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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 06:49 AM
  #241
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
WOW - so instead of facing his addiction and instead of getting actual treatment for it, he runs away from the responsibility of it all.

Do you see this? He cannot own up to his problems, nor get help for himself.

He has saved you from a whole lot more grief. Look at this as your ticket to freedom.


I hope he follows through with what he says about sending money each month. Yes, the distance will impact your daughter, but it's best this way. Best that he is no longer living under the same roof, causing damage.

And yes, you will have many different emotions around him leaving. Keep the perspective. He is running away from getting any real help.
Yes it seems that he didnít want to go through with addiction inpatient and ran away instead. He told me a few times before that if my problem with him was weed then to just leave him and he doesnít care. He said he loved me when he left. He pretended to want a nice goodbye but said inflammatory things right before he left so I didnít engage. Yes itís good heís not here to cause more damage, then again he left me to take care of everything myself. Fine. He left for self preservation and probably to outdo me wanting a divorce. I always know if I ďdo somethingĒ heíll do something three times worse.
He should be sending some money at least because he has things on auto pay from the account. He needs to pay me for them, cancel them, or put in his own new account. Then yeah child support.

I promised my daughter that I will take great care of her and weíll enjoy our life and have fun and get through this.

Thereís such conflicting feelings but I weighed this for months and pleaded with him for months with no change. I faced the truth that the only way he would treat me ďwellĒ is if I enabled him. Thatís not being treated well then anyway.

Iím a single mom now. Wow.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 07:02 AM
  #242
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Let him vent and leave. He doesnít want to do rehab. He is making his choice, donít let him fill you with guilt.
Heís gone about 9 hrs now. I did tell him at some point donít do rehab for me because then heíll be annoyed with me, do it for him. Maybe I shouldnít have said that. Again guilt.

Iím filled with guilt at moments and other moments I shake it off.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 07:08 AM
  #243
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Yes it seems that he didnít want to go through with addiction inpatient and ran away instead. He told me a few times before that if my problem with him was weed then to just leave him and he doesnít care. He said he loved me when he left. He pretended to want a nice goodbye but said inflammatory things right before he left so I didnít engage. Yes itís good heís not here to cause more damage, then again he left me to take care of everything myself. Fine. He left for self preservation and probably to outdo me wanting a divorce. I always know if I ďdo somethingĒ heíll do something three times worse.
He should be sending some money at least because he has things on auto pay from the account. He needs to pay me for them, cancel them, or put in his own new account. Then yeah child support.

I promised my daughter that I will take great care of her and weíll enjoy our life and have fun and get through this.

Thereís such conflicting feelings but I weighed this for months and pleaded with him for months with no change. I faced the truth that the only way he would treat me ďwellĒ is if I enabled him. Thatís not being treated well then anyway.

Iím a single mom now. Wow.
Yes, you're a single mom now without the burden of taking care of yet another child - a man-child, which is what your husband is. He refuses to grow up.

And yes, enabling doesn't change the real problem. It only perpetuates the problem.

Of course he said mean and inflammatory things as he walked out the door. It's his M.O.

You will find that as the hours and go by without him living under your roof, that you may soon start to feel a great sense of relief. This is a burden lifted off of your shoulders. No longer do you have to deal with his. mean, cutting remarks or his derogatory ways. Yes, you will need to take care of many details yourself, but you can always get help too with those details.

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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 08:52 AM
  #244
Wow is right starling. Youíve been through a lot and a huge change has happened quickly!
It would be nice if you had time to sit with this for a while, but I guess you have a lot to do and with little help.
You do have help though, I know it often feels like itís the parents responsibility to be the rock for the child(ren), and in many ways itís true, but through my own experience I found that I not only could but should allow myself to ďleanĒ on my children sometimes. It was good for them to be helpful, I found they had much to offer during the difficult time spanning the divorce, and long after.
I grew up thinking that a father is a rock, impervious, invincible and i emulated that in my own fatherhood, and I never realized what I was missing until I showed my children that I can be weak and unsure, and that I could use their help at times.
I hope you and your children will support each other and that they will be a wonderful resource of hope and love for the tough times that lie ahead.
Hugs to you starling!
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 09:25 AM
  #245
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Wow is right starling. Youíve been through a lot and a huge change has happened quickly!
It would be nice if you had time to sit with this for a while, but I guess you have a lot to do and with little help.
You do have help though, I know it often feels like itís the parents responsibility to be the rock for the child(ren), and in many ways itís true, but through my own experience I found that I not only could but should allow myself to ďleanĒ on my children sometimes. It was good for them to be helpful, I found they had much to offer during the difficult time spanning the divorce, and long after.
I grew up thinking that a father is a rock, impervious, invincible and i emulated that in my own fatherhood, and I never realized what I was missing until I showed my children that I can be weak and unsure, and that I could use their help at times.
I hope you and your children will support each other and that they will be a wonderful resource of hope and love for the tough times that lie ahead.
Hugs to you starling!
Hugs, thank you. My kids are getting together tomorrow, spending some special time together. My daughter and I cried together all last night. It going to be a hard day today. Luckily she already has a counseling appt today. Iím supposed to go to work and daughter asked me to stay home. I feel like I have to go in a bit today because deadlines, but maybe I can get all of tomorrow off if I tell the manager what happened.

I walk around the house this morning crying looking at things.

