No time for bickering

Received some devastating news this evening. My cousin tried Only just found out because my aunt insisted on telling me herself.

When someone says they feel like the stuffing has been knocked out of them, now I know what it means. I'm usually able to find words for most situations but this has left me unable to.

However, my mother has taken a dim view of her sister's attitude, feeling that she should have been entrusted with telling other family members like my brother and me sooner. She's deeply hurt and told my aunt how she felt.

How do I tell my mother her opinion is not the main issue here. Just another example of her narcissism. It's my cousin's welfare and why she felt she could no longer cope.

Any advice on handling this difficult situation greatly appreciated. By that I mean my cousin's actions not my mother's behaviour.

Hi @poshgirl - sorry to hear the sad news about your cousin. They must be in a very dark place.

It is tough to say what to tell your mother. Some people are locked into family politics and lose sight of the bigger picture. I think if someone is not talking about this situation, it is best to talk with people that are concerned and want to discuss it.

All the best to you.

Thanks everyone!

And thanks to CANDC for adding trigger. Completely forgot at the time, then remembered when woke this morning. Hope it hasn't affect anyone adversely.

An amazing friend, who I shared this news with last night, has sent me a lengthy message of support. Have read it 3 times already this morning and it's brought tears to my eyes. He's very perceptive, almost a six sense, but like many others cannot offer any concrete answers.

Visiting mother later, hoping her attitude has changed. Methinks that's a step too far...

Oh crikey I’m sorry to read this, fwiw I think your instincts about your mother and family politics are bang on. Just wanted to back you up really, although I don’t know how best to handle your mother as sometimes confronting people with that kind of behaviour can backfire/entrench them further.

Is your cousin your aunt’s daughter? Hope she’s doing as well as possible/getting help.

Soooo sorry to hear about your cousin. How horrific. She must have been in a very dark place.

AND, if your mom is in fact a narcissist, of course she will somehow find a way to make this issue about herself. And so she has.

It's really no one's business, really... it's a very private matter and only immediate family members need to know, at first at least. When I've had similar troubles, we did not share it beyond the immediate family. It's your mom's sister's right to share only when she feels comfortable doing so. IMHO.

You and your entire family have a lot to process. I hope you all find the emotional support you need.
If I were you, I would talk first with your aunt. Be there graciously for her. Ask to see your cousin if that's what your cousin wants. Try not to be offended if it isn't because there are a lot of feelings involved. Not just the ones that led to this event, but quite a few in the aftermath. It may be enough for your cousin and aunt to know you are concerned and supportive of the healing process.
As for your mother, acknowledge that she has complex emotions (without naming them) Then, tell her that this is a difficult time and your priority is focusing on healing. You can also tell her that your aunt may have chosen to wait on the advice of the doctor treating your cousin because it was what was best for your cousins mental health. Remind your mother that there are people she can talk to about her feelings butter you aren't her best option.
All the best to you and your family.

I’m so sorry to hear this, poshgirl. I would second focusing on what your cousin and aunt need. You and your mum also both need support right now, but it sounds like it would be best if you don’t lean on each other directly.

I would not pay attention to your mother's complaints. Don't engage, it feels like wasted effort.

As for your cousin, I would be there for her. I hope she also gets counselling.

Thank you all for your support and comments. I'm very touched.

My aunt is not my cousin's biological mother. In her words "she's the only mother I've ever known". The timing is also difficult to understand, given it was Mother's Day in the UK. It's also around 14 years since her husband and father died.

The only person allowed to visit at the moment is my cousin's son. Whether this is due to continuing Covid restrictions, her state of health or both. She is in an acute unit so receiving the best care possible.

As predicted, my mother's attitude was disgraceful. I had to resist telling her exactly what I thought. For over an hour, she talked at me about how hurt she was by the restrictions on discussing my cousin. I stopped short of actually spelling out it was not about her. Finally, after accusing me of taking sides, she uttered the magic words "perhaps I am being selfish". My silence meant more than stating the truth!

She did agree that it was not the right time to send a get well card. I want to carefully choose one that portrays the right sentiment.

