[Twinmama831]

Please help. I am shaking as I write this. This morning my son (age 3) peed his pants. Weve been having trouble potty training him, where his twin sister is fully trained.

Possible trigger:

My husband takes my pants wet son, puts him in the bathroom, both are yelling, and my husband takes a large glass of water next to him and splashes it all over him because "he must like being wet". This isnt the worst part. He pins him down for yelling when soaked at this point and asks him if he wants to die today. I step in and grab my son away. My husband says to take him away, I said I need to stay in the kitchen/bathroom with him were soaked in water and pee. Well, he turns around and SPITS IN MY SONS FACE. I automatically saw red and when he turned hit my husband with my fist to the back of his head.

I said not to hurt my child. To leave. And he left for about 20 mins, is home now upstairs... I have nothing left to say.. I know the kids can be overwhelming but to disrepect or hurt him.. it hurt me. Husband threatened to call cops on me.. but I said do you realize what you just did to this house? As Im crying on the phone, my kids are now fighting and my son spit on my daughter... Im at a loss. Please give me some guidance.

[Be Still]

Oh my goodness! That is terrible, I am so very sorry. Does your husband have history with anger/short temper? If this is his reaction to a 3 year old I cannot imagine how he argues with you or the other kids. This is not an environment any child wants to grow up in. This is abusive behavior and it’s sickening and traumatizing the entire family.

What are your options of dealing with this? Does speaking to your husband about this work? Are you financially stable enough to temporarily separate (worst case scenario).?

Leave.

Kids can be overwhelming, and not everyone was meant for parenthood. If your husband reacts to a simple childhood accident with screaming, threats, and assault and battery, then he clearly lacks the emotional capacity to raise a child, let alone two of them. He's a liability to both you and your children.

[Twinmama831]

Yes, he has always had anger/temper issues. Hes a recovering addict, been clean off heroin for over 5 years. The other is my sons twin, so my girl is 3 also. We all get the wrath of it. Speaking to husband, I am always in the wrong and not doing enough. Very untrue, when I give my all to my family... I guess actually speaking never works because its same problems repeating... I am currently a stay at home mom, have been since pregnancy. My husband also likes control.

[Twinmama831]

Originally Posted by theoretical

Leave.

Kids can be overwhelming, and not everyone was meant for parenthood. If your husband reacts to a simple childhood accident with screaming, threats, and assault and battery, then he clearly lacks the emotional capacity to raise a child, let alone two of them. He's a liability to both you and your children.

Youre absolutely right, some people arent ment to be parents..

[Twinmama831]

I feel sick if I forgive this one. I know that if this situation was called on he would be removed and arrested. But hes going to act like I need to apologize to him for my action, and I never will. My children come first. I just wish it never made it to this point.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @Twinmama831: I am going to be perfectly blunt. This is not ok, it never is or should be. It is unacceptable. Since he has a history of anger issues and a hot temper, I doubt an incident like this is the only one or will be the only one. If he used the 12 steps to get clean then I assure you he is not acting sober. Clean and sober are very different things. Is there any chance at all that he is using again? I am amazed he threatened to call the police. He would be the one getting arrested for child endangerment or abuse. You were just protecting your child. Don't believe the threats. When it comes to children I draw the line. There is no walking back from abuse "mistakes". You dont get another chance. An abusive parents' apologies dont mean *****. The fact that they lost control like that is enough. He has/will cause trauma. Getting in the face of a toddler yelling....aside from the physical stuff can actually ruin your progress with potty training.

He obviously doesnt understand basic childhood behavior. Punishing toddlers is useless due to their ability to self reflect. All they do is associate fear with the behavior. And that causes shame. And your daughter is watching this and what kind of person do you expect her to date and be with if this is her example. I assure you with fathers and daughters that the relationship with their father forms their ideal of partners. I speak from experience. Other than my husband it was bad boy after bad boy. I took crap and abuse because it seemed "normal" I happened to have met and fallen in love with my gentle husband young so my choices were limited and short lived.
But I spent a lifetime caring what men thought of me and being a pleaser.
You need to leave him or ask him to leave. Would he hurt you if you told him to leave? if that is the case then you need a domestic violence escape plan. If you are interested in resources in your area for this tell me your state, even in a pm and I can gather some info for you.

Here's the 24-hour crisis hotline for battered women. Please call and set up an escape route to a battered womens shelter where you can go with your children.

