[Salomene]

Hello peeps! I'm a 26 year old female and I've been dating a lot in the past 4 years, after an unhappy and toxic long term relationship had finally ended.
I'm pretty sexually open I guess one could call me promiscuous.


I was very happy with that life without commitment until I deeply fell in love in 2020. It was a complicated up and down, because that man was in an open relationship but it was the first time I could only think about one person for months and wasn't interested in anyone else. He eventually broke up and we started dating, but he still never really wanted to fully commit and we stayed in some kind of open and long distance relationship, which made stability quite hard to achieve and made my feelings slowly freeze to protect myself. Few months ago, I then met man number two, fell in love on the spot and have been dating them both since then.

They love me back and want to get committed with me (man number one realized his mistake of keeping me on distance) but I can't seem to chose one of them if my life dependet on it, because I love them both. Or that's what I thought.

So far so good, although this situation is very complicated, falling in love with two people may still be not the most uncommon thing to happen. But a few days ago, I went partying with two good friends of man number one and because I had forgotten my keys, the one who lives close to me offered for me to sleepover at his place. We ended up sleeping in the same bed and although we didn't have sex, it was pretty damn close and we had some steamy kissing going on. I liked him before and now I feel ridiculously infatuated with that guy too! And I feel that my feelings are getting completely out of line! Is there no end to the amount of men I feel irrevocably drawn to?! It seriously scares me, that I have so little control over my desires and sexual urges! I knew this would end in chaos but I still went home with that guy because I wanted it so bad in that moment and I normally always act on my desires and hate repressing them. But I should be able to control myself better! It scares me, that I fall so easily, that one night with a guy is enough to make my heart sting when he tells me, he's actually seeing someone else too, although I'm dating TWO men, one of them his FRIEND! I'm afraid people might call me crazy, if I tell them about this and even more so, that they may be right.

I don't want to be like this. I really want to be a person that is reliable and can offer my partner safety and not hurt them. And I also want to be able to trust myself and my feeling of love, when I feel it. But how can I claim to love anyone in that situation, when it takes nothing to sway me into another direction within minutes?

I've been thinking a lot about what happened and why I might act and feel like this. I have been always pretty interested in boys since kindergarten and my friends knew me as the girl that was always in love with someone. But now that I'm an arguably pretty attractive woman and I actually date the people I normally only dreamt of, this emotional and sexual promiscuity hurts feelings and I still don't know why I actually do it, maybe seem to need it even.

Does anybody (preferably a woman) know this problem? I would love to hear what reasons for this kind of behaviour you can think of and what might help me to be a little bit more focused and in control of my feelings and behaviour.


Thank you in advance and please don'tbe too harsh, I know I'm a hoe but I'm tryna get better

Salomene

[divine1966]

How is your family of origin? Are they unavailable, emotionally or otherwise? You might be drawn to unavailable people (in open relationships and non committal) and you make yourself unavailable. It might’ve safer than actually become vulnerable and take a chance at real relationships. These are good topics for therapy

[Rive.]

It seems more like falling in lust than falling in love

I don't think anybody here could shed light on the *why* of your behaviours as no one is the expert on you. What you state "I still don't know why I actually do it, maybe seem to need it even" seems very pertinent and I would explore this with a trained professional so as to get insight on *you*

I don't know how well you know yourself but this could help you identify this 'need' to find something that you can't seem to obtain.

[Nammu]

What’s the real problem? Seems like you are more worried about others judging you than anything else. I agree see a therapist to root out what’s bugging you, if it’s just outdated standards of what people think maybe you can find happiness by being content in your own skin. Just practice good hygiene and routine doctor appointments.

[AliceKate]

I can't answer our question, but as long as you're streight with the men, I feel it is their responsibility, not yours, to pull back if they feel they can't handle the situation.

[Discombobulated]

Your last sentence- (you know you’re a hoe but you’re trying to get better) you wrote a smile emoji but still, I wonder if you’re judging yourself harshly on this.

Different short term interactions aren’t unusual for many people, especially younger people. Nothing to be ashamed of, just how some people are, it’s not necessarily hurtful either as long as you’re truthful.

However if it’s causing you unhappiness then I agree it might be something to discuss with a therapist.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by Salomene

I'm pretty sexually open I guess one could call me promiscuous.

(...)

I was very happy with that life without commitment until I deeply fell in love in 2020. It was a complicated up and down, because that man was in an open relationship but it was the first time I could only think about one person for months and wasn't interested in anyone else. He eventually broke up and we started dating, but he still never really wanted to fully commit and we stayed in some kind of open and long distance relationship, which made stability quite hard to achieve and made my feelings slowly freeze to protect myself.

(...)

And I feel that my feelings are getting completely out of line! Is there no end to the amount of men I feel irrevocably drawn to?! It seriously scares me, that I have so little control over my desires and sexual urges! I knew this would end in chaos but I still went home with that guy because I wanted it so bad in that moment and I normally always act on my desires and hate repressing them. But I should be able to control myself better! It scares me, that I fall so easily, that one night with a guy is enough to make my heart sting when he tells me, he's actually seeing someone else too, although I'm dating TWO men, one of them his FRIEND! I'm afraid people might call me crazy, if I tell them about this and even more so, that they may be right.

(I'm a woman too and I'm free sexually alright too when not in a relationship, so no judging here : P)

To me going by the quoted parts it seems like you have hurt feelings from that deep love for an unavailable guy that you are trying to avoid by having your emotions going all over the place like this. Like some extreme rebound. Maybe the leftover from the original bad relationship isn't totally healed yet either so this would be on top of all that.

Plus the idea of never 'repressing' desires can lead here too or make it worse.

To have more control and focus you simply have to practice control and focus, start with it gradually. I can't give you specifics as I don't know your life or anything. I agree that a therapist or a life coach or self-help on good habits or something like that can also help with all this. I said life coach and self-help because it sounds like part of this isn't that deep, and is simply about having the right habits.

I don't want to be like this. I really want to be a person that is reliable and can offer my partner safety and not hurt them. And I also want to be able to trust myself and my feeling of love, when I feel it. But how can I claim to love anyone in that situation, when it takes nothing to sway me into another direction within minutes?

I do respect your honesty and willingness to take responsibility & your wanting a relationship with consistency if that's an important value of yours. And yea I totally get that about being able to trust your own feelings being consistent. The best luck with all this!!

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by Nammu

What’s the real problem? Seems like you are more worried about others judging you than anything else. I agree see a therapist to root out what’s bugging you, if it’s just outdated standards of what people think maybe you can find happiness by being content in your own skin. Just practice good hygiene and routine doctor appointments.

Only OP knows herself but it didn't sound like just "outdated standards" about - eventually - wanting a monogamous relationship with one partner emotionally and/or sexually, and wanting to be able to trust feelings and able to understand what they are about......

[Fuzzybear]