[Discombobulated]

I am starting this thread in the hope people will please share experiences and insights into how they have developed friendships in nature adulthood.

In my experience it gets harder as we age and many people are already in established friendship groups and not necessarily open to new friends (although they may like the person).

I am not talking about how to meet people but rather how we develop those friendships - this is actually the bit I find difficult so in the past I have had acquaintances but not friends really. I am working on this and trying to develop new friendships but it's not always easy.

Thoughts?

[Discombobulated]

I want to add I have feedback I am a good listener but I find it difficult to contribute sometimes to conversation, I know sharing our thoughts and feelings is part of developing friendships.

[Fuzzybear]

I've had feedback I'm a good listener too. I think being a good listener is a very important quality in a friend. And for me, I like people with empathy. (and I like sensitive people but not so much that they imagine slights when none are there)

I always value your posts here on pc. I think you are a great member and I consider you a friend here. I think some groups of adults are more open to new friends than others. I tend to avoid people a lot

Hugs

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I am starting this thread in the hope people will please share experiences and insights into how they have developed friendships in nature adulthood.

Thoughts?

I learned to stop worrying about what I don't have and be grateful for what I have. My husband and I have mostly been very close throughout our marriage (though my mental health issues and issues concerning raising our children nearly destroyed our marriage) and we are working together better and I feel better about my role--I don't feel codependent on how he feels to feel good about myself anymore! I am grateful that our children live with us and get to see them everyday but no longer feel responsible for their happiness. Their happiness is up to them. I try to email or call my family more than I used to. Sometimes I do better staying in touch but the boringness of the lockdown gives me less to talk about.

COVID has also made it harder to get out their amongst people our own age. I hope to some day go to the church that I have been attending online. Who knows when that will happen--it seems like a distant dream right now.

You ARE a great listener and I am grateful for your friendship. In addition to being a great listener, you are extraordinarily loyal (something I need to improve about myself) and sympathetic to all that are suffering in this world. I admire you for all the volunteer work you have done in the past (I assume COVID has shut some of these opportunities down). You are the best!!!

[sarahsweets]

I think it helps to have a commonality and exposure to groups and socialization that has a common interest. I have made some great friends due to AA.

[Discombobulated]

@sarahsweets yes I agree common interests are a good start - shared values and goals. That is good you have made friends through AA and I imagine mutual support has been a part of that.

@TunedOut thankyou so much for your kind words! I agree lockdown made it hard to sustain conversations when so little was happening in our day to day lives and of course it limited our opportunities for meeting up. I actually developed a new friendship in lockdown with someone I knew many years on acquaintances level it kind of focussed me more on what was truly important. I am a little reserved in nature and it is often hard for me to make first moves.

@Fuzzybear thank you fuzzy! I do regard you as a friend too - I do hope you aren't avoiding too many people irl, this is something I have done too because it feels safer. You are right some groups are more open than others and it's a case of spotting those opportunities to develop friendships whilst also being discerning about who we mix with.

Haven't read the replies yet. But here's mine. Friendships, just like romantic relationships, take work and open communication and respect. Sometimes, that work is working on ourselves so that we are able and open to give and receive friendship (just an example would be working on one's self esteem and social fears - challenging them). But we also have to show up consistently for friendship. Whether that's just continuing to go to the cooking class we signed up for (putting ourselves out there), or actually actively nurturing the friendships we have already. This means checking in once a week maybe, or biweekly, by text, and setting up times to meet. There's a fine line too, when a friend gets busy. Or we get busy. They may not have as much time for us. Or we them. I think this is where respect for the other person comes in as well as a strong self esteem.

[Discombobulated]

That's great input thanks @WovenGalaxy

I think maintenance is a good point. I think this is one area I am better in than in the past. I let a lot of contacts drift, I wasn't as good at keeping in touch especially when my family was young.

It's funny though I have a casual friend who I used to see a lot more with an activity we shared and we drifted apart. I texted her a while back and apologised for letting things drift but she texted back a friendly reply saying it was a 2 way thing and she also hadn't got in touch so no need to apologise but she was always happy to see me. It feels like there are friendships (less close) where sometimes contact can drift and it's okay.

I think closer friendship needs more work though like you say WG. And I agree there are definitely times when life gets busy and people can't stay in touch and respecting and understanding that is important.

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

That's great input thanks @WovenGalaxy

I think maintenance is a good point. I think this is one area I am better in than in the past. I let a lot of contacts drift, I wasn't as good at keeping in touch especially when my family was young.