Itís going to take all I have to fight off guilt and fear. Or maybe I just have to sit through those and process them. Itís crazy..he rejects me so often, but I feel pain that I rejected him. That I abandoned him even though I tried, and he completely left the area. I think he just wants the comfort of his brother and a place to land, and I guess he knows he canít make it on his own right now, and he couldnít stand being here in the meantime when he knows I want a divorce, but I also think he did this to say let them do it without me, see when they need my help and Iím not there. Maybe thatís not part of it, who knows.

I just want to keep qualifying that I wanted to stay together, but couldnít because I would be enabling his treating me terribly. I confronted him about things that he didnít want me to. I said it seems he doesnít love me by how he acts and heíd say I have no idea how he feels because he loves me so much.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 09:55 AM
  #246
If he loves you or not, his behaviour is undesirable and unreasonable, judging from what you have shared with us here. The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isnít love. Desire, need, lust, fear, many feelings wear the cloak of love to hide their true nature.
Love is never weaponized. That is usually the work of insecurity.
I hope it helps that the members here agree that your recent actions are warranted, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable and valid.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 10:33 AM
  #247
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Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isnít love.
This. Times 1 million.

Hug your kids everyday. Get hugs everyday. Crying is normal. It's OK to feel what you feel. It's also ok to call on that inner strength that has been focused on keeping other people secure and focus it on yourself. It's OK to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel secure, happy and loved in action, not just words.

Deep breaths. Remember that things will settle down eventually. Try something new everyday.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 11:14 AM
  #248
Why are YOU somehow the guilty one? Because you set a firm boundary? This is HIS burden, not yours. Same as the dysfunctional ways your father chose to act out.

Something to think about.
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Question Jun 30, 2022 at 11:37 AM
  #249
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Originally Posted by Starlingflock View Post
He was supposed to do his addiction intake today, but instead heís decided to leave the state. Moving in with his bro and wiping his hands clean of this.
I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 11:46 AM
  #250
Guilt is a tricky thing, reasoning does not always dispel it. Time helps, adjusting to a new way of living/thinking takes time.
Love, support, affirmation, all those good things help to rewrite the negative narratives in our heads
The worst thing is to feel guilty about feeling guilty 😅
Itís just another emotion to work through.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 11:56 AM
  #251
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I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
Not sure if you are suggesting she must unconditionally accept abuse ?
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 12:02 PM
  #252
I think you just discredited your own voice unawareBS..
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 01:34 PM
  #253
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I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
Where is this coming from? Sheís been abused. Are you suggesting she endure the abuse even more? Heís left and they are now divorcing.

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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 03:24 PM
  #254
Starlingflock you deserve to be in a abuse-free relationship
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 04:06 PM
  #255
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I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
i havent read the whole thread, but from what others have said, this sounds a bit like your saying abuse is acceptable?

abuse is never acceptable i think
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 04:22 PM
  #256
Saying "i love you" doesnt mean anything unless he matches his actions to his words
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 04:56 PM
  #257
He will not pay back that $1000 he took from the reserve line. He will not send you money every month. How could he? He doesn't have a job. He has no income. He never will have a job or an income. He can't get along with people well enough to hold a job . . . . . not until he finds a place of employment where everyone there will constantly kiss his behind. You know him a lot better than I do. If I'm wrong, please correct me.

He's never going to pay child support towards the upkeep of his daughter. Even if he had some income, he's not going to let your daughter's needs take precedence over what he needs for his marijuana expenditure. (That, BTW, is what's called lack of character.) Of course, I may be proven completely wrong.

Right now he's dreaming about getting half the equity in that house and in that 401K. He knows that won't be for a while. He will need money sooner than that. If there are any marital assets, or lines of credit, he can tap into, that's what he'll do.

He may even ask you for a loan. He'll say he needs the money to enable him to pursue a great job opportunity. He'll tell you how, once he gets that position, he'll be sending you monthly checks. I'm not saying this will all be a lie. He'll come up with some fantasy that he may actually believe. He'll ask you to "invest" in this great opportunity.

You might want to see if you can halt any of those automatic debits that come out for his stuff. Or . . . . see if you can transfer the money in that account over to an account that you totally control. You'ld be smart to see an attorney about putting up a financial firewall between his economic activity and yours. I think lawyers like to publish something in a paper about you not being responsible for his debts.

Also, don't go talking about your domestic problems at work. That could make your employer lose confidence in your reliability.

Your husban is going to try to rob you and your daughter of as much as he can. (It's that character thing I was telling you about. His is "bad.") Does your son have a job? If so, your husband will be hitting him up for money too. You might find it cheaper to just let hubby move back in and keep the marriage going.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 05:14 PM
  #258
Start Googling: "Divorce Asset Protection" Here's a start -

How to Protect Assets in a Divorce | Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC.
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 05:25 PM
  #259
Heís not going to send you money. Heís not giving you money now. Why would he send any?
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Default Jul 01, 2022 at 12:23 AM
  #260
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Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
If he loves you or not, his behaviour is undesirable and unreasonable, judging from what you have shared with us here. The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isnít love. Desire, need, lust, fear, many feelings wear the cloak of love to hide their true nature.
Love is never weaponized. That is usually the work of insecurity.
I hope it helps that the members here agree that your recent actions are warranted, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable and valid.
True true. Itís been so out of whack.
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