Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Bill3 · May 15, 2020 at 07:06 AM

Well iirc you wrote previously that he said that if you brought up couples counseling then the marriage is over.

Therefore this sounds like a positive step to me,

Not the goal but towards it.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Well iirc you wrote previously that he said that if you brought up couples counseling then the marriage is over.

Therefore this sounds like a positive step to me,

Not the goal but towards it.

You're right. I do need to remember that. Thank you for the reminder.

That is a positive. He could have easily said it's over then.

TishaBuv · May 15, 2020 at 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Thanks Bill.

The problem though is he said he doesn't have a problem. I wish I had said "yes you do have a problem", but he quickly offered that if it happens again he will get professional help.

You could say something like, ‘When you yell at me it triggers my PTSD, gets me very upset and angry, and I just can’t live with this.’

This softens the blame, forcing him to admit he has a problem. You are just stating the fact that you are too sensitive to his yelling and it’s unacceptable.

I’m glad he agreed to counseling!

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You could say something like, ‘When you yell at me it triggers my PTSD, gets me very upset and angry, and I just can’t live with this.’

This softens the blame, forcing him to admit he has a problem. You are just stating the fact that you are too sensitive to his yelling and it’s unacceptable.

I’m glad he agreed to counseling!

Yes, I could say that, and thanks Tisha. I think the subject is going to be dropped for now between us though.

Yes, he agreed to counseling....... but, a woman on an abuse forum on Facebook just told me that I am teaching my husband how to keep me engaged.

But what the heck does that mean? I am not teaching him anything except that he cannot mistreat me.

I still plan on giving an ultimatum at some point, though the scenario has now changed.

If and when this happens again, and IF he cannot admit he has a problem to me, I will have to tell him that I am leaving him. I refuse to go to therapy with him if he refuses to acknowledge HIS problem. Because otherwise, I can see him trying to turn this all around into ME being the problem in our marriage and manipulating the therapist. I refuse to go through that.

TishaBuv · May 15, 2020 at 09:15 AM

Does your husband disagree that yelling is a problem? Maybe he grew up with it and thinks it’s normal. What matters is, it’s a problem FOR YOU. Surely he can’t deny that.

I’ve suffered greatly from my reaction to my issue with my husband. I’m on meds now and been diagnosed with (varying) things.

The marriage counseling mostly concluded my husband is very anxious and I have emotional dysregulation, based on how intensely I reacted to our problem (which I disagree is dysregulation due to it happening over and over for years.). It was maddening.

Even through all the dysfunction, I had so many reasons to stay.

You are in a much more independent position. You shouldn’t have to put up with misery.

I shouldn’t have put up with misery either, but I fear I did my part because I must really have a disorder. I’m not sure, and this makes me feel lucky he puts up with me!

But, like you, there’s no doubt he’s doing something to me, just like your husband is definitely yelling at you.

divine1966 · May 15, 2020 at 09:29 AM

I think good therapist will see things through and help to navigate these issues. I think it’s positive that he is willing to go to therapy if he is sincere about it.

I think that person on the other group meant that sometimes people just do or say a bit here and there to keep the other partner hopeful. Now the person is hopeful, when things go bad again they’ll do and say something else to keep them hopeful again, so they never leave. I am not saying that’s what he does at all but that’s what I think that woman meant

Have Hope · 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Does your husband disagree that yelling is a problem? Maybe he grew up with it and thinks it’s normal. What matters is, it’s a problem FOR YOU. Surely he can’t deny that.

I’ve suffered greatly from my reaction to my issue with my husband. I’m on meds now and been diagnosed with (varying) things.

The marriage counseling mostly concluded my husband is very anxious and I have emotional dysregulation, based on how intensely I reacted to our problem (which I disagree is dysregulation due to it happening over and over for years.). It was maddening.

Even through all the dysfunction, I had so many reasons to stay.

You are in a much more independent position. You shouldn’t have to put up with misery.

I shouldn’t have put up with misery either, but I fear I did my part because I must really have a disorder. I’m not sure, and this makes me feel lucky he puts up with me!

But, like you, there’s no doubt he’s doing something to me, just like your husband is definitely yelling at you.

