[Have Hope]

How does one accomplish not having any expectations of people anymore?

I am constantly disappointed in people. And that's because I have high standards in human behavior.

But then, what's wrong with having high standards? Well, my high standards are constantly being brought down to low standards because people constantly disappoint me.

I think much of the human race is kind of just well, below par.

I don't think I should expect much of people anymore. Maybe that would help. I believe in honesty, kindness, honor, integrity, strong morals, and strong standards. I think this is in fact rare amongst the general human race.

Maybe I'm just jaded. I think I am.

Maybe start with a narrowing concept of what to expect from people. everyone holds different values and means to obtain what they want. I hate to say this, but lowering expectations without lowering your standards may be in order. Question to ask myself is how to do that kindly, and without hurting anyone.

[Have Hope]

I like that... lowering expectations without lowering your standards. I am always kind, unless someone is unkind to me. Then I say things I later regret.

[divine1966]

I don’t think you should lower your standards. Sometimes just accepting reality is helpful.

I think most people are decent. Some aren’t. If these are strangers then I guess we just have to accept that it’s what it is and we cannot change them and luckily we don’t have to see them again. Just generally not worrying about strangers and what they do kind of helps.

I was recently rear ended in hit and run accident. Person literally hit me full speed and just drove away. Who does that? Maybe had drugs or gun in the car or was intoxicated or had no license and no insurance, so didn’t want to be stopped by police. Unfortunately people like this always existed and it’s just a reality.

If people you actually associate with are bad then you might need to be more selective who you surround yourself with. No I don’t recommend to have low standards

[Have Hope]

Ann bog had advised to lower expectations, not standards. There's a difference. I think we can maintain high standards in knowing that not all people can meet them. Which is what I think I need to do. I am idealistic in some ways, and I think that harms me, especially when it comes to dealing with other people.

So sorry about your hit and run. That happened to me last year, and it sucks because then you have to pay the deductible to get it fixed.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Ann bog had advised to lower expectations, not standards. There's a difference. I think we can maintain high standards in knowing that not all people can meet them. Which is what I think I need to do. I am idealistic in some ways, and I think that harms me, especially when it comes to dealing with other people.

So sorry about your hit and run. That happened to me last year, and it sucks because then you have to pay the deductible to get it fixed.

My insurance waves deductible because of hit and run. Luckily I pay nothing. Just aggravation
Thank you

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

My insurance waves deductible because of hit and run. Luckily I pay nothing. Just aggravation
Thank you

Well that's good at least! Spared you an amount you didn't have to pay for. Yes, it's most aggravating.

[LadyShadow]

I've felt this way about people for a good time now - so, you're not alone Hope. I hate to say this, but my solution was to close my circle and not put myself out there that much, which is a lonelier way of being, but I was less disappointed.

Lowering expectations without lowering your standards is a gold piece of advice, one of which I wish I heard years ago.

However, in an attempt to branch out more and be more social and open my circle again, I think I am having success with friendships because of my own self-being, meaning my own personality and my overall outlook on these connections.

Does that make sense?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

I've felt this way about people for a good time now - so, you're not alone Hope. I hate to say this, but my solution was to close my circle and not put myself out there that much, which is a lonelier way of being, but I was less disappointed.

Lowering expectations without lowering your standards is a gold piece of advice, one of which I wish I heard years ago.

However, in an attempt to branch out more and be more social and open my circle again, I think I am having success with friendships because of my own self-being, meaning my own personality and my overall outlook on these connections.

Does that make sense?

Yes, thank you, and that makes perfect sense. I feel like closing myself up right now as a result, but I know that won't do me any good. I just need to be very choosey.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes, thank you, and that makes perfect sense. I feel like closing myself up right now as a result, but I know that won't do me any good. I just need to be very choosey.

You know what, if you want to close your circle for a bit and just do you for a while, that's perfectly okay. Sometimes you need time alone to figure what you want and what people you want in your life- this is your journey, you have every right to be choosey.

[ArtleyWilkins]

The only person I have control over is myself. I've screwed up enough times in my life, (and I am a person of pretty high personal standards), to know that when I fall short, there are usually things going on that those around me don't realize and aren't living. I just hope they have the grace to forgive my fallibility and know that most of the time I get it right.

I get disappointed in people at times, but I also try to remind myself that I am not living their life. I probably don't know the whole story. So . . . not my circus; not my monkeys.

The times I have been most miserable in my life have been when I let my disappointment in others color my view of my world, and I realize now that I was giving those other people far too much power over my own vision of my world. So, I took my power back, and the first step is realizing the only person I can control is myself.

Sometimes I just have to take deep breaths and let it go. (Cue the Frozen music. LOL).

