Dating a Manchild? Or Just Caregiver?

Greetings, all! I'm a 35 year old woman. I started dating my 42 year old boyfriend back in July of this year. I have struggled with lyme disease for several years, it attacked my lungs, and I just recently moved to be with my Mom during the covid crisis. My boyfriend's Mom also has lyme and he is living with her along with his younger brother. I am a very family oriented person! Being empathetic and having worked in caregiving myself, I initially thought that him being a caregiver for his unwell mother was nothing short of endearing (I still think it is) but some things have cropped up that are making me feel... well, pretty uncomfortable:

1) He's often late and having to sacrifice time spent with me because he has to help his Mom with basic things around the house (Having lyme disease myself, and having the caregiver gene, I completely understand how this goes)! But it's gotten to the point where others are noticing his absence with me while he tends to his Mom. One night, he didn't come over for dinner until 9 pm without so much as even a phonecall telling me he would be late for dinner! He usually arrives around 6. I guess his Mom was having some sort of an unexpected crisis at the house and he needed to help her, stat. So (and I never do this... I always wait for company) but out of sheer hunger I said "F it" and ate dinner by 8 pm! Not knowing if he was coming or going or what...

2) He also expressed utter frustration one day after not getting to sleep the prior night until 2 in the morning because his mother sporadically decided to take a shower in the dead of night, on a work night. He was forced to be awake incase she took a fall. He had to be up at 4:30 am for work that day, too. Being up at 2 for a sporadic shower when he also has to wake for work by 4:30 am... very odd timing for a shower in my opinion! Only leaving him about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. No wonder the guy was frustrated. It just rubbed me the wrong way. It kind of seemed like a very inconsiderate thing to do...

3) The other weekend he began texting me a little less. I sent a cheerful text/remark like "Oh hey love! There you are!" after he greeted me one day. And he apologized for not getting back to me sooner. To which I said "No problem!" He then went into further detail and said that his Mom was limiting him and his brother's "screen times" on their phone's and it was getting a little more difficult for him to stay in touch with me. He said he could only text me when she wasn't around. Again, this wouldn't be a problem if he were maybe say.... 5 years old. But a 42 year old man should be able to gauge his own screen times AND chat/stay in touch with his girlfriend over the telephone if he so chooses. Just my opinion. I immediately became a little suspicious that maybe she was doing this on purpose out of a bit of jealousy or insecurity to try and gain the upper hand over how much he was talking to me. Call it just a very strong gut feeling. Or just Control. Control. Control..

4) He mentioned his Mom hasn't liked ANY of his girlfriends in the past. Not a single ONE. She thought they were totally insane. This felt incredibly "red flaggy" to me and made me super nervous to meet her. However, upon meeting her, she actually seems quite nice and apparently she absolutely loves me. *breath of relief*.

Well, at least she loves me... for now! But for how long? I wonder! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I've only met her once. I'm curious what kind of situation I might be wandering into. I was wondering if anyone with similar experience can offer their best opinions/advice on this? I love this guy sooooo very much! He is so self sacrificing, such a well-rounded individual, so easy to love. Just a Saint of a man. But it sounds like his Mom is very aware of this and %100 takes advantage of it and milks it for all it's worth!!! Even to the point of totally exhausting him and not sharing him with others. I get the feeling she wants all of his energy, basically for herself. I would like to stay with him but I'm just wondering if there might be a "gentler" way to bring up this issue with him if it becomes an even bigger issue in the future? Little nervous about this situation. All outside views and opinions are welcome here. Thank you kindly to anyone who has taken the time to read.

@TheOptimisticArtist welcome to Psych Central.

So you are 35 and he is 42 and you both live at home correct? He lives at home and is caregiver for his mother?

What kind of future do you see with the two of you?

Are you going to want children and your own family?

Well the way I see it is that when we start dating someone we should treat it as “what you see is what you get”.

Too many people, and especially women, date men who don’t meet their expectations. Then they “bring up the issue or they have a serious talk” etc and they might be doing it for years after but a msn is still who he is.

If at 42 his mom limits his screen time, that’s who he is. Having a talk with him won’t change him or his life style. You just have to decide if he is the right person for you (the way he is now not how you think he could change). Then you decide to stay or go based on what you see now

It sounds like he has been caring for her so long that he doesnt know any other way. Are you prepared to have it be that way for the long term?

Caregivers tend to be thoughtful people, however, that can become their life where they constantly service the needs of others. They often learn to put the needs of others above their own needs. This becomes their lifestyle which is what you are observing in this man you are dating. His mother has become dependent on him and she also still controls what time he spends away from her needs and wants. He has already agreed to put HER needs first and has been showing you how there is little time left for you and any relationship he could have with you. And his mother will not like any woman that threatens her relationship with her son, she doesn't even like him using screen time.