I'm sorry for the position you are in. It sounds complicated, and perhaps even confusing.

My husband grew up with an angry and explosive father, so yes, in part it's normal to him and acceptable because his mother never left his father. He even tried to excuse his father's explosions by saying his mother was to blame for overspending his father's money. So that means that yelling at her was justified.

Mine is fairly straight forward: I refuse to stay in a marriage that is abusive, even if it is on and off.

I refuse to be yelled at. No healthy relationship involves yelling and screaming at each other, calling each other nasty names and accusing the person of having major problems, which is what he does. He tries to blame ME and any problem i do have for our fights, when HE is the problem. And I see this very clearly. He gaslights me.

And yes, I am independent and luckily have the means to leave him. And I have NO problem doing that if this is going to continue on.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think good therapist will see things through and help to navigate these issues. I think it’s positive that he is willing to go to therapy if he is sincere about it.

I think that person on the other group meant that sometimes people just do or say a bit here and there to keep the other partner hopeful. Now the person is hopeful, when things go bad again they’ll do and say something else to keep them hopeful again, so they never leave. I am not saying that’s what he does at all but that’s what I think that woman meant

Yess...... thanks Divine. The woman in that group it seems is very stuck in an abusive situation that she for one reason or another cannot get out of. And people project their own issues all the time.

Yes, perhaps my husband said that just to keep me engaged and from leaving him.

I have to now plan a bit differently, how this is going to go.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 10:32 AM

what makes me feel hopeless about this right now is he denied he has a problem. Which makes me worry he would try to make the therapy sessions into ME having problems.

divine1966 · May 15, 2020 at 11:09 AM

I’ve read somewhere that marriage counselors could determine if marriage is long lasting by observing how couples fight. If they fight dirty (name calling and yelling or gaslighting and pointing fingers etc) or they argue in a healthier manner could determine how things will go in a long run. I have to remind myself to not fight dirty as I am easily irritated and snap over minor things.

When you say name calling what do you mean? “You are such a slob always leaving dirty dishes on the counter” or is it actual “bad” names? (Just an example)

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 11:28 AM

He has called me a "psycho" in fights, he gaslights me by saying the fight is all my fault, that I started it, that I'm the one yelling and being abusive and then he throws any problem I may have into the mix, saying "YOU have problems and you need help!" I'm IN THERAPY, HE IS NOT. I AM ON MEDS, HE IS NOT. HE STARTS every fight by yelling at me. I DO NOT start these fights. He turns everything around on me, deflecting all blame off himself onto me for being the instigator and the problem. This is what I refuse to deal with in therapy, is if he starts to deflect and blame me. The moment that happens, and the moment he starts to manipulate the therapist, I am walking out of the office and I am saying goodbye to him. I am not going to put up with it, not between us 1:1 and certainly not in therapy. I have too much life left in me to live to be dragged down to his level.

divine1966 · May 15, 2020 at 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

He has called me a "psycho" in fights, he gaslights me by saying the fight is all my fault, that I started it, that I'm the one yelling and being abusive and then he throws any problem I may have into the mix, saying "YOU have problems and you need help!" I'm IN THERAPY, HE IS NOT. I AM ON MEDS, HE IS NOT. HE STARTS every fight by yelling at me. I DO NOT start these fights. He turns everything around on me, deflecting all blame off himself onto me for being the instigator and the problem. This is what I refuse to deal with in therapy, is if he starts to deflect and blame me.

I am sorry to hear that. You absolutely in the right not wanting to put up with this.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry to hear that. You absolutely in the right not wanting to put up with this.

Yep. Absolutely. I am angered right now even just thinking about how he has been towards me. He even got me to take the blame for a couple of fights because I had been drinking, and he blamed it all on me drinking and getting fiesty with him. When still, he was the one who started every single fight we've ever had by raising his voice at me.