Because he has conditioned you to be passive, this will be the most difficult action you take, because you'll feel like you are betraying him and betraying his connection to you as your husband. You may possibly be suffering from battered women syndrome.

It is extremely difficult for battered women to leave their abusive husbands because their abusive husbands have emotionally and physically abused their wives' to the point the wives are afraid to seek help for fear of being punished by the husband.

What you need to understand is this is a false belief conditioned in you, based on the repetitive, relentless abuse you've endured by your husband. So, you are not betraying your marriage or your husband by seeking help for yourself and your children by leaving him.

Once you make the phone call, an advocate will connect you to a local battered womens shelter where you and your children will be escorted to when your husband is not around.

The advocates will coach you through the entire escape process. It's scary, sure, but by escaping him, they will help you and your children get free and start your lives over away from your husband's abuse.

You cannot change him or help him. That is not your job. Your job, is to protect yourself and your children.

The shelter advocates you connect with locally will wait until your husband is gone and will come get you and your son and hide your location from him so that he cannot find you. That's how this system is set up to help abused women.

You have to decide if you want a life free of your husband's abuse and what that looks like to you.

24-Hour Crisis Hotline | Women In Distress

(954) 761-1133

The hotline is staffed by trained advocates and volunteers who focus on helping callers reach these following goals:

Ensure survivors are provided with appropriate services on the hotline and are connected to Residential and Outreach services.

Ensure prompt provision of appropriate referrals for callers to one of Women in Distress many community partners.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
A survivor’s first step to accessing Women In Distress’ services is to call our 24-hour crisis hotline (954-761-1133). An advocate will immediately answer the call and provide information about services and the next steps to keep the victim and their children safe. The family will be brought to shelter, if needed and available, or to counseling services at our Jim & Jan Moran Family Center.

After the initial call to the 24-hour crisis hotline, an advocate will greet the victim, assess their needs, provide resources, educate them on the dynamics of domestic abuse and assist with individual safety planning in order to encourage the victim to plan for a secure place if not in shelter.

Women In Distress focuses its efforts on providing an environment that will help survivors recover from the traumatic effects of victimization and develop an understanding and awareness of the dynamics of domestic violence. This is accomplished by empowering them to gain independence and self-sufficiency.

The services offered at Women In Distress are essential to helping survivors rebuild their lives after victimization. Our services also help them understand and participate in the criminal justice system, and provide them with safe shelter, if needed.

Through the empowerment method, we encourage our participants to freely choose the programs and services in which they wish to participate.

During the first critical days after participants begin seeking services at Women In Distress, the advocate will be with them as a support system, someone they can lean on as she or he begins a new life.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @Twinmama831: I am going to be perfectly blunt. This is not ok, it never is or should be. It is unacceptable. Since he has a history of anger issues and a hot temper, I doubt an incident like this is the only one or will be the only one. If he used the 12 steps to get clean then I assure you he is not acting sober. Clean and sober are very different things. Is there any chance at all that he is using again? I am amazed he threatened to call the police. He would be the one getting arrested for child endangerment or abuse. You were just protecting your child. Don't believe the threats. When it comes to children I draw the line. There is no walking back from abuse "mistakes". You dont get another chance. An abusive parents' apologies dont mean *****. The fact that they lost control like that is enough. He has/will cause trauma. Getting in the face of a toddler yelling....aside from the physical stuff can actually ruin your progress with potty training.

He obviously doesnt understand basic childhood behavior. Punishing toddlers is useless due to their ability to self reflect. All they do is associate fear with the behavior. And that causes shame. And your daughter is watching this and what kind of person do you expect her to date and be with if this is her example. I assure you with fathers and daughters that the relationship with their father forms their ideal of partners. I speak from experience. Other than my husband it was bad boy after bad boy. I took crap and abuse because it seemed "normal" I happened to have met and fallen in love with my gentle husband young so my choices were limited and short lived.
But I spent a lifetime caring what men thought of me and being a pleaser.
You need to leave him or ask him to leave. Would he hurt you if you told him to leave? if that is the case then you need a domestic violence escape plan. If you are interested in resources in your area for this tell me your state, even in a pm and I can gather some info for you.

Good post. I agree. TwinMama,

[Have Hope]

Can you call the police? He threatened your child by asking him “do you want to die?” I would take your children and leave ASAP for their safety and well-being. Do not wait a second longer.

[Twinmama831]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Can you call the police? He threatened your child by asking him “do you want to die?” I would take your children and leave ASAP for their safety and well-being. Do not wait a second longer.

