license to be a jerk

Do you think that a head injury gives someone the right to be down right rotten to a person. Emotionally and verbally abusive calls me every name in the book and throws stuff. A total blow up (to the point where I'm half tempted to call the cops) then an hour later all is normal like nothing happened. What the #ell?

He feels he's excused from all his actions. He maybe able forget easily (head injury, no memory), but I can't that easily forget how I was just treated. Most of the time I just brush it off considering his condition. But sometimes I just get to thinking how messed up it is.

Just wondering if anyone else goes through this and how much they put up with.

I was a friend with a man who suffered TBI. I was his ONLY friend, and it was extremely difficult, especially since we lived in the same apartment building. He became quite aggressive (and even violent) at the drop of a hat. I stayed friends with him despite the behaviour for several years. Thankfully, I now live in a different state, and don't have face to face interaction daily.

I could not even imagine living with someone with TBI. You have my best thoughts and wishes. And to answer your question, NO no one has the right to act in such a way.

Take care,
Dee

(((((((((((( vetswife )))))))))))))

TBI is such a difficult thing for loved ones to deal with. I have cared for folks with TBI in my profession and it's so hard to see what they go through as well as their family and friends.

I suppose that the TBI causes the lashing out, and the TBI causes the lack of memory. So it's a no win situation for the ones who have to deal with it day in and day out. How do we continue to keep the understanding in our minds and hearts that this individual is not the same person they were before the accident when things happen that are hurtful and our emotions are raw? I wish I had the answer to that question. Beyond getting as much education about TBI as we can get, and getting the emotional support that caregivers/family/friends need to continue in the relationships with those with TBI, I don't know what more we can do. But I do know how difficult it all is, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it all. It can be exhausting to say the least.

I do hope you are getting some kind of support and assistance for yourself hon. You deserve it!


sabby

There is NO license to be a jerk, under any circumstances, even brain injury.......yes, it is tragic that such an injury occurred, but what you are going through is equally tragic.......one has to be accountable for their actions, without excuses......what is the communication going here, he acts like nothing happened, do you honestly inform that YES ACTUALLY SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED HERE, and that YOU are suffering too? You count, vetswife...

Sometimes he doesn't remember the event at all. Other times he blows it off, like I'm over re-acting and being ridiculous. Every once in a while he’ll apologize (like when he threw the dinner I made out the door and broke my good casserole dish) I think when there is physical evidence of his actions he apologizes (proof lol) .

All of his injuries and personality flaws has caused a strain on our relationship so much so that he sleeps in the basement (It's a finished basement), and I sleep upstairs. Usually with the kids, I don't like to be alone. We basically co-exist in the same house. Sometimes I find myself avoiding his presence as much as possible.

Sometimes he can be okay, I never really know who I will be greeted with from day to day (I joke around to my family and say it's like living with Jeckle and Hyde). If he was psychologically analyzed I'd probably have a better idea of what we're dealing with.

I know I have posted on him before and I'm sorry that people have to listen to my repeat myself.

He has a boat load of problems.

He is physically torn up...

-Accident...Broken neck, broken T-spine (titanium rods in spine). Collar bone and clavicle were broken, so were ribs, a drainage pipe went through his helmet and into his head, his right arm is paralyzed (brachial plexus injury). He went into cardiac arrest 3 times. (This was all almost 8 years ago), most of the injuries are permanent.

-On top of this I believe he has PTSD from desert storm. His knee is trashed from being shot and he was also shot in the hip.

-I also believe he abuses his pain medication. Takes too much, not the right way.

I'm really sorry for repeating myself. My subjects are different but it always leads to the same responses (my responses not everyone elses)!

I love to hear everyone elses response, it makes me feel better; it makes me feel like I matter and that it's not all about him and what he went through. I know he's been through a lot and I feel terribly guilty for feeling sorry for myself. When I right about it I realize that I'm being selfish and I should except him for who he is and try harder to understand and help.

Thank you everyone for your response it makes a big difference in my coping with this!

((((((((((vetswife))))))))))

you DO matter, and its NOT all about him, or at least it shouldn't be. you take care of him, you take care of his children, and i don't know the situation but am relatively sure that without you he would be much worse off than he is. he should realize this and treat you with at least some respect for the fact that you continue to stand by him even when he is a jerk. jmho

lost

I am sorry you are going through this. Others have much insights into the situation than I do. It sounds very difficult.

Keep insisting that he get into therapy for his emotional states. Even with TBI which is physical, he has to work on reactions etc and better ways to limit those reactions when he is frustrated and overwhelmed...when the TBI responses can be more severe. Tell him to get help or get out? Whatever words you need to say to make him hear. He probably doesn't really realize how serious this is, since he doesn't remember so much of it. PTSD is just as bad and he can be dangerous to you and the children left untreated.

Be strong...and safe.

I think sometimes with veterans it can be tricky to say the least. alot of times they use their disabilities as excuses. They need to be held accountable for bad behavior. yes some may truely be due to the injury but still that does not excuse it. make him accountable hon.

I think you are all right. Next time he has a big blow up, I'm going to insist that he gets treatment. I've tried to take him to a crisis center before and he wasn't having it. I've threatened to leave and he threatens that he would never let me leave alive. I'm going to have to call his bluff and just leave the next time he treats me like this. I've tried leaving before and he wouldn't physically let me out the door. I'll have to wait until he is gone or sleeping to pack the kids up and go. I would never be able to get him out of the house without police involvement and I don't want it to go that far. I just want to get my point across.

