[tinywhinywitch]

Hi there, I joined here to ask for some advice, i hope that's okay. I'll keep it simple, I've had ongoing issues with my boyfriend and our sex life for 2 years now. I am 25 and he is 27. We have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. I have tried to talk to him numerous times but he shuts down and victimises himself if I confront him. Basically I have the higher sex drive and need more sex. Once a week would make me so much happier, I honestly don't think this is unreasonable. I've had a little look at partners that shut down when confronted with a problem so I am thinking of how else I can get through to him without him stonewalling me. I cant cope with pushing this under the rug any longer, I absolutely adore this man, but our lack of emotional and sexual time together partnered with refusal to discuss the problem or anything sexual is frustrating me to the point of resentment

Possible trigger:

and self harm.

Hes made passing comments before about how "all I want is sex" which really hurt me because I'm here for the emotional connection and bonding that sex brings.

I wrote down my feelings this morning as my frustration bubbled over again, I'm considering showing it to him because I can tell he cant deal when I start to cry - which ofc I do as this is so prolonged and close to my heart. I was wondering if you lovely humans could give it a read and honestly tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I can change if needed, I'm just so sick of feeling so emotionally hurt from the dead bedroom.

Here are my thoughts, I tried to be as fair as possible:

I'm not sure how else to put my frustration into words you can empathize with, I have expressed myself in a soft way to spare your feelings before, we have had discussions where I do most of the talking and you shut down. You have acknowledged that you shut down on the spot but do not bring up any issues I want to talk about when you are ready. Our problems are either downplayed or swept under the rug until I get to bursting point, they dont go away when we leave it, they just pile up. When I do get to bursting point, you make me feel ashamed and a burden for crying, do you not understand I cant put this on as an act, this is genuine overflowing emotional pain for me. When you ignore me it crushes me, it shows me you dont care. We have gotten nowhere in the two years I have expressed this problem with you, so I'm going to be blunt.

I need more sex. Our sex life, an important part of every sexual relationship, is not satisfactory to my needs. This is not a jab at your sexual skill by any means, so do not take it as such. If I didnt enjoy sex with you I wouldn't be so bothered about the lack of it. From the beginning of our relationship I have not shied away from sexual encounters and have always been enthusiastic about sharing the experience with you. I could say on the other hand, recently you consistently shut down anything I try to get a sexual mood going, I really don't know how else to see it when you simply sidestep any messages I send that might be alluring. I need sex multiple times a month at bare minimum, ideally once or twice a week but once a week is not unreasonable in my opinion. When we fail to have sex for a prolonged amount of time while we dont do other romantic things leaves me incredibly frustrated. I have a lot of feelings of self doubt due to this, I worry that you are just not into me anymore and the sex we do have is because I initiated or you feel like you have to oblige.

You probably recognise this frustration as me bursting into tears seemingly at random, to me this is an overflow of the self doubt I've been having because I dont know how to get through to you. I'm tired of feeling rejected and I'm tired of this comatose bedroom. I would feel more at ease if we could at least TALK about it. What's going on in your head? What are you thinking? When are you horny? What turns you on? What can I do to get you in the mood? If there is something keeping you from sex, tell me so I can understand. I dont care how ugly or hurtful you think it is, I cannot cope with being stonewalled anymore.

If you dont talk to me about our sex life, I cant keep up this charade, its emotionally draining and not healthy for me. I will not continue to ignore this problem, I need to consider my own mental health and how this is contributing to it.

