Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I think he IS a regular cocaine user. Clearly he went right back to it after we broke up.

Was he not using while living with you? Are you sure? It’s highly addictive.

He wasn't. I was with him all the time. But when it was around on one occasion at a concert, he was tempted.

He was probably lying about NYE to me is my guess and just did a whole lot of cocaine to get ridiculously high - he probably is once again trying to play on my sympathies, after seeing how I reacted to my ex fiance's death. He will stop at nothing.

And the fact that he went right back to using cocaine after we've separated? It says it all to me. I knew he had used coke before we got together. I do not know if he had a bad habit of it or not and he always said it was occasional for him, but now I wonder if it was more than that.

He's a total druggie is what it comes down to. I hate cocaine and always put my foot down about it. But of course on the day of our wedding, he bought some with MY money and coerced me into doing it with him.

I am seriously just disgusted.

He's a drug addict, he's a raging abusive narcissist, he's bankrupt, he's totally irresponsible, he's a liar AND a cheater.

He needed money from me this month because he had spent all his funds on cocaine. Real nice.

Yet another nail in the coffin for me.

Man, I really know how to pick quality men!

Someone on one of my abuse groups on Facebook wrote this about her abuser:

I am missing the person I want him to be, verses the person he truly is.

This pretty much sums it up for me.

I’d not trust anything he says. Doesn’t matter why he does drugs or how often. Whatever happened to his cats needing dental treatments?

Yeah I’d stay very far away from romantic partners who use illegal drugs, occasionally or frequently. That’s a dangerous path to take. Plus it’s an expensive habit that he needs women to support him through.

When is the divorce going to be filed? Hope soon

I'm pissed. He needs to get the rest of his crap out of the apartment before I start work. That's in two weeks - I just told him he needs to figure it out.

I wrote my lawyer an email Friday to ask if we're close to finishing the divorce agreement.

Yeah, I don't trust my husband as far as I can throw him.

I feel sick. This whole divorce process is making me ill. I cannot take anymore. I want his crap gone. I don't want to have to speak with him. I want greater distance.

At least we finally resolved transferring the cable account to my name. Now that's done. All that's left is him moving the rest of his stuff out. I told him he has two weeks, but I know him - he will extend it beyond that. I really don't want to start work and have this still hanging over me. It's an inconvenience to me to have to leave each time he comes over.

I am super annoyed at him right now.

Is there anything you can do legally about it? Like he has been gone long enough. You give him time frame and then his stuff goes outside? I’d ask local police department. He moved out and got deposit back, he cannot store stuff there anymore

I asked my lawyer if we can include a deadline in the divorce agreement. Yes, there has to be some way to enforce this.

Celibacy is hard right now. I miss intimacy. I miss kissing. And I miss sex. What sucks is that I miss these things with HIM. And I am disgusted with myself over it. But he's my last point of reference and for the last three years. I miss being held. He used to hold me tight at night and wrap himself around me, kissing me sweetly. I miss that.

This really blows. I hate that I miss him when I also despise and detest him. It's really only the sexual intimacy now that I miss.

Even in absence of divorce, if people move out they only have that many days to get their stuff. Whenever I moved, I moved my stuff the same day I’ve moved. Maybe I went back one more time if I forgot something and someone was still living there. I don’t know anyone who goes back 100 times for two months. It’s not normal. You honestly shouldn’t allow it. Not having money for movers was convenient excuse but that’s a lie. It’s not a valid excuse. He was given money to order movers but he spent it on drugs. I’d call police department and ask. I don’t like to be nasty to people but this isn’t acceptable or normal

I have given him two months and a deadline of Jan 31st. How else do I enforce it? I have been adamant with him, but I cannot force him to do a single thing.

Oh so he still has time. I thought deadline already passed. Never mind then. Two months is unusually long. But ok. At least he had dead line. Well you will enforce it on January 31st by asking police department to be present and if he doesn’t come his stuff goes outside.

You need to call them and ask about course of action if former tenant isn’t picking their stuff up. Then you tell landlord to change locks on February 1st because you now live alone and don’t want former tenants entering.

I know you want to be nice but being so nice and accommodating to these terrible men serves no purpose. How is it working out for you? It’s not. Time to stop being nice and get real. If he isn’t done by February 1st, his stuff goes on the curb side

PS he is possibly stalling because you still emotionally connected by contacting him and sharing your news and ask for his emotional support etc he likely thinks he doesn’t need to rush as he will be bringing it all back soon enough. Cut the ties and kick his stuff out

Thanks. I am being nice so that I can keep the expensive TVs and the keurig coffee maker plus other things he's left for me. I have a reason for playing nice. But it will only go so far. I don't see any need to involve police. That seems extreme.

