Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Now that truly IS SICK.

My ex fiance did something very similar to me - threatened suicide every time I tried to kick him out of the apartment. It worked - I would take him back in, out of fear that he could hurt himself. Plus, he was homeless.

Boy, do I really know how to pick them!

Very low - wasn't of right mind. BS. I am not buying it.

It was an affair in the making that was stopped in the early stages only because he was caught and likely because woman realized he is very much married and got scared to lose her job. He thinks of affair as have sex.

But most affairs aren’t unplanned one night stands. It takes time to get affair partner hooked and interested. It doesn’t happen in one day. He was grooming her by saying sweet nothings and likely telling her he is separating from you or divorcing already

Of course it’s BS.

EXACTLY - he was grooming her.

I am going to puke right now. It makes me SO ILL.

Yep - let me get my shovel!!!! LOL!

And NOW... it's that ME, I am "incapable" of seeing things any other way, and that I cannot forgive someone for making a "mistake".

Well, that so called "mistake" cost you your marriage.

It’s not a mistake. Mistake would be say something rude on impulse during a fight, run your mouth. Overslept and was late to something you two planned. Forgot that he was supposed to vacuum today. Those are mistakes

Texting romantic things to other women isn’t a mistake. It’s a conscious choice that requires conscious effort

I just used your second sentence on him - I texted him those words.

Thanks!!!!

You are doing SO. WELL.
Leaving an abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've had to do. Reaching out was what helped me, even when it made me feel even more alone.
Please feel free to message me if you want to vent or need anything.
Sending strength, you got this.

Deliberate choices are NEVER a mistake. They may be a STUPID choice but they are NEVER a mistake. I am sure the ONLY mistake he is referring to is getting caught

OMG - you said it!

Today he threatened to drop off his car in my driveway and let me "deal with it", forcing ME to pay for two car leases when I am unemployed. I had said just before he said this to NOT screw me over through this divorce! He backed down when I threatened in return to plaster all our text messages all over facebook to let everyone we know what a true a-hole he is. He then backed down.

Messages between us NOW and this evening:

HIM:
Like I said give me a chance, to seek the help you think I need. Understand why what took place did, understand I am sorry and it could and would not happen again. Understand that I do miss you after all this and and even after all of the things u call me and still love you. If you could do these things. Let me get better as you say, give me the chance to move back in a few months and I will help you as a husband should. If not know I love you still and will work with you on the 900.
ME:
You’ve hurt me TOO much.
HIM:
You need to understand true forgiveness and know it couldn’t happen again. I don’t enjoy anything anymore without you
Anything
My life is empty
ME:
I can’t talk about this. I am in tears I have to go
HIM:
I didn’t mean any of those things earlier I was lashing out because I justo unable to get anything but no and unpleasantries due to your anger over this. I get it. But something inside me crying out for you and it’s not weakness it love that goes to my core. I still care deeply for you and wanted us to get the help we need to say what we both have to say
I’m sorry I am now too
Even after all of this it can and would work I know IT
ME:
I have to go. I’m breaking down. I cannot talk to you. Bye.

So he first said he will force you to pay for two cars but then he tells you he loves you, all in the same day. Surely he can see the contradiction

I’d not tell him that I am in tears or broken down. For a narcissists it’s heaven to know how much they and their actions matter to others. Just tell him you are busy with your life and have no time for this or tell him nothing. Otherwise it’s endless cycle of you telling him how much suffering he is causing and it encourages him to do another cycle of pleading so he can hear some more how much he matters to you.

Kick him out of a power seat

SIGH..... I know in my logical brain that you are correct. In my emotional brain I cannot seem to help myself from reacting to him and so my fingers start typing and I don't hold back. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. It's maddening to me that I cannot control my reactions!

Pay attention that he doesn’t say he needs help and he needs to get better. He specifically says “you think I need help”, “ you say I need to get better”. So he doesn’t really think he needed to get better. He is placating you and says he is willing to appease you because that’s what you think.

Also pay attention how he pretty says verbatim how it’s your fault for not forgiving. Your fault in misunderstanding his actions. You are the one who doesn’t understand true forgiveness. So you caused all this

Even in him begging and pleading he remains true a$$hole. Terrible person. And he thinks women are dumb and buy this crap. It’s almost like he knows he says crap but he doesn’t even care if it’s sounds crappy

It’s ok not to hold back. I’d get it if you told him “f you jerk leave me alone” or if you tell him you are angry. But don’t tell him that you are crying and he broke you, even if that’s how you feel. Don’t show him your weakness, show him your strength or indifference. He doesn’t deserve to know how upset you are. You’ve been reading about narcissists. Don’t show them weakness

You're last two sentences literally made me LOL laugh out loud. Too funny!

And you are very astute to point out these things! Yes, he's still placing blame on me - even in trying to be nice.

