Stuck

His current job only lasted a week. That was a few weeks ago or so when it ended.
He is a good guy towards some people.
His behavior towards me is bad.

I have been soft and loving and easy on him. I’m still easy on him. I wouldn’t say I’m loving anymore, but certainly supportive and patient and kind. I can’t support some choices he makes though. I have been willing again and again to be loving and helpful. But how to keep being that way when it’s not working out?

What I need is to be listened to and cared about. To have freedom to meet my goals. What I need from him is healthy behavior towards me and our kids. And if he can’t behave then he needs to do something about it.

He was not invested in therapy with me. It was a very stressful experience. He was not capable of talking about things that were happening (the many negative interactions). He was willing to lie to the counselor expecting me not to call him out. He was frustrated there was no intimacy. He said he could not put energy into us because he needs to work on himself. He loves weed in a very deep way. I’d like to leave him to his mistress Mary Jane knowing he’ll be happy ever after in the haze, surrounded by whatever he wants to look at and enjoy. I irritate him but weed makes him happy. But it turns into me giving him a hard time. My feelings of rejection and loneliness are nothing compared to the void he fills with his distractions and attempts for fame. I try to be a partner with him, and he tries to make sure I know he’s the boss.

I’ve asked him for all the things I need but he won’t give them to me.

He sometimes behaves like a good guy with others because he is well aware of society’s norms of behavior and acting like a jerk won’t get him any browny points and he’ll be kicked to the curb or worse. At home though there are no consequences so he acts like he wants to. Sometimes people put up with abuse because they were convinced by others or they themselves came to that conclusion that he doesn’t know better because he is sick. But then you see how he is with others and miraculously he does know better.

So, what happens each time he gets fired? Do you then have to support the both of you and the entire household? Does all the financial responsibility fall on your shoulders? If so, that is not OK. Totally unacceptable.

He knows what he is doing when he treats you poorly. He can be good to other people because he knows how to shut it off so that he can still look good and get by in the world.

He used to enjoy camaraderie. But now he says he has become more and more intolerant of others.

Yes I support us.
He really can’t shut it off when he is annoyed, triggered. He likes some people, or I guess he needs/wants their support so is friendly with them. It could be more of a take thing.
He moved a lot as a kid so I think that played into it.

What you are describing is that you are in a relationship with a person who will never validate you. Like your father?

You will not be happy if all you do is sacrifice yourself for the happiness of others who take out their frustrations on you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover Take one step at a time.... your next step after taking a deep breath is consult an attorney. The step after that is talk to a financial planner. I never promised to endure abuse.

I always think it would be good to get Johnny Cochran and his team, you should look in to that outrage. All kidding aside, yes it is probaby true for many marital contracts that you did not agree to abuse so don't forget. I hope you are ok.

He was supposed to do his addiction intake today, but instead he’s decided to leave the state. Moving in with his bro and wiping his hands clean of this.

At least that will give you a break from having him at home and having his behavior to put up with. Enjoy the break . . . for however long it lasts.

His brother will soon tire of having him there. He'll be back. No brother or friend is going to give him as good a deal as he's been getting from you.

It's not wrong for you to see your husband's humanity and feel compassion for him. It may be that the way he is happens to be all he is capable of being.

So he gets "triggered" by anything he perceives as a threat, and "he lashes out whenever" he doesn't "feel safe." That brings us right to the core of what he believes. He believes he should never be made to feel unsafe. This is an unsafe world, and we all have to deal with feeling unsafe. (He makes you feel unsafe.) No one on this planet gets to feel snug and safe all the time. We try to create an illusion of that for children because they're children. Even they get tragically disabused of that illusion, as we know all too well. Your husband wants to live perpetually as a child. The "weed" cloaks him in a fuzzy blanket. He won't give that up. No one should be allowed to unsettle him. He won't "play that game." He'll run from any scenario where anyone disturbs his tranquility. The rest of us have to cope with friction at work and with all the challenges that come with meeting responsibilities. But not him. He must be assured of being "safe" at all times. He has decided he is entitled to that. After all, he had an insecure childhood. He got cheated. So, now, Starling, it's your job, to award reparations to him for what he feels he got cheated out of. Actually, he didn't think that up all on his own. You've fostered that thinking, by taking on the role of infantilizing him.

He'll be back.

You've had an eventful few days. I hope you are taking gentle care of yourself.

It may seem daunting, and if you haven't yet, a consultation with an attorney is a must at this point. If he left your marital home today, it's the first day of legal separation depending on where you live. Had he left for treatment, its different. You need specific advice for your state and what you should, shouldn't, can and can't do.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Keep your focus on your future and your children's futures when your emotions get intense and overwhelming. All the best to you.

Let him go, but make sure he cannot get to the equity of your home leaving you with nothing. You need to get legal advice ASAP.

Can’t sleep. Keep looking at the doorway. Today was intense, I feel tingley.
I have so many emotions.
I restated that i want a divorce because he called me gross again.
He said it was silly that him calling me gross should equal wanting a divorce.
He said “just go through with it then!”
He said he’ll be back to collect more things at some point.
Said he’ll send me money each month.
Said sell the house take half the 401k
Said he borrowed 1000 from the reserve line and he’ll pay it back. Told me to take his name off the bank account.
He’s going 20 hrs car drive.
Left his debit card and house key
Said he has a new phone number, I made him write it down.
Told daughter he’ll see her online when she asked him how’d they’d have visits if he’s so far away. I called him cold as ice.

