Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

It’s very normal to miss him. It would be weird if you didn’t

Thank you! That helps.

I watched a movie today about a very emotionally unstable woman chasing a married man. I am not chasing a married man or any man, but I began to feel like I could relate to this woman in the movie who was pretty unglued.

I feel I am becoming a bit crazy - not just a bit, but full on crazy. Everything has gotten to me and my mental health is deteriorating. I am not well. I am not suicidal, I don't feel extremely depressed because I am still functioning and am getting stuff done - I feel unglued and not like myself. I feel unsteady on my feet.

My husband's hoovering behavior is contributing to my state and to my deteriorated mental health. I want to believe him, but I cannot. I wish I could trust him, but I cannot. His words are all just pure manipulation and poison. His hoovering right now is pure manipulation and poison. It's making me feel really unstable within myself.

Find your old posts or your old journals or anything you can think of about the issues you faced with this man as early as before of right after marrying him. It will remind you that this is not and will not be a healthy relationship as it was never that. Also him constantly dragging you in is keeping you off balance, unable properly search for a job and focus on the right things, seem to do the trick. There is no need in this communication and ruminating. If you get back with him you’ll be right in the same post soon enough. It’s not even the issue of cheating.

There was an issue after an issue from the day one, just after few months of dating there were big fights and things were not peaceful. Things will continue to be unstable as you engage with him. He doesn’t believe you are done because you engage.

Of course you do what you see fit but he might actually like keeping you unstable and unsure.

Yeah, I really need to not talk to him for a while. Seriously. It's been one thing after another that we've had to discuss lately.

Re-reading my journal DOES help to ground me.

I just spoke with my abuse advocate who was a big help. That grounded me more for today.

I just feel SO needy right now - I need a TON of support and I am missing having my therapist to speak with. And I miss talking to my best girlfriend every day too.

I definitely won't get back together with him - this much I know. It would be a nightmare and the abuse would only escalate and worsen, which is what happens statistically.

I cannot get out of the car lease. He called today. I don't have the energy to get into the details of the lease, but he tried and we can't do it. I give up. Then he bawled on the phone with me and could barely speak.

I am worn out and totally strung out. I just want this all to end. I am so sad and so disappointed by everything.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope I cannot get out of the car lease. He called today. I don't have the energy to get into the details of the lease, but he tried and we can't do it. I give up. Then he bawled on the phone with me and could barely speak. I am worn out and totally strung out. I just want this all to end. I am so sad and so disappointed by everything.

He can sell the dang car. That is how you get out of leases or turn the car in & he can get a less expensive car that he can qualify for on his own.....that is just BS

If he refuses to do anything about the car, it will have to be decided in divorce court order. Divorced people don't jointly own things or co sign leases for each other. Judge will order for car to be sold or turned in or different co-signers taking and your name to be off it when divorce is final. This dude is full of BS like eskie said but if you can’t force him now, it will have to wait till divorce is final

This guy is good. He is scamming his ways through life and he even cried over the phone. He is so good, scam artist

He started to cry on the phone because he said he misses me and is having a hard time without me. He did try to get me out of the lease. The only option may be to sell the car. He tried a trade in and spoke with a salesman at Honda. He called the finance office about refinancing. I cannot keep fighting him on this, and I give up.

I will ask my lawyer if a judge will rule that way.

I hate to speculate on your divorce, but IME nothing with either of your names will remain tied to the other, and he needs a vehicle to be able to earn a living. The negotiating for who gets what will be done by you both with lawyers. I was told going to the judge is the last resort and very expensive and to work it out before that. The judge, if used, will split it all down the middle (or whatever is typically done in short marriages in your case), and they don’t hear anything you want to tell them about any specifics. They quickly do the same judgment for everybody in similar circumstances.

I will have to ask my lawyer about this and will call him soon to discuss it.

I am worn out, burnt out and exhausted by the whole thing.

So, after my husband broke down yesterday on the phone with me, we texted a bit later about things. I ended up telling him that I do not love him anymore. I've said this before to him, but apparently it didn't stop him from still trying to convince me to stay together. So I said it again last night. I told him he killed and destroyed my love for him.

Of course, once again, he tells me I have no room for forgiveness, once again, placing the blame on my shoulders.

I hope now he truly gets the message, however.

