[ZazaJ]

Hi,


I'm married to a great guy. I have a depression that comes and goes.


From early in our relationship, I found his communication style aggressive and abusive. I tried to raise it a few times, but he said it was all in my head because of depression and because I dont know how to have a healthy confrontation (agree with last part).


Is it possible that even though I feel emotionally abused, it's not actually an abuse?


I feel very confused.

[CANDC]

hi ZazaJ. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you feel you are in an abusive relationship and they deny your feelings. This could be a yellow flag.

The following articles may be of interest 21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

5 Tips To Escape An Abusive Relationship
@CANDC

[divine1966]

If you are unhappy and feel abused, then that’s what matters. Personally I don’t care what others find acceptable from a partner. If it’s wrong for me, then that’s what matters. You don’t need to stay with someone you find to be aggressive even if he thinks it’s in your head.

[Bill3]

From early in our relationship, I found his communication style aggressive and abusive. I tried to raise it a few times, but he said it was all in my head because of depression and because I dont know how to have a healthy confrontation (agree with last part).

He sounds dismissive and invalidating of your thoughts. What effort (if any) has he made to understand your perspective, what effort (if any) has he made to change so as to address your concerns?

[Open Eyes]

I have found that a person can be on the aggressive side, take over too much and then tends to respond with deflection and turning the problem on you often are individuals who have a problem with alcohol. Is your husband an alcohol drinker?

it's a complicated issue.

i can feel abused by another person's actions or beliefs. based on my background etc..something might trigger me more then you. andf I could consider it abusive.

however, I could also be that person who torments you and pulls all your trigger points just because I know it bothers you.

goes both ways.

[TishaBuv]

I’ve been told “You’re too sensitive.” I responded, “You’re too mean.”

If they are too caustic for you, then it’s not a good combination. Maybe someone else will just love their abuse!

[Britedark]

Hi ZazaJ!

While I agree with the others, I am interested to know a little bit more about you (if you are comfortable with it).

You said in your post that your husband is a 'great guy'. Can you please elaborate on this? Does this mean that he is usually just fine, but can get aggressive during arguments?

Are you suffering from depression since before or after your marriage? Are you seeing a therapist or doctor for it?

I am not a psychologist, and I don't know if I can be of any help to you. But I do want to understand you and your situation.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

From early in our relationship, I found his communication style aggressive and abusive.

Is it possible that even though I feel emotionally abused, it's not actually an abuse?

What I like about this video is that he talks about how that being manipulated requires us to need others approval. If we love ourselves in a healthy way, we will eventually figure out how to have proper boundaries or walk away.

I also think some males can be more aggressive and competitive than some females; perhaps it is both a cultural and innate thing. Also, many people can be a bit narcissistic without being a full blown narcissist--my POV is that in many jobs in our culture, if you aren't a bit narcissistic, you are unlikely to succeed. Some people use manipulation as a tool and when it doesn't work they use other techniques. Some of us have to educate ourselves to not to be suckers (not saying you are but I know there have been times that I have been a total sucker to manipulation).

Anyways, my advice is learn to have kind but firm boundaries and when things don't feel right between you and your husband, tell him that you need time to yourself, that you won't allow him to talk to you like that, etc. He might be upset when you say it but if he loves you than he will accept your boundaries once he gets used to them. Good luck with your confusion from someone who has spent much of her life in confusion.

[poshgirl]

This is a complex issue.

He may feel unable to cope with your problem so uses the only way he knows to try and deal with it, not realising it could be construed as abusive. If he's open to learning more, then that would be good. However, professional help would be better for him to understand his actions and what happens to you. If he refuses then he considers his behaviour normal.

It's true that one person's interpretation of abuse is not necessarily the same for another. Whilst physical abuse leaves obvious signs, psychological/emotional not so.

Good luck!

[winter4me]

I wonder why you start by saying he is a "great guy"...

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

Hi,


I'm married to a great guy. I have a depression that comes and goes.