WOW - so instead of facing his addiction and instead of getting actual treatment for it, he runs away from the responsibility of it all.

Do you see this? He cannot own up to his problems, nor get help for himself.

He has saved you from a whole lot more grief. Look at this as your ticket to freedom.

I hope he follows through with what he says about sending money each month. Yes, the distance will impact your daughter, but it's best this way. Best that he is no longer living under the same roof, causing damage.

And yes, you will have many different emotions around him leaving. Keep the perspective. He is running away from getting any real help.

Let him vent and leave. He doesn’t want to do rehab. He is making his choice, don’t let him fill you with guilt.

Yes it seems that he didn’t want to go through with addiction inpatient and ran away instead. He told me a few times before that if my problem with him was weed then to just leave him and he doesn’t care. He said he loved me when he left. He pretended to want a nice goodbye but said inflammatory things right before he left so I didn’t engage. Yes it’s good he’s not here to cause more damage, then again he left me to take care of everything myself. Fine. He left for self preservation and probably to outdo me wanting a divorce. I always know if I “do something” he’ll do something three times worse.
He should be sending some money at least because he has things on auto pay from the account. He needs to pay me for them, cancel them, or put in his own new account. Then yeah child support.

I promised my daughter that I will take great care of her and we’ll enjoy our life and have fun and get through this.

There’s such conflicting feelings but I weighed this for months and pleaded with him for months with no change. I faced the truth that the only way he would treat me “well” is if I enabled him. That’s not being treated well then anyway.

I’m a single mom now. Wow.

He’s gone about 9 hrs now. I did tell him at some point don’t do rehab for me because then he’ll be annoyed with me, do it for him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Again guilt.

I’m filled with guilt at moments and other moments I shake it off.

Yes, you're a single mom now without the burden of taking care of yet another child - a man-child, which is what your husband is. He refuses to grow up.

And yes, enabling doesn't change the real problem. It only perpetuates the problem.

Of course he said mean and inflammatory things as he walked out the door. It's his M.O.

You will find that as the hours and go by without him living under your roof, that you may soon start to feel a great sense of relief. This is a burden lifted off of your shoulders. No longer do you have to deal with his. mean, cutting remarks or his derogatory ways. Yes, you will need to take care of many details yourself, but you can always get help too with those details.

Wow is right starling. You’ve been through a lot and a huge change has happened quickly!
It would be nice if you had time to sit with this for a while, but I guess you have a lot to do and with little help.
You do have help though, I know it often feels like it’s the parents responsibility to be the rock for the child(ren), and in many ways it’s true, but through my own experience I found that I not only could but should allow myself to “lean” on my children sometimes. It was good for them to be helpful, I found they had much to offer during the difficult time spanning the divorce, and long after.
I grew up thinking that a father is a rock, impervious, invincible and i emulated that in my own fatherhood, and I never realized what I was missing until I showed my children that I can be weak and unsure, and that I could use their help at times.
I hope you and your children will support each other and that they will be a wonderful resource of hope and love for the tough times that lie ahead.
Hugs to you starling!

Hugs, thank you. My kids are getting together tomorrow, spending some special time together. My daughter and I cried together all last night. It going to be a hard day today. Luckily she already has a counseling appt today. I’m supposed to go to work and daughter asked me to stay home. I feel like I have to go in a bit today because deadlines, but maybe I can get all of tomorrow off if I tell the manager what happened.

I walk around the house this morning crying looking at things.

It’s going to take all I have to fight off guilt and fear. Or maybe I just have to sit through those and process them. It’s crazy..he rejects me so often, but I feel pain that I rejected him. That I abandoned him even though I tried, and he completely left the area. I think he just wants the comfort of his brother and a place to land, and I guess he knows he can’t make it on his own right now, and he couldn’t stand being here in the meantime when he knows I want a divorce, but I also think he did this to say let them do it without me, see when they need my help and I’m not there. Maybe that’s not part of it, who knows.

I just want to keep qualifying that I wanted to stay together, but couldn’t because I would be enabling his treating me terribly. I confronted him about things that he didn’t want me to. I said it seems he doesn’t love me by how he acts and he’d say I have no idea how he feels because he loves me so much.

If he loves you or not, his behaviour is undesirable and unreasonable, judging from what you have shared with us here. The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isn’t love. Desire, need, lust, fear, many feelings wear the cloak of love to hide their true nature.
Love is never weaponized. That is usually the work of insecurity.
I hope it helps that the members here agree that your recent actions are warranted, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable and valid.

This. Times 1 million.

Hug your kids everyday. Get hugs everyday. Crying is normal. It's OK to feel what you feel. It's also ok to call on that inner strength that has been focused on keeping other people secure and focus it on yourself. It's OK to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel secure, happy and loved in action, not just words.

Deep breaths. Remember that things will settle down eventually. Try something new everyday.

Why are YOU somehow the guilty one? Because you set a firm boundary? This is HIS burden, not yours. Same as the dysfunctional ways your father chose to act out.

Something to think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlingflock He was supposed to do his addiction intake today, but instead he’s decided to leave the state. Moving in with his bro and wiping his hands clean of this.

I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X

Guilt is a tricky thing, reasoning does not always dispel it. Time helps, adjusting to a new way of living/thinking takes time.
Love, support, affirmation, all those good things help to rewrite the negative narratives in our heads
The worst thing is to feel guilty about feeling guilty 😅
It’s just another emotion to work through.