Sadly, my mother thinks it's still okay to criticise me whilst also expecting my ear. We have history, which she tried to bring into the discussions. I deflected this by saying that my cousin's mental health is far more important.

@poshgirl I am sorry to hear how challenging your mom is. You did the right thing by remaining silent. You must be a very patient person. That is amazing because I know how challenging that can be.

My mom is at a stage that she knows everything and she may agree with me and then go do the opposite. It is not easy but I do not argue with her. It only upsets me too much

Thanks CANDC

Coming to this forum was borne out of frustration with my mother's attitude. Have posted under title of degenerating relationship with my mother. Then there was the incident with my sister-in-law.

The amazing friend who I posted about in opening this thread has opened my eyes to a lot of things. As have the many contributors to my other threads. Lots of people think their problems are unique to them then realise they are not alone.

Will check in with my aunt tomorrow. She, amongst others, have wondered if it's early onset of dementia with my mother. I don't think so as she's always been difficult. For as long as I can remember, she's always had low self-esteem and possibly a persecution complex.

Haven't read my friend's e-mail today, so that is the next job. Like everyone's support on here, it will serve as a source of comfort and inspiration in the days, weeks and months to come.

@poshgirl I am finding my mother is in complete denial of dementia even though she repeats questions 3-4 times in a 10 minute conversation. I do not point that out. I simply go along with what she says. Getting into an argument with her never helps.

An update.

My cousin has been released from hospital as she is medically fit. The Mental Health team start their visits tomorrow. Gone are the days when people spend weeks or even months in hospital.

Spoke to my aunt at length earlier. My cousin doesn't want to speak to her yet. We agreed that she's probably got a whole mixture of emotions at the moment and has to start processing them.

My aunt can't understand my mother's attitude. She's come to the same conclusion as me that her sister is making life difficult for herself, at a time when she should be taking more care.

Thanks again for your support.

Firstly, an update of my cousin. She's been to visit my aunt but fell asleep because she can't do it at night. Time for me to check in with my aunt again. Have bought a "thinking of you" card, as already deemed "get well" inappropriate. Even my mother agreed, so she's sending one too. Progress?

Yesterday's visit to my mother followed the usual path. Within ten minutes of arrival, running down my aunt. Still the same subject of the initial silence. Again, I repeated that it was my cousin's son's decision. It's difficult enough to handle without lots of people demanding updates, progress reports, why she did it, etc. My response still the same.

Mother then said that my cousin was not showing any progress. A complete lack of understanding that mental health issues can't be mended overnight. Again I used the analogy that her problem could not be solved with an operation or a plaster cast. I'm having lunch with her next Sunday, as it's Easter here in the UK. Mentioned about visiting my aunt again, but still no progress as my mother cannot get past all the hatred generated in her own mind.

So, little progress to report with my cousin (as expected). Minimal progress with my mother but next time we speak she'll revert to the "me, me" attitude.

Again, thanks for all your good wishes.

Discussion with my mother last weekend almost degenerated into an argument because she started to repeat all the angst against my aunt and couldn't understand why my cousin wasn't making any progress. Failure to understand that these things take time and we may never know what triggered her actions.

Mother is now using all sorts of excuses for not visiting my aunt, from not being able to do any housework for her (aunt still recovering from fall earlier this year), to "I haven't been invited" (that's just how her mother used to behave). Then she contradicts everything she's just said.

Would like to know how my brother views all of this and whether she behaves like this with him. As we're estranged, I'm never likely to find out unless my aunt knows.

I can now understand how people may feel they can't handle life, especially when the problems are inflicted on them by other people.

An update. Again, many thanks for your support.

My cousin sent text message invite a few days ago (BBQ for my aunt's birthday end June). Also thanked me for the card and gave me a progress report. She said lots of things just mounted up. Medication and experts are helping her to evaluate why she did what she did. my offer of an ear was well received.

My mother is still full of angst. I read out the texts to her. She was strangely quiet before starting usual criticism of my aunt. This time I had to agree because aunt had said some things that were factually incorrect. I ended the topic by saying I was well aware of the behaviour within my family and would not become embroiled in it. However, at a suitable juncture I would correct the lies that are circulating.