When human behaviors are studied they often use rats. It's amazing how much they have learned from rats considering how small a rat's brain is compared to the more complex human brain. They have introduced rats to different mazes and have put different reward places in order to encourage the rats to follow these different mazes. They can even observe stress if something changes in that maze the rat gets so used to. They have even paired rats up and introduced a pattern and then took one away to see what would happen. Sure enough that absence left the now single rat still doing things as if that other rat was still there. It took time for that rat to learn to adjust without that other rat. Also, if a rat is used to a certain kind of maze routine and then taken out and then exposed to that maze routine again, that rat will go back to navigating that old maze again. That is even when there are obstacles that can stress the rat.

Human beings do the same thing, they often choose the wrong partner because something about that partner is "familiar". Often what pops up as "red flags" are ignored and it's actually amazing how observing others interact when knowing these red flags and seeing others interact advising a person ignoring these important red flags.

This guy has good qualities, however, he is actually showing you that even though he is nice he is actually already TAKEN. You are learning that his true priorties are with his mother and she always comes first and there just is not a true place for YOU that would allow you to enjoy this man.

Choose to be "self aware" and any tendencies you may have that attract you to a partner that would be unhealthy for you. If you are yourself a caregiver type personality, it's important you pay attention to what might attract you that can be something that doesn't allow you to have your OWN needs met.

Thank you kindly for your response Open Eyes! And to everyone else. It was all insightful. I suppose I will just have to spend some more time around his mother and family to feel out the dynamics a little more. I actually was not terribly concerned until my own family made a comment about how they thought it was unhealthy. Then of course I took a few steps back and second guessed myself, because it was something I had not even noticed before. To me, he was just a caregiver. To them, he had an unhealthy attachment style. But as time rolled forward... I began to kind of take notice to what they were talking about. I felt that his Mom was being a little overbearing and I personally don't deal well with control! My mind immediately shot forward towards the future and I became worried she might try to crack down control over me someday. Especially if we get married, have children, etc. Hence the whole reason for this post! I wanted some outside views. Because when you're emotionally involved you can't always see the forest from the trees.

It doesn't seem like a healthy relationship between his mom and himself.

If at 42, you still need your mother's permission to get screen time, that says it all. He will remain under his mother's thumb.

I also wonder what kind of partner he would make. As in, could he be mature enough or will he impose the role of mother onto you subsequently?

I see red flags.

I think the only thing matters is if you are happy. It’s non sequential what’s so called normal or what other people think. If you are happy and not concerned then it’s all good. Just pay attention how you feel and don’t worry what others think

he is who he is, does what he does, makes his own decisions on how his life runs.
you either have to accept him exactly as the man he is now or you end your relationship with him and search for someone that you can like for who they are right now.
we all wish people would transform into a person who is perfectly recreated into the person we prefer them to be.
thats fine if all you want is to control the strings of a puppet twin of yourself..
remember that a relationships require giving and taking by both people. how much would you be willing to let someone make you change about yourself because that will turn you into the person they want you to be?

Regardless what their arrangement is, he's prioritizing her over you. He's making that choice. He lives with his brother, too, so the caretaker responsibilities would be divided between the two. Surely they can come up with a reasonable schedule?

I find it hard to believe he's "unable" to connect with you. I'd also question why a woman would restrict her adult sons' screen time.. and it may not be what you're assuming. Just playing devil's advocate because something feels off.

I'd also question the authenticity of this relationship. If he has a caregiver personality type, it may be he's with you because you remind him of his mother. From his angle, it may be an unhealthy relationship from the start.

At the very least, it sounds troubling for you so a conversation with him could help. Ask him where he sees this relationship in 2 years. What boundaries is he willing to make on your behalf?

If he sounds too perfect for you but is "unavailable", there's something to pay attention to.

Sadly OP didn’t come to the thread. I hope everything is ok with her and her situation. I am with MsLady on this. Something is off. Unavailable men like to use excuses like kids or jobs or moms or hobbies to avoid spending time with a woman.

I’ve also met men and women who claim to live with their parents because they are being caregivers. In reality they live with their parents because they can’t afford to be on their own (understandable in OPs situation of having illness and temporarily living at home due to covid). brothers are caregivers and both are not on their own? Hhmm.

I also doubt mother restricts his screen time (how would she even know when he is on the phone if he is in his own bedroom for example?) .

The guy is not available for relationship with OP and mom is a very good excuse. More likely that he wants to keep his distance and avoid commitment and would rather do something else than communicate to a girlfriend. Attraction to unavailable men is real and not particularly easy to overcome but it’s doable.