Cuckolded

So did you decide to stay together?

Love is supposed to be a happy and fulfilling experience.. not daily emotional torture and certainly not a nightmare.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Good point. My grandfather was a wonderful man, husband, father and grandfather, great person all together. He wasn’t my mom’s bio father. But he was her father. We never even think about that he didn’t conceive her. I think people put too much emphasis on who biologically conceived a child, instead of who is actually being a parent.

Exactly.

Yes it’s with my pregnant woman haha I didn’t find another. We are trying to be together but now that it’s getting better I’m getting worried I had nothing to do with it and I’m just waiting for her... I feel selfish but if I don’t have any say or control over my own relationship am I really even part of it? To be fair my current situation seems to laughingly scream no in my face but I could be over thinking. Or I could be a terrible person I don’t know...

Plain and simple dear @Yourself. Are you happy in this relationship? Can you move forward right now given your current state of mind? Or are you unhappy, confused, conflicted, in turmoil and in pain and anguish in this relationship?

It's really simple. A happy and healthy relationship does not involve so much anguish and turmoil. An unhealthy relationship involves the above kind of negative emotions. I know you say you love her no matter what, but at what cost to you? No need to answer... just to ponder. If you're happy or truly believe you can be in this relationship, then great! And if not, then maybe think on this a bit more.

I honestly don’t know...😔 every time we get closer and I’m starting to be happy again all I can think about is him and how she left me for him and chose to sleep with him and chose to keep his baby. I want to be better but I’m struggling so much I don’t know if I can, plus I feel like the bad guy trying to steal someone else’s baby with her....

I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing.... I appreciate everyone’s help but I’m such a mental mess I don’t know if anyone even can help.... thank you to everyone who tried helping and I’m sorry to everyone who got annoyed with my decisions and confusion.

I've read through this thread (some time ago), but I can't remember - are you in therapy? Therapy seems like the smartest way to make peace with your situation, however it ends up.

No, but I probably should be.

Yes, it could be a good idea to help you to keep your balance and take the best decision.
Because I know you have contractions just now inside you but, it’s up to you to chose what you think it’s gonna work long term better for you and your family.
Don’t leave you influenced by social pressures and old prejudices.

So I’ve been marinating in my thoughts and emotions over the last few weeks and I think I’m starting to balance everything out a bit and I’ve come to a conclusion I don’t like and even worse don’t know why to do with...

I still love her, more than anything I’ve ever experienced and simply can’t imagine her not being in my life, but, I’m not in love with her anymore....

I think it’s up to a point normal that you feel emotionally disconnected. All happened very recently.
Take your own time and see how she reacts with the pregnancy and with you.
Having said that, I’m not an expert or have experience in what relationships have to do. I had to say it.
I’m only trying to do my best to put myself in your situation but my advice are kind of very simple.

Exactly! Abusive people love this logic. They say they wouldn't mind if you did the thing they are doing. Also, it's a bluff because she knows you would never do that even if you could biologically! She wants to keep you to deal with her consequences because she knows you will stay even if she gets pregnant from someone else again. This baby isn't a blessing to her it's a problem and she wants you to fix it. I noticed in your later post you mentioned that you still love her but are not in love with her. Good. That is a step in the direction of self-worth! Your gut is telling you that this isn't right. It's telling you to save yourself! That's the best way to love her is to let her go. She can't help you be a better man even if you raise this child. It won't fix anything.

So, I guess now the question is ( and I totally understand it’s not only an opinion thing but a personal decision I need to make for myself but...) what do I do now?

As other posters have said, have you gone to a therapist? You need to clear your mind first.

You have a big decision to make. I like the make a list of your options with pros and cons to help you see the big picture. I agree a therapist would be a great help to you now.

Yes, it’s a tough decision. @Yourself, we know it’s very hard so we are not gonna judge you.
If I were in your skin, I would consider if my wife loves me and if I could forgive her. It’s rare that you are gonna forget what happened but it’s possible that you forgive her if things have changed and she is worthy to fight for. You know what I mean?

Anyway, there’s not a guarantee about the result in the future. Maybe you will be happier with another person. It’s such a touchy topic.

Do you think it could work? What attitude is having that guy in relation to the parenting?

I feel like I’m moving on but I still can’t let go of her yet. And I’m trying to start talking to someone else innocently but I’m just trying to be happy... I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing though.

So I’ve realized I haven’t talked to anyone new in so long I’m not sure what I’m doing haha but hey it’s progress and I feel great even if I’m messing up because it’s what makes me happy for the first time in a long time 😁😁

Why is this your only option for a baby? You can adopt, foster, artificial inseminate... do not enter into a marriage without a great deal of self examination on all topics, but this one first and foremost. You say he’s a bad guy. Do you want to be attached to that forever? What if he does stick around the baby and when he has it fills the child’s head with lies and tears you down? Will you ever trust your wife to not cheat again, or even not cheat with the man she shares the child with? You also have to be real with yourself. Will you not only hold animosity against her or even worse the child to some degree?

Obviously the only one who can decide is you, and I do believe sometimes something good can come from absolute garbage. That being said I am a year and 4 months out of finding out my wife of 23 years and mother to my 4 kids had a 18-19 month affair that was off and on with a guy who we have since discovered is the worst of the worst as a human being (and I am not saying this loosely). I love her more than anyone in this world and still fight with myself inside about divorcing everyday. Intimacy for me has died. Even kissing at times when it happens I pull back and get disgusted. Honestly if I was in your shoes I’d thank God I wasn’t married to her already and I’d wish her well as genuinely and kindly as possible and go heal without dating anyone else until you are physically, spiritually and mentally solid. I hope you find your answer and heal either way and live a life of happiness.

Why isn't she marrying him? I also have to challenge the 'just once' and 'protection' parts...

Once she didn’t have to hide him anymore she realized she only wanted to **** him and nothing more. He wants to be with her but she doesn’t want to be with him anymore but in my opinion it’s to fucjing late for that kind of thinking and she shouldn’t expect anything from me ever.

She’s just that kind of girl where sex doesn’t mean anything unless she says it does nonsense. 🤣🤦🏻

There’s a saying if something doesn’t serve your needs, let it go, and find what does serve you. I know it’s easier said than done.

I’ve rarely seen someone being cheated on who continues to stay and take it. Mostly, if that happened, they stayed because they couldn’t escape or didn’t want to lesson their lifestyle due to finances or because of a custody of a child situation. It doesn’t sound like those pertain to you, though.

Why are you staying with her? Why aren’t you so angry, you just end it, like most people would?

Unfortunately she was my first girlfriend, my first everything, I got in way too deep my first time and now it seems impossible to just let it all go... I’ve never been with anybody else in any way whatsoever...😔 and I never wanted to but now I don’t know what to do or how to do it but I’m trying to do the right thing for everyone involved even if I’m the only one.