[DoroMona]

I have one sibling, an older brother. On some level, I've always felt that my parents preferred him to me because he was the well-adjusted, outgoing one whereas I struggled with a lot of things when I was younger. However, since then I've developed a closer relationship with my parents but still feel that my mother in particular has this infatuation with him. I feel that nothing I do for her can compare with even the smallest gesture from him. This could be my imagination or insecurity though.

He's married with two kids whereas I'm single. At the start of covid, I suggested we have some kind of family zoom on a regular basis. We started and kept it up for over a year, almost every week. These zooms were uncomfortable. My sister in law would rarely say anything other than hello to my parents and me, often not even that. My mother was pretty focused on the kids and if she did say anything to me, like asking how I was or if I'd read anything good recently, she would always interrupt me when I started answering to ask someone else something. I think she's starting to have hearing issues maybe. So I got tired of being interrupted and got even more quiet at these zooms. Often it would devolve into us just watching my brother eat dinner with his family, with no attempts from them to engage us or encourage their kids to talk to us.

Nevertheless, I attended most of the zooms and just stayed quiet. I'm in a different time zone and sometimes had to attend from the office, but I always showed my face and stayed for as long as I could. But recently, my brother decided that the zooms weren't working and that we were no longer engaging with one another, so he canceled them. Maybe he was right. I suggested (we were texting) that we try some non-dinner time to zoom. He he ignored me. I then suggested he and I chat sometime that day or weekend, which he also ignored.

So--I'm really sick of my brother. It recently occurred to me that we really have nothing in common. I hate that he decided to end the family zooms without any kind of discussion from the rest of us, like he's some sort of king. I feel that his kids are this precious "resource" that he controls so we all have to tiptoe around him. But I actually care more about my relationship with him than his kids. I could confront him and share my feelings, but I'm not sure what I want out of it. We've never really been friends. Years ago, I gave up on initiating contact with him because he would always cancel on me or not respond. So now we only talk when he reaches out, which a) is very rare and b) he's always extremely distracted. He called me for my birthday over the summer; I interrupted a meeting with my boss to take his call, but when he asked me how I was and I started telling him about things, I could just hear him talking with his wife on the other side of the line.

I'm really unclear on what I want. He's not going to change. I don't see us having a closer relationship. Do I just want to guilt him? At some point, who knows when, I know he'll reach out saying he wants to talk. I don't want to tell him anything about my life anymore, because of all the times I tried to tell him what was going on with me only to realize that he was just making "uh-huh" noises while doing something else. At the same time, I'm not necessarily ready to ignore his calls or tell him to F-off. Also, let's say I confront him and he actually tries to change. I'm not sure we have much to talk about. I'm thinking what I'll do is just accept his overtures when he reaches out, make 5 minutes of small talk telling him I'm fine and asking how he is, and say goodbye. But I still have a lot of anger about his behavior and sometimes I go in circles thinking about it. Advice? Do I sound narcissistic or like I have some martyr issue? I know I need to have sympathy for my brother and his wife who are parents during covid, but I'm soooo sick of them.

Sorry this was long...

[poshgirl]

DoroMona

It's normal to expect a sibling to behave well because we expect more as they're our relatives. It can be very disappointing when they don't behave acceptably and there can be many reasons.

Your post resonated with me on so any levels. My brother (younger) is mother's favourite. Borne out in everything he does or doesn't do. She is unwilling/unable to take issue with him, instead being nasty to me when I suggest he's let her down. The reason, he's produced her one and only grandchild. I'm single too, so this hasn't helped either.

I have nothing in common with my brother either. He's too easily influenced by others, especially his wife. She also interrupts telephone chats. Not that he's spoken to me much in the past 10 years. As for during lockdown, forget it, not a single word or text to see how I am. His wife's unacceptable behaviour towards me 2 years ago and fact she won't apologise just piles on the pressure. He also told me to F-off, only apologising months later rather than picking up phone. So much arrogance!

In my case, as I've got older, I've taken off the blinkers as far as relatives are concerned. Sadly, many close and not so close ones have chosen to believe only one side of the problem. I'm portrayed as the villain until I have the opportunity to speak up. This happened recently when talking to my aunt about the situation. After putting my side, she made a very telling comment, "now I realise it's not all you".

Please don't beat yourself up about your relationship with your brother. There are no laws that we have to get along. Yes, it's upsetting that there will never be a good relationship. You do not have martyr issues, you just want a normal family relationship that seems it's not going to happen. Go about your normal life. Bear in mind that one day, he may need you

[Bill3]

[Rive.]

Frankly, I don't see how you even still want a relationship with him when he clearly shows - and has been showing - his disinterest for years.

However, you want this relationship with him. So, I would suggest you speak to him directly. It is not about making him feel guilty or being explosive with him: just be clear, calm and direct rather than playing games (e.g. speaking for 5 mins then moving on, not taking his calls, taking his calls, you are angry but won't express it etc. etc.). Just tell him: you want a relationship but feel he is not showing up. At least then you will know that (1) you have tried and (2) he is (or is not) interested.

Direct communication and honesty beats playing games or going round in circles.