Today was a good day. He was in a great mood and was helpful. I wish it was always like this. I guess now it's just a waiting game, we'll see if I have the guts to do it when the time comes!

Thank you all for your advice, I'm going to give it a shot!

He really needs to get into treatment. I have a TBI and it is not fun to live with. Mood swings, forgetfulness and feelings of impending doom. One period of time I'm on top of the world, the next I'm having a crisis for a few days.
My wife has lived with me this way for 35 years. I have control over it without meds and have done quite well.

I don't know if it is related to tthe TBI but, I refuse to take meds. I use meditation, exersize and health diet. I avoid refinded sugar, artifical anything, preservatives, trans fats and MSG. Most of the time I feel good and when I feel a turn coming on I use the meditation and distraction methods.

Good luck with your husband and know that you are in my prayers.

Eric

(((((((vetswife)))))) all i want to say is my ex-husband was also ex-forces with head injury and i feel for you.

pm me any time and i mean that ok?

(((((((((((( vetswife )))))))))))))

I hope in my previous post I did not make you feel as if you didn't matter in this situation. It certainly was not my intention to convey that at all. You most certainly do matter as well as your children and husband.

Yes, TBI is very very difficult to live with on all sides of the equation. And sometimes, do to the severeness of the TBI, the situation is so difficult and unsafe. I completely agree with Sky in that he does need to have services in order to help him learn new ways of thinking and dealing. The brain is an amazing thing....in many cases it can be taught to work in different ways. And people with TBI can learn techniques to help them deal with their injuries and behavior issues.

The most important thing is to keep you and your children safe through all of this. If you must leave the situation, then please do your best to plan for it. Find out your options and what the community has to offer you and your children. If you must leave quickly for safety reasons, please do not worry about taking your belongings....but, have all your important papers in a safe and accessible place that you can grab and go if need be. If something like this happens, the court system/local police dept can help you retrieve your belongings safely after you have left and gotten to safety.

In the meantime, why not have a talk with your husband about getting help BEFORE there is another blowup? Trying to talk to your husband when he is off the deepend will not be successful and may only inflame the situation. Before having a talk with him, why not look into some options for him so you have them available to hand him when you have your conversation. Give him options to choose from....something he can help decide on his own where to turn. Maybe in that way he will feel like he can help himself instead of feeling like he is being forced?

I don't know if any of these ideas are helpful to you. I can only imagine what you all must be going through. My best thoughts and prayers go out to all of you.


sabby

Wishing you the best with this difficult situation-Angel

Are there battered women's shelters, in your community, as in many, where one can show up with their kids too, and the shelter will protect you and your kids from any attempts on his part to harm you for leaving...I do believe it is 24 hour so doing it while he is sleeping is a good idea............

Thank you all.

Sabby, I think that is a good idea. If the situation comes up where I have to leave I will leave some information for him and maybe a letter too. So far I've been able to handle him and he hasn't hurt anyone physically. I really don't think I need to involve the cops here. If I do it will be on a personal level where I go into the station and talk to them about my situation and ask if they can talk to him. It's a very small town and all the cops know my husband. The chief of police use to be his uncles partner (he's a retired detective). They all kind of know of the situation and that he is not all there. I don't want to resort to calling 911.

50Guy that sounds so much like my husband. Its good know that this doesn't have to be forever. That there is help for him if he seeks it and wants it. I hate how you can't make people do things.

RozG and Angel of the past thank you for your support and kind words.

Junerain I'm hoping that step is not necessary, he has never hurt anyone physically. I think I'd be okay at my Moms. If I ever thought he was in a violent phychotic state, I would call the police to make him go to a crisis center.

RozG, thank you so much for the offer, it's nice to know that you are so willing to be there for others. My husband was special forces for the Navy; he has lots of little corks. He stashes knives everywhere, I found one in my visor of my truck, I've found them under the mattress, in the rafters in the basement, on top of the entertainment system, on my bakers rack, no place suprises me. (he won't have a gun in the house he doesn't trust himself). Plus knives was his forte. Luckily I have quick reflexes, one time I snuck up on him (I learned that is a big no, no, won't ever do that again lol!). I have to call him before I come home that way he knows it's me walking through the door. I wake him from a distance (learned that quickly too). If he is woken in a deep sleep he will wake in another world sometimes not a good on (he sleep walks and talks), so I let him sleep were he falls. One time he woke up thinking he was reading something in Arabic (don't want him to wake in that world!) And lots of little stuff like the way he has to have his cloths folded and he labels everything that is his, ect..

Thank you everyone for your responses, advice and kind words. This is a really great support system for me. I have a large family but they don't understand, they don't view it from a distance, they will immediately hate him. With all the kids it's impossible to get out, so this works wonderfully for me. Thank you all!

Sorry for the long response, again!

I was married to a total pig for fifteen years in the end I left all I took with me was my five children the eldest being 12 the youngest 11 months.(I had so many as I was so unhappy and saw no way out of my situation he wouldnt leave and I thought I couldnt, the children was for me)

Best thing I ever did, he is still a pig and the kids are still wonderful I got the better end of the deal all he got was the house which is rotting around his ears.