Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Missing someone is not unusual. It doesn’t mean you can’t manage it. Give it time.

Yes, it is normal. I'm also having anxiety over my new job starting, so I wish I had a partner who could be a calming presence. It just sucks. I wish I didn't have to divorce. I really do not want to, but there's no way I am taking him back. NO WAY.

I am having a major freakout moment - please help. It really hit me hard this afternoon that my husband told me all lies throughout our whole marriage about not being someone who cheats..... when he did and when he is someone who could cheat. I am beside myself with this reality... a reality or web of lies he stood on in our marriage. I cannot tell you how many times I was told he's NOT a cheater....

The massive lie is hard for me to wrap my brain around. It's a kick in the stomach and is a total mind screw. I cannot stomach that I was lied to ALL that time. How do I accept this f'ed up fact?

It’s good to have a good partner who is a calming presence. But he isn’t a calming presence. So it might be more calming not to have a partner at the moment.

New job is always stressful! No other way around it. But it’s also exciting.

Imagine being stressed about job and dealing with him and his antics. Plus he’d be asking for money with your very first pay check. Then buying weed. Nah. You are better off. It might be stressful first few days but it always gets better

Some people only think of cheating as physical act of intimacy. He likely does not consider it cheating because he wasn’t sleeping with a person.

Plus honestly what cheater would tell you that they are cheaters? It’s a given they’d tell you they aren’t. I think the very fact he kept telling you he isn’t a cheater is a suspect. Who even needs to say that? I’d not give any weight to such words. I never told anyone I am not a cheater. I think it’s obvious. It’s not something someone needs to say. It’s like saying “I am a good person”. Who needs to say that? One is either good trustworthy person or they aren’t. Why even say it?

Words don’t mean much

No, I cannot imagine dealing with him while also taking on a new job. Not at all.

Yes, a new job is always stressful.

I'm actually having a really hard time right now. I fear I may fall apart.

He and I talked about the types of cheating, including emotional cheating. He knew he was cheating on me with what he did.

It's the persistent lies - words DO matter. My whole marriage was based on a total lie.

I understand. We expect people to be honest. I am just saying that if someone is saying they won’t cheat, doesn’t mean that they won’t. His actions were often dubious and shady. Cheating is a part of the the shady behaviors.

True enough. It's a part of the whole picture.

So now I've been accused of being abusive myself and of having a drinking problem. Yeah, Ok, I admit I have been drinking more lately, but the whole time we were together drinking really was not an issue.

My a-hole husband once again is projecting all his issues onto me, is trying to make himself feel better and now wants to paint me negatively so that he CAN feel better. I hate him.

I told him to leave his stupid bed here, I will get rid of it when I move out, and to simply drop off his key. As of today, I am officially done with him.

I’ll ask a landlord to change the locks.

Regardless of how much you are drinking, you don’t need his guidance in quitting. He isn’t substance abuse counselor. Plus he is a drug addict and not in recovery, so he is not the right person for this discussion. Telling someone they drink too much is pointless, you did not cause it and you cannot control people’s substances consumption. People quit or seek help when they are ready, not when they are told so, especially by an active addict. It doesn’t work this way. He just wants to place blame

I agree with @divine1966 it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk all day )I know you’re not) or if you have a glass of wine with dinner. F him for doing this to you. It’s a low blow and exemplifies his insecurities and abuse.

Thanks, you two!! I greatly appreciate your replies and support!!

He is just trying to place blame, to justify the divorce on his end and to make himself feel better by rejecting ME somehow and by finding fault with ME.

I told him to F off, to never contact me again, and to drop off his key today. This is IT and the very last time I will communicate with him.

It costs me $200 to change the locks. I don't even have that money. I found out I owe $1200 in co-pays to health insurance that I have to pay off quickly and ASAP.

That’s a lot of co pays. For what? How much are your co pays? That’s a lot of doctors visits. How do you not know that you owe? Don’t they send a bill every time not all at once? Did you see the bill? I’d investigate first.

Or are you talking about premiums? You said he is paying those

It’s shady

This bill goes back to 2016. It seems extremely high and I paid most copays when I went in person, except for during covid. Let's not get into it though. I owe what I owe.

Now he's not coming until next Sat to retrieve the final AC unit and to drop off his key. There is no reason for he and I to speak at all all week long. I told him not to come this weekend - it's too disruptive for me and I start work on Monday.

Oh ok. Old bill. I thought he is trying to trick you now. I know someone who tried that stint of racking up medical bills during divorce and trying to get soon to be ex to pay it. I am slightly paranoid when I hear this kind of stuff

Good idea to not let him in this weekend

Yeah it's my bill, not his.

I just went through hell with him this morning. I am crying. I cannot stop crying. I need him out of my life.. forever.

Stop talking to him please. What does he want now

I am paying him $200 so I can keep some items he promised me. He tried to take it all away from me today, despite saying all this time that I could keep these items. So I offered him $1000 for it all, and he said I can pay him $200. It's for many items that I wanted to keep because he said I could have them. Then in the midst of arguing, he went back on his word and said he'll come next weekend to get it all. So we fought all morning over every little thing.

He's dropping his key off today so there should be no reason for him to come back to the apartment anymore.

Omg I’d not give him a penny. What a cheap skate

It's easier on me to just give him money for the TVs, the A/C unit he bought and for other things. I don't even care. As long as he's out of my life.

Good point

Yeah. I mean, he's now dropping off his key today after work. So that means we are done with each other and with communicating about anything anymore. All the rest can be done through our lawyers

Great. It’s for the best