Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Sadly if people have no money, suing them isn’t going to get you far. If they can’t pay, it won’t go no where. It will you cost you more to sue him. I hope he just pays on it while lease lasts or court forces him to sell it in divorce

It’s really a cautionary tale to never marry people who don’t carry their own way. And never co-sign anything. It’s ok to date longer until a person is in a better shape. Dating is fine. Marrying, not so much. I know it’s too late now. But still a good lesson for others.

They can garnish his wages.

I guess they could.

I have become the worst version of myself, he's bringing out so much hatred in me, so much disdain and disgust. I want to pummel him and kick him hard where it counts.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope They can garnish his wages.

Then they quit their job.....no wages to garnish. If his job wouldn't even qualify him to lease a car he will probably feel he is better off without a job at that point. Just force the sale of the dang car & don't screw yourself

He drives a nice car that’s maybe why he runs out of money every month. He needs to drive used or small cars until he can afford it. He could be forced to sell this one. But Hope can’t force him, he is good in talking in circles and convince why he needs the best of the best. Everything has to go through lawyers. And court if need to. No negotiating with him

Good morning, ladies.

...and he works at a car dealership

It’s smart of you trying to hammer out the negotiations by yourself if the lawyers cost more, but you said you have a flat fee. It looks like you aren’t getting anywhere with him in doing that, though. Ultimately, you need to file for divorce and let the lawyers help figure out what is best for you both and reach a settlement.

Since you don’t have much money, it’s going to be quick and simple. You may not be happy with all you come away with, and neither will he. That’s divorce.

Yeah, ironically he works at a car dealership, but not Honda.

And yeah, talking to him is not helping things. I have to speak with my lawyer soon. He is here to negotiate these points. It turns out that both our names are on the car lease, and that we have equal responsibility. I thought it was mainly in my name. So I cannot just take the car from him or sell the car myself.

And it turns out that if we sell the car, we will collectively between the two of us owe Honda $4,000. The car is valued at 22K. The lease is valued at 26K. So we would have to pay the dealership a hefty price. That's not going to work either. And he tells me he cannot trade it in or refinance it without paying a hefty price.

So I am stuck on this damned lease. That's where we are at. The only other option now is to include an indemnification clause for me that absolves me of any financial responsibility for the monthly payments, for any damages to the car, and for going over the mileage.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 He drives a nice car that’s maybe why he runs out of money every month. He needs to drive used or small cars until he can afford it. He could be forced to sell this one. But Hope can’t force him, he is good in talking in circles and convince why he needs the best of the best. Everything has to go through lawyers. And court if need to. No negotiating with him

Judge will put him in his place....don't negotiate to stay on it. That would not be wise at all

What’s he even talking about. You can always turn in lease early if they are offering deals or trade a car in so you can buy his own. I traded cars plenty without paying anything. My dealership offers me to trade in and turn lease early all the time, they do it because they want to push new cars in. Every time there is a new model comes in or new deals, my dealer emails me if I want lease traded in early and get a new model early. He can get a smaller cheaper car.

I’d stop discussing anything with him and not trust anything he says. Go through a lawyer. He tells you things that suit him. No point negotiating with him, he always wins because he is good at BSing

Thanks, but I cannot force or push him to do anything. He is digging in his heels and is putting up major roadblocks. There's nothing I can do. He wins, unless the judge rules otherwise. I will talk to my lawyer further about it. And yes, at this point I am done speaking with him about it.

Yes that’s the whole point, you cannot be pushing anything with him because it just doesn’t work. You have to go through a lawyer only

Exactly.

He continues to blame ME for HIS infidelity. He continues to reference the police as a reason and justification for his bad behavior. I am practically suicidal right now and may need to go to the hospital or at the very least, call a hotline for help.

Do call hotline. Put your safety first. But why are you talking to him? Please do not engage in talks with him. All communication need to stop. Tell him to get his stuff on a specific date. Have police present. And then go through lawyers to get divorce going. Don’t talk to him

Talking to him only just upsets and enrages me. He invalidates my experience and all of my feelings. He downplays his infidelity, he waters it down and continues to use excuses and justifications. Then he continues to pursue me by trying to get back together with me at various times. We're both at fault for these communications that occur. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's him.

I have a freaking interview today and I am a complete wreck. I want to reschedule, but I cannot. It's going to be disastrous. I can tell already. I am not well today. I need a hotline and/or the hospital. I have finally gone over the edge.

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He invalidates my experience and all of my feelings. He downplays his infidelity, he waters it down and continues to use excuses and justifications.

When we depend on others to validate our experiences & our feelings it does nothing but leave us under their control especially when it is someone we are extracting from our life. Learning to SELF-VALIDATE is the most important thing I ever learned in my life.

This is exactly what I need to do!!!! THANK YOU!

If you are fleeing an abusive relationship and divorcing, the time for getting your feelings validated has passed. You are harming yourself by continuing this cat/mouse game with him. You couldn’t get validation when you were together and trying. Of course, he won’t validate you now.

When you file for divorce the lawyers send letters with deadline dates where he has to produce financial documents and so do you. Then a date is set for the divorce to be finalized. He will have to figure out what to do to have A vehicle to get to work. If the worst case is you get tagged a couple thousand to owe, but are free from your abusive marriage, think of that as the cost of your freedom and sanity.

Yes, but I have no job right now - I cannot owe another 2K - I'm already 1K in the hole off my bank loan. I cannot keep adding debt. I almost don't care anymore about the car lease - he can keep the stupid car. I give up. I give in and he wins.

Exactly! If you have no income, you can’t pay (or can pay $5 mo forever? Lol). It’s not an ‘I give up’. You haven’t even filed for divorce and had lawyer tell you what to do.

Be gentle with yourself. Put this on a back burner today and have a good interview.

Thanks @TishaBuv!

I do need to put all that on the back burner - I do have another introductory interview today and thank you notes to send for an interview I had yesterday.

I am up to my ears in job search responsibilities and with this divorce crap. I've had it. I'm ready to sleep for 3 days straight.

I tell him he's broken my heart and my trust completely, so his response is I can trust him? After an infidelity where he lied to me yet again? Un-freaking-believable. I told him I am not well, and that I must stop talking about our relationship now. He knows how bad off I was yesterday. I almost had to go to the hospital. I told him it is not healthy for me to continue discussing our relationship.

And yes, we were in touch again yesterday because we have to coordinate switching the cable account to my name via all these insane forms we each have to complete.

Talk about what you need to & when the conversation goes beyond that, HANG UP.

You don't have to talk about the emotional stuff but that takes STRENGTH on your part to take control & hang up instead of getting sucked into it. Bottom line is that we are the ones that allow ourselves to go the places we don't really want to be at times like this. Sometimes stuff like this can be used to develop our strength skills if we become aware & take the action that stops the emotional crap immediately before we get sucked in