I really need help

I have a friend who I've been extremely close with the past few months. Emotionally speaking. I wrote about him before here, feeling like he was turning into a pseudo / faux boyfriend.


I am really worried that he IS a pseudo boyfriend now, and I also feel that I am experiencing things around him like insecurity. I am often insecure around guys I date.


I just want this to stop. Maybe I should tell him I need a break. But I don't want to be impulsive. And I do not know if I want to explain to him whats going on inside me.


I think the feeling may be coming from the fact that we are SO close, and it has become clear to me that he is incapable of any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. He said as much, and I believe him. But I am in a place....where....it's funny...I don't know. I want cuddles and closeness. With Someone. It doesn't have to be him. And actually, I'd prefer it not be. But I'm getting feelings anyway. And at first, it was because he was THERE. But now I just feel so insecure. Like I want him there. And he's not. I want someone there.

I've been lonely. And with this Covid-19 stuff, I've been more isolated. This weekend, I tried to get away from him. I told him I couldn't hang out this weekend. But I ended up texting back and forth with him a little, anyway.


I do not feel like I can handle this right now. These feelings. I do not like the feelings that are coming up for me. A deep discomfort and insecurity around this issue. And I wish I could just "think about it differently." I'm not there yet though. I've done DBT, but not CBT.


I need support. I need advice. I need a hug.

Does it make sense to back off? Maybe even for a while? I think I'd need to fill my time and mind with other things instead of him. Like, I'd need to make a plan.


One thing that I was thinking when I messaged him this weekend was "I want to be around the people I love during this stupid Covid-19" (I just mean friends and family, not romantic, but he's a person I do care dearly about and I worry about him even). I've also, like I said, been isolated, and lonely. This is so hard.


I hope it makes sense to the ppl reading this that I've developed feelings, don't want anything, he's incapable anyway, which triggers my insecurity. I just think I need to get away from him. Does this also make sense? I'm finding myself wanting to be closer (not sexually, but emotionally) and I don't want to get hurt. I think the healthy thing to do would be to distance big time. Maybe even tell him I need to distance myself.


I had a pseudo boyfriend before. I didn't know thats what it was then. But I got hurt pretty bad. I don't want that again.


Thanks for listening. I hope someone can help.

Hi WovenGalaxy, I am sorry that I don't know your history so I am just going to say what this might be.

Sometimes this kind of challenge stems from either not having a father figure growing up, and other times having one that you never experienced a true closeness with.

Does that ring any bells for you?

Open Eyes, I'd like to know why my history is important to you to know. How will that help you help me?

And what are you referring to when you say "this kind of challenge"?

Does it make sense to distance myself from this person, was my question.

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to get some space from your friend until you sort your feelings out or until things at least calm down with the virus and you don’t have to be as isolated. Keeping some distance from him isn’t wrong at all and makes sense to me. Trust your guts. Your guts tell you to get some distance from him, so follow that.

Wanting to be close to someone is very normal. If you know he isn’t the right person for that, getting some distance from him makes total sense

Thank you.

I am so sorry You're struggling so much, @WovenGalaxy! I COMPLETELY agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters. Definitely back off if You feel like You need to do that. It doesn't have to last forever... You can always explain to Him that it is just temporary. Wanting affection is a perfectly normal human desire, but be careful in rushing Your decisions because of it! Take your time. Try to practice self-care and to dedicate some time to yourself. We are all here for You if You need some support and I am REALLY happy You have some friends as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @WovenGalaxy, ALL of Your Family, ALL of Your Friends, This Friend of Yours and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fightign and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

MickeyCheeky, thank you as always for your support and kindness. Sending hugs right back to you too!

The reason I asked you the question about your history is because sometimes it really comes from a lack of closeness in one's history that is the origin of the insecurity and the confusing gut feelings.

Often a person gets involved with someone because there is something that is familiar. Familiar may very well be something unhealthy or not right for the person.

It's surprising how often that happens. So, I was just wondering if this is coming from something you may not realize about yourself yet.

Thanks for clarifying, Open Eyes. You may be on to something. But if I write more, it'll be a novel, and I also have more questions for you. Im Good for now w not getting into it deeply. Can't at the moment. This is, after all a message board. However, if you have info or links you may want to share w me here, I'm open to that.