Oh comn now, who cares about Keurig and tv. You got a job. And it’s well paid. I lived alone most of my life and never had an issue buying Keurigs or TVs or furniture and I work in public sector and don’t make anywhere near corporate salary. You can buy that stuff if he wants to take it with him, he is so petty that he might fight over keurig. It’s not a house or a fancy car. He holds coffee maker over your head. Ugh

Well I didn’t say make police report, they just come to witness taking stuff out so you can’t be accused, of course it is extreme and it’s better not to involve police but he stored stuff in his ex wife’s and his ex girlfriends houses for years. In fact he was already married to you and still had junk in ex wife’s house but he already had a girlfriend after her and before you. He never fully moves out leaving his stuff behind in women’s houses.

I think I am more livid about this man than you. Hahah you don’t need to do anything of course. It’s just ridiculous. Two months. I pray he is out soon

@divine1966, you're making me laugh. Though it's really not funny. I get it - and thanks for being pissed off on my behalf.

I will give him two more weeks or perhaps til mid Feb in the divorce agreement. I will come up with a creative way to enforce it without police.

He should be able to get his stuff before January 31st. And what’s he taking that takes two months to pack? I thought I have too much stuff

He had a lot more stuff than I thought. He also filled an entire room in the attic with all his belongings. He really needs movers. He claims he will call Monday about it.

I hope so! I’d be tempted to bag it up myself and send him the key to the storage locker I dumped it in! Mind you, he sounds like he drags his feet so much it might end up being sold to unsuspecting people in an episode of Storage Wars.

Hahahah this guy goes from place to place and drags so much stuff around.

LOL!

I AM tempted. That my be my incentive for him: get it out in two weeks or I am calling 1-800-JUNK.

Is this junk even like a valuable stuff? Like what could a person own that takes so much stuff. Both I and my husband have hobbies that are taking a lot of space. Like a lot. Think of crafting type of hobbies/making stuff . But even that goes into containers and could be moved easily. We also own a lot of books but are donating most of them now because we are switching to digital books. They aren’t hard to pack either. What does he own that takes space?

Clothes? Shoes? It’s easy to pack and take in few trips. And I have a lot of clothes. Dishes? Those hard to pack but he doesn’t even cook

Is he a hoarder? I don’t even judge. It’s really hard for hoarders to stop. My dad is mild form a hoarder. My brother and I are ripping our hair out but there is nothing we can do. It’s not uncommon

Well, he even has some of his baby toys in our attic space, so yes, perhaps he is a bit of a hoarder.

When we moved here, I had no idea he had so much stuff. He didn't inform me of how much he had stored at his ex wife's home.

It is far too much for one person to be carrying around with them from home to home. He needs an additional storage space.

You have to realize we're dealing with a very disordered and dysfunctional person. He is not organized, and he is not responsible. Sure, he has a job and a career, but otherwise he's dysfunctional.

I've never been in this situation before, so it's all new to me and I am finding my way through the dark, so to speak.

I had a nice conversation with him over the phone last Wednesday evening about my new job. I shared with him details about the position and my excitement and enthusiasm. I did not share any of the salary information, but I did talk to him for a little while.

It was so hard that night to be sitting home alone, celebrating my success by myself. I wanted to share it with him, the person with whom I have shared my life over the last three years, including all of my job woes and stresses.

And now, as a result of that conversation we are on better speaking terms, but he is interpreting it as a way back in. He bought me congratulatory flowers the next night and left them for me in my apartment. I wasn't present for him to actually hand them to me or give them to me in person. I am still trying to maintain some semblance of boundaries.

I suppose it's not a terrible thing if we are on better speaking terms. My rage over his infidelity has subsided considerably, but I do get angry whenever I feel he is trying to manipulate me. And I know that the flowers and all the niceties he is extending right now are all a part of the manipulation or his hoovering.

This is really freaking hard to figure out. It's hard to maintain a tough and firm stance with him of only discussing apartment, divorce or moving details.

I guess it's just not so black and white and there's some grey areas here, which makes sense since emotions can be contradictory and complex and since I have a myriad of emotions swirling around.