From early in our relationship, I found his communication style aggressive and abusive. I tried to raise it a few times, but he said it was all in my head because of depression and because I dont know how to have a healthy confrontation (agree with last part).


Is it possible that even though I feel emotionally abused, it's not actually an abuse?


I feel very confused.

It's called gaslighting when you confront the abuse, and they turn it into something else which makes you question your own sense of reality. He also turned the problem around onto YOU, which is emotional abuse.

Typically, if you suspect it's abuse, it most likely is abuse. And from the little you described, it is abuse.

[nicoleflynn]

Verbal abuse are words which make you feel less about yourself. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life, and I believe should be read by everyone on the planet. Abuse is rampant in our Country. Trust your feelings. Abusers never take responsibililty for their behavior and try to make you feel that YOU are wrong. you can google verbal abuse and it will open your eyes. xo

[LilyMop]

I think in this case it might be helpful to talk very honestly with a counselor if you can or with trusted friends. Your feelings matter and if you don’t feel good about how you’re being treated then there’s a good reason for that.

[Open Eyes]

What stuck out for me is when you mentioned how you can go along being fine for a while and then struggle with feeling depressed. Often this can take place if you are dealing with an individual that actually has you living around their cycles. This is often what can present when the other person is a binge alcoholic and never actually worked through their own issues but instead began to self medicate to avoid their own issues and insecurities. A typical red flag is what you described in how you struggle and then when you say something you end up with deflection of what you point out, then the partner makes it about YOUR faults and even accuses you of not being able to handle conflict or even being passive aggressive. Sometimes the so called "great guy" has a problem you are not seeing clearly and as I mentioned, it could be due to something like a drinking problem that you may not be seeing. A lot of people often miss that problem. That is what I experienced with my so called "great guy". Surprisingly, this happens a lot more than people realize so that is why I am asking you if there is some of that taking place in your relationship. It's often something that is overlooked.

[ZazaJ]

Thank you all very much for responding and weighing in.


I'm at the very beginning of this discovery, so I'm feeling very confused. I'm still in disbelief. I don't want it to be truth.

He doesn't drink - digestive issues.


Why he's a great guy? He's all I ever wanted... He loves me. He's very family oriented. He's always trying to make our lives better. He takes care of a lot of things around the house. He's not spending time watching sports or going out with his friends. He's very well liked. He makes me laugh. We have similar values. ... so he's perfect


... and I'm not.

[ZazaJ]

I've had depression before we met. I didn't understand that at the time. After we started dating, he suggested that I try therapy. And he actually found a therapist for me. I have new therapist now, whom I found myself, and I'm quite happy with her.


Though now we are more focused on the relationship than depression.


In a way, my depression is helping me to maintain my sanity through the emotional rollercoaster.

[ZazaJ]

I'm not perfect... what I mean by this is that I never measure up to his expectations. The list is exhaustive... He actually told me and I have a list of all the things that need improvement...


I feel that he loves me and I hope that it all comes from a place of love, like "I believe in you and you can be better ". Maybe he doesn't realize that his best intentions are hurting me and make me feel like he's controlling almost all aspects of my life. I've become very resentful and sensitive about anything that feels like control by him

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

Thank you all very much for responding and weighing in.


I'm at the very beginning of this discovery, so I'm feeling very confused. I'm still in disbelief. I don't want it to be truth.

He doesn't drink - digestive issues.


Why he's a great guy? He's all I ever wanted... He loves me. He's very family oriented. He's always trying to make our lives better. He takes care of a lot of things around the house. He's not spending time watching sports or going out with his friends. He's very well liked. He makes me laugh. We have similar values. ... so he's perfect


... and I'm not.

He's not perfect since he is emotionally and verbally abusive towards you.

The reasons you list have nothing to do with his character, how he treats you, or how he treats other people. The reasons you list are mostly surface level reasons to admire or respect someone.

How he treats you..... is that how you would treat him? With verbally aggressive behavior? You may both be family oriented, and perhaps that's why you feel you share similar values, yet many people are family oriented but are not abusive.

