Forgiving People Isn't Easy

It's past 3am. I'm still awake because I'm caught up in these thoughts.

The other day I had some drama with my mother. I'm currently living with my parents. She was trying to apologize for abusing me and mentioned she wanted to have a relationship with me. Somehow it turned into me getting triggered and really pissed, and telling her off. In fact, I made a promise to her that I'm moving out and that she'd never see me again.

I want to forgive my family (I've been abused by my brother, too. Almost everyone in my family has treated me pretty badly). But I don't think I'm capable of it. It makes me feel so guilty, because spiritually, I believe in forgiveness and I know how important it is. I'm sitting here this late crying because I can't seem to forgive them. Even when I try, I think I've made progress, then something happens and I'm an angry mess and hate them all. Back to where I started.

I'm moving out in September and starting my own life. And no, I'm not coming back. Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to work things out? That I just simply can't have a relationship with these people. That I just want to disown them all. Change my name and act like they don't exist. I feel like such an outsider, this place isn't home. I don't know what it feels like anymore to belong to a family, to feel cherished, loved, or connected. It's like they're already strangers to me. When I was a child, I'd never imagined it would be like this.

Moving out and starting your own life is a good beginning. It sounds like you need to develop a life of your own, and no, it doesn't make you a bad person. You feel as you feel, and you may need to grieve for that child you were---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You wrote: " I don't know what it feels like anymore to belong to a family, to feel cherished, loved, or connected." So did you once know? Did you used to feel "cherished, loved, or connected" and a sense of belonging to a family?" I ask because if you felt it once, there exists a possibility that you can feel that way again.
Have you ever successfully separated and individuated yourself as a self-supporting adult? That goes a long way to putting things in perspective. If you ever felt any positive feelings for your family, I think I would hold off on dramatic gestures, move out, establish your own home and then re-evaluate. Are you receiving therapy? That could help you now and in the future too.

You might need to have distance from them to even get to a place where you could forgive them. I think those relationships may take time and small steps to heal (if ever). It is hard to forgive people that never fully understood what you went through and how they made you feel. You will feel outside their acceptance. I struggle with that too.

Forgiveness for me is conditional. It depends on what I am forgiving someone for. I don't and will never forgive my mother for the way she treated me when I was sick, and I don't forgive premeditated, planned wrongdoing.

All of this has given me a lot to think about. Me moving out in September is individualizing and separating myself from the dysfunction and claiming my own life. I am my own person, I'm LGBTQ+ and open despite abuse said to me about it. I absolutely refuse to live in a closet at this point. Yes, i need to grieve and yes I'm in therapy. These things don't derail me as often as the used to, I'm usually a pretty happy pulled together person.

I know I'm going to forgive them at some point, and everything will be happy and fine. I do need to get away from here. My brother is an addict, and narcissistic, abusive...and unstable. The police have come over so many times since last year. There are days I wake up and the police are here dealing with a domestic dispute between him and my parents. I try to stay out of it. I've spoken with them once about how I feel unsafe, lock my door at night. There is often fighting and screaming and erratic behavior. I've been threatened, my brother has said he hopes I die and would be happy if I died. I've needed the push to get out of here for a while, and I'm proud of myself for being like "Yeah, I'm done with this hell hole. I'm out." And going off to live my best life.

No -- it does not make you a bad person whatsoever. You have to do what's best for YOU.

Stay true to your feelings and stay true to yourself.

Forgiveness can take years to achieve, and even then it's not necessary. What is necessary though is to work towards healing the wounds.

It's not easy to forgive someone from hurting us, nor does it need to be immediately granted.

If distancing yourself right now is what you need, by all means.

It's a step that your mother said this, but years of childhood abuse cause deep wounds and scars, that then take many years to heal.

Just do right by yourself and what you need most right now. Healing from childhood abuse can take a long time.

Dear Hobbypoet,
I held a grudge against my parents for y-e-a-r-s.... When I became a parent at the age of 40 the anger started to just go away. I guess the anger was tempered by empathy. I look back on it now with son grown up and parents deceased and I feel regret. My parents made some major boo boos in parenting which made all of us wrestle with immaturity, poor confidence and insecurity. My mother would get aggravated and say she was going to pack up and leave. She never did but you can imagine what that would do to a child's sense of security..... Sounds like you want to move on and forgive. I know it's hard but the one it's hardest on is you.

Hey @hobbypoet:
I wanted to share this with you first:

Quote:

Definition of forgive transitive verb 1: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON forgive one's enemies 2a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) for forgive an insult b: to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt

Many people think forgiveness is for the offender. They think that they are a bad person because they cant let something go and move on. I do not believe this is what forgiveness is. Imo forgiveness is solely for the forgiver. It is for the forgiver to find peace within themselves and a way for the forgiver to stop the pain from past experiences with people who have harmed us. It is not at all to let them off the hook. I think leaving is a great way to start this process. I think ceasing all contact for awhile will help this happen as well. I do not think you need to explain yourself or justify it to any of them. In fact I think you should do all you can to completely avoid all interactions with these people if you can. Stay out of the way as much as possible. You cant leave now with covid but when things open up more stay out of the house as much as possible. If you work, maybe take on more hours to save up and be away from these people. It is a poor use of energy to feel the pain and guilt about these offenders and you will have to let that go but its not your time yet and thats ok. There is not timeline. It is finally on your terms and I want you to feel powerful by making a choice NOT to forgive right now. I think it is healthy to realize you are not ready but it is not healthy to feel such anger and resentment. Try and lock off the pain for now and focus on holding out until you can leave. Once you leave seek out counseling or a support group to help you find peace and strength to forgive and then do it- and let it go. It doesnt mean forgiving has to include a resumption of a relationship- hell you may find this is impossible-or that it may take years to happen and that is ok- there are no rules.

Moving and starting your own life sounds like a great idea. Self-reliance is huge, those steps will increase your confidence. And I think you don't have to be that harsh to yourself, forgiveness takes time, it won't happen overnight.