[CJR520]

Our daughter is 42 years old, going to college, and is evidently expecting us to pay her way, or she is not going to socialize with us, and the rest of the family. She and her husband have already raised three boys who are having all kinds of difficulties, one has been in prison twice. The two older ones are his by previous marriage. Then, our 21 year old grandson is soon to be a father, had many trying times with our daughter and her terrible temper. She threw him out of the house before he could graduate from high school.We are really sick about it. Then, they have a seven year old who the father is taking care of while she does her own thing. She has never held down a job for very long, like just months at a time, then gets angry, fights, or whatever with coworkers, and always thinks she has to be the boss, no matter what is going on. I have spent a lot of my free time trying to help her, etc. She thinks we owe it to her to help pay for this college education, and we are very close to retirement. I think she is making my husband feel quilty about this. I know that college is a good thing, but she thinks she is the only one in the whole world with a child at home going to college. Her husband cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. while she studies. Gee whiz, I know women and men who have families and full time jobs and are going to school also. I just refuse to fall for this anymore, but husband is having a hard time. Daughter has always done her own thing, going to concerts, races, etc. spending but not making money. Now, I guess she thinks we owe it to her to pay for this education. What is up with her anyway!

[AAAAA]

At 42? How does one approach one's parents at 42 and expect them to pay for a college education? My mother went back to school around that age and I'm trying to imagine her asking my grandmother to pay for it and it makes me laugh. I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh at your situation, but it's ridiculous.

With her history do you think she'll complete college?

[katheryn]

if i were you i would tell her you dont want to socialise with her if shes going to blackmail you into paying for her to go to collage , shes old enough to make her own choices,
and her own mistakes you have been a good mother to stand by her through her life so far but finacilly she should only do what she can aford to do
maybe being firm might do her good

oh by the way im a mother i am 42 and i have four children

have you asked her why she feels you guys "owe her" this? it might give you some insight into her thinking and maybe open up discussion for reality for her. Of course ask in a non-judgemental way.

[Perna]

I don't know what school she goes to but there are 10 easy ways to afford my university's education (I'm 57; maybe you'd like to take a class or two yourself in your retirement :-) Tell her to look into funding/loans herself to be brilliant like you expect her to be :-) and get a scholarship!

http://www.umuc.edu/paymentoptions/

[lil_rebbitzen]

I think she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into paying for the college education. She sounds like she needs to take finacial responsibility for herself.

A lot of colleges have payment plans for "non-traditional" students (don't know exactly what that means, but it can mean that you haven't been to college for some time, I suppose.). My friend Steve, who's 28, is looking to go back to college for a psychology degree, and he seems to qualify for one of the ones here in Georgia. Maybe some of the colleges your daughter is interested in has that?

I would be firm, but gentle with her in explaining that you aren't going to pay for her college. I agree with the person who recommended you ask her why she thinks you have to pay for it.

[CJR520]

Thanks to all of you. I met with her at her college before Christmas for lunch. I told her that we were getting close to retirement, and could not hand out money. My husband built her new cabinets for her kitchen last year after she threw a tantrum, got angry at her husband for not doing what she wanted him to, and took a crowbar, etc., and completely tore out the kitchen she had.We footed half the bill for the materials for that out of pity for her husband. She got about 4 or 5 thousand dollars worth of cabinets for 500 dollars out of their pocket, and they are beautiful cabinets. She also informed me that the only time Dad called them was when he wanted something from them. Those little things he wants are mower parts that the son-in-law can get at cost, and we pay for them. Even as I write this, and read it back to myself, and know that this is not even touching all the things she does, I should write a book.

[nothemama8]

let her be an adult , and stop her emotional blackmail NOW, or continue to enable her , not trying to hurt any feelings, but she is sooooo out of control
if she wants you to pay for schooling tell her to get a paper route, thats how my cousin had to do for himself

[CedarS]

I agree, let her be an adult, don't participate anymore in her emotional blackmail.

[Ocean13]

She's only concerned for Herself. She doesn't care that you are retiring. In fact, she wants your retirement money. She deserves that too. Stand strong, both of you, and don't pay for her college education. She's a grown woman!! The mistakes with her children are NOT your fault. She's a woman, married, and going to college! If she threatens and/or chooses not to socialize with you be strong and say, "OK". It's her loss. Don't let her bully you!
Good Luck
Ocean

[CJR520]

I'm really trying, but my husband wanted to take them out to eat Saturday night, and we did. I did o.k., but it is not the same. She seems to be able to sweet talk him some, but I am sticking to my guns. She is very bright, and I thought college was nice for her; but not at our expense! Anyhow, I am doing the best I can. Love all the grandkids, but don't need this mess. Thanks!

[Perna]

When she was of an age did you offer her college or try to get her to go?

I know families often have routines and ideas about college long before. My husband helped his sons but they had to work a summer job and part-time during school and if they needed additional, he'd supply it. He worked his way almost completely through school; I think when he had to live in an apartment during part of that time, he explained to his father that his father could pay $50 or my husband could live at home, his choice My father-in-law gladly paid the $50 a month (of course, this was late 1960's prices).

In my family my father paid for my stepsister's and my college, one brother went to a service academy and another enlisted and later the military paid for his degree. But I was 28 or 29 when I found out I needed braces on my teeth and I paid for them, cashing in my new little 401K I had at the time to pay the down payment. I'm still very proud of that taking care of myself.

Does your son-in-law know she's trying to blackmail you? I would think he would be embarrassed and have something to say about it.

[sabby]

((((((( CJR ))))))))

I think it's important to look back in life and see the pattern that has been created here with your daughter. It sounds like to me, that every time she creates a difficulty (or what she perceives as one) someone has run to rescue her. So why in the world should she start to change that now????

Breaking old habits is very very hard but definitely something one can do. Maybe if you were to sit down and write out all the times that you and your husband ran to fix her problems and showed it to your husband in black and white, he might see the pattern that he has helped to create.

Your daughter is fighting for what she has always fought for and received......bad behavior gets good results for her. Why should she change it???

If this kind of cycle is one that you want to break with her, maybe speaking to a behavior specialist would be helpful for you and your husband. Learning ways of changing your behaviors will bleed over to her and she will have to change her behaviors to coincide with yours.

I wish you much luck and strength through this. I know it won't be easy.


sabby

[seeker1950]

CJR....I'm amazed that your daughter would even THINK to ask you to pay for her college at yours and her ages! You and your husband sound like such sweet and caring people, but it also sounds like daughter is manipulating you, and especially your husband.
Like Perna and others here, I'm 57. I went back to school in my late 30's while I had a small child at home. No one paid for this but me! I also worked my way thru undergrad school, and now footing my own bill toward the MA.
With your retirement in sight and nearing, you must take care to be financially secure yourselves! Don't let your hubby be swayed by daughter. It is rather scary to approach retirement even with what appears to be financial security, much less so, when giving out a fortune for someone's college education. Your daughter must make her own way, and be happy you are taking care of your own future!
Love
Patty