It's funny though I have a casual friend who I used to see a lot more with an activity we shared and we drifted apart. I texted her a while back and apologised for letting things drift but she texted back a friendly reply saying it was a 2 way thing and she also hadn't got in touch so no need to apologise but she was always happy to see me. It feels like there are friendships (less close) where sometimes contact can drift and it's okay.

I think closer friendship needs more work though like you say WG. And I agree there are definitely times when life gets busy and people can't stay in touch and respecting and understanding that is important.

Yeah, I agree, there's levels of friendships and different behaviors apply to different levels.

[Bill3]

Perhaps seeing (if safe) or speaking on the phone/skyping with that casual friend you mentioned would be a good place to start?

It feels like there are friendships (less close) where sometimes contact can drift and it's okay.

I agree that it can be okay, as it evidently is here. On the other hand, though, the benefit, the pleasure, the intimacy, the growth from the friendship can be reduced when there is a lot of drifting.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I am starting this thread in the hope people will please share experiences and insights into how they have developed friendships in nature adulthood.


In my experience it gets harder as we age and many people are already in established friendship groups and not necessarily open to new friends (although they may like the person).


I am not talking about how to meet people but rather how we develop those friendships - this is actually the bit I find difficult so in the past I have had acquaintances but not friends really. I am working on this and trying to develop new friendships but it's not always easy.


Thoughts?

You know what's funny? I feel like I've developed friendships in my late 30s and early 40s more easily than I ever did. It's important to understand the progression of friendship. First it will be superficial with shared interests. Then with more sharing of time and personal information, you will share more of your core identity. Some people you will get very close with, they will know you and your inner thoughts. Others will just be friends that you do activities with.

For me, the friends that have become very close, it's really just been taking the time to hang out, get to know each other, take it slow, and let it build. My best friend I met here on PC in 2017. We started out as anonymous people. Now we have actually hung out in person, besides video calls frequently and doing the Netflix party thing.

Another example, at the beginning of the pandemic I met a woman through Nextdoor. We live in the same complex and arranged doggy playdates for our dogs. Once a week turned into twice a week turned into every day, turned into gardening jaunts together, and now she actually works with me and is a great friend. (She's texting me now, lol.)

I have a nextdoor neighbor who is older and is trying to connect. I'm trying to make time to engage with her and get to know her. She joins me on dog walks occasionally.

I think you have to take it slowly at first and really make sure they are someone you are comfortable opening up to. Friendships don't grow over night. Also, it's important to look for people who are also looking for friendships.

I think it's also important to be comfortable with yourself. If you approach a new friendship like you're looking just for someone to lean on, that might not go off well with someone who is looking for a friend too. People don't want to be a stand in therapist. So just be careful that your time with new friends isn't all about getting support. Not saying this is you, but I think we often get lonely and then as adults come off more needy when we try to build friendships.

Hope this helps.

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Perhaps seeing (if safe) or speaking on the phone/skyping with that casual friend you mentioned would be a good place to start?


I agree that it can be okay, as it evidently is here. On the other hand, though, the benefit, the pleasure, the intimacy, the growth from the friendship can be reduced when there is a lot of drifting.

Yes I was brave and suggested a meet up with this new friend when lockdown ended - then I wondered if she wanted to meet up again as it was about a month later before she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I think people generally take turns in the early stages at least. I did not want to be the overly keen needy friend so held back - then 3rd meet I suggested and she said yes. We have new restrictions here now so it will be on hold a while as cannot see people outside of household.

Yes I agree about the drifting and this other friend and me are not close but I do really like her - we once shared an activity but she no longer does that activity so this fits in what Seesaw says about different types of friend.

[Discombobulated]

@seesaw I really like what you wrote. I do take things slowly, I am very cautious by nature, and I think this is good.

Not using people for support also seems very good advice. I had someone do that to me once and it was my failing that I did not effectively voice I was uncomfortable with that to them. I got worn down by it, they used me to vent. This person fast tracked me very quickly into an intense friendship which I at first found flattering I think (they must really like me kind of thing) but then felt stifled. I am trying to reset that friendship with better boundaries because I do essentially like that person. I wouldn't like to do to others what they did to me.

I like what you wrote about progression of friendship- you sound like you have learned a lot about healthy friendships.

[Bill3]

this other friend and me are not close but I do really like her - we once shared an activity but she no longer does that activity so this fits in what Seesaw says about different types of friend.

Maybe the friendship can come to transcend the (formerly) shared interest since it seems that you both like each other. Keep planting seeds!

I agree, not too many seeds--but also not too few.

[guy1111]

What I have learned is that it is good to be specific in what you need in a friend. For instance I have silly hang out friends that I can just goof off and say whatever with. I don't really talk about anything deep with them but that's ok. Then I have friends I can confide in, but I tend to be more reserved with them because they tend to be more sensitive.