[TishaBuv]

I’ve been hit with disappointment for having any expectations at all. I’m baffled as to why, as this has come from my own family. I’m not being treated like the loved mama, even though I do all the things that are expected of one. It kills me to watch endless TV where the mama is loved, honored, protected and I am emotionally abandoned. I really don’t get why it’s happened to me.

What did I do wrong? And getting sensitive and depressed over it, and showing that to them was the worst thing I could do. It made them hate me rather than show their love to me more.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Denise27

I didn't blame people for disappointing me. I made it into my own fault... a result of my high expectations. And I am not a doormat, thanks. I have strong self worth and fought for years to develop it.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

The only person I have control over is myself. I've screwed up enough times in my life, (and I am a person of pretty high personal standards), to know that when I fall short, there are usually things going on that those around me don't realize and aren't living. I just hope they have the grace to forgive my fallibility and know that most of the time I get it right.

I get disappointed in people at times, but I also try to remind myself that I am not living their life. I probably don't know the whole story. So . . . not my circus; not my monkeys.

The times I have been most miserable in my life have been when I let my disappointment in others color my view of my world, and I realize now that I was giving those other people far too much power over my own vision of my world. So, I took my power back, and the first step is realizing the only person I can control is myself.

Sometimes I just have to take deep breaths and let it go. (Cue the Frozen music. LOL).

Thank you. I agree that the only person we can control is ourselves.

[poshgirl]

Agree with advice about lowering expectations, not standards. Your experiences are very similar to my own.

It's too easy to get irritated/annoyed with people who don't understand you or worse still, try to change you by their demeaning attitude. Totally agree that you're disappointed with how people behave today. What annoys me is the constant "dumbing down", instead of encouraging people to "raise their game".
Of course, this would take into account natural abilities.

There's a simple expression to remember "be yourself, everyone else is taken". This applies to so many aspects of your character. Academic ability, personality traits, hobbies/interests. For me the biggest problem is not feeling isolated because I'm different from close family and friends. Never, ever lower your standards.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Agree with advice about lowering expectations, not standards. Your experiences are very similar to my own.

It's too easy to get irritated/annoyed with people who don't understand you or worse still, try to change you by their demeaning attitude. Totally agree that you're disappointed with how people behave today. What annoys me is the constant "dumbing down", instead of encouraging people to "raise their game".
Of course, this would take into account natural abilities.

There's a simple expression to remember "be yourself, everyone else is taken". This applies to so many aspects of your character. Academic ability, personality traits, hobbies/interests. For me the biggest problem is not feeling isolated because I'm different from close family and friends. Never, ever lower your standards.

Thank you. I do have high standards for myself and others. And now I’m totally disappointed in myself for not meeting my own standards.

I definitely think if you lower your expectations but keep your standards where they are (high) then you will easily weed out the 'wrong' types of people whom you go to for guidance or support or friendship.

I think you should lower your own standards of yourself, because you are smart and know that perfectionism is the death knell to happiness. Perfectionism is when a person strives for high standards for themselves or others, despite the negative consequences. And there are always negative consequences with perfectionism.

For example, I used to think my value was only in what I could give to people. That's the pattern my perfectionistic and overbearing mother set for my siblings and myself. We were not taught that our value and self-esteem is internal. We were taught that our value and self-esteem were created externally. The whole reward and punishment system of discipline.

So, I grew up with this toxic-belief that my self-esteem and value came from feedback given to me by others based on how well I performed for others. That is one form of perfectionism. I would offer to do things for people hoping that would make them like me. I did that in kindergarten, elementary school, high school, college, and all of my adulthood. Do you know how long it took me to finally see that the people who liked me for doing things for them, didn't really want a real friendship from me.

A long time. Failed friendship after failed friendship. Failed romantic relationships. I basically wore my low-self esteem like a Prada label for everyone to see. So, the advantage takers used me, and the healthy people avoided me. I was like a thrift shop friend. I came used. Nobody wants to take that on. I know I don't. As terrible as it sounds. But I did. I took on thrifted friendships and romantic relationships, thinking if I helped them in some way, they'd like me for me. Never happened.

Had I prioritized myself (not in a self-serving way) and my needs over other people's, my life would look 100% different today. So, perfectionism if left unchecked, can literally ruin our own lives. We can't blame anyone else for it, because it's own our misguided projection that colors the way we interact with the world. No one is devoid of perfectionism. We all have it.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

I definitely think if you lower your expectations but keep your standards where they are (high) then you will easily weed out the 'wrong' types of people whom you go to for guidance or support or friendship.