How long do I have to call police? He is an overnnight worker and sleeping right now upstairs, I want to ask him to stay in his mothers house for now while shes out of town another week.. I feel if that goes south I will have no other choice but call the police to have him leave and it breaks my heart. Someone nailed the battered woman sydrome on the head for me. Yes.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Get away from this man immediately. Call a crisis hotline, find a shelter, do whatever it takes to remove yourself and your children from this abusive situation.

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

How long do I have to call police? He is an overnnight worker and sleeping right now upstairs, I want to ask him to stay in his mothers house for now while shes out of town another week.. I feel if that goes south I will have no other choice but call the police to have him leave and it breaks my heart. Someone nailed the battered woman sydrome on the head for me. Yes.

Reread my post and call that hotline ASAP.

[divine1966]

Take your kids immediately and go to local police station. File a report and call domestic abuse shelter from there, police csn hell you to make a report. Don’t go back.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

How long do I have to call police? He is an overnnight worker and sleeping right now upstairs, I want to ask him to stay in his mothers house for now while shes out of town another week.. I feel if that goes south I will have no other choice but call the police to have him leave and it breaks my heart. Someone nailed the battered woman sydrome on the head for me. Yes.

I don't know how long you have, but you should go to the police ASAP, take the kids and leave the house like right now. Go straight to the police station. Your husband is not right in the head, he is most abusive, and your children are in danger of harm.

[Open Eyes]

A child should not live in FEAR of a parent. A parent should NEVER threaten a child's life like that. A child can get traumatized from this kind of abuse and develop PTSD.

What are you going to do, wait for your husband to punch your little child next time instead of spit at him?

Have you read about childhood emotional neglect and how the affects from that can last the individual's entire life?

YES!! little boys can take longer and can pee their pants and wet their bed. PATIENCE is required, not spitting at them, dumping water on them, and threatening their life. And this little boy is mimicking his father by spitting at his sister? That is not good AT ALL.

It's time for you to take action even though it's scary for you to do so.

[nicoleflynn]

Please don't become a statistic (being beaten or murdered). He is not going to stop terrorizing you and these innocent children.

I agree with the other posters; take your children and leave the house; go to the police or hospital and someone should be able to find a place or shelter.....Do not do it while he is there (he will try to stop you), or if he does get violent do....take the children out of the h ouse;.... Is there a way to make a call to the police when he is asleep or not around? You can tell the police you need to leave and are in fear for yourself and your children; they can come and give you a safe escort.

every community/county has a safe house. contact the police and go to it. you will be safe. file a complaint if you can..but be safe.

before you can make any big decisions, you need to get some deep calm breaths, and so do your kids.

[RockyRoad007]

If you don't leave, you're the problem, not him!

If you can't leave for yourself, do it for your children. Your son could grow up to be an abuser, and your daughter could be in abusive relationships. After all, this is what will be modeled to them if you stay.

The chances are either or both you and your husband grew up in dysfunctional homes.

Break the cycle now, while they are young. Give yourself and your children and grandchildren a chance at happiness.
If you stay with this man, the cycle continues, and everyone is robbed of happiness, and that's on you.

I apologize for pontificating, but I grew up in a dysfunctional home, and I still suffer the effects of it (and I'm 60!). They don't have a choice of staying in an abusive home. You do. And your choices affect them the most.
If you want to stay, then do. But don't subject small children to that horrendous choice. Send them somewhere loving to live. Somewhere where they will at least have a chance.

[RockyRoad007]

OK. I got my strong feelings out and I apologize for my harshness in my previous post.

I will continue on now with a little more compassion.
As so many posters have stated, contact an abuse hotline. The national number has been listed.
If you do this, you will have a lot of support to move on. They can help you apply for government assistance if needed, and also for child support where it is set up that he pays the government program and not you. They will chase him down if he doesn't pay, garnishee his wages, take any tax return etc. All on your behalf.

They can help you deal with your fears, not only of him, but how you can financially make it on your own. One of the biggest reasons women stay in abusive relationships is financial and also deep seated insecurity/low self esteem. And those fears can be real. But there is help. Reach out.

I wish you the very best, and my desire for you is that you can find your inner strength to make any hard choices you may have to make.

Please read this blog, Twinmama about why battered spouses don't leave their abusers. Both men and women can experience abuse from a spouse.