[RoxanneToto]

I’m really sorry you don’t have the sibling relationship you really want with your brother. I can relate to an extent - I’d like to be closer to my brother, too, but while we do get along, it’s pretty much surface level, casual and I don’t see that changing, either. Guilting your brother won’t get you what you want, and even if it did result in him communicating more, it likely wouldn’t make you feel better because it wouldn’t be authentic; for that, you’d both need to show up because you want to, not out of guilt or obligation.
Do you like your brother as a person? Is he someone you’d want to be friends with under other circumstances?
Not saying this is your case, but a lot of people make the mistake of thinking family = people you have to get on with, and feel guilty/sad when they don’t. Rive’s suggestion about direct communication was good. You would know where you stand, at least.

[DoroMona]

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses.

To Poshgirl--yep, my brother is also very easily influenced by his wife. He would deny it, but it's what I've observed and definitely doesn't help the situation.

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

Do you like your brother as a person? Is he someone you’d want to be friends with under other circumstances?

What we have in common is very superficial. Or else it's our shared childhood, but he doesn't seem to put a lot of value on this. That might change later, but that's where I get resentful, that I would like some level of closeness now but our relationship always has to follow what he wants and when he wants it. (I have to think this statement over...I want now, he wants later...why does it have to follow what I want in that case and not what he wants...?) Anyway, to answer your question, no I don't think I like him very much. I don't think he's a terrible person, but he's definitely very selfish and we are extremely different in terms of our politics and worldview.

Rive--your advice to be direct is great. I hate confrontation and always end up playing games instead. I could try to be direct, but I don't know what to say! I'm not sure what's realistic in terms of my brother and myself. I could definitely confront him on being distracted when we talk. I can't say much in terms of our zooms because he'll just criticize me back for being quiet and uninvolved. His lack of interest in my life bothers me, but to say it out loud, it just sounds narcissistic. I can't say that either. Something that really bothers me is the thought that he and his wife have their own grievances against me--that I haven't been interested enough in their kids, that I don't visit enough, that I never talk during the zooms, etc. Anyway, when I think about being direct with him, I'm really at a loss about what I want, beyond just venting my anger.

Thank you again everyone. This has been helpful. I'm going to think more about what I could say to him that would be constructive.

Just recently I've decided to let go of my sister. I had posted on MSF earlier on the Coping With Loneliness forum - I Just Let Go Of A Couple Of People. It was about her and my friend.

I could relate very well to the communications and the rudeness that comes with it. That was a problem for me. My sister and I have had a relationship for over 60 years so it's very hard to let it go. But it was because of the rudeness and being condescending. For examples: being interrupted by her husband, suddenly changing the subject because something just happened while I was talking, getting sleepy & drifting off, being sarcastic, and asking me if I want to move back to her area when I told her many times that I never want to.

I hated to let her go and felt guilty about it. Also, am I over reacting? And it's hard to have to let her go since I don't have much going for me socially. We haven't spoken to each other much lately, except for yesterday when I asked her how she was doing in the major blizzard in her area. I have been feeling better since not having to talk to her with all of the antics that go on.

As time goes on, people change. Sometimes a family relationship can go from wonderful to not so great. And then there are those you could never get along with no matter how much effort you try to make it better. With my sister we had a very nice relationship when I was very young. But in the last couple of decades, or more, it hadn't been great. And then lately it got worse instead of better.

[poshgirl]

Will19, we appear to be of similar ages.

I touched on the intervention problem, or should I say interruption. My brother's other problem is he totally believes everything our mother tells him, to the point of repeating lies rather than listening to the truth.

An example. Just after the problem with my sister-in-law, we met at mother's house. When I ventured that her lashing out at me was domestic abuse, he laughed and said I got that nonsense from spending all day on my computer. Despite denials, I knew exactly where that had come from. I've been shown more kindness and respect on a hobby-related site than I've experienced from family over the past 2 years. I've never met these people in person; says a lot!

I know people who have let go of parents too. Often also sacrificing wider family relationships, possibly to avoid the issue of taking sides. It's only natural for us to feel guilt, regret, sadness. As I may have said earlier, this often happens when we grow older (wiser?!) and realise the dynamics have changed.

[quest90]

Hi, sorry to hear about your relationship with your brother. I can't relate much to this issue, as for me and my sibling do have a healthy and happy bonding for the past several years. I think, in my opinion, you should try having a deer talk with your brother. Approaching the help of an expert therapist too would help you solve this issue. From your description, I feel that your brother is too straightforward a person who believes in anyone blindly. Maybe that might be his biggest downfall. Honest criticism from a mutually trusted third party is sure to solve most issues. I

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by will19

Just recently I've decided to let go of my sister. I had posted on MSF earlier on the Coping With Loneliness forum - I Just Let Go Of A Couple Of People. It was about her and my friend.

Sorry that you're going through this. So sad to lose a relationship after so many years. I still tell myself that these are very busy years for both myself and my brother. We're very into our jobs right now, and then he's also busy with his family. So I imagine that in 10 or 15 years, we might reconnect and I should just not rock the boat right now when he's under so much stress. But your post does make me think more about how it might just get worse and worse, and do I want to stick it out and keep internalizing his behavior for the rest of my/our lives?

My mother is definitely making things worse, unfortunately. Apparently, he was thinking about doing a family zoom last Friday, but she had another commitment so he decided not to initiate it. It leaves me feeling that it's always their little club. However, I think have to just push this feeling away and not overthink it. He was probably tired and glad for an excuse to cancel. It's nothing personal against me.

A friend recently encouraged me to just assume that my brother is not angry at me and is just busy with his life, and that I should stop imagining what grievances he might have against me, while letting go of my own. This was great advice...but so hard! And in general, it's so hard having someone in your life who is more and more distant, but at the same time so close.