I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry. It‘s painful. And sad. But you’ll pull through. You’ll rise. Hugs.

Thanks.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 08:26 AM

Even though I was going to divorce him anyways, this morning (after he left sobbing), my only response to him by text was this:

"I hope your little affair was worth losing me over, and worth breaking up and losing our entire marriage. Don't defend yourself any further."

And now he's begging for another chance. This was predictable.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 08:40 AM

He's begging and pleading now. I am remaining strong and steadfast. He cannot talk me out of this. NOT this time. The damage is FAR too great. Trust is completely ruined.

At least I have ONE concrete thing he CANNOT talk me out of: infidelity.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 08:50 AM

I also did the unthinkable the other day, while in my red flaring RAGE towards him.

I texted his mother and informed her of his abuse towards me. I told her that she should know her son is in fact, abusive. And I listed out for her how exactly he's treated me: yelling, screaming, berating, controlling, mean, and insulting. I also told her of his infidelity, and that I am divorcing him.

I texted his sister in law too, and said the same exact things to her.

Neither one replied, naturally.

I am a truth teller. I know that this was foolish of me, but I do foolish things in the heat of the moment.

KBMK · Nov 25, 2020, 08:55 AM

It is really sad @HaveHope I feel your pain! It's not your fault you got seduced by this fantasy. I bet he was incredibly convincing. It's hard to know the difference between being seduced and captivated, or being won over. You could still be won over by someone and build your dreams together.
Your EX ABUSER was never going to make your dreams come true, just use you to make his come true.
It's sad you had to learn that the hard way, but DO NOT let him take your dreams from you!
Big hugs

you are stronger than you know!

KBMK · Nov 25, 2020, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I also did the unthinkable the other day, while in my red flaring RAGE towards him.

I texted his mother and informed her of his abuse towards me. I told her that she should know her son is in fact, abusive. And I listed out for her how exactly he's treated me: yelling, screaming, berating, controlling, mean, and insulting. I also told her of his infidelity, and that I am divorcing him.

I texted his sister in law too, and said the same exact things to her.

Neither one replied, naturally.

I am a truth teller. I know that this was foolish of me, but I do foolish things in the heat of the moment.

This isn't necessarily foolish. If they have doubt in their minds about whether he tells the truth (I bet they do) they may well be less likely to support him outright.
If they're asking him questions that slow down his progress, that could be good.
Do prioritize your safety though please!

guy1111 · Nov 25, 2020, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@guy1111,

I’m sure you don’t mean to be, but you’re coming across as overly critical of me.

My plan is to get my own lawyer, file for divorce and then inform my husband.

When I faced him with divorce one week ago, I did not have a lawyer, and I did not file. My husband, being the abusive controlling a-hole he is, told me to use his lawyer and demanded I create a list of all my apt belongings. I refused. He refused to continue paying my health insurance. To make a long story short, I backed down because I don’t have a lawyer or my ducks in a row.

I’m doing this the way that works best for me right now, but I will get my own lawyer when it’s time.

Ok, sorry about that. I was trying to help you out since you asked what you should do. It's hard to see someone go through divorce. It sounds like you have good direction. I hope things go your way!

Keep fighting for your peace and hapiness!

guy1111 · Nov 25, 2020, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@guy1111, sorry... I am very much on edge, and I read your post as being critical.

I know you mean to be supportive, and you have been all along.

To be clear, I am definitely getting my own lawyer and I will be the one filing for divorce, not him. I will not work through his lawyer, and I will not allow my husband to bully me into working with his lawyer.

And that's what my husband tried to do when I mentioned divorce a week ago. He called HIS lawyer immediately, then he tried bully me into creating this so-called list for his lawyer. I wasn't having any of that, and told him so... I told him, I am NOT using YOUR lawyer - I am getting my own.

I just want to be clear. And you need to know that my husband IS a mean bully. He is very controlling and loves to dictate and take control of everything. It's very hard for me to deal with when he gets that way. He was insistent that I create that list immediately and the very next day. F that. I wasn't going to let him bully me into doing something I did not feel was in my best interests. I knew in that moment that I need my own lawyer, and that in no way. was I even prepared to actually start the process of divorce.

Right on! You sound much more focused and in control. My last reply I hadn't read this post yet. No need to apologize

I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Keep it up! Sorry about the hair thing. I remember that being a big deal. Totally understand!

You are a strong awesome person!

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2020, 09:20 AM

Well they may not respond but they know you are right. It’s not his first rodeo. He said he was kissing some woman while married to his ex. Of course it was her fault. And all the other things

Nov 25, 2020, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

After learning of him cheating on me, and after this being the 4th or so time

I'm sorry I don't follow, I haven't read every message posted here, so could you bring me up to speed about that cheating? I may have some good point regarding... I know about texting that girl from work. What about the rest?

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

This isn't necessarily foolish. If they have doubt in their minds about whether he tells the truth (I bet they do) they may well be less likely to support him outright.
If they're asking him questions that slow down his progress, that could be good.
Do prioritize your safety though please!

Thank you.

I hope they DO question it now. This is why I wanted to let the cat out of the bag, and let the truth be known.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Ok, sorry about that. I was trying to help you out since you asked what you should do. It's hard to see someone go through divorce. It sounds like you have good direction. I hope things go your way!

Keep fighting for your peace and hapiness!

THANK YOU, @guy1111!

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Right on! You sound much more focused and in control. My last reply I hadn't read this post yet. No need to apologize

Keep it up! Sorry about the hair thing. I remember that being a big deal. Totally understand!

You are a strong awesome person!

@guy1111,

Yes, the hair thing has ALWAYS been a point of contention for me.

