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  #251  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 11:56 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post


I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
Not sure if you are suggesting she must unconditionally accept abuse ?
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Starlingflock

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  #252  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 12:02 PM
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ReptileInYourHead ReptileInYourHead is offline
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I think you just discredited your own voice unawareBS..
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  #253  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 01:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post


I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
Where is this coming from? She’s been abused. Are you suggesting she endure the abuse even more? He’s left and they are now divorcing.
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  #254  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 03:24 PM
Anonymous32448
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Starlingflock you deserve to be in a abuse-free relationship
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  #255  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 04:06 PM
Anonymous32448
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post


I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
i havent read the whole thread, but from what others have said, this sounds a bit like your saying abuse is acceptable?

abuse is never acceptable i think
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Have Hope, Starlingflock
  #256  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 04:22 PM
Anonymous32448
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Saying "i love you" doesnt mean anything unless he matches his actions to his words
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Have Hope, Starlingflock
  #257  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 04:56 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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He will not pay back that $1000 he took from the reserve line. He will not send you money every month. How could he? He doesn't have a job. He has no income. He never will have a job or an income. He can't get along with people well enough to hold a job . . . . . not until he finds a place of employment where everyone there will constantly kiss his behind. You know him a lot better than I do. If I'm wrong, please correct me.

He's never going to pay child support towards the upkeep of his daughter. Even if he had some income, he's not going to let your daughter's needs take precedence over what he needs for his marijuana expenditure. (That, BTW, is what's called lack of character.) Of course, I may be proven completely wrong.

Right now he's dreaming about getting half the equity in that house and in that 401K. He knows that won't be for a while. He will need money sooner than that. If there are any marital assets, or lines of credit, he can tap into, that's what he'll do.

He may even ask you for a loan. He'll say he needs the money to enable him to pursue a great job opportunity. He'll tell you how, once he gets that position, he'll be sending you monthly checks. I'm not saying this will all be a lie. He'll come up with some fantasy that he may actually believe. He'll ask you to "invest" in this great opportunity.

You might want to see if you can halt any of those automatic debits that come out for his stuff. Or . . . . see if you can transfer the money in that account over to an account that you totally control. You'ld be smart to see an attorney about putting up a financial firewall between his economic activity and yours. I think lawyers like to publish something in a paper about you not being responsible for his debts.

Also, don't go talking about your domestic problems at work. That could make your employer lose confidence in your reliability.

Your husban is going to try to rob you and your daughter of as much as he can. (It's that character thing I was telling you about. His is "bad.") Does your son have a job? If so, your husband will be hitting him up for money too. You might find it cheaper to just let hubby move back in and keep the marriage going.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything.
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  #258  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 05:14 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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Start Googling: "Divorce Asset Protection" Here's a start -

How to Protect Assets in a Divorce | Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC.
  #259  
Old Jun 30, 2022, 05:25 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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He’s not going to send you money. He’s not giving you money now. Why would he send any?
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Rose76, Starlingflock
  #260  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 12:23 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
If he loves you or not, his behaviour is undesirable and unreasonable, judging from what you have shared with us here. The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isn’t love. Desire, need, lust, fear, many feelings wear the cloak of love to hide their true nature.
Love is never weaponized. That is usually the work of insecurity.
I hope it helps that the members here agree that your recent actions are warranted, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable and valid.
True true. It’s been so out of whack.
  #261  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 12:26 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
This. Times 1 million.

Hug your kids everyday. Get hugs everyday. Crying is normal. It's OK to feel what you feel. It's also ok to call on that inner strength that has been focused on keeping other people secure and focus it on yourself. It's OK to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel secure, happy and loved in action, not just words.

Deep breaths. Remember that things will settle down eventually. Try something new everyday.
Secure happy and loved in action. ❤️
  #262  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 12:35 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Why are YOU somehow the guilty one? Because you set a firm boundary? This is HIS burden, not yours. Same as the dysfunctional ways your father chose to act out.

Something to think about.
him running from me states away I guess made me feel like I’d been so mean
  #263  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 12:42 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post


I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X
I can’t accept unconditionally. I have a child to take care of and his behavior was taking a big toll on her mental health. His behavior was taking a big toll on my security and sanity too.
  #264  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 12:58 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
Guilt is a tricky thing, reasoning does not always dispel it. Time helps, adjusting to a new way of living/thinking takes time.
Love, support, affirmation, all those good things help to rewrite the negative narratives in our heads
The worst thing is to feel guilty about feeling guilty 😅
It’s just another emotion to work through.
Hah yes I’m just going with my feelings, letting them dissipate, knowing they’ll swell again.
  #265  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 01:06 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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I doubt he’ll send money too. He says he has a few jobs lined up, I asked what, he said just whatever. I don’t think he’ll help me do anything.
  #266  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 04:20 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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You can file for child support even before divorcing if he moved away. If he gets any kind of job, his wages could be garnished. I doubt he’ll get a job though.

