How Can We Handle These Conflicts Better?

No worries and thanks much for the answer! I can see how it would be about building an image for trust.

Thanks much to you too. It makes sense especially if I think of sending things like pictures of intimate family life.

Well like I said, her father is bi-polar, and I have discussed everything about her and me in detail to my own psychologist over the last 11mos. She said the extreme mood swings, rage outbursts, and other issues that are causing our problems are most likely indicative of borderline personality disorder, possibly bi-polar disorder, or might even have both.

She said it's definitely more than just past trauma, because the extreme mood swings, uncontrollable rage, and irrational thinking shows something far beyond triggers from her past. There is trauma for sure, but there is also most definitely a personality disorder as well.

Her angry personality consumes both her and my happiness. Even if it got better once she was over her depression, other life difficulties will occasionally happen, and this would happen again. Unless she learns the core issue, acknowledges (and changes) her abusive behaviors, and realizes I'm not the source of the problem, she will just keep having one toxic relationship after another.

Well, I did write her an e-mail where I gave her a list of questions I felt she should ask her psychologist. It was a list of questions that would've helped her psychologist realize the core issues weren't her and I, but how things were being handled. But, I'm pretty sure she was ignoring most of what I was saying/texting back then, so she may have either ignored or dismissed it and might not ask her psych any of them. And the one I emphasized was the most important was:

"Ask her if you were to enter another relationship now, if she feels you would have similar issues with someone else?"

I know she thinks that she would not have these issues with the right type of personality. But, no matter what their personality, no human could ever manage to dodge all the topics she needs you to dodge, especially because you don't even get warned until after she's already angry. It would be impossible. But, I feel like until she hears it from her psychologist, she will continue to not believe me. And if it took her dating others to realize this, I don't think I would ever be able to take her back in the future. I would have that stuck in my head and never get it out. I love her too much to deal with her having been with someone else after we met. I don't feel it should take that. She just needs a serious wake up call, hopefully from her psych in the near future.

Even if her psych just gets her to question the real source of the problems, I think if anything, she might have doubts and consider not cutting ties here entirely. All I want is a friendship. Some kind of distant communication to see if she actually does change. Something to help her realize it wasn't us.

I just don't get it. I don't get how if someone asks you a question you don't want to talk about, why not just tell them you don't want to talk about it and drop it? Or if they say something that hurts your feelings, let them know it hurt your feelings and why, so they have a chance to clarify or apologize or whatever is necessary to resolve it?

She just can't control her emotions long enough to do that. The moment she even *thinks* you may have said something in a negative way, it's immediate rage. No reasoning, no explaining, no resolving, just rage. Same thing every time - yelling, swearing at me, calling me names, insulting me, threatening the relationship (or ending it altogether). She can't control her emotions, and I don't deserve that. No man does.

Just makes me so sad when everything else was so amazing. Something I felt should be so simple, but not to her. I don't know if she can ever fix it. Maybe she is a narcissist and is just wired that way. I might never know for sure.

Well, she never claimed she saw them as "reasonable," as she would acknowledge she needed to work on it. But, what bothered me is when I would flat out call it abusive, she never agreed. She never acknowledged it was abusive, over the top, excessive, uncalled for, undeserved, etc. The most I would get is that she "had to work on it."

And yea, the pattern along with a lot of other things is why my psych strongly believes she has at least one severe personality disorder.

Maybe if she took the right medication, it would improve a lot. I think that's a big part. She's been on an anti-depressant for over two decades. Same medication, never any re-evaluation, etc.

Maybe with CBT from her psych, she can retrain her mind and/or gain control of her emotions better. Or, maybe it will take her getting to the root cause of some of her issues - like the unhealed trauma of her past.

IF her psych is good, and IF she sticks with it long-term, they should help. But, I don't even know who her psych is, so no clue if she's good or not.

Mine has over 25+yrs under her belt, two doctorates, and tons of certs over the years. But, she never talked to my ex directly. She was supposed to last week, but she cancelled the appointment. I was real p*ssed. It could have helped. But, whatever I tell her that comes from my psych, she writes it off. Figured she needed to hear it from the horse's mouth herself.

I guess only time will tell what happens. It's just with how amazing we were at one point, and knowing it isn't an "us" issue, but other things hurting us (some of which can definitely be worked on), it's hard to really believe it's over. It's like the best part of my life is gone, and now all I'm living for is my kids. I can't fathom finding this again. I mean the good that we had, the chemistry, etc.

One other thing... she doesn't have the greatest memory. There were so many sweet, romantic texts and other messages we shared with one another. Once I moved in, I think the extra stress exacerbated the issues. It was too much too soon. And now ever since, she's afraid because of how bad things got.

But anyway, I remember the really good times. When she is angry at me, 98% of what she thinks about is the bad. All she talks about at those points is the bad, even though she tries to say she thinks of the good too. But no, only negativity comes out of her mouth at those times.

I think she has been depressed (at least 2mos now) and things have been rough for so long now that she doesn't fully remember how good things had been before her depression. She only sees the bad, with VERY select few good times. Like maybe a tiny fraction of them.

One of the worst parts of this is that she blames me (our relationship) for her depression. I know it isn't us. In fact, when I would come over, it was the only times she was happy. She'd have energy, feel motivated, she'd smile, she was at least somewhat better. As soon as I'd leave, it was back to no motivation and sleeping all the time. I don't get how she couldn't see I wasn't the problem - I was part of the solution - someone supporting her through a really dark time.

If she truly loved me the way she said she did, if she truly wanted what she said she wanted with me, she wouldn't fully give up here. I have no clue though. May hear from her any minute, maybe in a couple weeks, couple months, or maybe never. I had so much confidence in us making it through anything. Now, I am wondering if there would ever even be an "us" again.

I mean she even wrote such a sweet post to me for my bday on FB. Then the next day, breaks up with me. Extremes with her that are completely unpredictable and nerve-wracking.

Like I said, I'd just want a friendship for now, but I miss having her in my life. She was my best friend as well as my love. And I didn't just lose her. I lost her family. Her kids, and my kids lost her. My sons absolutely love her, and my daughter was just starting to form a strong bond with her (she hadn't met my daughter until Christmas). I've lost so much more than just a girlfriend.

Yeah it's definitely more than just fears from trauma, or depression, IMO. At the minimum she would need to do anger management classes or something like that, if she doesn't want to dig deep.

I can understand if you want to keep some hope but unfortunately if I were you I'd be way more skeptical, it would take way more than some discussion with her psychologist.

Change about such serious issues would probably take several years even if she starts working on it.

Yeah, unfortunately that just seems like the reality.

I hope you'll eventually feel like you can risk going out there again and try with another, more stable, more sane and sensible woman who's also got some satisfying chemistry with you.

It doesn't even have to be a full 10/10 chemistry. I've read before that such a 10/10 chemistry can more easily result in a toxic relationship as it's just not a maintainable dynamics long-term, that is, the partners feel such a strong chemistry because of how e.g. they are opposites attracting each other but these opposites are too different for it to work long-term, things like that.