Sounds like you hold him on a pedestal yet look down on your own self. Why is that?

It seems like you're looking at this relationship through a colored lens that is influencing your perspective.

If he's not treating you the way you want and deserve to be treated, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

I'm not perfect... what I mean by this is that I never measure up to his expectations. The list is exhaustive... He actually told me and I have a list of all the things that need improvement...


I feel that he loves me and I hope that it all comes from a place of love, like "I believe in you and you can be better ". Maybe he doesn't realize that his best intentions are hurting me and make me feel like he's controlling almost all aspects of my life. I've become very resentful and sensitive about anything that feels like control by him

He is telling you a list of things you need to improve about yourself? And you're buying into this list?

That IS controlling behavior on his part. Not only that, but it's demeaning and demoralizing. It's making you feel badly about yourself. He should love you just as you are, not as how he wants you to be.

[TishaBuv]

What would he say and do if you told him you have no intentions of making any changes on his list?

[ZazaJ]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What would he say and do if you told him you have no intentions of making any changes on his list?

As he is very frustrated by lack of improvements... my fear is that it'll be the end of our relationship since "I don't make any effort "

[ZazaJ]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

I feel that he loves me and I hope that it all comes from a place of love, like "I believe in you and you can be better ". Maybe he doesn't realize that his best intentions are hurting me and make me feel like he's controlling almost all aspects of my life. I've become very resentful and sensitive about anything that feels like control by him

Thank you all! Verbalizing my feelings and thinking about your replies made me realize the above. This fits into his personality... I want to talk to him about it in that specific key. I really need to try.


And if I'm mistaken, then my heart will break as it will mean that he's manipulating and controlling on purpose.


I hope with all my heart for the best.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ZazaJ

Thank you all! Verbalizing my feelings and thinking about your replies made me realize the above. This fits into his personality... I want to talk to him about it in that specific key. I really need to try.


And if I'm mistaken, then my heart will break as it will mean that he's manipulating and controlling on purpose.


I hope with all my heart for the best.

When you talk to him, just don't expect him to admit to doing anything on purpose.

He may also turn it around on you again, just as he's done before, and he may try to make you think it's YOU and your depression talking.

IF he does that, look up the term "gaslighting", which is a form of abuse and an abuse tactic.

He also most likely will deny being controlling of you in any way, as all abusers do.

It may break your heart, but it will also be eye opening to you how he responds. The more you can educate yourself on abuse tactics and the abusive personality traits, the better off you will be and the more objective you can be about this.

Hugs to you.

[Open Eyes]

((Zaza)), it's very possible that your husband really loves you and is not trying to abuse you at all. I think that is often the first go to with people when that's not really what is taking place.

When I listen to you, you look at him like he is so perfect and you are the unworthy one. That is the depression in you talking. Often the so called "perfect" guy/gal is concentrating more on some "ideal" of what perfect is and they unknowingly begin to actually stress when their partner doesn't engage in their perfect ideal. Your reactions are actually normal for someone who is somehow not "perfect" enough to "keep up with the Jones".

Depression is often actually a form of anxiety caused by stress. A feeling that anything you end up doing or saying isn't going to "measure up" somehow. Other people often don't really understand what this feels like either, they typically tend to go by how THEY feel and function. I think your husband needs to be better educated in how some of his expectations of you can contribute to you feeling inadequate and depressed. Feeling as though you don't clean your house well enough, well, the fact that you even do some house cleaning is a positive. It's really not the big deal so many make it out to be either. You actually deserve to feel like you can have things the way YOU like too. Actually, sometimes a so called perfectionist can actually be a bit OCD and not even know it. It's actually perfectly OK if a house looks "lived in".

Often the "I believe in you and you can be better" needs to be "I understand you feel presured to be something I consider the ideal" and "I love you and am going to look at the things I say that contribute to your struggling with feeling inadequate". Often it's really more a matter of being eduated and having more awareness.

I don't want you to just assume you are dealing with some kind of abuser. That is NOT always the real problem. Often, instead it can be a lack of awareness that can be improved on.