Heres some things I want you to know from my perspective:
• I do not see sex as dirty not do I view people with high libidos as dirty. We want emotional connection and release with another person. I want that with you.
• I do not see people with low sex drives in a negative light, but I expect you to share how you're feeling about it with me.
• There must be compromise and discussion if our sex drives dont match up. It's not fair for one half of us to be fine and the other half to be constantly struggling.
• There has to be equal initiation & enthusiasm, not just for sex, but any romantic couple behaviours. I feel it's always me asking to do things with you, while you're more excited about planning league matches and bike rides. Where do I fit in?
• We cannot move past this without acknowledging things on both our sides and actually share things with each other.
• You make a point about me crying every single time, yet I try to get my point across regardless of tears. When you shut down, nothing is said.
• If we cannot openly talk about our sex life, 4 and a half years into knowing each other, I believe we genuinely need to see a couples therapist/counsellor to have a neutral third party who knows this stuff to mediate any discussion we have that might get heated or run off track - which they do run off track btw. It's very difficult to keep on topic with you, I have expressed this before to you and I mean it.
• I dont want to not be with you, but the emotional pain and frustration I face due to this ongoing problem is becoming too much for me to cope with.
• Lastly, I maturbate. Every single day. It doesnt really work and sometimes it makes me feel worse, but its the only type of release and sexual touch I get from someone. Often I masturbate in the morning if you've decided to get up, we could be together in bed but instead it's just me. Sometimes I masturbate in the bathroom at night because you've crawled into bed and passed out. I dont like doing it alone but I often feel it's that option or nothing at all.

Excuses I think should be discussed:

• "I'm too tired". While I fully understand that, with you being back at work and all, it's not an excuse. If you know you will be too tired at night, then suggest earlier, actually ask me. Would you trade your last game of league for some bonding time with your girlfriend at the end of the day? We can plan an evening where we spend some time together. Sex is bonding time and I feel we are drifting apart, there are other things we do during sex like laughing and even just looking into each others eyes that make me feel much closer to you. I always hope you feel the same way.
• "I am just a **** boyfriend". Try me again with this one, if you feel you are **** because of this, that's on YOU. I am clearly not trying to make you feel bad about this, I want to sort this issue so that we can both be happier. If you still feel you are a **** boyfriend consider why you feel this: 1. You intend to make me feel guilty for calling this out therefore you are victimising yourself and this is not fair. 2. You really do feel like this makes you a **** boyfriend and therefore dont want to talk about it. It wont go away if you ignore it. This is a terrible response to someone approaching you with a problem, would you tell your boss you're just a "**** employee" if they had a criticism about some of the work you had done?
• "You want sex too much". If you genuinely feel I want too much from you and you cannot or are unwilling to meet me in the middle, then I'm afraid we simply dont match up sexually. If that really is the case, the longer we drag this out the more painful it will be. I'm not ashamed of my sex drive and am not going to be made to feel like I'm too sexual. I am already making sacrifices for you by suppressing my own sex drive and partaking in only vanilla PIV sex. This might not sound like a big deal for you, but consider why, if you dont value sex the way I do then you're not going to see it as a big deal.

[divine1966]

Honestly you can’t make anyone to spend more time whth you, connect emotionally and have sex, then you either have to accept thats how your life is going to be or move on and find a better match.

If the guy isn’t interested in planning good time with you and have intimacy at 27, then I am not sure why you think he’d want it at 28? I’d not be sending him letters. He isn’t going to be all different becayse of a letter

For whatever reason he just isn’t interested. You are only 25. You don’t need to be tied up to a guy who isn’t showing you any kind of interest. You can have a clean break and find a better match

[Open Eyes]

Could he be gay? Just asking because I know someone that finally found out that was the problem.

Sure, you could give him the letter. It might be good to see how he reacts to it. If you get more stonewalling, and nothing good comes of it, consider breaking up with him. He does not sound right for you, in my opinion. But since you seem so invested, maybe this can be your last try.

Like divine said, you are young with your life ahead of you. Don't waste your time in relationships that cause you pain.

[IndigoMoth]

It sounds like you feel frustrated, rejected and defensive, or even judged. It must be really hard to deal with that, and with him shutting down. Let me summarise the key issues, as they seem to come across in your letter:

- The two of you find it hard to communicate on any sensitive topics, or really resolve any issues, without you getting upset and him shutting down.
- You feel unwanted and perhaps unloved, not just because of the lack of sex but also because of not spending quality time or connecting enough. You feel that he doesn't make enough time for you and that you are not valued in the relationship.
- You feel like he judges your sex drive and your sexual needs, and that makes you feel very defensive and angry.

