Adulting: should your mom cook for you at 29?

I've been dating this girl for almost a year, i am 28 and she is 29, both women. We've been mostly online but she visited me in my country and this summer i am going to visit her. She lives by herself, has a 9 to 5 job plus her own business. And recently she told me her mom agreed to come and cook lunch and dinner for her.

I've already known that once in a while her friend was doing her laundry and hearing her mom is going to be cooking for her made me question if she is ready to be taking care of herself and to set boundaries with people. She wants us to live together and says that when she lives with her partner, she's motivated to cook for both and to clean - more than when she lives by herself.
What do you think about this situation?
THanks! <3

I think the “why” and how often she delegates these tasks to others is important to find out. Does she have a lot going on that she deals with on her own, so that these tasks become a bit overwhelming at times? It goes without saying that with two people doing their fair share, it’s easier.

she says it's because she lacks motivation to cook for herself only. but once she lives with her partner, she feels motivated

Well if she works and has her own business she might not have much time for cooking. I look at it the same as people hiring cleaning person or someone to cut their lawn or someone eats out often. Of course mom does it for free but maybe mom enjoys it. I’d not care. I’d care if she didn’t work and laid around all day. But if someone cooks for her it’s no big deal.

She sounds kinda spoiled that a mother and a friend are doing what most adults have to do for themselves. What more, she gets these 'services' for free. Working 9 to 5 is no excuse as that is what the majority of people manage to do. So yeah, lucky that she has people cater to her needs..

Before moving in with her I would suggest reaching explicit agreement about how chores will be shared/divided.

I'm 38 and dislike cooking for myself. I'm a salad, sandwich, pre-made food type of person. Anything easy (and hopefully healthy, buuuuut not always) Sometimes I eat dinner at my parents house where my mom sometimes cooks. My mom enjoys cooking though and invites me over. I guess being an adult means different things to different people. But if she works and has another business, maybe she's tired and...lacks motivation.

It sounds like this is something important to you though, that your partner cook for herself and you. Are there any other things in this category you consider red flags? Or just this? Are you questioning whether she will actually cook once you move in?

Oooh! I agree!

When i'm on a early start at work, I go to my mum's afterwards and have a cooked meal there cause i get too tired to cook for myself after being on my feet all day

If my shifts work out wrong, i get ready meals for the freezer and chuck them in the microwave after work

i'm 32

Well I don’t know if most adults cook for themselves.

Many eat out or buy carry out and many have a partner who cooks. And what “for free” really means. Mom might get some perks out of it. Monetary or not. I don’t think there is a rule that adults must cook for themselves.

Many adults don’t work. Should we have a rule “adults must work”? Or should we call them lazy? Who cares about laundry. Some people pay for laundry service. Why is it important?

This is not a discussion about working or not working but of an adult taking ownership of their own lives and taking care of their own needs.

The fact is that here is an adult who IS working, so has earning power yet she is enlisting others' services for free for her own convenience. Cooking or sorting out food for one person is too much for her?! Give me a break.

And yes, most adults manage to take care of themselves, which can involve ready-meals, takeout, whatever. Not many have the luxury to have people cook for them. And no, a mother or friend are not a spouse. Talk about taking my words out of context.

What next? She would be too lazy to feed herself, so someone would have to literally spoon-feed her because she can't be bothered to do so?

It could be that she is lazy but we don’t really know. We don’t really have enough info to go by.

Her mom might be extremely lonely and needs to feel useful so perhaps she is very happy to be busy cooking for family members, otherwise she’d fall into depression. Maybe for mom it’s the only way to stay involved. Maybe she loves it. Maybe daughter gives her something in exchange. We don’t know what’s free or what’s not. Families have various arrangements with helping each other. It might also be cultural. Family members who don’t work cook for those who do. Maybe mom refuses to take payment. Who knows? Not enough info here to judge what’s going on

So we don’t really know if this person selfishly enlists people to do things for her or that’s mutually beneficial agreement. It doesn’t sound like she forcefully makes people do things for her. We just don’t know. We aren’t in that family

And what about the other tasks at home? Because, gals if you are gonna share an apartment each one’s task has to be clarified before hand.

I understand her mum wants to share a plate of meal with her if your friend is very busy working and her mum is get used to cooking. The more you cook, the more practise and faster do it and a mother’s meal has no comparison with anybody else’s. Yummy! 😀

The problem with the late twenties is that not only we are getting older but we compare ourselves to those who are already so successful by our age, those who are already married with kids and we are still looking for our first boyfriends. Those who are already in their careers and we're still getting degrees and entering our first jobs. Those who are already buying their first house and some of us are still living at home or moving out for the first time. Life's changed and the 20s are not the same. It's becoming a divided age and a very confusing time, how can some of us have already accomplished so much and others are still getting started?

Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't, but in my situation, as someone who has moved out for the first time, I am grateful to have enthusiatically supportive parents. They try to play it cool, but they get so excited to drop off homemade soup and meatloaf or casseroles. They're always asking me if I'd like this, this, or that. And what do I think of this, would I like them to buy it for me? And oh, we're sending you a suprise in the mail. My grandma does the same thing, she'll send me magnets or money for whatever I'd like with a big "when you get this, shhhhhh! Don't tell anyone!"