And thanks SO much.... honestly, I wouldn't be making it through this without all your and everyone's support here!!!

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well they may not respond but they know you are right. It’s not his first rodeo. He said he was kissing some woman while married to his ex. Of course it was her fault. And all the other things

EXACTLY. I hope they at least WONDER about it.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I'm sorry I don't follow, I haven't read every message posted here, so could you bring me up to speed about that cheating? I may have some good point regarding... I know about texting that girl from work. What about the rest?

@MisterPaul, I've been cheated on by several different partners in the past. My husband knew of this, we had at least 100 conversations about infidelity, he promised me repeatedly that he would never do ANYTHING to hurt me in that way, and he repeatedly promised he would never betray me. Then he did. He lied to me all this time. And my gut all this time told me he could cheat on me because I had caught him in multiples lies about other things. So I didn't trust him in general.

My gut instinct was correct, it turns out.

Nov 25, 2020, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@MisterPaul, I've been cheated on by several different partners in the past. My husband knew of this, we had at least 100 conversations about infidelity, he promised me repeatedly that he would never do ANYTHING to hurt me in that way, and he repeatedly promised he would never betray me. Then he did. He lied to me all this time. And my gut all this time told me he could cheat on me because I had caught him in multiples lies about other things. So I didn't trust him in general.

My gut instinct was correct, it turns out.

Did he sleep with somebody else?

Point being is that most of narc are very flirty on daily basis. It's all about attention and who in the world can boost his self-esteem better than a woman? No one. I'm not saying that he did nothing wrong. I'm saying that this situation may be an outcome of an another narcisstic pattern. Just a thought.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Did he sleep with somebody else?

Point being is that most of narc are very flirty on daily basis. It's all about attention and who in the world can boost his self-esteem better than a woman? No one. I'm not saying that he did nothing wrong. I'm saying that this situation may be an outcome of an another narcisstic pattern. Just a thought.

I do not know if they actually became physical. And of course, he would never tell me the truth, so I will never know.

But yes, I am aware of this about narcs needing female attn. I picked up on this in him long ago, and that's also what raised my suspicions that he could cheat on me eventually.

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2020, 11:19 AM

I’d consider this type of texting cheating. Not every texts between opposite gender is cheating of course. But this kind I’d consider unacceptable and unfaithful and that would be the end for me. Cheating is not just sleeping with someone

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 11:53 AM

It most certainly IS cheating.

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2020, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

It most certainly IS cheating.

If I was texting a man while in bed with my husband that I am thinking of him and hope to see him in my dreams I am sure my husband would consider it cheating.

I understand other people have more flexible understanding of cheating or even willing to tolerate that but most people would not be ok with this at all.

Nov 25, 2020, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

It most certainly IS cheating.

If they slept with each other it'd be worse. It may be a sloppy advice but sometimes I like to think that picturing a worse case scenario can help with the healing.

As much as I respect your opinions and perspectives, I still believe that this situation was rather "it was close" than cheating. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to start an argument. I'm just looking for some aspects of the situation that could be helpful to you, HH.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

If they slept with each other it'd be worse. It may be a sloppy advice but sometimes I like to think that picturing a worse case scenario can help with the healing.

As much as I respect your opinions and perspectives, I still believe that this situation was rather "it was close" than cheating. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to start an argument. I'm just looking for some aspects of the situation that could be helpful to you, HH.

Thanks. They could have been physical together, but I have no idea, and I will never know.

I am trying not to think about it too much anymore and I am trying to just focus on my recovery and getting him out of the house so I can move on and be happier.

If I focus too much on the actual details, it hurts too much for me. Even if it wasn't physical, it was still an infidelity, a lie and a betrayal, which still hurts.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 01:11 PM

A girlfriend invited me up to her place out of state, an hour away for the night Friday night. I can stay in a guest bedroom. It would mean leaving him alone in the apartment for the entire night. He COULD end up inviting HER or some other female over while I am gone, for all I know. He could sleep with someone else right away OR go to HER place that night so he can sleep with HER.

I am playing out this scenario in my mind and I don't know if I should leave. I know that what he does from now on is none of my actual business, but emotionally it HURTS deeply to think he would do something like that.

I told him IF I go away for the night, that he CANNOT invite ANY female over to OUR apartment.

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2020, 01:24 PM

Well you can’t control what he does. If he doesn’t invite someone over he can still go to someone’s house while you are at home too. He could say he is going to a hotel or friends house or work on the weekend and in reality that’s not what he’ll be doing.

It doesn’t mean you can’t ever leave.

There are women who watch their husband like a hawk afraid he’ll cheat their whole life. But if he is the type to cheat, he’ll cheat. You can’t watch him all day. He’d cheat on a lunch break.

Go to your girlfriends house. That’s great she invited you. That’s the best

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2020, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well you can’t control what he does. If he doesn’t invite someone over he can still go to someone’s house while you are at home too. He could say he is going to a hotel or friends house or work on the weekend and in reality that’s not what he’ll be doing.

It doesn’t mean you can’t ever leave.

There are women who watch their husband like a hawk afraid he’ll cheat their whole life. But if he is the type to cheat, he’ll cheat. You can’t watch him all day. He’d cheat on a lunch break.

Go to your girlfriends house. That’s great she invited you. That’s the best

I know. What you say is true. I have to emotionally let go of him.

Yes, it's awesome she invited me. I told her the truth about his abuse AND the infidelity. She is on my side. She's a part of our mutual friends group. In fact, I've now reached out to multiple people privately and individually to tell them the full truth. I want to keep these friends, and I want them on my side. He may spout off lies to them about me, but I am being preemptive and proactive about it now.

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