You can find the former at a bowling alley, disc golf course, etc. The latter you can find at self help groups, churches, etc.

And some friends are in between or don't fall into any specific category. The key I learned is to let go of too many expectations. Friends are just friends.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by guy1111

The key I learned is to let go of too many expectations. Friends are just friends.

Maybe I could add: friends are just humans. They will act in the way humans do...

[Prycejosh1987]

I think as we grow older its easier to make good friendships but its harder to find people that will less us in. In other words, its harder to make friends with people that are older because of the baggage they carry, partners and kids. I found it much easier to make friends when i was young, i had an abundance of friends.

[RoxanneToto]

I’ve never found it easy to make friends, at any age. I had a “best” friend but we drifted apart and she went radio silent after my birthday. I’d got to the point where I felt uncomfortable being with her as well, as we mostly ended up watching videos on her phone/tv and it was hard to make conversation or encourage her to do anything more interactive.
Reading some of these posts does give me some encouragement to try again, not with her, but in general.

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I think as we grow older its easier to make good friendships but its harder to find people that will less us in. In other words, its harder to make friends with people that are older because of the baggage they carry, partners and kids. I found it much easier to make friends when i was young, i had an abundance of friends.

As I've gotten older, it's been very difficult to try to make friends. It's a combination of old friends drifting apart, not having much in common with the people out there now, and finding that people around my age are kind of weird. Well, maybe I'm weird, too.

I think about all of the friends and acquaintances I had when I was younger, like in college. In thinking back, I had so much more going for me back then than I do now. I thought that I didn't have much back then. It would be nice if I could hear from those people from the past, but that doesn't seem possible.

[herbal tea]

It's really harder to make friends in adulthood. Especially when you already have a family, you are building a career and you do not have much free time.
From my experience, I can tell you how I started a friendship as an adult.
It wasn't planned, I wasn't looking for friends. I just did repairs at home and I was recommended a team of workers. The repairs took a long time, about 4 months, and I was almost always in the house, so I had to communicate with the staff. And one of them turned out to be a very interesting person, we had many common interests. In 2 months we started to invite each other to visit, to ask for help. The renovation finished, but our friendship remains.

[scarlett35]

I'm the same and also wondering how. At work for instance I know a few people but find it hard to develop into a proper friendship. Whereas others seem to manage this with ease. I think for me, being a listener is good but you also need to share as well. I find I'm too scared to share things because I'm busy concentrating on how I am perceived. I worry I will bore the person. Because of this though nobody knows anything about me, or very little! I think friendship is about give and take, but it is more difficult as an adult. I totally agree!

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by scarlett35

I'm the same and also wondering how. At work for instance I know a few people but find it hard to develop into a proper friendship. Whereas others seem to manage this with ease. I think for me, being a listener is good but you also need to share as well. I find I'm too scared to share things because I'm busy concentrating on how I am perceived. I worry I will bore the person. Because of this though nobody knows anything about me, or very little! I think friendship is about give and take, but it is more difficult as an adult. I totally agree!

Yes I think this is a good point. Do you also have trust issues? I think this can contribute to finding it hard to share things.

[Discombobulated]

In full lockdown again at the moment so everything in on hold with friendships except for phone and texting. I notice I am becoming a little reclusive and my social anxiety is making a return. I fell out of touch with a lot of peripheral contacts this year which I guess is to be expected.

I would like to resume developing friendships when things are more normal but it isn't really realistic right now.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yes I think this is a good point. Do you also have trust issues? I think this can contribute to finding it hard to share things.

I think my issues are more around how I'm perceived by others? I always wonder if I'm coming across ok and as a nice person. I do have issues with rejection and low self esteem so think that contributes! I'm not sure whether related to trust issues directly but I worry about people leaving me because I'm not "good enough" and worry about people using me and then dumping me when I'm no longer needed.

I basically just think I have a lot of walls up and it doesn't help my situation with making friends! It's also easy to get drowned out by others who may be louder and more sociable!

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by scarlett35

I think my issues are more around how I'm perceived by others? I always wonder if I'm coming across ok and as a nice person. I do have issues with rejection and low self esteem so think that contributes! I'm not sure whether related to trust issues directly but I worry about people leaving me because I'm not "good enough" and worry about people using me and then dumping me when I'm no longer needed.

I basically just think I have a lot of walls up and it doesn't help my situation with making friends! It's also easy to get drowned out by others who may be louder and more sociable!

I definitely identify with much of this. It's good you are aware of your thought processes through this, self esteem and self compassion both sound relevant and those are both usually fixable. Good luck!