Cuckolded

Imagine her having sex with the other guy behind your back. Don't you feel anger? She has embarassed you. She has betrayed you. Get your dignity back. Man up and ditch her today! Seriously, you gonna get yourself in some serious trouble if you let this one slide. She's already gone. If you stay with her, she's gonna think she has no boundaries because she owns you.

Her priorities will be:

1. Her.
2. Her baby? Maybe.
3. The father of her baby.
4. You. Maybe.

I know.....😞😞😞

She asked me to go with her to her first appointment.

@rive Not really. They both want to make it work by having a child the woman got from ******* another man. I don't get it at all. How's that work?

Let's make it work. Twenty years from now our lovely son is gonna ask about how did he get here. "Oh, mommy had an affair and then you were born, but I thought it's okay, cuz why not?". Are you serious right now?

That may be something. You can give it a shot, but lean towards "no" for now. Tread lightly.

There are many questions I’d want to ask her. Real communication is critical here.

Why did she cheat? Why does she want him to stay in the picture? In what capacity will he be in the picture? How does she want you to be involved with her and what will be your relationship role with the child?

You have options, and say the one you want is that you and she stay married, you have the baby, and the bio father stays pretty far out of the picture. That is something that should be discussed and agreed upon right now. I do understand why she says she wants this baby as it may be her only chance to have one. If you talk to a lawyer, you may be able to arrange with the bio father that you are to adopt the newborn, which makes you the legal father?

This is a heart wrenching and difficult situation.

I appreciate the thoughtful posters here who put care and thought into their posts too

I don’t want to let her go, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know it was happening until it was too late and there’s no going back now. My heart is begging for me to be there and love her the way she deserves regardless of how I feel be cause I do love her, but my head is screaming at me to stop being an idiot and let her waste away in the life she’s chosen.... how do I do what’s right for me when it’s so harmful to someone I care about...? But how do do what’s right for her with out completely selling my soul to the guy that took literally everything from in one try.... I’m ****ed aren’t I?

When the head and the heart conflict, I always go for what my head tells me. Because the heart can lie to us, and does not know what's best. The head always knows what's best.

There is a difference between listening to one's head vs. one ego.

Could you consult with an impartial third party, counsellor, even for just a session or two to see where you are at? Sometimes when we are too emotionally involved in a situation, it is difficult to know what to do. Having an objective eye, without any agenda, could help.

Some people in this thread are telling you what to do based on *their* beliefs. They make no room for what *you* want. That is not only confusing but potentially causing more confusion for you.

Yes I’ll admit my head and ego are both very much part of my dilemma as well. As for peoples opinions based on their beliefs I also took into consideration before posting, however they certainly do add to my confusion, but I’m taking everything thing with a grain of salt. I’m trying to think big picture and to the future because now is the time to make a decision that will set in motion one future or another. I want third party opinions and incites so I can better evaluate my situation using as much emotional wisdom from experiences I’ll never have. Unfortunately this is also my first and only relationship I’ve ever been in so I imagine that’s a whole other can of worms. Which is why I’m treading lightly and feeling out every available option before doing anything I otherwise wouldn’t if I had relationship experience. I know I’m pathetic, just rounding out the picture for you all. I thank you all again for every post I promise it’s all helpful to me.

I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for children in foster care.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do because your situation is very complex.

I will tell you where you stand from a legal standpoint regarding the child.

You have no legal rights to this child. You need a paternity test to make sure this man is in actuality the biological father. His parental rights so far are intact. The best you can do is petition the court to grant you the same custody rights as your fiance. That way, should anything happen to mom, he can't come and just take the kid. The only way you can adopt the child is if the biological father gives up his parental rights or if he is a danger to the child, his rights may be revoked.

As far as what to tell the child? He/she is more resilient than people give them credit for. DO NOT lie to the child about his parentage. He/she doesn't need to know the circumstances of their conception. They just need to know that they are loved and well cared for.

Also, I think considering your situation, you are doing alright for yourself. Communication. Communication. Communication!

Do whatever you want. It's you who's gonna face the consequences of the decision, not us. Be aware, though, that if people give you such harsh words when it comes to what to do, then it means the other option is bad. If it's your first relationship, you should live your life. Because if it's gonna blow up when you're, say, 35, and that's all you got in your life by then... things can get really bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yourself Honestly, I don’t know, the arts what I’m struggling with. I keep bouncing back and forth, but without me she will be a single mother and I don’t want that for her. But also yes I don’t know if I could ever be ok with the situation being a constant reminder that not only is it not my kid but it never will be...

If you decide to stay with her, you can always adopt the baby & make it YOURS. Don't get hung up on whose baby it is. If you are unwilling/unable to make this into your own family then maybe she is better off being a single mother

I agree with eskie re adoption but that could only happen if biological dad agrees to it. I agree about not being hung up on biology. That’s not what makes one a parent

Put his baby up for adoption. She isn't killing it and you guys won't be tied to an asshole. He has no rights, she's married to you. Adoption.

Why do you call him an "asshole"? She agreed to have sex with him. If he's an ***, then she's ten times worse.

There are plenty of good men who will raise another man's child as their own and have it be wonderful. My issue is the cheating and how she got pregnant after one time. There are other ways to have a baby with your partner without cheating on them. To me this is more than just cheating, Its cheating with a bottom line- getting pregnant and it involves bringing into a the world a child with two fathers which can be confusing, I hope you both can get therapy.

I know I am the only one saying this and that it's not a popular opinion. I find it morally repugnant that his wife had the nerve and the balls to ask him to parent a child that was conceived by cheating. She cheats and there are no repercussions for her infidelity and breach of trust. I highly doubt she slept with her lover just once. Pretty uncanny to get pregnant on the very first and supposedly ONLY try. And who is to say she won't cheat again with this man, or with some other man? Sure, he can adopt if the bio father agrees. Sure, they can maybe be happy, if the husband forgives the infidelity. It's a very tough position to be in. If it were me in those shoes, I'd say hell no to her and I would walk away for good. But that's just me, it's not my life and it's completely up to the OP. No need for anyone to respond to this.

I'm sorry but that's wrong. The biological father, asshole or not, is the legal father. @Yourself has absolutely no legal right to that child, even if he married the mother. I would request a paternity test if possible.

In order for them to adopt out the baby - like mom's really going to agree to that 🙄 - first they have to persuade bio dad to sign away all his rights. It's not very common for people to just sign their kid away,
though. It usually happens through the courts because of abuse and neglect.

I don't know, maybe I'm just old, but it seems to me that first and foremost, the child needs two loving parents. That's all that matters. The infidelity is forgivable for the sake of the child. @Yourself, who's name will go on the birth certificate?

Um, it happened to me --- twice. They don't call me Fertile Myrtle for nothin. 😂

He has been trying to get with her for about 5 years now and has gotten close before and never cared I existed. He has also been verbally and emotionally abusing her after he found out she was pregnant and even threatened her and the baby. He also has kids with his ex he doesn’t really care for either he’s just obsessed with my ex and wants her no matter what. She has been pushing him away more and more but he still reserves the rights of his unborn child unless we take him to court. He won’t agree to handle any of it civilly because he’s rather spite her if she won’t be with him.....😔

We wanted mine to go on it but after researching a bit I’m pretty sure it paternity fraud or I sign it.... all 3 of us know it’s not mine so legally we’d all be lying.... I’m not completely sure though.