Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I am actually wondering if he and I could remain as friends - not close friends, distant friends. I've talked about on here my concerns about our local music scene and about seeing him at the smaller music venues when COVID passes and when things open up again. It will be SO uncomfortable and awful to have to avoid him at all costs. And I want to be able to go to all music events - I really don't want to avoid my scene, my larger social circle of friends, and him. A part of me cannot wrap my brain around being friends after all he's done. But then again, we could possibly given our nice conversation last week. I don't know. I know it's completely up to me to decide. After the news of my ex fiance, I do know this: I do not want to hold onto bitter feelings for years to come. I did that with my ex fiance, and I wasted a whole lot of precious energy and time doing so. Perhaps a part of my healing involves being on friendly terms with him now. I can still uphold boundaries. It's something I am considering at least.

Nothing wrong with that. It’s better than being awkward.

Being on good terms with exes is perfectly fine and doable. Plenty of people are on good terms with exes. It’s way better than being enemies.

I am not entirely sure about being actual friends though. We might have different definitions of friendship. Friends are invited to your home and you introduce them to your significant others and your family, and you talk to them and see them etc If you can’t really do that, especially if you can’t introduce them to your next significant other, and he won’t invite you to meet whoever he is dating, then it’s not actual friendship but more of a being on “good terms” or acquittances you are friendly with. You also have to consider your soon to be ex’s boundaries. He seems to have none. Especially because he is often intoxicated. So I’d be careful (he talked to your other ex about porn habits, I’d not be surprised if he talk stupid stuff to someone you might date in the future). Perhaps being polite and cordial is a better idea than real friendship

So I think you are referring to being “friendly”, rather than being “friends”.

@divine1966, thanks, and that's a big and important distinction. Yes, so I more so meant being on friendly terms vs. being enemies. I don't actually want a real friendship with him in the sense that you described. I cannot imagine having him meet a partner of mine and vise versa, and/or hanging out together at all. No. Definitely not.

Being on good terms is always the best, unless it’s too dangerous, which I don’t think it is.

I don't think it's dangerous either. But I have my guard up, I am aware of him trying to manipulate me, and I still need to enforce boundaries.

Last night I was missing the connection he and I once had. He's being so nice lately, so once again, the trauma bond rears its ugly head. I want all the good times and the good aspects back.... but I know it's a fallacy and it's not the whole picture. I don't want to miss him, and with him being so nice lately, it's hard not to miss that part of him. I'm right back to square one in my healing process.

Then again, all I have to do is read my sobriety list or go to one of my abuse groups on Facebook, and be reminded of all the reasons why I am leaving.

Why does he have to make this SO freaking hard? I feel like it's one step forward, two steps back.

I am in for the fight of my life getting out of this relationship.

Minimize contact as much as possible. It’s been almost two months since he left, there is no need to communicate too frequently.

I know you're right in my logical mind. My emotional mind is still attached. I am having trouble letting go, and he's not making it any easier. In fact, he's making it so much harder. It really does feel like the fight of my life to get out of this.

He's fighting to make me believe he's actually a good person, and I am fighting to know and believe 100% that he is not.

At least I did not text him at all last night when I wanted to. I was missing him badly, and I refrained from reaching out. So there's that at least. I am out of town right now at a girlfriend's home on the beach. It's very nice here, but brrrrrrrrrrr soooooooooo cold. We barely had heat last night and wrapped ourselves in blankets drinking wine. After a couple drinks, I was thinking of him and missing the good aspects. This morning, while more sober, I woke back up to the reality.

So, I am proud of myself for not texting him when I was missing him.

He might not be a bad person, just not suitable marriage partner

Oh, I think he's a bad person for sure. Anyone who deliberately sets out to hurt another person is a bad person in my book. He just adorns a facade of being a good person - and that's all it is - a facade. He also knows how to woo people, how to manipulate people and to get people to do what he wants. That is not a good trait.. it's a very bad trait. He has many ugly and undesirable traits. So that doesn't make him a good person. Not to me.

Good points.

He's being all nice. I have flies suddenly in my apartment, so he went to Home Depot, bought fly paper, put that all over the windows and sprayed. I am out of town so he did this for me while I am gone. I didn't ask him to do this. All I said was there are flies in the apartment, so when you come in please kill whatever you see. Then he went and took care of it for me. I had planned on calling the landlord when I get back. Then I figured out it could be the gunk at the bottom of my recycling bin that is attracting them. GROSS! So I have to clean that out entirely when I return home.

But still.... he's trying so hard to win me back over. It's kind of sad. Doesn't he know by now that I won't budge an inch and that all efforts and words are futile? He claims he is not dating, doesn't want to date and doesn't want to sleep with anyone. He continues to profess his undying love to me, and all I can think of is - UGH - I will NEVER be with you ever again, don't you get it?

I’ve never seen flies inside in the winter. What kind of flies? I’d freak out. They are all dead in this weather!

I’d not be comfortable with him being out and about in your apartment while you aren’t there. He doesn’t live there.

Oh he doesn’t believe you’ll never be with him

They are cluster flies. They can find a way inside older buildings to escape the cold and to live. They found a way in.

I want his stuff out. I was out of town, so it was convenient for me to have him come get his stuff while I'm away.

I know he doesn't believe it. No matter what I tell him, it doesn't matter.

You keep saying that he is so done, yet you pay a great deal of attention to every single move he makes. I won't comment on that, just pointing out an observation.

And....? So..,,? Who cares? It’s a very tough situation.

You care. It's not gonna get easier unless you stop. I don't know how to do that - thats why I've chosen not to comment in the first place.

I think he might see some things as mixed messages. Not saying you are sending them but that’s how he sees it. That’s why he isn’t grasping that you are not coming back. He is sure you aren’t done and he will be back in no time

That's what I was trying to say indirectly. Thank you!

It's a process. That's all I can say. It's not black and white and it's not so straight forward and simple. Emotions are complex.

Either way, he's not coming back and I am not allowing it. I won't allow that, no matter what.

I know. I am just saying it explains why he keeps insisting you should get back together. It’s perfectly understandable that you have conflicting feelings. It’s just you say you don’t get why he keeps insisting, he sees mixed message so he doesn’t know you won’t allow it. We know. But he doesn’t.

I’ve told him numerous times it’s never happening.

I suspect he might see some contradictions between those words and actions. Words are just words.

He sees what he wants to see. I left men who didn’t want me to leave. They’d interpreted many innocent things I said or did as me not being fully done. I am sure if I did or said things you say or do they’d interpret it that I am just upset but am keeping them close and eventually they can weasel in.

The message is mixed. If somebody left me but did some of the things you do, id think they are just temporarily mad but still need me and are still madly in love with me. You could be nice and on good terms but not send those messages.

I am sure it’s not intentional. And hopefully you set up boundaries eventually, but until then he’ll think it’s not over.