Those are all super valid concerns and you deserve to have your needs met. What HE will probably see, when he reads that letter, is a lot of accusation and judgement, and no real space for him to respond with what's hurting him and how it could be made better. As it's phrased now, it probably won't break the pattern that you two are in. You're doing something that I often do, unfortunately: going on the attack rather than being receptive and vulnerable. Anger is so much stronger a feeling than rejection and hopelessness. So I have 2 suggestions:

1. Soften your approach. Phrase the letter using "I feel" phrases, taking ownership of how you're hurting, and make sure you ask him open questions. Take out the ultimatums for now. You can have limits in your own head, of course, but they don't usually help if you're trying to open a line of communication. Be prepared to be a bit vulnerable, if you really want to connect over this. Yes, he could hurt you, but if you attack him you'll end up with the same issues as before and you'll get hurt anyway.

Everything you said in that letter sounded valid and well-though-out. But if I were him, I'd be feeling inadequate , defensive, pressured, and reading it would make me feel worse. There's a huge social pressure on men to be these virile, horny teenagers while simultaneously being in touch with their emotions. He probably feels like he's failing on all fronts right now, and as a result is shutting down completely and starting to resent you.

Either you want to prove that you're right, or you want to actually have honest and constructive communication about it. You can't have both.

2. Take time to think about what else is going on in your relationship, and be ready to explore that before (if) the sex problem is dealt with. Sex is often the canary in the mineshaft - it goes off the rails when something else isn't working. As you so rightly said, sex represents closeness and connection, intimacy, support, acceptance, interest, excitement, vulnerability.... if you don't have that going for you already, it's unlikely you're going to be able to manufacture it. There is nothing less sexy than feeling obligated to have sex. IF you can be bothered to stick around, you may have to be prepared to take sex off the table for a bit while you work on the rest.

[Iloivar]

I think your letter is very reasonable and mature. Giving him a chance to explain himself while also expressing your hurt and what he does that hurts your feelings.

I do commend you for remaining level headed in what has clearly been an emotional time for you.


I do have to wonder though if you have already said all of these things to him in person? If so, I find it unlikely the letter will change much. I wouldn't have much expectation that it would change anything.

Either way, I don't see the harm in not sending the letter. Not just because of the chance he may take to try and improve or at the very least, discuss things, but also because you opened up the option of ultimately ending the relationship.

I do agree with woven that you should consider ending it should nothing good come out of it. I mean, after that letter I'm at a loss as to what more there would be to do other than the obvious if he doesn't address anything you say.

[Have Hope]

I agree that the letter is reasonable, fair and mature. I think you also will need to prepare yourself for ending it if nothing results from this letter, and if he still refuses to talk to you about this issue with you.

I do find it a bit strange that a young man doesn't want to have much sex. That is not very common, except for perhaps when someone has depression.

[unaluna]

How much bike riding does he do? A lot may not be conducive to using his crotch for other activities.

[divine1966]

Honestly if the guy is the way you described, he isn’t going to read your letters, it’s a nice letter but it’s very very long. If he had deep interest in what you feel, there would be no need to write letters. I’d plan my exit. Don’t waste your time

[Bill3]

The lack of sex has been a problem for two years now.

Possible trigger:

A very serious problem even aside from the self-harm

You are not being unreasonable at all.

The problems are not just sex. Are you familiar with the so-called "Four Horsemen" that destroy relationships?

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Your boyfriend shows them: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.

What do you see in him?

What will it take for you to decide to move on?

[Open Eyes]

@tinywhinywitch, the person who needs to pay attention to that letter you wrote the most is YOU. You are now 25 years old and in a relationship where you are unhappy. You spent time and wrote down "why" you are unhappy and you even mentioned that you are so unhappy that you have thought of self harming. The person who needs to read that letter the most is "you". It reflects what is missing for you in this relationship and you do not have unreasonable needs.

What is in your way the most is yourself right now. You are NOT getting your needs met, you are clearly unhappy and yet you continue to stay with someone who is not satisfying your needs. When someone doesn't want to sit and talk and listen to your needs or challenges, it means YOUR needs are simply NOT IMPORTANT to them. No letter is going to change that, the person who needs to listen to that letter the most is in fact the writer of the letter.

