am i neurotic or just a jerk?

so im coming to find out that several people i work with don't like me. one, in fact, hates my guts. so i try to figure out "what am i doing to make everyone hate me so bad?"

first off... the people that hate me - they smoke pot all the time, do drugs and drink constantly. one of them is the kind that loooooves getting into fights and then loves bragging about them. you know how 16 year old want all the respect in the world but never want to give any in return? yeah.... exactly.

well one of the kids (im his manager and he is like 22) called me a jackass and a *****. other people were present and agree that i did nothing to deserve that. so i waited til everyone was gone as to allow him to save face, and said "if you apologize to me right now i will clear the slate and not write you up. that is very disrespectful and rude and i dont deserve that treatment from you or anyone. so if you refuse, i will write you up" and he totally went off on me and refused to apologize. i tried to tell him that even if he doesnt like me thats no excuse to call me names. whether he likes me or not, im his boss. so he does what i say when i say it. thats just how it goes. i had to it, everyone has to do it. but he doesnt act like he has to. like he is above me.

i dont smoke cigarettes (anymore), dont smoke pot and rarely drink. and the whole partying thing just got old after a while. so their stories are just repetative and annoying to me. i dont sit there and call them stupid but when they talk about drugs its obvious that i have no idea what all the terms etc are so i just kinda zone because i dont even understand what theyre talking about.

none of them have given me a reason... they just hate me.

i remember reading an article that said in several studies done across the nation, men are seen as driven and motivated when they are assertive. women, on the other hand, are seen as being a ***** if they go for something they want or get mad when they are disrespected.

i talk to people the same on here that i do anywhere else and if anyone has had a problem with me on here we resolve it. i know i can come across as jerky sometimes but never to the extent that someone actually hates me and uses those words. i just dont know if i should even be worrying myself with it.

the people who hate me are people who i dont want to like me anyways. i would never hang out with them or form a relationship with them because we have nothing in common. but i dont "hate" them. i just keep beating myself up with picking and proading at myself trying to find out whats wrong with me. its making me very depressed and i try to act like it doesnt bother me but it does. but at the same time, i dont want to change everything about myself just for a couple people who i dont really even enjoy y'know?

i really dont feel like im a *****... i try to look at what i say and how i say it and i dont think i do, especially at work. so i kind of feel like they dont like me because i wont be their drinking buddy like the other managers. grrr.... i have never had this problem anywhere else. of course everywhere you go there will be someone who has a problem with you whether you know it or not. but never to this extent. i dont know if its me or if they hate me because i actually stand up for myself. ugh. luckily i have a T appt next tues. im more just venting and i think saying it out loud might make a difference but nothing so far.

at the same time, i feel like if i pin it off as them just being immature or whatever that im being self centered. i feel like the problem has to be me. because if i feel like "well he doesnt like me but thats because he acts like a 10 year old" that im putting myself up on a pedastle and i dont want to be snooty or self centered. im really at a loss with this.

hell is being stuck on an elevator with a group of people you cant get along with....

i do understand your torment... i want to blame the 16 year old who demand but know nothing of giving respect...

i appreciate the pressure youre under to understand because work life is an important part of we spend our life...

you need change.... define firm boundaries... respect them, but respect yourself...

thanks nowhere. such a good answer in so few words. i wish i had that power.

everyone is my teacher (((saluki)))

i think you try hard and you mean well.. ive always had difficulties in management but ive learned that people usually respond in kind to how they're treated... mirroring what is shined at them..

you have good heart and tyoe better than i do... take care

I think your cool ...and just a little nerotic...I am too

you did not have to give him a chance to save face,if your the boss ,your the boss,you can even be a ***** if you want to...just for fun

I quess your calmer than I,though

I would have been cusing him back LOL

saluk, i feel like im getting stupider.. maybe stop reading my advice...

but, what i mean is, if you shine good will and concern for your employees, and mean that, they'll pick up on your intention.. it might take awhile, and there'll be those you cant reach, but, i just mean if they really think you want to help, they'll respond eventually... they're teens, so they're gonna have issues and as manager, you're in a postition to help (scheduling issues, etc...)

so, i would just try to be nice, and see how it works for awhile... even if there's tension now, just drop it and start over with new boundaries...

best of luck..

more coffee please...

thats the funny thing. theyre not teens. one has his college degree but is still a delivery driver and is 23 or 24. the other is 22 i think and is in and out of jail for things like robbery and domestic violence against his girlfriend. i was trying to be nice. they are both totally unresponsive to anything.

the one whos graduated... one day the womens bathroom was out of order... someone clogged it with god knows what. and i said "can someone go to lowes and get a snake and some drain-o while its slow so were not screwed over later." you know the response I got? "i dont want to because it doesnt affect me directly" word for word.