Battered Spouse Syndrome: Why Victims Don’t Leave | Thought Catalog

As the cycle of abuse continues, the victim falls deeper into a learned mentality of helplessness and hopelessness. They eventually become brainwashed into thinking a combination of things: They deserve the abuse, that no one else will have them, they have no other place to go, or that things will get better if they can just work it out. Many victims stay simply in fear of being retaliated against if they decided to leave.

Often times, abusers will have manipulated all of the power and resources away from their victim, adding to the feeling helplessness. They start to think that they need to be with their abuser because they have no way of living and supporting themselves otherwise.

[poshgirl]

I totally agree with other posters, you have to get out for your children's and your safety. This man does not deserve a second, third etc chance just because he has issues. Assaulting a child or adult is totally unacceptable.

Am no expert on potty training, but listening to others' experiences there are no set times and can even have "accidents" when seven years old. Some boys can take longer to be dry than girls. Anxiety of upsetting his father isn't helping your son be successful. Even children of their ages pick up on these things.

[Twinmama831]

Update: Everything hit the fan when he woke up. I got angry he wasnt speaking and said I was taking the children with immediate family for dinner. When he repeatively asked who, he knew it was my mother, whom he hates. He went and grabbed a hammer from the tool box, and said he was calling police. When he came through with the hammer, I didnt know if he was going for me or the door. I panicked. My mom and her boyfriend were parked around the corner but I dialed 911 because of his threats, I hung up. They call back and my husbands in the background saying Im free to go wherever, when I KNOW he was going to smash up my mothers car (or worse). (He has damaged a friends car of mine years ago with a round weight...that was PFA #2 I had.)He called his father, his father came down knowing police coming. (Later on he says I betrayed trust for calling...) They took their time. The police show up and I explained it. The whole story. My whole day. As long as we were "okay" and he didnt swing at me it was "fine"... the trooper also has twins and has worked overnights and short tempers I guess.. my mom was very upset and was asked to leave when they did The cop actually reccommended my husband put a PFA on my mother... I'm at a loss. Im so conditioned to this, I am from a broken home, my homes broken.. and all my husband wants to blame yesterday on was my mother. He doesnt even see what he did to our son it seems.

[Have Hope]

Hon, he is NOT going to see what he did was wrong. There is no reasoning with someone like this. Either you leave OR you stay and put up with the abuse towards you AND your children. Everyone here is advising you to leave for the safety of yourself and your own children.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

Update: Everything hit the fan when he woke up. I got angry he wasnt speaking and said I was taking the children with immediate family for dinner. When he repeatively asked who, he knew it was my mother, whom he hates. He went and grabbed a hammer from the tool box, and said he was calling police. When he came through with the hammer, I didnt know if he was going for me or the door. I panicked. My mom and her boyfriend were parked around the corner but I dialed 911 because of his threats, I hung up. They call back and my husbands in the background saying Im free to go wherever, when I KNOW he was going to smash up my mothers car (or worse). (He has damaged a friends car of mine years ago with a round weight...that was PFA #2 I had.)He called his father, his father came down knowing police coming. (Later on he says I betrayed trust for calling...) They took their time. The police show up and I explained it. The whole story. My whole day. As long as we were "okay" and he didnt swing at me it was "fine"... the trooper also has twins and has worked overnights and short tempers I guess.. my mom was very upset and was asked to leave when they did The cop actually reccommended my husband put a PFA on my mother... I'm at a loss. Im so conditioned to this, I am from a broken home, my homes broken.. and all my husband wants to blame yesterday on was my mother. He doesnt even see what he did to our son it seems.

STop TRYING to reason with him. He doesn't care what you think. He is dangerous. When you are living with abuse, it is difficult to see how terrible it is; it is literally brainwashing. Can you stay with your mom? How will you forgive yourself if he injures or kills your children. If he kills you, what will happen to your children. ?Does he have guns? You re the only thing standing between the abuser and your children. They are helpless. You CAN find the courage to save yourself and your children. It is like your house is on fire, and you are waiting for it to stop; it wont. I, too came from a broken home and divorced an abuser. What if he takes a hammer to you or your children? If you stay, someone is going to be injured or dead (one reads stories like that every day). Iunderstand your fears, but you cannot let them stop you from saving your children and yourself...you are all living in a war zone with a raging "animal." Abusers need control; that is why it is so dangerous when you leave, and why yu need an escape plan to stay safe...Police can come to your house and escort you to safety. PLEASE don't wait any longer to leave.....This is an emergency situation; stop trying to reason or explain to him; he is full of rage and won't stop. .