I think you should lower your own standards of yourself, because you are smart and know that perfectionism is the death knell to happiness. Perfectionism is when a person strives for high standards for themselves or others, despite the negative consequences. And there are always negative consequences with perfectionism.

For example, I used to think my value was only in what I could give to people. That's the pattern my perfectionistic and overbearing mother set for my siblings and myself. We were not taught that our value and self-esteem is internal. We were taught that our value and self-esteem were created externally. The whole reward and punishment system of discipline.

So, I grew up with this toxic-belief that my self-esteem and value came from feedback given to me by others based on how well I performed for others. That is one form of perfectionism. I would offer to do things for people hoping that would make them like me. I did that in kindergarten, elementary school, high school, college, and all of my adulthood. Do you know how long it took me to finally see that the people who liked me for doing things for them, didn't really want a real friendship from me.

A long time. Failed friendship after failed friendship. Failed romantic relationships. I basically wore my low-self esteem like a Prada label for everyone to see. So, the advantage takers used me, and the healthy people avoided me. I was like a thrift shop friend. I came used. Nobody wants to take that on. I know I don't. As terrible as it sounds. But I did. I took on thrifted friendships and romantic relationships, thinking if I helped them in some way, they'd like me for me. Never happened.

Had I prioritized myself (not in a self-serving way) and my needs over other people's, my life would look 100% different today. So, perfectionism if left unchecked, can literally ruin our own lives. We can't blame anyone else for it, because it's own our misguided projection that colors the way we interact with the world. No one is devoid of perfectionism. We all have it.

Thanks, Blanche!

Yeah, I can see that my standards for myself are far too high, and that when I fall short of my own expectations, I get really really down on myself, in an unproductive way that is not good for my mental health and self esteem.

Seesaw pointed this out to me, and I see it very clearly now.

I wish I had a therapist right now, but I'm in between. I could really use some therapy over it... and for many issues I face for that matter. I've got to figure out how to allow myself to simply be human, a human who makes mistakes.

I never gave of myself in the way you're describing, but I've had self esteem issues that I've battled all of my life. It's a constant learning and growing process. I was very shy when I was young and walked in my sister's shadow. I didn't come unto my own until early adulthood, and that's when I finally gained greater self assurance... around the age of 18. But before that, I was in my sister's shadow, always wanting to be just like HER, and not ME.

Sounds like you're very self aware. That's amazing. I'm sure you've grown and learned a lot about people and relationships since then. Just be yourself.... always. and the right people will like you... the ones that are your kind of people, who click the best with you. That's what I've learned. HUGS

I can control only me. my standards work only for me. if I want to let others into my life and I find my expectations are limiting that, then I need to either examine and reevaluate my standards or the people I intend to befriend.

high standards and expectations are great but not if the bar is placed at such a high extreme that few meet the golden standard. then you end up complaining that your life might be empty.

you could keep the basics of your standards but accept the fact that not everyone wants to or has goals of meeting them. for example, I am my own person. spent many years developing my standards, goals, personality etc...I might be a great friend to you, but if you don't give me a chance and let me get my foot in (because I don't meet some level of approval) then you will miss out on our friendship. when I am in a relationship, my goals don't get sacrificed for another, but get joined together. you have to give people a chance.

take pride in yourself first. don't set the bar so high that it may automatically lead to failure. then you will always fail..give yourself a fighting chance. with it so high, you've set yourself up....

[Have Hope]

I’m only talking about behaviors from others that I would never do or exhibit: lying, doing immoral acts, doing things that shows no integrity of character, hurting people on purpose... lack of empathy... these kinds of things. Jerks are everywhere and I feel constantly disappointed. That’s mainly what I’m talking about.

[poshgirl]

HaveHope, how I can relate to your feelings.

Am surrounded by family who seem to think it's fun to belittle someone for having different interests/opinions to their own. My mother thinks it's fine to keep repeating the mantra "you're not always right" especially when she's been subjected to unacceptable behaviour by her sister and her son has openly lied to her. So, my lesson learned, when she says something off to me, I'll tackle straight away because if I save it, she denies ever making the comment.

I still feel great disappointment at my SIL's actions last year, even more so since she's not apologised. When I consider that behaviour in context with other family member's attitudes, it's not a surprise. Some reminded me of how much she and my brother had done for me. What they forget is how much I've done for them. Helping to pack for house move when my little niece was in hospital, helping with decorating at new house, helping at birthday parties. How convenient to have a memory lapse. SIL had nerve to tell me I was just like my mother and aunt; my answer was no, at least I can make a decision. Wonder what they'd make of her comment when she first arrived in our family "your mother and aunt do my head in".

So many people have said never lower your standards. Yes, you can feel isolated but you have the clear conscience!

stay away from them