its just so frustrating. even when i have worked with my best friends they respected me and didnt expect special treatment. its just so aggravating feeling like i have absolutely no control over my own store.

but were moving in 6 months so i just kind of gave up.

the 22 yr old who acts like he is 16... he told me that, in southern illinois, it was going to be negative 15 degrees. i said "i grew up in dayton and it doesnt even get that cold there. are you sure they didnt mean 15 below freezing?" and he just went off. started yelling at me in front of other employess and everything. calling me names... over that. and i might add that he is an idiot and they did mean 15 below freezing. its one of those times where he is totally in the wrong but he doesnt see it.

and the absolute worst.... he talks ALL THE TIME! im thinking "if you hate me so bad... then LEAVE ME ALONE!". and he talks all the time but never actually says anything of any substance. like a 6 year old. he just thinks that everyone owes him everything. and he is so annoying. i want to just ignore him but its so hard to take this much crap and not do anything.

and its like if i say anything to him he totally blows up. i mean blows up on me. he is so amazingly defensive. flis out over everything. i have never met anyone as disrespectful as him.

Being in a supervisorary capacity is never an easy place to be, especially when over teenagers. Many times, their first jobs are difficult for them to fit into for a myriad of reasons.

I don't think they hate you per se, it's more that they hate restriction, responsibility, authority figures, actually having to work to get that weekly paycheck. It's a learning experience for them....they need to learn how to fit into society as a productive individual. Some learn it...some don't and will just float from job to job.

No one deserves to be called the names you were called. You did right by waiting until you and the offender were alone to chastise him for his obnoxious behavior. I have to be honest and say that if it were me he was talking to, he would have found his way out the door never to return as an employee again. He created a hostile work environment in my eyes.

Have you spoken with your boss about this situation or anything at all regarding management decisions? Do you have his/her support? If not, why?

Learning how to deal with kids is a tough one, but it's not impossible. Sometimes its a matter or making the first move to reach out and understand them, communicate with them in positive ways. It's not always easy...no doubt about it, but I've learned through life that you get more bees with honey and patience

Wishing you much luck at work. I so understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. Don't forget to breathe!!


sabby

lol.... theyre older than i am. i even told the one kid "i didnt even act like you when i was 15!" I said "youre acting like a 15 year old" and he said "then let it be that way."

yeah... these people are in their 20's.

why have you not flew off the handle yet ?

its my fault sabby and saluki. your description of them was so perfect as teens lol ... but ok, they're 22 or whatever and act like 16...

ok... clearly im not qualified to give relationship advice sorry.. not all teens are bad.... many are good...

I'm a manager of 29 employees and I know that if one of my employees would have mouthed off like that in front of others I would have confronted him or her right then. I wouldn't let that kind of disrespect get by because as one goes so do they all.

I'm the boss and I take charge. If someone dosen't like me, I'm ok with that as long as they do their job. I'm not here to be friends, or hang out after hours, etc. I am paid to do the job which is to make sure they do their jobs.

I would write him up regardless and since you offered him a way out and he didn't take it I'd write him up till my pen ran out of ink.

I give every problem employee 3 choices.

1. You can do the Job.
2. You can quit.
3. I can fire you.

Simple terms anyone can follow.
Good luck to you, stay strong.

teans are teens

Why do you care if they like you or not if you don't like them?

By the way, -15 is correct

salukigirl,

In my opinion you are neither neurotic or a jerk! It sounds like you are working with a bunch of kids that never learned any manners and they’d “hate” anyone in your position, man or woman.

I must compliment you on following the golden rule of being a supervisor, praise in public and discipline in private. You did not lower yourself to their level responding to him in public, but took the situation in private. This tells me that you are very good at your job.

Long ago I accepted the fact that not everyone had the same work ethics as I do. You don’t go to work to make friends; if you happen to that’s great. Not that the people that you’re dealing with would be on my buddy list. Although I have to say, I have worked with people that used drugs recreationally (NOT my thing) that have been perfectly good workers and I’ve gotten along fine with them. I’ve also had the misfortune of getting my best friend a job where I was employed and discovered that she was NOT a good worker, and spent more time and energy avoiding work than completing it. That friendship suffered greatly.

I have been told that I come off…gruff… I had one co-worker give me the Berenstain Bears “Please and Thank You” Book for my birthday. My response was that they are adults, I should not have to ASK them to do their job, I certainly wasn’t going to say please!

In my experience I get along very well with people that work well. Even though I am not a patient person, apparently I am able to hide it well enough because new people, that had a desire to learn their job well, requested me to train them. I HATED it, but I did it because if one of those people bid on my line to work for me, I knew they were trained well, and they knew what I expected.

Keep up the good work!