Perhaps I should just leave him right now. I almost don't see the point of even trying. It feels hopeless.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 12:38 PM

I am all over the place. One minute I'm outraged and am convinced I must leave him and SOON, the next I feel some amount of compassion and love towards him, with a tiny sliver of hope and I want to try. Then I'm right back to feeling it's hopeless and pointless.

lady411 · May 15, 2020 at 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I need strength and courage. I do not want to end up like that woman on my Facebook group. This could happen in a month or six months from now. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way, but is there really a right way or a wrong way? I don't think so. There's individual preferences. I'm doing it the way I feel best and most comfortable with. Who knows? Maybe three weeks from now I will feel differently, I don't know, and maybe I'll be done with it all at that point. A crazy, illogical part of me wants to enjoy the loving aspects I am receiving right now and fall back into it again... back into love, like falling backwards into a soft cushion. It does feel good.

I feel a bit crazy. My emotions are all over the place.

You’re not crazy @Have Hope ; It’s perfectly human to want to feel loved and wanted. But at the same time it’s very good that you are well aware of the logical aspect of it. You are clearly seeing everything with eyes wide open. Obviously there has been a lot of love between you and your husband. Of course your emotions are going to be all over the place.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lady411

You’re not crazy @Have Hope ; It’s perfectly human to want to feel loved and wanted. But at the same time it’s very good that you are well aware of the logical aspect of it. You are clearly seeing everything with eyes wide open. Obviously there has been a lot of love between you and your husband. Of course your emotions are going to be all over the place.

thank you.

there is a lot of love, yes. and yes, my emotions are going haywire. I am definitely too aware of all the logistics and it's overwhelming. I am trying not to think of logistical details that would hold me in fear of leaving him. i want to leave him if I decide it's best for my mental health. and then I will worry about the logistics. I can't think of those right now, or else I get scared. and yeah, my eyes are wide open. thanks for the validation.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 02:46 PM

my sadness is deep again today. I have zero energy, zero zest. I just want to run away and bawl my eyes out. And I preferably want to run away from my husband and go to my parents' home and finally confide in them about what's happening. I want my mom. I feel like a kid, but I want my mom. They have no clue what's happening and dropped off two dozen roses for our anniversary last week. I want to go stay at their home for like two weeks. My mental health is suffering. I am very unhappy, and I am going downhill.

I am fat and I am depressed. I no longer look like I used to - sexy, thin and beautiful. I look fat and not healthy. I am not in a good frame of mind. When my husband comes home, I want to kick him in the balls, tell him to go to hell and lock myself upstairs away from him. Right now, I want nothing to do with him.

Have Hope · May 15, 2020 at 05:56 PM

Whoa. Did my husband finally admit tonight to me that he has an anger problem? He pretty much did. Then I got a call for an interview for a Director role in my field! What a roller coaster.

divine1966 · May 15, 2020 at 06:15 PM

Good luck with an interview!

Wow. What was the context that he admitted it? Its impressive. It’s pretty good!!!! Maybe he sees the light

Have Hope · 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good luck with an interview!

Wow. What was the context that he admitted it? Its impressive. It’s pretty good!!!! Maybe he sees the light

Thanks!

I told him I was depressed. He asked why. I said because he couldn't admit to having an anger problem when he does, and when it affects our marriage negatively. I also said I cannot work with that. He then agreed, and decided or claimed that he will watch his temper and not escalate it. Then he asked for my help to help him stop, by just saying his name. He also said we have a plan in place for if and when a fight like that does happen, ie a therapist.

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,926 15 24.1k hugs given	May 15, 2020 at 07:06 AM #181 Well iirc you wrote previously that he said that if you brought up couples counseling then the marriage is over. Therefore this sounds like a positive step to me, Not the goal but towards it.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,115 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,633 hugs given	May 15, 2020 at 10:32 AM #189 what makes me feel hopeless about this right now is he denied he has a problem. Which makes me worry he would try to make the therapy sessions into ME having problems. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,115 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,633 hugs given	May 15, 2020 at 05:56 PM #198 Whoa. Did my husband finally admit tonight to me that he has an anger problem? He pretty much did. Then I got a call for an interview for a Director role in my field! What a roller coaster. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,455 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,279 hugs given	May 15, 2020 at 06:15 PM #199 Good luck with an interview! Wow. What was the context that he admitted it? Its impressive. It’s pretty good!!!! Maybe he sees the light
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