[Bat_Orchid90]

Okay... so I go back and forth on this often but the longer we’re together , the more it bothers me. We’ve been in an apartment since we’ve been together a few years ago and I am constantly trying to figure out ways to improve our situation. To grow as a couple, to just get more living space... my bf is sweet. He loves to do things with and for me without me asking sometimes too much and i get annoyed and ask him to stop( if i find out he over spent on something). The problem comes when I suggest taking a vacation, or moving, he’ll say we don’t have the money to do so..... for me, i have to get out and do things or my mental health absolutely tanks. And i dont need to spend money to be active, but occassionally i like to actually travel into the city , not since covid, but ya know take a weekend to go camping or whatever, but he doesnt want to, even if i say id pay.... well i casually brought up moving again, i looked for places where we could both thrive financially as we both hate our jobs but he is better off in his current job than i am in mine... he insists he doesnt want to move and i dont know why.. his family is near by but he literally never speaks or talks to them... he says his friends are here??? But he rarely sees them either and even they were talking of moving since they got married... i just feel so stuck as if he wants to give me simple things so i will be content with where we are, yet he’s uncomfortable himself in the current situation. Even when i tell him id help he like... wants to do it on his own yet he has no real plan. It took me months to get a real answer as to how much he wanted to put down on a house.. I just feel like everything is like pulling teeth and i just want to not feel so trapped, so depressed, so anxious about our future, but he doesnt mind just going through the motions of life with no real plan for the future.. and it concerns me... how do i know we’ll ever move? Get married? Have kids? When everytime i ask a question i get “ idk” as a response, or he changes the subject... he’ll compliment my makeup, or my outfit instead of giving me an answer... it’s so frustrating... I’m sorry everyone I just had to vent....

[Open Eyes]

It's ok, nothing wrong with venting pandabear. He sounds more introverted and doesn't particularly care for change. It's also hard with this whole Covid restriction taking place. It's understandable that you get so you are feeling cooped up and just want to get out and do something other than hang in that small space. If he won't go with you than plan something for yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for sharing pandabear. I can relate to some aspects of your post in a sense. It's fine to vent here. If he does not want to go with you somewhere, I also suggest you plan something for yourself. Keep posting if it helps.

I also feel he sounds more introverted, and does not care for change.

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks for sharing pandabear. I can relate to some aspects of your post in a sense. It's fine to vent here. If he does not want to go with you somewhere, I also suggest you plan something for yourself. Keep posting if it helps.

I also feel he sounds more introverted, and does not care for change.

It’s not just about not doing things though:/ it’s in general, i feel like we’ll never be able to get better jobs, move away, or have a family if he just keeps being so indifferent about everything:/...

[divine1966]

It sounds that you want commitment, marriage and children and you are direct about it. He either doesn’t want it now or doesn’t want it at all but his answer “idk” just isn’t good enough.

I agree with you that him not wanting to do things isn’t an issue.

His indifference and lack of commitment is an issue. I don’t recommend you wait for him to change his mind re marriage and children. I’d consider ending it and improving your mental health and your life in general without him

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It sounds that you want commitment, marriage and children and you are direct about it. He either doesn’t want it now or doesn’t want it at all but his answer “idk” just isn’t good enough.

I agree with you that him not wanting to do things isn’t an issue.

His indifference and lack of commitment is an issue. I don’t recommend you wait for him to change his mind re marriage and children. I’d consider ending it and improving your mental health and your life in general without him

See i feel like i havent waited around a super long time to throw in the towel qite yet. But it’s getting to that point considering he will barely talk about it ya know? It’s almost like he wants to prove he can do well on his own , not to stereotype but by being a “man” if that makes sense? Like i want to contribute to things, and i do, but when it comes to moving or getting a house, he’ll make the excuse that he doesnt have enough for the downpayment, yet the houses Ive showed him are sooo much cheaper and we def have enough to put a good chunk down, but he strives for the best, which thrres nothing wrong with that! But like combined we have a decent amount for a house but hes like.. only counting how much he can save otherwise he feels like a failure...or if he finds a house he wants it to be k250-k300+ meanwhile I’ve founf beautiful homes for 100k so it’s like he wants to be the best or like.. not bother trying.. and it’s frustrating because i want to plan ahead , set goals and work towards them together but he has this like... ego getting in the way:/... i guess a lot of women would be happy for a guy who wants x,y,z but i want to feel included, or idk maybe im too cheap for him...? I know he is generally afraid of failure, i know thatd why he stopped looking for work because hes said he feels no other place would want him:/... it’s a weird mix of lack of confidence and fear of failure but like.. i want to moveand get a better job, and get more space and do more things and hes just.... content in his little bubble just dreaming of doing those things:/...

[divine1966]

Honestly the way I operate is if I want a better job and a better place etc I go for it. You don’t need a man to have a good life. And I’d not be buying houses with a man who doesn’t want commitment. You want things that he doesn’t want so sitting around and waiting is a waste of time. Plenty of men are ready to commit and go for it. Why wait for this one. Just my take on it

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honestly the way I operate is if I want a better job and a better place etc I go for it. You don’t need a man to have a good life. And I’d not be buying houses with a man who doesn’t want commitment. You want things that he doesn’t want so sitting around and waiting is a waste of time. Plenty of men are ready to commit and go for it. Why wait for this one. Just my take on it

He does want the commitment, thats not the issue. The issue is him being afraid to do anything for fear of failing.. so he’ll make excuse after excuse why he wont attempt something to stall, or he wants to prove he can do something on his own. I don’t need a man to do those things, but when you’re in a relationship you dont just pick up and move because the other person isn’t sure or ready on the idea yet. The problem is that i wish he’d actually man up and talk about it so we can meet somewhere in the middle or at least get a better understanding of what the other is thinking, but again, he’ll change the subject because it’s uncomfortable. It’s not that he doesnt want to get a house or get married, or whatever it’s that he thinks no one will hire him, that he wants to prove he can provide a home, etc.

[Have Hope]

@pandabear0927, how old are both of you? You sound very eager to make some big and important changes in both of your lives, so I am wondering how old you are and where the eagerness to make a big change is coming from? Your title says a lot about where you're coming from emotionally-- are you depressed and anxious and therefore feel like making these sweeping and vast changes will improve everything? What about trying to tackle your depression and anxiety in other ways? Are you being treated? Are you in therapy and are you on any medications? Pushing your partner when he's not ready is not going to get you anywhere. Both people have got to want those big changes and be ready for them. He may have his own issues that are preventing him from making any changes, but you also cannot push him. However, he should be able to communicate where he stands on each of these issues and shouldn't be changing the subject. He may be feeling pressured by you. Just guessing. There's a lot going on between feeling depressed and anxious, not being happy at work, wanting marriage and children in your future and wanting big changes in your life. I say slow down and tackle the depression and anxiety first. And maybe at some point you can approach him again, and let him know that he keeps changing the subject about important topics you wish to discuss, and ask why.

[divine1966]

Of course you can keep waiting. You can spend another 20 years hoping he’ll change. And he might never change. In a meanwhile life will be passing you by. Some women find themselves in advanced age still waiting for their husbands to change after 30-40 years of marriage. And they still complain about same thing they complained years ago.

You said you wish he did this or that. But wishing something isn’t going to make it so. Things are the way they are and people are who they are. I believe in being with people who are on the same page instead of wishing they change. But sometimes that wisdom comes with age. You might still be very young

Good luck