There are several different reasons someone is not sexual or intimate. Sometimes it's depression, low self esteem issues, or the medication someone is taking for depression, it can be due to someone's ongoing addiction to a drug like alcohol or marijuana that affects that area of their brain and body. As I mentioned, could be that he is gay and doesn't know it, or he is Asexual or has Avoidant personality issues. He may have anxiety issues when it comes to intimacy so he avoids it. A letter won't change any of that.

Also, why are you so down on yourself with the name you picked for your PC name? Your feelings are important, they are not tiny, or whiny or witchy.

What other things do you have in your life? Do you have your own passions, hobbies, career?

[tinywhinywitch]

Thank you for your responses, I wasn't really expecting to hear some of that, particularly Bill3 and OpenEyes. To be honest I often feel like I think about myself TOO much, which is why I downplay this problem and bottle it up so much. I ask myself things like "why should I force him into sex if he doesn't want to just to satisfy myself?"

I just want to say first that I am no saint either, I have my fair share of mental problems and most definitely still have depression that I've been suffering from since my early teens due to family problems. There's help that I need but do not have the means to seek at the moment & I try my best to be vigilant of my bad behaviors but whether or not I'm actually good at it I couldn't say. If conflict arises I well up most of the time and cry, I can't control it and I hate how it makes me look. I feel a tingling in my throat and it all comes flooding out. I know this bothers my boyfriend immensely and he wants me to just stop the tears on the spot, he has indirectly told me in the past that its crying to win the argument or something of that notion. Idk if he's experienced this with one of his previous girlfriends or something.

He's actually just arrived home from work, he greeted me as normal as if things haven't been super tense over the last few days. This is the part that usually makes me wanna snap, almost as if I wish I could let it go as easily as he seemingly does. He can't have forgotten? He must know that there is still something actively on my chest?

To answer the question of if he could possibly be gay, he's never given me the impression that he's gay or hiding his sexuality. He's had girlfriends before me and it's been implied by his friends that he was seeing several girls (not at once, I assume like hookups or dating but not serious) before he met me. I get that people can be so deep in their act that they do continue to date but I just don't see that from knowing him personally. He was recently gossiped about by his last manager though calling him gay and I know that's really bothered him, but all she had to go off was the fact that he's cheerful and wears skinny jeans - which is ridiculous imo - rather than any real reason to think someone is gay. idk.

Sometimes I do wonder if he has depression/anxiety issues, but it would be difficult to try and talk to him about it. We don't really talk about my depression because it's hard to get myself across, so I usually just tell him it's a "bad day", because it is. So since it's hard enough to talk about my own depression issues, which I have tried to be open about, I'm skeptical of him just shutting down again the moment I mention the possibility he has something going on. He's very much a man who self medicates and I've tried to get him to just go the bloody doctors in the past about minor issues to no avail.

For those asking what I see in him, I really do love this man. We share common interests, he is funny, sweet & always tries to do his best for others. The man I describe is him lets say idk 5% of the time, it's not a lot but it's important enough to me that it impacts the route of our relationship. I fell in love with him because we have a lot of fun together and he always tried to make sure I was smiling/laughing. These issues have arisen since I moved in, which others have said this is normal for your sex life to calm down once you're both living together, but I also expect to be able to talk about sex like it's not big deal, cuz it isn't.

I chose the handle TinyWhinyWitch because I am short, I complain a lot and I like witchy things :') I don't see it as derogatory or even self deprecation but maybe that's another judge of my character haha. I don't want to get too personal about my hobbies in case I become recognisable at all but I do have my own hobbies and friends BUT mostly online since I moved up to my bfs town where I don't know anyone & with coronavirus, I haven't seen any of my friends since February. I think the isolation has contributed to the way I feel and the length of my tether, let's say.

[MsLady]

Ok.. compaining a lot and depression can affect someone else's sexual interest. Just flipping the coin for a second. You mentioned it's hard for you to talk about your depression and are unable to seek support for it. If you're wanting him to address an area of concern, it might be worthwhile for you to address an area of concern, too.

Have you looked into couples therapy? Maybe address the need to complain a lot and depression, along with what he's been putting out there.. ?