Yes judge will rule that way. No judge will ever rule for divorced couple to stay on each other lease or keep each other names on other’s property. That’s the whole purpose of divorce, to separate yourself and your possessions. Unless couple decides to leave it like that, court will rule differently. Judge will never order divorced couple to maintain each other names on things. Now does everyone follows court order as soon as it takes place. Nope. Often times people don’t and you need to threaten them with contempt of court. Sad but true

Having said that, you can do it all through lawyers. If lawyers cannot agree on things and negotiating isn’t possible you go to court as a last resort. Your lawyer should be able to explain to you what you need to do with the car

You needed to stress out that marriage isn’t working for you. Nothing even to do with forgiveness. Nothing to forgive. If it’s about blame and him ruining it, it opens conversations on forgiveness and who to blame and he is a victim so you two keep rehashing it. “Marriage is unsatisfactory for me, it’s not working, sorry, don’t want to be married”. End of story.

I bolded what I thought was most significant here - "unless couple decides to leave it like that".

I am going to negotiate staying on his health insurance (with him paying for me until I get a job). This is a trade for me staying on the car lease.

I don't want to deal with selling the damned car, the only option left. I will stay on the lease and will include an indemnity clause in the divorce agreement saying that he must pay each month on time, and for any damage and any mileage he goes over.

Like I've said, I completely give up. He wins. I am done fighting about it and I am done dealing with the stupid f'in car. He can keep it. Indemnification should cover me financially if he doesn't pay.

I am not sure he will be ordered to pay for your health insurance after divorce. I have never heard of such a thing.

On the other hand this divorce isn’t even filed yet so hope you have job by then

Of course if you don’t want him off the lease, he doesn’t need to come off the lease. I thought you want him off. If you don’t, it’s all mute point

I told him that my feelings have changed, that I no longer can view him the same way, and that he cannot make me happy.

Yet, he still argues that I cannot forgive, even when I say these things to him. So, yes, he needs to play the victim.

I give up entirely. He can win the argument and be the victim.

I am worn down and worn out. He has beaten me down and I just give up on everything. I don't even care anymore. I just want this to end.

Yeah. I don't know how divorce works. I will ask my lawyer about the health insurance. I believe he told me that after divorce, my husband has no obligation to pay my health insurance. That's why I want to negotiate this point. Keep me on your health insurance until I get a job, even if it's after divorce is finalized.

As it is, a rep at Honda who went through a divorce during covid told me that his divorce took 10 months to finalize. Courts are backed up completely and it's all virtual right now.

I do want off the car lease, but I don't want to deal with selling the stupid car, so like I said, I give up, I give in and my husband gets what he wants. I don't care anymore. So, I will tell my lawyer that I will stay on the stupid lease until it ends.

I’m not sure if you can stay on his insurance. We can’t keep our married son on ours anymore. If you are no longer related, I’m not sure.

Remember, every minute you talk to your lawyer costs you money. Try to ask him exactly what to expect. You can send him an email specifically asking about these questions and he will write back. This is the cheapest way, as lawyers charge by the minute.

Right now you are still emotionally invested in each other. When you are ready, you will file for divorce. You make a great point about how everything is backed up due to covid.

My lawyer charged me a flat rate to negotiate points in the divorce agreement. He is not charging otherwise for calls and emails, etc.

I will email him though about these details.

We are still emotionally invested. It's heated right now between us.

I believe we file as soon as all points in the agreement have been included and agreed upon.

That’s awesome about the flat rate. I’m too embarrassed to say how much expense we racked up and didn’t even get divorced.

Yeah - it is a good deal financially, UNLESS he has to join me for the court session, then I pay more. I paid a total of $500 flat rate. And that is because I was referred to him by an abuse advocacy group and because I am unemployed, so I received a reduced rate for both reasons.

And I understand - there's no shame in having changed your mind. It's too bad you had to pay a lot of money though. That's a shame.

He says he broke his heart while also breaking mine. So we are two broken hearted and very sad people. It's soooo incredibly sad. I am crying again.

I sent him this:

Absolutely no way to have ex spouses on health insurance.

No way you can stay on health insurance after divorce. No work place would tolerate that. You can only have family (current spouse and dependent unmarried children) on insurance, ex spouse doesn’t fall into a category.

Only kids’ insurance would be even a topic of divorce discussion. Not ex spouses. You get divorce decree, take it to your work and get ex spouse off. It’s change of circumstance.

It would be a fraud to keep ex spouses on insurance. You must inform work place that you got divorced immediately so person could be removed (well maybe you’ll have till end of month)

Plus how could it make sense, sometimes divorce goes on long and people marry someone else right away. Would they have ex spouses and current spouses on insurance? Businesses would go broke. Don’t waste your time asking your lawyer things that simply wouldn’t be possible