Ps: Open Eyes, why do you use the term "confusing gut feelings" with me and my situation?

Also can you explain your take on someone's current insecurity and how to relates to lack of closeness in their past?

I'm just confused by what you mean.

Just as a note: I'm aware of attachment styles theory. Mine would be anxious (somewhere on the spectrum), and working toward secure.

Do you think it will be healthy to continue being around someone you know you are developing feelings for yet you know is incapable of returning those feelings? That is basically what you've described.

I think your instincts on this are dead on. You know that by continuing to be around or otherwise communicate with him that you are encouraging the feelings that you have for him, which he cannot return. I would distance myself. If you aren't able to manage and set aside any romantic feelings easily and maintain a platonic friendship, then distance is a good instinct to follow.

You seem to have a lot of insight into your behavior and feelings and what will be good for you or not good for you. I'd follow that insight. And I agree that now is a time to focus your time with loved ones. Hope this helps.

Yes, I understand that you don't want to sit and write me a novel.

I have sat and listened to so many different individuals talk about their relationships and share so many things about relationship challenges.

I am also amazed at the kind of relationships some choose to engage in too. Often the individuals decribe being treated badly and talk about how they often believe the problem is theirs. Often what it really boils down to is how they have such a low sense of self worth.

Then by listening some more, the person was never close to their father and they talk about how their parents behaved towards each other and often the father was mean to their mother or them. So the truth is, a lot of people really do not know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. Yet, most want to feel loved, feel safe, feel appreciated and be able to have someone they can bond with in a healthy way.

First of all, the relationship you are describing is not something you feel is a good match for you. You like this guy but you don't experience anything deep other than him being friendly and somewhat nice. Well, it's really OK if you don't feel he is the right match for you. And if the last relationship ended badly, well, that was not the right match for you either.

Sometimes, the relationship our parents had isn't the kind of relationship that is going to be what we ourselves want. And often the relationship we had or did not have with our father isn't something that is right for us either. It actually takes time to find a person that is a good match for us.

If a father was not close, was not warm and kind, it doesn't mean we don't deserve to experience that kind of realtionship with someone. It sounds like you want to have a warm relationship but you just have not found the right man to have that with. And that's ok you don't have to settle.

THANK YOU!!!! Thank you seesaw. You hit the nail on the head for me.

I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow. I want to do this right (not hurtful to him) and also protect myself.

Glad I could help! And I agree, you don't want to hurt him. But you also don't want him to inadvertently hurt you. If he cares about you at all, even as a friend, he'll understand.

Hi Open Eyes. Yes I understand this about parents and relationships, as well as my own parents and how I developed.

Its funny. This guy is actually very kind. And I didn't go into it, the friendship, wanting anything more or thinking I'd develop feelings. I still don't want anything more. But I have developed some feeling, as much as I don't want to admit it. Seesaw and divine are right. And I am right to trust my own insight and instincts.

Thank you for your support and thoughts OE.

Thanks. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him why I'm going to distance myself. I don't think I'm comfortable with him knowing I've developed feelings. He may be then confused and upset. But I will be as kind as I can. He may ask. He may try to guess. I dunno. I will talk to him tomorrow.

Would it be okay to tell him I need distance at this time and not tell him why? I'm not comfortable telling him why. But I don't want him to be hurt either.

I think if he is a close friend, he might want to know. If a close friend told me he wanted to distance himself and didn’t say why, I’d be taken aback thinking I did something wrong. But I also understand not feeling comfortable. What a dilemma...

I'm always a fan of the truth. I know it's not easy. What would you say if you dont tell him why?

I think it's ok if you need to distance. You don't have to get into the why.

I think it's thoughtful of you to not want to hurt his feelings. Yet, you want to find someone nice like this that is ready to have a relationship with you.

We've been close friends for about 6 months. I will probably get advice from my T beforehand. I may say the truth as much as I can. That it is all me. Its my issue, I think he's great, I'm not comfortable giving out more details at this time but its 100% me and what's going on with me.

We just talked.

I don't feel like talking here right now.

But thank you for the support.

((((((((WovenGalaxy)))))))))