I agree with other members, moms and grandmas especially like to support their daughters and granddaughters, and it is a huge relief to come home and have something Mom made when the food I cook usually turns out crap. I work FT and am starting life on my own, so the extra help is appreciated and it helps me feel less homesick to have my mom and grandma care enough about me to surprise me or cook me meals. And I do return the favor, I go visit them, write them thank yous, buy them little surprises and I have already cooked for Mom and Dad (they were polite about it, but most of it turned out crap).

On the other hand, though, be careful when your girlfriend says "I'll be more motivated". That may not be the case. And why should one person cook and the other expect to be waited on? If she doesn't know how to cook, teach her and cook meals together. That's a how a couple ought to be--working together and pulling both their weight.

I'm almost 42 and if my mom wanted to come and cook me lunch and dinner every day, I'd totally be down. Since when does adulting mean you have to do every single thing yourself or that you don't spend time with/take care of/keep connections to your family? It's like assuming that because someone lives with their folks that they aren't an adult.

Oh and the laundry thing? That's completely normal. My dad said back in the 70s when he was in college he had to teach all the kids in his dorm how to do laundry--he said none of the kids knew how to do laundry. And my mom said she never learned how to cook until she got married.

So when I hit my teens, my parents sat down and showed me how to do laundry and my mom invited me to help her cook just to learn the basics.

So, many 20 somethings don't know how to do their laundry, and some have never learned to cook. Her girlfriend simply may not know how to do her own laundry, and like me, she may be so new to cooking that all her food turns out crap without help from Mom.

I know a lot of people who came out of college and still didn't know how to do laundry. I think it does signify a bit of a sheltered life, but that's okay, and nothing to shame someone for. We don't learn how to do things until we need to. It doesn't mean someone doesn't have the ability to take care of themselves or be self sufficient.

Hi guys, thanks everyone so much for responding! <3 she actually loves cooking and during her visit to me, I saw her cooking quite a lot - she was on vacation and had the time & the motivation to do that. We had an honest talk recently, and she said her mom was making her do all the housework from the age of 6 - and right now the mom is trying to make up for years of hostility and not fully taking care of her in these practical ways.

The situation also made me aware that I have a mentality of proving to people I'm independent and ´adult enough´ since I moved out at 16 and have not had much practical help which I actually really needed!! Somehow convinced myself this was the only way to mature and found myself looking down on people who live with their parents after a certain age or ask for help. SMH all of your comments really shed light on that... so gonna take a closer look at these unhelpful beliefs. All the best to everyone here <3

Yep, at 68, I am living alone on my own farm & seriously, I love when my neighbor brings over dinner or someone invites me over for dinner. My friend also owns a farm & her mom & step dad are now living with her. I was over helping her do fencing one day & seriously, her mom made dinner & what a treat that was.

Lol....as for laundry, I let it sometimes pile up for a month before I have energy to do it. Having the energy after working all day seriously has no correlation to motivation. There have been days when I came in after all day working on my farm & I did without dinner because I didn't even have energy to microwave anything.

Everyone has their own energy level & priorities of what they spend that energy on. You can think that being together would give you the "motivation" but if the energy isn't there at the end of the day, "motivation" is a worthless incentive other than to possibly cause guilt.....which should not be part of a relationship

That's called severe depression.

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Originally Posted by Etcetera1 That's called severe depression.

Someone with severe depression couldn't hold down a job & own their own business like she does. It's called setting priorities given the energy level left after working hard all day

Just an FYI: Not universally true. I managed to teach full-time (quite effectively) while severely depressed to the point of requiring hospitalization multiple times over a period of years. I was always very high functioning on the outside - a mess on the inside. I'd reach a point where I needed hospitalization, but even that was usually just a few days until stabilized and then straight back to work. Some people like myself have this odd ability to compartmentalize. It's why I could still function and teach very effectively while my husband was in the ICU and dying, and I've been able to do so since his death. It doesn't mean my grief is not severe or that I don't collapse in mental exhaustion once home. I've known a number of people who are high functioning even when really struggling - it's a paradox, but not all that uncommon.

In this particular case, it sounds like her mom has offered to help her with meals out of the kindness of her heart, and she took her up on it. Doesn't sound like she's depressed or lazy or helpless - just utilizing an offered resource available to her (delegating which is a characteristic of many effective leaders and business people). OP, I would just be clear if I was moving in with her that you are each responsible for your own groceries, meals, cleaning, etc.

I don’t see where this lady in question has severe or any depression and why it’s even an assumption.

First people assume she is lazy then she is not an adult and now she is depressed?

I thought OP explained that she works full time and owns business, she grew up rather quickly having a lot of household responsibilities from a very young age. Now her mother wants to help out with cooking some meals. I thought OP had a good explanation to all this

Why families helping each other is seen is something horrible and negative even though none of it was ever mentioned in the OP’s explanation

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 I don’t see where this lady in question has severe or any depression and why it’s even an assumption. First people assume she is lazy then she is not an adult and now she is depressed? I thought OP explained that she works full time and owns business, she grew up rather quickly having a lot of household responsibilities from a very young age. Now her mother wants to help out with cooking some meals. I thought OP had a good explanation to all this Why families helping each other is seen is something horrible and negative even though none of it was ever mentioned in the OP’s explanation

You are right, Assumptions can become very judgmantal

If they are a romantic couple in a committed relationship (and sounds like they are) why would each be responsible for their own meals and groceries and cleaning? Why wouldn’t they operate as a couple/a team: sharing and doing things together and helping each other? They must cook their own meals, not even cook for each other or take turns or do it together??? If they have everything separate, why even live together?