really is best if you can develop a bit of humor (nothing mean) and a lot of patience, let the time go, don't worry too much in the moment, don't worry with your mother present.
If she has a health care power of attorney, it may need to be activated. She will need more assistance as time goes on. Maybe there is a 'senior center' or 'senior friend' or other program/assistance in her area that will not feel like someone coming in from outside. If she is doing 'OK' with you only coming 4 times a year, that is not bad. Maybe she was always anxious, whether that is true or not it is Normal with loss of abilities you once had, with dementia/changes in the brain/abilities) Reassurance is in order, even if it is a bit excessive.
If she doesn't have a power of atty it would be good to do that while she is capable.
I know it is hard but unless she is a danger to herself it is best if she is supported in whatever situation she wants to be in for now. It is not easy, believe me, I do know that. (and a peer support group for caregivers could be a real help for you, a place to let it all hang out and share stories with others...) Best luck!

If you're only visiting 4 times a year she is likely more compromised than you think. Stop correcting her, stop arguing with her. It will not help. If she cannot manage her finances by herself even with remote help, you need to take them over. It would still enable her to live by herself with relief from the anxiety of paying bills and worrying about them.

With dementia, people who don't live with the person often don't realize how far down their skills have gotten.

Check her refrigerator and pantry for expired food the next time you are there. Check for multiples of the same item. If you find either, she may be unable to manage that either. Is she still cooking for herself?

This is really sad and sounds like elder abuse if she is not getting the medical attention she needs and she is being blamed for her failing memory and anxiety. She should not be driving at this point, and there are options to have caregivers in the home who are trained to deal with patients like her and can keep her at home where she wants to be until she is ready to go to hospice. If you and your sister is all she has, then you both need to figure out how to care for her.

She may need to have someone with her that is hired.

If your mother is mentally declining she will not be able to keep up or learn new things and this will contribute to her feeling anxious and being irritable. Also, our technology has changed so much that it's hard for older individuals to constantly adapt to it all.

I can relate to some of what you are saying.

My mother has never wanted to have a computer, instead relying on me to find out information, order medication, fill in forms, etc. She doesn't have dementia, but often panics which causes confusion. Between us, we're trying to get help for her by receiving social care payments. Done one form, now waiting to complete another. Also reliant on me to take her to medical appointments.

Sometimes, she's very confused. When I get to the bottom of it, usually because she hasn't drunk enough water or eaten frequently (borderline type2 diabetic). She's freely admitted that food doesn't interest her, so keeps stalling when I offer to batch cook.

As for my brother, well he's not helped. I believe it's time to talk about lasting power of attorney, but dread raising subject with him because of his manipulative wife. He's always been her favourite, because he says the right things.

Get all the help you can. Many unofficial carers have health problems because of coping with these situations on their own. It's difficult not to lose your cool. The number of times I've bitten my tongue, should be full of holes!

AJ - call the Alzheimers Association 800 #. Ask them for assistance with your mother who sounds like she has dementia. You'll need to take her to a doctor appointment, have them do a memory test on her, so that the doctor can refer you and your sister to hire outside nursing assistance services (nurses will come over in shifts to do housework, grocery shop, laundry, give your mother her meds, bathe her, help her with her night time routine). Insurance will cover these services as long as you have her doctor's referral but your mother has to fail her doctor's memory test which is where the nurse will ask her random questions for 2 minutes.

I'm going to second what Winter4me said, if your mother gas some form of dementia we are talking neurological problems, not behavioral. She can't retain new info. She's likely unable to do some of things you are frustrated about.

When is the last time your mother had a complete physical? There are so many medical problems that can cause the symptoms you are describing. It would help to know the underlying cause.

If your mother is no longer able to tend to her finances you or you sister may have to take over her bill paying. Someone mentioned a power of attorney. If she doesn't have one it would be good to have one in place.

My mom had Alzheimers. It was tough, emotionally and physically. It must be even harder trying to deal with it from a distance

Sorry for the late reply, but getting her tested at this point runs into a brick wall, aka a vicious cycle.

The general advice of staying calm may be as good as it gets, since I'm not too old to be locked into a specific behavior in this context.

I think the humor angle is a good idea. It never fully occurred to me since so many of our conversations are edgy, leading to grimness and rehashing of old news. It will be up to me to do the changing.

As mentioned, she's lucid in some areas and clueless in others. I try to only correct her when it's critical for technical/finance reasons. No way to avoid that, but I agree I'll be the one who has to lighten up a bit and eat my pride.

No, it's hardly elder abuse (she is the one who throws tantrums). As I noted, a forum like this is too generic for answers about specific personalities that can only be known in person or w/videos.

Well put. My main question really comes down to how to "assertively" include outside help without making her completely agitated and resentful.

Treading that line is no sure thing. She just changes the subject when it comes to anyone making decisions but her. Sister many miles away is passive-aggressive (largely due to denial) about helping, even if she was close enough to be physically present more.

I'm really just waiting for some event to trigger a change, hoping it won't be a tough medical event. But again, the subtleties of the situation make that comment seem far too simplistic.

I live in a rural area but there is a senior center, they have a couple paid staff and numerous volunteers.

Since practically everything is paid on line nowadays they will help a person get those things set up or sit and help someone write out checks for bills. They also keep a pretty busy schedule of things to get together and do.. watching old movies, art projects, gentle exercise , lots of people to chat with, pizza parties etc the vast majority of people who try a setting like this enjoys it , breaks up the loneliness , does she have any friends to sorbs time with ?

I worked in elder care for years and honestly the best advice is to not argue or try to prove a point, you would do better to talk to a lightbulb.

Does she take medications? I’ll guess yes since practically everyone is on something, maybe she’s not taking them correctly ? That could cause confusion. Most drug plans cover getting pill packs where each day meds is in a throw away plastic packet, I know lots of young people using it because it’s simple.

There are also some medications that are not recommended if any signs of Alzheimer’s or other Dementia is present.

Maybe check her area and see if any places are around for her to maybe give it a whirl.

Maybe try to just have a chat with her, maybe a call to her out of the blue , talk about the weather or whatever, try to avoid anything that might upset her. If she does have Alzheimer’s most get “ Sun downers” late afternoon and evening is harder for them , more confusion or agitated. So maybe call in the morning??

It’s incredible hard to know a loved one isn’t doing well and dealing with possible dementia.

I hope you can find a way to help her and it not become hellish for you

As regards diagnosis, I really appreciate what you are saying about the brick wall and I think this is common. One thing some people find useful is to make an appointment to see the person's doctor themselves to discuss concerns. I have heard often doctors can then, depending on their relationship with the person, contact them for a 'general check up' but will be obviously looking for signs. Sounds a bit sneaky but sometimes a bit of sneakiness is required.

I am not sure how it is in the US but in the UK diagnosis is important for accessing services and support.

You sound like you are coming to terms with what is a pretty life changing illness for your mother, and you've had some great advice on here. You need support for yourself in order to support her, maybe you can check out carer support organisations in your area. Take care!