I think it’s time to have a consultation with a lawyer
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Starlingflock
  #267  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 05:48 AM
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Yes, I would look into the legalities of him providing child support and I would consult with an attorney ASAP. Don't wait on this. He is obligated to pay child support, and legally.
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  #268  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 08:53 AM
Anonymous32448
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I hope you can get him to pay child support without a fight, my own dad I know for a fact would not pay child support without Mum having to fight him for every penny.

He shouldnt of continued to father kids if he cannot afford to help pay for them. In my opinion. (edit: this is about my own father, the shouldnt of continued to father kids thing, he's fathered 4 kids that we know about and likely other kids that we dont know about, he thinks women are there just to make kids with and we're no good for anything else)

Last edited by Anonymous32448; Jul 01, 2022 at 09:59 AM.
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  #269  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 09:51 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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I’m feeling better today. Had a good nights sleep so that helps. Im relieved that I will have more funds now (since he won’t be spending money from the account) to give my child and myself the things and experiences we deserve. I have control to implement a budget. I’m looking forward to getting my life in order.
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Anonymous32448, Have Hope, Open Eyes, RollercoasterLover
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Have Hope, RollercoasterLover, Rose76
  #270  
Old Jul 01, 2022, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Starlingflock View Post
I’m feeling better today. Had a good nights sleep so that helps. Im relieved that I will have more funds now (since he won’t be spending money from the account) to give my child and myself the things and experiences we deserve. I have control to implement a budget. I’m looking forward to getting my life in order.
Yay i'm glad your feeling better after a good sleep

I'm also glad he won't be spending money thats yours
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Starlingflock
  #271  
Old Jul 02, 2022, 11:50 AM
Starlingflock Starlingflock is offline
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I made the right decision telling him I want to divorce. it was the only way to improve daily life for myself and child. I am feeling relaxed at the moment, which I haven’t felt in a very long time. My home is feeling very calm (besides having a puppy). I’m looking around at the mess and disorder, but there’s no energy in those objects anymore, they’re inert and I’ll box them up.

I’m not keeping “his side” of the room. Or his set ups. Maybe that’s not right? But he left he said he’s moved away permanently.

I have sadness about him. His beautiful eyes and smile. Our embraces, our laughs. The thousands of times we walked side by side being a couple. The intimate moments we shared.
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  #272  
Old Jul 02, 2022, 12:00 PM
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It’s only natural to feel sadness. However, you’re focused on positives from the past and are nostalgic. Again, only natural. But don’t forget to remember all the mean, cutting insults and hurt he caused you. Don’t forget all the incidents and bad things that led up to this divorce. You are free of all of that crap. Relish in that and try to focus less on nostalgia. It was an illusion. Not reality.
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Starlingflock
  #273  
Old Jul 02, 2022, 12:22 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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It’s very sad. It would be weird if it wasn’t sad. It’s ok to remember good times fondly.

You could clean and declutter the house, pick his stuff up, box it but don’t get rid of it. Talk to him about what he wants to do with it. Give him time frame. If it’s not removed by then, it could be pitched.

Contact legal aid. Or a lawyer. Document the day he said he is moving permanently. Make it official that he left. It could start separation period. Keep everything in writing. Texts and emails. Save it for documentation purposes in case he later says he just went on vacation or something
Thanks for this!
Starlingflock
  #274  
Old Jul 02, 2022, 03:22 PM
Anonymous32448
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starlingflock you deserve better than him
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Starlingflock
  #275  
Old Jul 03, 2022, 09:44 AM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlingflock View Post
him running from me states away I guess made me feel like I’d been so mean
Is it really mean to finally speak up and have boundaries? Your husband is expecting his entire family to adjust to HIS needs which includes getting high which is the same as drinking alcohol tbh.

This is not new to you because that is what you grew up with where you were expected to live around your fathers alcoholism. Is that what you want your children to also do? This waiting and hoping for a calm to come has been a constant with you, can you see that?

You have been trained to live your life around a person with addiction disease and this IS their life drunk or sober it’s always about the disease. And FYI he is not really running from you. So don’t convince yourself to carry that kind of negative baggage.

It’s ok to say no, to say stop the bus and let me off.
Thanks for this!
Starlingflock
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