Wooops....sorry I misunderstood the ages....but it really doesn't matter as far as respect goes.

I know a lot of folks that have issues with having a younger boss. Maybe that's what their issue is??

Whatever the case is...I know it's not easy and I don't envy your situation. Been there done that...don't wanna do it anymore myself...LOL

Good luck!!


sabby

wow... perna... you went through all that trouble just to prove me wrong? i didnt add that its only snowed once which wasnt even 2 inches and was gone the next day. plus its been about 70 degrees the past few days. He was saying that about a day when we were walking around in short sleeves. and that graph isnt even clear. im pretty sure what youre looking at are the records...not averages. plus thats not even the point. that really strikes me as childish that you would do that just to make a point that isnt even what were talking about. just my opinion. this was supposed to be about supporting me.... not trying to prove me wrong with something like weather.

the problem is that our main boss, the GM, is a pothead who drinks a lot also. he is the type that does want to make friends with everyone. so if he has to say something that might jeopardize people liking him he wont. so everyone in there knows that they can walk all over people and the GM wont do anything because they sell him weed. he is 30! its kind of pathetic. I gave up since were moving in 6 months. Just sucks feeling like, even though I have the title, there are only a few people who genuinely respect me. its a college town and i am not a typical college student. so i dont fit in very well. thats why were moving back to cincy.

saluk, i live in the number one college party town (report from a few years back) ... so i understand the atmosphere you're in...

slackers.... hard to soar like an eagle... well, you have the experience and the title and the ref.... wherever you're going it'll help...

Sorry you did not find my post helpful in any way.

Yes, sounds like you may work with childish jerks that do not respect you. I do not think your feelings, attitudes, or opinions indicate that you are either neurotic or a jerk.

well... today... i was a total *****! I mean, no expression on my face, not saying one word to him... and he was nice to me. go figure. thats what he responds to.... me being a ***** lol.

this morning i got up at 8 and noticed my dog wasnt acting right. she was really lethargic and not moving so i took her to the vet for an emergency and got her x-rays and it turns out she has arthritis. i was there for an hour and a half and ended up being late for work by half an hour plus spent 185 bucks at the vet to find out she is just old lol. plus when i got to work and the truck was never put away. so i was in the worst mood and showed it visibly and thats when he stayed away from me and just did his job.

then later when i wasnt so mad and i was talking to the other delivery driver he started back with his interrupting and being stupid again. so i found what he responds to and what scares him... but i dont want to have to act mad for hours on end at work just to get him to do his job and shut up. ugh. oh well... hes scared of me now lol

He may need more guidance to distinquish professional and social boundaries. He sounds needy for attention and thinks its okay to be a gabby worker.

I'd suggest you maintain a very professional demenor for a few days. Reintroduce casual conversations in the mix gradually to model for him a proper work ethic.

I've wanted to ask if you are working with experienced employees or is this a first job for this guy or any of the others.

Building teams with difficult people is the ultimate challenge. If you can pull it off it you will have acquired a highly marketable skill for your own resume.

A good book off the top of my head..... "Getting to Yes"... can't think of the authors name but its a very popular management book. Been around for a long time so might even pick it up in a used book store.

If you like reading and you are interested in leadership.... here are a couple of others that are my all time favourites.... both by Max Dupree entitled "The Art of Leadership" or "Leadership is an Art" forget which way it goes..... and the second book.... "Leadership Jazz". Great books.

Good luck. You do have your hands full. But he did give you a good clue. Structure and consistancy. Be the boss not a friend. Set the pace and model the ethic. Hope for the best.

Take care.....

i know... this is a weird one. i have never worked with someone who couldnt handle both being a friend and a boss. its almost like he has no filter in his brain. someone might think "wow... this is weird" but keep it to themselves. he has to say it. its like whatever come into his head... has to come out his mouth.

were only here for another 6 months before we move and the store im transferring to i already know all the employees and get along great with them so hopefully it wont be so bad there.

i think he has had other jobs before this one. i think the biggest problem with him and this other kid is that they sell drug on the side. most of the money they make is through selling drugs and this is just for government purposes so as to not look suspicious. but for me.. i survive off this job. so to him, its not a big deal if he gets fired, gets in trouble... he doesnt care about it but i do. i have to go above and beyond because my survival depends on my job. theres no way i could get another job paying me what i get paid now so im not going to screw it up but thats not an issue to him. and i guess without that need he just doesnt have any work ethics left.

thanks for your sugestion chocolatelover - ill try that. when school starts next week ill be closing instead of opening so i probably wont work with him but maybe a day a week, if that.

thanks for everyone's responses.

Let's just hope the next 6 months are a little less eventful for you. Good luck. Sounds like you have a good sense of what you are facing. Different priorities always make for challenging colaborations.

Take care..........