How are you doing now, Have Hope? I've been in a similar place as you. I left my narc a year ago and am just coming towards the end of my divorce proceedings. If you want to talk, I'm around periodically.

Thank you @AzureRain! I greatly appreciate the offer.

I am Ok I guess - he's really trying hard to get me to change my mind about a divorce, which is making it far harder on me. I suppose that's partially my own fault since I continue to talk to him via texting. But we have to talk and I cannot go fully no contact until he's fully moved out.

Interesting how he chooses to keep coming back to get his stuff. That’s not how people move. Sure come back few times but this is dragging. Who can’t afford to rent u-haul van or hire a couple of movers? That’s telling. Unbelievable

Well, to his credit and in all fairness, he IS paying for two rents right now, he's paying for my health insurance and my cable bill through January. He is the only one moving his belongings, he has a bad back and can only move so much at a time before his back gives way.

But yes, he is dragging this out.

Oh, I missed this post of yours.

Really good points. It's just all so hard. My emotions come up and I am very forthcoming and real about it. I know it shows weakness if I tell him I'm crying. It seems that anything I say invites his arguments to give him another chance.

OMG! He does NOT listen to me! Our texts this morning - I replied to his continued begging and pleading and to his offer to go to individual therapy, which is what initiated this particular back and forth exchange:

ME:
You must understand something: you have broken my heart and you have broken my trust. Even if forgave you, there is still no trust. I cannot be in a relationship where I no longer trust the person.

We have not been married very long and there's been a multitude of ugly fights and issues.

I cannot go back to where we were: the happier times. We are now in a very different place. I am in a completely different place emotionally, and I do not feel the same towards you as I once did. You have hurt me very badly and more than once - why would I keep putting my hand on a lit burner, only to keep getting hurt again and again? That's crazy. I am extremely wary of you.

What I am getting at is this: even if I forgave you, and even if you went to therapy, the fact of the matter is I cannot trust you again. I gave you my full heart once, and I cannot give you my heart again. You broke my heart into a gazillion pieces by writing to Jamie the way you were. You have NO idea what reading those texts did to me - I was physically shaking when I read them. It traumatized me. It's the LAST thing I actually expected from you - the very last. It was a shock to say the least, and like I said, it was traumatizing for me. It also killed my trust, faith and belief in you.

And what would it look like if we got back together? I wouldn't want you to be working next to Jamie or even at that dealership anymore. I would want access to your phone and full transparency at all times. Who wants to live like that? It's not practical or realistic. The trust is completely gone.

You think it can be fixed. It cannot be fixed. This relationship for me has run its course, and I cannot go back. It's not a healthy relationship for me.

Yes, you have anger issues and you have a disorder that should be addressed in individual therapy IF you are ever to have a healthy relationship.

I am no longer unleashing my anger and rage at you, so please don't say things that indicate the opposite. I am done doing so, and I do not wish ill upon you anymore.

I’d like for us to not have a contentious divorce, and I truly do wish you well.

HIM:
please I don’t want this u can trust me. I’ve learned a lot and I am miserable with out u.
There is no lit burner, only a man that misses you and understands life without u and does not want to live it.

I’ve never done anything like that before and won’t again: you don’t make mention of the police action and what that must have done to me. In sickness and health in good times and bad and now I’ve told god how I feel and am still praying u can feel an ounce of compassion and know I do love you and don’t want to live without you. Since that day that girl and I only speak about work related issues while at work. We are not attracted to each other and that is a fact.

ME:
It’s too late. It’s just too late. You did not respect me enough to stop yourself from flirting and getting involved with your co worker. Something you claimed you would never do at work as well as to me. It’s too late. Please... just respect the fact that it’s over for us. And please stop using the police as an excuse. You knew that this would end our marriage, and it has.

HIM:
I simply don’t want to live without you. I understand life without you and it is a bad one. I sob every night I cry when I think of you, I long to see your face.

I can’t just give up, I promised god I told him he could take me away if I failed to live up.

I love you and It’s like I’m waking up from a coma after being asleep and everything I know is gone. I don’t know how else to say it . I’m sorry.

I can’t stand life without u.
I’m sorry I can’t just walk away, I want to be there for you.
Ok I have to work now. I’m sorry.

ME:
it’s over. You’re not listening to me. You didn’t fully read every sentence I wrote, or you’re not listening. I cannot be in this relationship anymore. I do not feel the same way anymore. I don’t know how else to state it.

You crossed a line. You disrespected everything that I have said to you about cheating and about stepping out of bounds with another woman. You did it anyways. There is no going back.

What you did was entirely selfish and self serving. You say it’s because you were not yourself, that you were in a bad place, and it’s because I called the police. There is no excuse for what you did. And I cannot be with you anymore. I cannot be with someone who treats me with such total disregard and disrespect. My feelings have changed. Please respect that I am saying it’s over.

HIM:
I wish to die.